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Dear Care and Feeding,
My mom has recently moved in with me and my partner because my dad, who has severe Alzheimer’s, is able to get better care where we live. Although my mom can be difficult (i.e., stubborn), we thought this would be the best option for my mom and my dad, as they had retired to a more isolated area where my mom’s options for socializing outside of being a caregiver were limited. It’s been a mostly OK transition. We rent an apartment in a great, walkable neighborhood and it takes under five minutes to get to my dad’s memory care facility, the hospital, the pharmacy, and the community center where my mom now plays pickleball. I have decided to pick and choose my battles with my mom.
Until Thanksgiving. My sister, who lives very far away and throughout my dad’s declining health has visited maybe three times a year, made a surprise visit to our area. My sister and I aren’t close, but I know that my dad seeing his grandkids and his other daughter is hugely important (due to a cancer diagnosis young, I don’t have any kids; my husband and I are in the middle of a very long surrogacy process, so my sister’s kids are my parent’s only grandkids). While I enjoy seeing my niece and nephew, my sister and her husband have taken a very hands-off approach to raising them and they rarely listen to any adult, so I can only take them in small doses. My mom knows this. And my sister and her family were getting an Airbnb nearby, so I didn’t think it would be an issue for this visit.
Cut to Thanksgiving: My husband and I are heading to his family’s celebration. My mom, her sister (who lives about two hours away), and my sister were supposed to be spending the day eating Chipotle and watching Hallmark movies at our apartment. My husband and I were fine with this and even encouraged my aunt to come over to keep my mom company, since she didn’t want to join us at my husband’s family’s celebration. As we are walking out the door, my mom says that my sister’s entire family is coming over, not just my sister.
I tell my mom that we didn’t agree to this, and could she just make sure the kids are contained. We’ve done holidays with the kids at many different houses and they tend to spread out and break things, with my sister and her husband being exasperated and not managing it. My mom rolls her eyes and responds “yes, ma’am.” I pull her aside and say that the sarcasm isn’t warranted, and that this is something I’d appreciate. She responds with “I’m sorry that I have to ask your permission for my daughter and grandkids to come over.”
Since then, I have tried to explain how disrespected I feel that a boundary I have was willfully ignored. My mother continues to state that she is displaced, that she felt like a child, and that I need to understand that. Given that my husband and I (1) have rented a bigger apartment so she can have a separate bathroom, bedroom, and area to watch TV, (2) frequently make meals for her, (3) include her in as much as she wants to join, and (4) are co-caregivers for my dad in this situation, I don’t know what more I can reasonably do to show that I understand how she feels. I just don’t feel like she is ever going to respect me and my boundaries. Any insights would be helpful.
—Disrespected
Dear Disrespected,
There’s no doubt that you and your husband are doing a lot of important things for both your parents right now. You’re doing more than your sister, who lives some distance away with her family (although being far away can be a different kind of hardship when one’s parent(s) are ill). I understand why you’d want your mother to see and appreciate all you’ve already taken on. But the two of you are talking about separate things: You are focused on all the things you’re doing for her—making space for her in your home; preparing meals; helping her take care of your dad—and she’s talking about how you made her feel.
To be clear, I am not saying that you don’t empathize with your mother. What she’s telling you, however, is that she doesn’t feel you always do. She says that you made her feel like a child on Thanksgiving. And from your letter, I’m not sure you’re really hearing that part. In your mind, when you made it clear that your sister’s kids weren’t welcome at your house, you were simply asserting your authority in your own home. (For now, I’ll skip over the question of whether or not that rule is entirely reasonable—but I will say that unless the kids are actually a danger to themselves or others, it’s hard for me to see how you could expect to bar them from your home without some hard feelings on someone’s part.)
If it were just you and your husband living there, you’d be totally justified in consulting only yourself and your husband on the subject of who can come over. But you’ve chosen to make your home your mother’s, too. A person will naturally expect to be able to invite family members and friends over to their home to visit if they want to. If they aren’t free to do such a basic thing, then the place they’re living probably won’t feel like home to them—it’ll just be a place they are staying; maybe a place where their presence is tolerated.
I’ve been in a caregiving role as a daughter, and despite my best efforts, I know that my mother sometimes felt like I was treating her like a child. I never thought that was fair, but I also understood how overwhelmed and often powerless she felt in her situation. You and your parents are all going through a lot right now; it’s understandable that there would be some emotion and friction during a time of relative upheaval. Remember that while your dad has lost his ability to live independently and make decisions for himself, your mom hasn’t. She lives with you, but she’s still a competent adult in her own right. If you really feel it’s necessary to exercise authority over who she can invite to the apartment, I suppose she can’t stop you—but then I think you need to accept that doing such a thing will make her feel disrespected, infantilized, and possibly unwelcome.
If at all possible, you and your mother should try to respect each other’s wishes and needs as long as you share a home. If you genuinely want your home to be hers as well, then it shouldn’t be her lot merely to listen and obey—she should have some say, too. On Thanksgiving, it sounds like you were forced into a compromise of sorts, when you let your sister’s kids come over against your wishes and asked your mom to try to keep things under control. Leaving aside whatever tone you may have used and her “yes ma’am” response, consider that if that worked out ok on Thanksgiving, maybe it can work again the next time. If you’re in disagreement about something your mother wants to do, or someone she wants to see, ideally that will be a discussion, not a fight or an assertion of your “authority.” Your boundaries and needs are important, but so are hers.
— Nicole
Link
My mom has recently moved in with me and my partner because my dad, who has severe Alzheimer’s, is able to get better care where we live. Although my mom can be difficult (i.e., stubborn), we thought this would be the best option for my mom and my dad, as they had retired to a more isolated area where my mom’s options for socializing outside of being a caregiver were limited. It’s been a mostly OK transition. We rent an apartment in a great, walkable neighborhood and it takes under five minutes to get to my dad’s memory care facility, the hospital, the pharmacy, and the community center where my mom now plays pickleball. I have decided to pick and choose my battles with my mom.
Until Thanksgiving. My sister, who lives very far away and throughout my dad’s declining health has visited maybe three times a year, made a surprise visit to our area. My sister and I aren’t close, but I know that my dad seeing his grandkids and his other daughter is hugely important (due to a cancer diagnosis young, I don’t have any kids; my husband and I are in the middle of a very long surrogacy process, so my sister’s kids are my parent’s only grandkids). While I enjoy seeing my niece and nephew, my sister and her husband have taken a very hands-off approach to raising them and they rarely listen to any adult, so I can only take them in small doses. My mom knows this. And my sister and her family were getting an Airbnb nearby, so I didn’t think it would be an issue for this visit.
Cut to Thanksgiving: My husband and I are heading to his family’s celebration. My mom, her sister (who lives about two hours away), and my sister were supposed to be spending the day eating Chipotle and watching Hallmark movies at our apartment. My husband and I were fine with this and even encouraged my aunt to come over to keep my mom company, since she didn’t want to join us at my husband’s family’s celebration. As we are walking out the door, my mom says that my sister’s entire family is coming over, not just my sister.
I tell my mom that we didn’t agree to this, and could she just make sure the kids are contained. We’ve done holidays with the kids at many different houses and they tend to spread out and break things, with my sister and her husband being exasperated and not managing it. My mom rolls her eyes and responds “yes, ma’am.” I pull her aside and say that the sarcasm isn’t warranted, and that this is something I’d appreciate. She responds with “I’m sorry that I have to ask your permission for my daughter and grandkids to come over.”
Since then, I have tried to explain how disrespected I feel that a boundary I have was willfully ignored. My mother continues to state that she is displaced, that she felt like a child, and that I need to understand that. Given that my husband and I (1) have rented a bigger apartment so she can have a separate bathroom, bedroom, and area to watch TV, (2) frequently make meals for her, (3) include her in as much as she wants to join, and (4) are co-caregivers for my dad in this situation, I don’t know what more I can reasonably do to show that I understand how she feels. I just don’t feel like she is ever going to respect me and my boundaries. Any insights would be helpful.
—Disrespected
Dear Disrespected,
There’s no doubt that you and your husband are doing a lot of important things for both your parents right now. You’re doing more than your sister, who lives some distance away with her family (although being far away can be a different kind of hardship when one’s parent(s) are ill). I understand why you’d want your mother to see and appreciate all you’ve already taken on. But the two of you are talking about separate things: You are focused on all the things you’re doing for her—making space for her in your home; preparing meals; helping her take care of your dad—and she’s talking about how you made her feel.
To be clear, I am not saying that you don’t empathize with your mother. What she’s telling you, however, is that she doesn’t feel you always do. She says that you made her feel like a child on Thanksgiving. And from your letter, I’m not sure you’re really hearing that part. In your mind, when you made it clear that your sister’s kids weren’t welcome at your house, you were simply asserting your authority in your own home. (For now, I’ll skip over the question of whether or not that rule is entirely reasonable—but I will say that unless the kids are actually a danger to themselves or others, it’s hard for me to see how you could expect to bar them from your home without some hard feelings on someone’s part.)
If it were just you and your husband living there, you’d be totally justified in consulting only yourself and your husband on the subject of who can come over. But you’ve chosen to make your home your mother’s, too. A person will naturally expect to be able to invite family members and friends over to their home to visit if they want to. If they aren’t free to do such a basic thing, then the place they’re living probably won’t feel like home to them—it’ll just be a place they are staying; maybe a place where their presence is tolerated.
I’ve been in a caregiving role as a daughter, and despite my best efforts, I know that my mother sometimes felt like I was treating her like a child. I never thought that was fair, but I also understood how overwhelmed and often powerless she felt in her situation. You and your parents are all going through a lot right now; it’s understandable that there would be some emotion and friction during a time of relative upheaval. Remember that while your dad has lost his ability to live independently and make decisions for himself, your mom hasn’t. She lives with you, but she’s still a competent adult in her own right. If you really feel it’s necessary to exercise authority over who she can invite to the apartment, I suppose she can’t stop you—but then I think you need to accept that doing such a thing will make her feel disrespected, infantilized, and possibly unwelcome.
If at all possible, you and your mother should try to respect each other’s wishes and needs as long as you share a home. If you genuinely want your home to be hers as well, then it shouldn’t be her lot merely to listen and obey—she should have some say, too. On Thanksgiving, it sounds like you were forced into a compromise of sorts, when you let your sister’s kids come over against your wishes and asked your mom to try to keep things under control. Leaving aside whatever tone you may have used and her “yes ma’am” response, consider that if that worked out ok on Thanksgiving, maybe it can work again the next time. If you’re in disagreement about something your mother wants to do, or someone she wants to see, ideally that will be a discussion, not a fight or an assertion of your “authority.” Your boundaries and needs are important, but so are hers.
— Nicole
Link
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On the other hand, oh my god does she sound obnoxious. Is that just me? Maybe I'm being too judgmental here?
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I think I’m just glad I’m not related to any of these people
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Mom thinks respect is a one-way street and she needs to figure that out fast. LW and her husband certainly have other choices they could be making with their lives now.
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The mother clinging to parental authority and precedence is disrespectful of the LW's home and preferences, which LW gets to absolutely set.
Once you invite your mother to live with you full-time, it's no longer just your home. It's your shared home, which is also your mother's home.
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Consider:
* child gates, if practical, to keep them out of areas where they would need direct supervision
* knob locks for all sensitive doors (and appropriate keys for all adults of the household, in case someone locks themselves in
* securing all breakables: this could mean away entirely for the duration of the rambunctious era, or on unreachably high shelves with nothing to climb to get up there, locked in shatterproof display cabinets which are secured to the walls
* marking and locking all household poisons
... and so much more; some parenting forums and advice websites should have a more comprehensive list.
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Why should they have to childproof their home for their sister's kids' unexpected visit, when she lives far away and she and her children wouldn't normally be around?
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My solution here is that Mom goes to live with Sister and the grandkids.
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Yes, the columnist is giving advice to the person who wrote in, not to her mother, sister, or anyone else involved in this. But it seems like she's focused on LW's mother's feelings, at the expense of LW's. So, yes, LW's mother should be able to invite people to visit, but it feels like she's not entirely treating LW as an adult whose home it (also) is. The last-minute announcement didn't even give LW and her husband time to put particularly breakable or valuable things safely out of the way.
The columnist's "compromise of sorts" is that LW's mother (and sister?) got what she wanted, and the LW didn't. Yes, ideally things would be talked about--but it's not the LW who decided to just announce what she was doing, when it was too late to negotiate anything.
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And none of my housemates would invite kids over without making sure that they would be properly supervised.
Given that THESE kids are a known hazard, and it’s unlikely that LW’s mom doesn’t know that it was a sneaky move to invite them over at the last minute and without consulting with LW and allowing them to have time to move valuables out of kid reach before they had to leave.
(Also, it’s a big assumption on Nicole’s part that these kids are baby-gate-aged – I suspect that the LW would have said that they were toddlers, if they were that age. My suspicion Is that they are older and badly behaved.)
And what is up with the idea that LW is somehow failing here for not childproofing in advance for a kid who isn’t even conceived yet??
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This is really raising my eyebrow too, yeah.
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IDK. I hate my upstairs neighbor's screaming and yelling on weekend nights, even though they aren't technically doing anything wrong or hurting anyone, I guess? I find it disruptive to my peace of mind and stressful. These aren't LW's kids. They disrupt her peace of mind and introduce stress. I get it.
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I think the columnist misunderstands what the LW said, too. She didn't tell her mom to throw out the kids. She asked her to supervise them because she knew the kids' parents wouldn't do so. That seems very reasonable to me.
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If yes, then imho LW's mother was absolutely in the wrong to invite the sister's entire family over. LW's mother waiting until the very last minute to tell LW about it--when LW had no choice but to allow it, or miss her own event--was hugely passive-aggressive. It suggests that LW's mother intentionally defied LW's boundary here.
Childproofing the place is not the point here, the point is that it was a breach of LW's trust for LW's mother to pull a bait and switch.
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Do they even HAVE specific rules? It might not have occurred to them to negotiate such things when they moved in together. They're family, not roommates. It's easy to overlook the fact that they're roommates too.
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Personally I think all the adults in the house ought to have veto power over any overnight houseguests, and maybe even over guests for shorter periods.
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I feel like nothing actually happened, so the LW doesn't want to admit she might not have needed to ask her mom to contain the kids, and the mom feels like the warning was unwarranted.
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I was just about to reference that.
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This one thing about inviting the nieces/nephews without telling her is the tip of the iceberg I am sure.
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Yeah, I don't get why she didn't just do that.
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I find LW more annoying than she is, but that doesn't put Mom in the right
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Was it this post where I said, "I'm glad I'm not related to any of these people?"
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(I'm replying from email at the moment) I continue to be glad I'm not related to any of them.