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conuly1. Dear Pay Dirt,
I am much younger than my siblings by a decade or more. As a teen, it was annoying because I became the de facto babysitter when they had kids at every family function. It very much cemented my lack of maternal instinct and my desire to never have children.
I usually don’t bring up the topic since I am tired of getting pat on the head and told that I will change my pretty, empty head about babies because all women are slaves to biology. Here is the rub. I make a lot more than all of my siblings. I usually don’t bring it up, but this time it has gone too far.
I paid for us to rent a beach house as a week-long family vacation. Rather than getting my own room like everyone else, my family collectively decided I would bunk with the kids or sleep on the sofa. There was no discussion. I was told that I was still a “kid” and that as someone without a partner, I didn’t deserve privacy or the peace to sleep in. I protested and was told that when I am a “real” adult with a spouse and kids, it will change. This pissed me off—so I told them I wasn’t going and was going to cancel renting the house unless they wanted to take over the payment. None of them could and they blame me for being petty and ruining their vacation. It’s gotten so bad that I am not talking to half of them. I am honestly considering going no contact after this—even my parents blame me. Where do I go from here?
—Not a Kid
( Read more... )
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2. Dear Annie: My husband has five kids from a previous marriage. One was — well, I'll say never overly friendly. The other four I thought we were good. But things blew up over something dumb. Now three of his girls do not talk to me. Which for me is fine. They think that I am too controlling with their father.
But they are also taking out their anger on their father by not talking to him either. This makes me more angry. I would like to tell them that they all need to grow up. It's not like they are young. These are grown children with families of their own. My husband says I should let it go. But I know he is so hurt by how they are acting. Should I leave it alone or finally tell them to grow up? This is something that is not going to blow over. — Tired of Trying
( Read more... )
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3. Dear Care and Feeding,
Am I being manipulative or am I being a good parent? I have two children, a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old. Until recently, I have had a decent relationship with my dad and stepmom, but for the past year, I have felt like my stepmom doesn’t like me.
I couldn’t find an exact reason until I saw messages where she was being really mean. In one message, she threatened to put laxatives in my food because I “couldn’t be a b*tch if I had the runs,” and there were lots of other things like that. When I saw the messages, I immediately packed up my kids and left their house. I told my dad that he could still come to see the kids, but she could not. I was told I was being manipulative and using my kids as a bargaining chip. I don’t feel safe with my kids being around someone who threatened me and doesn’t like me. I have lost faith that she will treat my kids with kindness because of her dislike for me. Am I in the wrong?
—Definitely Hurt Daughter
( Read more... )
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5. DEAR HARRIETTE: My nephew was recently born, and he is the most precious child. I was so happy for my sister because this is her first child as well as the first grandchild born in our family. She kept his gender and name a secret from the family until he was born. She named her baby "Raymond," the name I have been saying I would give to my son if I ever had one.
I am 32 years old and single, but I still want to have children one day. I feel hurt and betrayed that she used the name I had always dreamed of for my future child without discussing it with me. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and overshadow her joy, but I'm struggling to deal with these feelings. I also don't want this to create any tension between us or within the family. Should I talk to my sister about how I feel, or should I just let it go and focus on celebrating my new nephew? -- What's In a Name
( Read more... )
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6. DEAR ABBY: I have an unusual situation and don't know what to do. I've been married for 28 years. My husband likes to urinate outside. We have a patio just outside our kitchen window, and I can't stand the smell anymore.
Our neighbors have complained to him and have asked me to make him stop. I have asked him nicely, I have begged, I have gotten angry and I have cried. Nothing makes him stop. Last year, he was arrested for urinating in a public park. Please help me figure this out. -- AT THE END OF MY ROPE IN WISCONSIN
( Read more... )
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7. DEAR ABBY: How do I ask my family to stop worrying about me? I was widowed three years ago after a 28-year relationship. My sisters and father panic if I don't respond to their texts within 12 hours, always telling me they are "just worried."
We live in different time zones, and I try to respect them by not responding after 9 or 10 p.m. They react with great worry when they don't hear from me. I am a capable, self-aware adult, and I would like this to stop without hurting their feelings. I have told them this and they continue!
For example, I traveled one weekend and returned home after 10 p.m. my time, midnight their time, and they responded 12 hours later "HELLO??" when I didn't respond to a text about whether I was home. This was air travel, not by car. When my father learned I had been out of town, he was hurt that he was not aware.
I appreciate their concern but do not feel I need to reassure them of my well-being. At the same time, I don't want to push them away. Please advise. -- DOING WELL IN NEVADA
( Read more... )
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8. DEAR ABBY: After several years of worsening arguments, I told my father I was tired of fighting with him, and we needed family counseling. He was deeply, explosively offended and not only refused to talk about counseling, but also ceased all contact with me.
He called my siblings and told them I was disowned and then changed his will. This was surely an overreaction, but it might be generational. When I said we needed to see a therapist, I think he heard me calling him (or us?) mentally ill, which he found unacceptable.
The relationship with my dad is probably not repairable, but he has told all of our extended family that I'm the one who cut off contact with him and that I started it. I guess that's sort of true because I said we needed to be in counseling before we visited each other again, but the way he tells the story made me look like a villain, and my aunts and cousins stopped inviting me to family events. No one will pick up the phone or answer emails.
I have a good job and live on my own, so it's not that I need their support, but I miss them and hate them thinking so poorly of me. Besides going to counseling myself, which I'm doing, what can I do? -- MISSING IN MASSACHUSETTS
( Read more... )
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9. DEAR ABBY: During my entire 40-year marriage, I have wondered if my husband is bisexual. He met his friend "Ernie" around the same time he met me. My husband has always had female friends as well as Ernie. When he came home late, I'd accuse him of having affairs with his female co-workers.
We have stayed together, although there have been a lot of arguments. Years ago, my brother-in-law went golfing with my husband and Ernie. My brother-in-law told me my problem wasn't another woman -- it was a man. When I asked why he thought that, he said my husband and Ernie were in their own little world. He said he wasn't jealous of their friendship, but it was just his opinion.
To cut to the chase, not long ago, my husband and three other friends went on a golf trip. There was a king-size bed in the master bedroom, a second bedroom with two queen-size beds, and a sofa sleeper. I asked my husband about the sleeping arrangements, and he said one slept on the couch, one in the room with two queen beds, and he and Ernie shared the king-size bed.
When I asked what the other guys thought about the two of them sleeping in the same bed he yelled, "I don't care what they thought!" I said, "And it appears you don't care what your wife thinks either."
My husband has always said, "There isn't another woman. You know I love you." He has always denied being bi. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. Please tell me what you think. -- FINALLY FED UP IN DELAWARE
( Read more... )
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10. Dear Annie: My wife's family ignores me and does not speak to me at any family events.
Her sister was visiting us in early 2024. We were driving to a synagogue event in my wife's honor. In the car, her sister told me that I was not allowed to say anything to her. I replied that it was my car and I can speak to whom I choose. She cursed me out as her reply.
There came the time to bring her to the airport. I did such. She had a heavy suitcase to take out of the car, and due to her multiple sclerosis, she struggles to lift heavy objects. I refused to do anything, and she was forced to pick up the heavy suitcase from the trunk.
My spouse was upset with me because I refused to help her sister. My response was that since she despises me, why should I do anything for her? I did get a lot of flak for not helping her sister with the luggage. Again, I responded by stating that I was not going to assist because of her vile disrespect and hatred for me.
With the exception of one niece, my spouse's siblings and children do not talk to me at all. I have tried a number of times to extend an olive branch to them, and they do not say anything back to me. I have been totally dissed.
I told my wife that I will not attend her family's events because of the nasty treatment that I receive.
Such a position puts my spouse in an uneasy situation. I understand her feelings, but I feel the hostility of all of them.
What is the best approach or possible solution? -- Sick of Wife's Toxic Family
( Read more... )
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11. Dear Eric: My brother's son, “Dan", has chosen to totally delete his dad from his life. He has refused all forms of contact for more than a year. My brother has no idea why Dan has disengaged without explanation.
My brother continues to attempt contact via our usual forms of communication but to no avail. How does a family approach this conundrum? We are baffled and so deeply saddened by this turn of events.
What message is Dan sending to his two sons: my brother's grandsons?
– Dismayed Aunt
( Read more... )
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12. Dear Carolyn: I was telling my family what I thought was a funny story about my boyfriend (he was not there): Since we’ve been living together, every time I get sick, he starts complaining about being so much sicker. When I had tonsillitis, he suddenly was so sick, also from tonsillitis. When I had a UTI, he’s suddenly bedridden with a UTI. Every single time I get better, he magically gets better, too, even though I was the only one taking the antibiotics, etc.
When I had covid, he was SO SICK with the same thing, but even “worse.” I was in bed for six days and he went to work the whole week and out drinking, but when he’d get home, he’d insist he was just as sick as I was.
My parents didn’t laugh as I expected. My dad said this means he’s willing to lie to me to get out of taking care of me. When I said he may not be lying, it may just be a form of hypochondria, my mom said that’s worse: This deep-seated need to one-up my illness is somewhat pathological.
Is this as big a red flag as my parents think it is, or just a weird quirk?
— I Thought It Was Funny
( Read more... )
13. Dear Eric: My daughter visited my son and daughter-in-law in anticipation of the arrival of their baby daughter. The nursery was decorated with wallpaper that had roses as a motif. My daughter loved the design.
A year later, my daughter gave birth to her daughter, named Rose. She had looked online for many wallpaper designs but returned to the same rose design that my daughter-in-law had, which was a very popular choice and fit my granddaughter’s name.
My daughter-in-law is very hurt. Now she will not speak with my daughter or attend any family occasions if my daughter is present because she feels that my daughter stole her idea. She insists that my daughter remove the rose design wallpaper.
I suggested to my daughter that she change the wallpaper to “keep the peace” as it is only wallpaper. My daughter refuses to do so because she loves the wallpaper, it is not “unique” as many have it, and she does not want to give in to what she considers irrational demands. What would you suggest?
– Thorny Dilemma
( Read more... )
I am much younger than my siblings by a decade or more. As a teen, it was annoying because I became the de facto babysitter when they had kids at every family function. It very much cemented my lack of maternal instinct and my desire to never have children.
I usually don’t bring up the topic since I am tired of getting pat on the head and told that I will change my pretty, empty head about babies because all women are slaves to biology. Here is the rub. I make a lot more than all of my siblings. I usually don’t bring it up, but this time it has gone too far.
I paid for us to rent a beach house as a week-long family vacation. Rather than getting my own room like everyone else, my family collectively decided I would bunk with the kids or sleep on the sofa. There was no discussion. I was told that I was still a “kid” and that as someone without a partner, I didn’t deserve privacy or the peace to sleep in. I protested and was told that when I am a “real” adult with a spouse and kids, it will change. This pissed me off—so I told them I wasn’t going and was going to cancel renting the house unless they wanted to take over the payment. None of them could and they blame me for being petty and ruining their vacation. It’s gotten so bad that I am not talking to half of them. I am honestly considering going no contact after this—even my parents blame me. Where do I go from here?
—Not a Kid
( Read more... )
2. Dear Annie: My husband has five kids from a previous marriage. One was — well, I'll say never overly friendly. The other four I thought we were good. But things blew up over something dumb. Now three of his girls do not talk to me. Which for me is fine. They think that I am too controlling with their father.
But they are also taking out their anger on their father by not talking to him either. This makes me more angry. I would like to tell them that they all need to grow up. It's not like they are young. These are grown children with families of their own. My husband says I should let it go. But I know he is so hurt by how they are acting. Should I leave it alone or finally tell them to grow up? This is something that is not going to blow over. — Tired of Trying
( Read more... )
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
Am I being manipulative or am I being a good parent? I have two children, a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old. Until recently, I have had a decent relationship with my dad and stepmom, but for the past year, I have felt like my stepmom doesn’t like me.
I couldn’t find an exact reason until I saw messages where she was being really mean. In one message, she threatened to put laxatives in my food because I “couldn’t be a b*tch if I had the runs,” and there were lots of other things like that. When I saw the messages, I immediately packed up my kids and left their house. I told my dad that he could still come to see the kids, but she could not. I was told I was being manipulative and using my kids as a bargaining chip. I don’t feel safe with my kids being around someone who threatened me and doesn’t like me. I have lost faith that she will treat my kids with kindness because of her dislike for me. Am I in the wrong?
—Definitely Hurt Daughter
( Read more... )
5. DEAR HARRIETTE: My nephew was recently born, and he is the most precious child. I was so happy for my sister because this is her first child as well as the first grandchild born in our family. She kept his gender and name a secret from the family until he was born. She named her baby "Raymond," the name I have been saying I would give to my son if I ever had one.
I am 32 years old and single, but I still want to have children one day. I feel hurt and betrayed that she used the name I had always dreamed of for my future child without discussing it with me. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and overshadow her joy, but I'm struggling to deal with these feelings. I also don't want this to create any tension between us or within the family. Should I talk to my sister about how I feel, or should I just let it go and focus on celebrating my new nephew? -- What's In a Name
( Read more... )
6. DEAR ABBY: I have an unusual situation and don't know what to do. I've been married for 28 years. My husband likes to urinate outside. We have a patio just outside our kitchen window, and I can't stand the smell anymore.
Our neighbors have complained to him and have asked me to make him stop. I have asked him nicely, I have begged, I have gotten angry and I have cried. Nothing makes him stop. Last year, he was arrested for urinating in a public park. Please help me figure this out. -- AT THE END OF MY ROPE IN WISCONSIN
( Read more... )
7. DEAR ABBY: How do I ask my family to stop worrying about me? I was widowed three years ago after a 28-year relationship. My sisters and father panic if I don't respond to their texts within 12 hours, always telling me they are "just worried."
We live in different time zones, and I try to respect them by not responding after 9 or 10 p.m. They react with great worry when they don't hear from me. I am a capable, self-aware adult, and I would like this to stop without hurting their feelings. I have told them this and they continue!
For example, I traveled one weekend and returned home after 10 p.m. my time, midnight their time, and they responded 12 hours later "HELLO??" when I didn't respond to a text about whether I was home. This was air travel, not by car. When my father learned I had been out of town, he was hurt that he was not aware.
I appreciate their concern but do not feel I need to reassure them of my well-being. At the same time, I don't want to push them away. Please advise. -- DOING WELL IN NEVADA
( Read more... )
8. DEAR ABBY: After several years of worsening arguments, I told my father I was tired of fighting with him, and we needed family counseling. He was deeply, explosively offended and not only refused to talk about counseling, but also ceased all contact with me.
He called my siblings and told them I was disowned and then changed his will. This was surely an overreaction, but it might be generational. When I said we needed to see a therapist, I think he heard me calling him (or us?) mentally ill, which he found unacceptable.
The relationship with my dad is probably not repairable, but he has told all of our extended family that I'm the one who cut off contact with him and that I started it. I guess that's sort of true because I said we needed to be in counseling before we visited each other again, but the way he tells the story made me look like a villain, and my aunts and cousins stopped inviting me to family events. No one will pick up the phone or answer emails.
I have a good job and live on my own, so it's not that I need their support, but I miss them and hate them thinking so poorly of me. Besides going to counseling myself, which I'm doing, what can I do? -- MISSING IN MASSACHUSETTS
( Read more... )
9. DEAR ABBY: During my entire 40-year marriage, I have wondered if my husband is bisexual. He met his friend "Ernie" around the same time he met me. My husband has always had female friends as well as Ernie. When he came home late, I'd accuse him of having affairs with his female co-workers.
We have stayed together, although there have been a lot of arguments. Years ago, my brother-in-law went golfing with my husband and Ernie. My brother-in-law told me my problem wasn't another woman -- it was a man. When I asked why he thought that, he said my husband and Ernie were in their own little world. He said he wasn't jealous of their friendship, but it was just his opinion.
To cut to the chase, not long ago, my husband and three other friends went on a golf trip. There was a king-size bed in the master bedroom, a second bedroom with two queen-size beds, and a sofa sleeper. I asked my husband about the sleeping arrangements, and he said one slept on the couch, one in the room with two queen beds, and he and Ernie shared the king-size bed.
When I asked what the other guys thought about the two of them sleeping in the same bed he yelled, "I don't care what they thought!" I said, "And it appears you don't care what your wife thinks either."
My husband has always said, "There isn't another woman. You know I love you." He has always denied being bi. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. Please tell me what you think. -- FINALLY FED UP IN DELAWARE
( Read more... )
10. Dear Annie: My wife's family ignores me and does not speak to me at any family events.
Her sister was visiting us in early 2024. We were driving to a synagogue event in my wife's honor. In the car, her sister told me that I was not allowed to say anything to her. I replied that it was my car and I can speak to whom I choose. She cursed me out as her reply.
There came the time to bring her to the airport. I did such. She had a heavy suitcase to take out of the car, and due to her multiple sclerosis, she struggles to lift heavy objects. I refused to do anything, and she was forced to pick up the heavy suitcase from the trunk.
My spouse was upset with me because I refused to help her sister. My response was that since she despises me, why should I do anything for her? I did get a lot of flak for not helping her sister with the luggage. Again, I responded by stating that I was not going to assist because of her vile disrespect and hatred for me.
With the exception of one niece, my spouse's siblings and children do not talk to me at all. I have tried a number of times to extend an olive branch to them, and they do not say anything back to me. I have been totally dissed.
I told my wife that I will not attend her family's events because of the nasty treatment that I receive.
Such a position puts my spouse in an uneasy situation. I understand her feelings, but I feel the hostility of all of them.
What is the best approach or possible solution? -- Sick of Wife's Toxic Family
( Read more... )
11. Dear Eric: My brother's son, “Dan", has chosen to totally delete his dad from his life. He has refused all forms of contact for more than a year. My brother has no idea why Dan has disengaged without explanation.
My brother continues to attempt contact via our usual forms of communication but to no avail. How does a family approach this conundrum? We are baffled and so deeply saddened by this turn of events.
What message is Dan sending to his two sons: my brother's grandsons?
– Dismayed Aunt
( Read more... )
12. Dear Carolyn: I was telling my family what I thought was a funny story about my boyfriend (he was not there): Since we’ve been living together, every time I get sick, he starts complaining about being so much sicker. When I had tonsillitis, he suddenly was so sick, also from tonsillitis. When I had a UTI, he’s suddenly bedridden with a UTI. Every single time I get better, he magically gets better, too, even though I was the only one taking the antibiotics, etc.
When I had covid, he was SO SICK with the same thing, but even “worse.” I was in bed for six days and he went to work the whole week and out drinking, but when he’d get home, he’d insist he was just as sick as I was.
My parents didn’t laugh as I expected. My dad said this means he’s willing to lie to me to get out of taking care of me. When I said he may not be lying, it may just be a form of hypochondria, my mom said that’s worse: This deep-seated need to one-up my illness is somewhat pathological.
Is this as big a red flag as my parents think it is, or just a weird quirk?
— I Thought It Was Funny
( Read more... )
13. Dear Eric: My daughter visited my son and daughter-in-law in anticipation of the arrival of their baby daughter. The nursery was decorated with wallpaper that had roses as a motif. My daughter loved the design.
A year later, my daughter gave birth to her daughter, named Rose. She had looked online for many wallpaper designs but returned to the same rose design that my daughter-in-law had, which was a very popular choice and fit my granddaughter’s name.
My daughter-in-law is very hurt. Now she will not speak with my daughter or attend any family occasions if my daughter is present because she feels that my daughter stole her idea. She insists that my daughter remove the rose design wallpaper.
I suggested to my daughter that she change the wallpaper to “keep the peace” as it is only wallpaper. My daughter refuses to do so because she loves the wallpaper, it is not “unique” as many have it, and she does not want to give in to what she considers irrational demands. What would you suggest?
– Thorny Dilemma
( Read more... )