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Dec. 7th, 2024 07:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conulyDear Care and Feeding,
My mom has recently moved in with me and my partner because my dad, who has severe Alzheimer’s, is able to get better care where we live. Although my mom can be difficult (i.e., stubborn), we thought this would be the best option for my mom and my dad, as they had retired to a more isolated area where my mom’s options for socializing outside of being a caregiver were limited. It’s been a mostly OK transition. We rent an apartment in a great, walkable neighborhood and it takes under five minutes to get to my dad’s memory care facility, the hospital, the pharmacy, and the community center where my mom now plays pickleball. I have decided to pick and choose my battles with my mom.
Until Thanksgiving. My sister, who lives very far away and throughout my dad’s declining health has visited maybe three times a year, made a surprise visit to our area. My sister and I aren’t close, but I know that my dad seeing his grandkids and his other daughter is hugely important (due to a cancer diagnosis young, I don’t have any kids; my husband and I are in the middle of a very long surrogacy process, so my sister’s kids are my parent’s only grandkids). While I enjoy seeing my niece and nephew, my sister and her husband have taken a very hands-off approach to raising them and they rarely listen to any adult, so I can only take them in small doses. My mom knows this. And my sister and her family were getting an Airbnb nearby, so I didn’t think it would be an issue for this visit.
Cut to Thanksgiving: My husband and I are heading to his family’s celebration. My mom, her sister (who lives about two hours away), and my sister were supposed to be spending the day eating Chipotle and watching Hallmark movies at our apartment. My husband and I were fine with this and even encouraged my aunt to come over to keep my mom company, since she didn’t want to join us at my husband’s family’s celebration. As we are walking out the door, my mom says that my sister’s entire family is coming over, not just my sister.
I tell my mom that we didn’t agree to this, and could she just make sure the kids are contained. We’ve done holidays with the kids at many different houses and they tend to spread out and break things, with my sister and her husband being exasperated and not managing it. My mom rolls her eyes and responds “yes, ma’am.” I pull her aside and say that the sarcasm isn’t warranted, and that this is something I’d appreciate. She responds with “I’m sorry that I have to ask your permission for my daughter and grandkids to come over.”
Since then, I have tried to explain how disrespected I feel that a boundary I have was willfully ignored. My mother continues to state that she is displaced, that she felt like a child, and that I need to understand that. Given that my husband and I (1) have rented a bigger apartment so she can have a separate bathroom, bedroom, and area to watch TV, (2) frequently make meals for her, (3) include her in as much as she wants to join, and (4) are co-caregivers for my dad in this situation, I don’t know what more I can reasonably do to show that I understand how she feels. I just don’t feel like she is ever going to respect me and my boundaries. Any insights would be helpful.
—Disrespected
( Read more... )
My mom has recently moved in with me and my partner because my dad, who has severe Alzheimer’s, is able to get better care where we live. Although my mom can be difficult (i.e., stubborn), we thought this would be the best option for my mom and my dad, as they had retired to a more isolated area where my mom’s options for socializing outside of being a caregiver were limited. It’s been a mostly OK transition. We rent an apartment in a great, walkable neighborhood and it takes under five minutes to get to my dad’s memory care facility, the hospital, the pharmacy, and the community center where my mom now plays pickleball. I have decided to pick and choose my battles with my mom.
Until Thanksgiving. My sister, who lives very far away and throughout my dad’s declining health has visited maybe three times a year, made a surprise visit to our area. My sister and I aren’t close, but I know that my dad seeing his grandkids and his other daughter is hugely important (due to a cancer diagnosis young, I don’t have any kids; my husband and I are in the middle of a very long surrogacy process, so my sister’s kids are my parent’s only grandkids). While I enjoy seeing my niece and nephew, my sister and her husband have taken a very hands-off approach to raising them and they rarely listen to any adult, so I can only take them in small doses. My mom knows this. And my sister and her family were getting an Airbnb nearby, so I didn’t think it would be an issue for this visit.
Cut to Thanksgiving: My husband and I are heading to his family’s celebration. My mom, her sister (who lives about two hours away), and my sister were supposed to be spending the day eating Chipotle and watching Hallmark movies at our apartment. My husband and I were fine with this and even encouraged my aunt to come over to keep my mom company, since she didn’t want to join us at my husband’s family’s celebration. As we are walking out the door, my mom says that my sister’s entire family is coming over, not just my sister.
I tell my mom that we didn’t agree to this, and could she just make sure the kids are contained. We’ve done holidays with the kids at many different houses and they tend to spread out and break things, with my sister and her husband being exasperated and not managing it. My mom rolls her eyes and responds “yes, ma’am.” I pull her aside and say that the sarcasm isn’t warranted, and that this is something I’d appreciate. She responds with “I’m sorry that I have to ask your permission for my daughter and grandkids to come over.”
Since then, I have tried to explain how disrespected I feel that a boundary I have was willfully ignored. My mother continues to state that she is displaced, that she felt like a child, and that I need to understand that. Given that my husband and I (1) have rented a bigger apartment so she can have a separate bathroom, bedroom, and area to watch TV, (2) frequently make meals for her, (3) include her in as much as she wants to join, and (4) are co-caregivers for my dad in this situation, I don’t know what more I can reasonably do to show that I understand how she feels. I just don’t feel like she is ever going to respect me and my boundaries. Any insights would be helpful.
—Disrespected
( Read more... )