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Estrangement, semi-estrangement, and people who ought to be estranged/divorced/broken up
1. Dear Pay Dirt,
I am much younger than my siblings by a decade or more. As a teen, it was annoying because I became the de facto babysitter when they had kids at every family function. It very much cemented my lack of maternal instinct and my desire to never have children.
I usually don’t bring up the topic since I am tired of getting pat on the head and told that I will change my pretty, empty head about babies because all women are slaves to biology. Here is the rub. I make a lot more than all of my siblings. I usually don’t bring it up, but this time it has gone too far.
I paid for us to rent a beach house as a week-long family vacation. Rather than getting my own room like everyone else, my family collectively decided I would bunk with the kids or sleep on the sofa. There was no discussion. I was told that I was still a “kid” and that as someone without a partner, I didn’t deserve privacy or the peace to sleep in. I protested and was told that when I am a “real” adult with a spouse and kids, it will change. This pissed me off—so I told them I wasn’t going and was going to cancel renting the house unless they wanted to take over the payment. None of them could and they blame me for being petty and ruining their vacation. It’s gotten so bad that I am not talking to half of them. I am honestly considering going no contact after this—even my parents blame me. Where do I go from here?
—Not a Kid
Dear Not a Kid,
How does it feel to be the healthiest one in your family? Probably a little lonely. You picked up your ball—which, in this case, was a fully-paid vacation for your family—and went home. Everyone’s mad because you refuse to let them freeload and treat you as less than worthy.
(There’s a vice presidential candidate who once suggested that childless people should have less voting power than couples with children. Doesn’t seem to be going well for him either at the moment.)
By the way, I don’t think you’re being petty. I think you’re standing your ground and making sure the rules of engagement are fair. Your family sees you as less than—and that has to sting. If you want to make one final effort to help your family understand where you are in your life, then sit down with your parents and level with them. Tell them who you really are, what you want for yourself, and where you think life will lead you. And tell them how hurt you are that they think you’re less than, simply because you’ve chosen not to live your life as a mirror of theirs.
Then, sit back and wait for their response. While I hope they open up their arms and profusely apologize for being doughheads, you should be prepared to watch them dig themselves in deeper. At that point, you can tell them you’re going to step back and re-evaluate the relationship. They may not even know what you’re talking about. But you will, and that’s all that matters. Here’s hoping your family of choice provides you with all the love, support, and encouragement you never got from your family of origin.
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2. Dear Annie: My husband has five kids from a previous marriage. One was — well, I'll say never overly friendly. The other four I thought we were good. But things blew up over something dumb. Now three of his girls do not talk to me. Which for me is fine. They think that I am too controlling with their father.
But they are also taking out their anger on their father by not talking to him either. This makes me more angry. I would like to tell them that they all need to grow up. It's not like they are young. These are grown children with families of their own. My husband says I should let it go. But I know he is so hurt by how they are acting. Should I leave it alone or finally tell them to grow up? This is something that is not going to blow over. — Tired of Trying
Dear Tired of Trying: Wanting to insult your stepdaughters is not really trying. It's being judgmental and not looking at how your behaviors might have caused their frustration with you and your husband. You never once referred to them as your stepchildren, only your husband's kids. This leads me to believe that you have never been accepting of them.
Instead of telling them to grow up, reach out to them and say that you and your husband would like a relationship with them. If it is too far gone with you, at least try to repair their father's relationship. In addition, encourage your husband to reach out to his children and not be so passive, pretending everything is fine.
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3. Dear Care and Feeding,
Am I being manipulative or am I being a good parent? I have two children, a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old. Until recently, I have had a decent relationship with my dad and stepmom, but for the past year, I have felt like my stepmom doesn’t like me.
I couldn’t find an exact reason until I saw messages where she was being really mean. In one message, she threatened to put laxatives in my food because I “couldn’t be a b*tch if I had the runs,” and there were lots of other things like that. When I saw the messages, I immediately packed up my kids and left their house. I told my dad that he could still come to see the kids, but she could not. I was told I was being manipulative and using my kids as a bargaining chip. I don’t feel safe with my kids being around someone who threatened me and doesn’t like me. I have lost faith that she will treat my kids with kindness because of her dislike for me. Am I in the wrong?
—Definitely Hurt Daughter
Dear Hurt,
What did your dad say about the messages? Is he the person who accused you of being manipulative? I can’t say whether your kids are in any danger from your stepmom, but I do think that you have a right to be unsettled at least and fearful at most for your own safety—physical or emotional—around your stepmom. I’m troubled that your father doesn’t see that. Maybe your stepmom has a dark, sarcastic sense of humor, but even if she was joking about the laxatives, she clearly harbors some animosity toward you.
I think it’s time for some real talk with your dad. Does he agree with her characterization of your behavior or character, and if so, why? If you’ve made some transgression, you can’t fix it without being aware of it. If he does not, is he prepared to stand up for you to his wife, and will he agree to your boundaries?
It is not manipulative to remove yourself and your kids from contact with a household where slurs and indifference are acceptable behaviors. Quite the opposite, in fact; as they get older and understand the situation, your children will learn the importance of kindness and respect, and the power of putting your self-worth first.
—Allison
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5. DEAR HARRIETTE: My nephew was recently born, and he is the most precious child. I was so happy for my sister because this is her first child as well as the first grandchild born in our family. She kept his gender and name a secret from the family until he was born. She named her baby "Raymond," the name I have been saying I would give to my son if I ever had one.
I am 32 years old and single, but I still want to have children one day. I feel hurt and betrayed that she used the name I had always dreamed of for my future child without discussing it with me. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and overshadow her joy, but I'm struggling to deal with these feelings. I also don't want this to create any tension between us or within the family. Should I talk to my sister about how I feel, or should I just let it go and focus on celebrating my new nephew? -- What's In a Name
DEAR WHAT'S IN A NAME: I reserved my grandmother's name for my future daughter when I was a child. My sister had children before me and had a vision of our grandmother as her daughter was being born. She added her name to her planned name, thereby giving her a hyphenated name. That softened what might have been a blow. (I had my only daughter 10 years later and still gave her the name.)
Tell your sister that you are disappointed with her decision, given that she knew your plan. Should you have a son, you can give him the name anyway, perhaps with a hyphenation. Your sister can't control that.
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6. DEAR ABBY: I have an unusual situation and don't know what to do. I've been married for 28 years. My husband likes to urinate outside. We have a patio just outside our kitchen window, and I can't stand the smell anymore.
Our neighbors have complained to him and have asked me to make him stop. I have asked him nicely, I have begged, I have gotten angry and I have cried. Nothing makes him stop. Last year, he was arrested for urinating in a public park. Please help me figure this out. -- AT THE END OF MY ROPE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR 'END': For some men, their home is their castle, and their yard is their kingdom. Your husband seems to like marking his turf -- literally. (Dogs do this as well.) Because you can't make him see reason, it may be time for your neighbors to report him to the authorities for exposing himself in public.
And, between you and me, that he would urinate in a public park may indicate that he's slipping mentally, which should be mentioned to his doctor.
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7. DEAR ABBY: How do I ask my family to stop worrying about me? I was widowed three years ago after a 28-year relationship. My sisters and father panic if I don't respond to their texts within 12 hours, always telling me they are "just worried."
We live in different time zones, and I try to respect them by not responding after 9 or 10 p.m. They react with great worry when they don't hear from me. I am a capable, self-aware adult, and I would like this to stop without hurting their feelings. I have told them this and they continue!
For example, I traveled one weekend and returned home after 10 p.m. my time, midnight their time, and they responded 12 hours later "HELLO??" when I didn't respond to a text about whether I was home. This was air travel, not by car. When my father learned I had been out of town, he was hurt that he was not aware.
I appreciate their concern but do not feel I need to reassure them of my well-being. At the same time, I don't want to push them away. Please advise. -- DOING WELL IN NEVADA
DEAR DOING WELL: Clearly, you have been much too considerate. Here's what you do: Regardless of the hour, answer their texts. LET them wake up at midnight or 1 a.m. to the "good news" that you have arrived home safely, and perhaps they'll loosen up and stop worrying so much.
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8. DEAR ABBY: After several years of worsening arguments, I told my father I was tired of fighting with him, and we needed family counseling. He was deeply, explosively offended and not only refused to talk about counseling, but also ceased all contact with me.
He called my siblings and told them I was disowned and then changed his will. This was surely an overreaction, but it might be generational. When I said we needed to see a therapist, I think he heard me calling him (or us?) mentally ill, which he found unacceptable.
The relationship with my dad is probably not repairable, but he has told all of our extended family that I'm the one who cut off contact with him and that I started it. I guess that's sort of true because I said we needed to be in counseling before we visited each other again, but the way he tells the story made me look like a villain, and my aunts and cousins stopped inviting me to family events. No one will pick up the phone or answer emails.
I have a good job and live on my own, so it's not that I need their support, but I miss them and hate them thinking so poorly of me. Besides going to counseling myself, which I'm doing, what can I do? -- MISSING IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MISSING: There is little more you can do besides what you have already tried. You might send out one more mass email blast explaining in detail what happened with your father, tell them you love and miss them and that you are sorry that your suggestion that you and Dad have family counseling resulted in your being shunned (which is what is happening). Then get on with your life and gather a "chosen family" of friends who are supportive in good times and bad.
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9. DEAR ABBY: During my entire 40-year marriage, I have wondered if my husband is bisexual. He met his friend "Ernie" around the same time he met me. My husband has always had female friends as well as Ernie. When he came home late, I'd accuse him of having affairs with his female co-workers.
We have stayed together, although there have been a lot of arguments. Years ago, my brother-in-law went golfing with my husband and Ernie. My brother-in-law told me my problem wasn't another woman -- it was a man. When I asked why he thought that, he said my husband and Ernie were in their own little world. He said he wasn't jealous of their friendship, but it was just his opinion.
To cut to the chase, not long ago, my husband and three other friends went on a golf trip. There was a king-size bed in the master bedroom, a second bedroom with two queen-size beds, and a sofa sleeper. I asked my husband about the sleeping arrangements, and he said one slept on the couch, one in the room with two queen beds, and he and Ernie shared the king-size bed.
When I asked what the other guys thought about the two of them sleeping in the same bed he yelled, "I don't care what they thought!" I said, "And it appears you don't care what your wife thinks either."
My husband has always said, "There isn't another woman. You know I love you." He has always denied being bi. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. Please tell me what you think. -- FINALLY FED UP IN DELAWARE
DEAR FED UP: For two men to share a bed when there is another option is, in my opinion, questionable. Never having met your husband, I hesitate to state whether he is or isn't cheating on you with Ernie. Being bisexual does not make a person an adulterer. If he were to confirm your suspicion that he is bisexual, would it change your longtime marriage? THAT, my friend, is the $64,000 question.
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10. Dear Annie: My wife's family ignores me and does not speak to me at any family events.
Her sister was visiting us in early 2024. We were driving to a synagogue event in my wife's honor. In the car, her sister told me that I was not allowed to say anything to her. I replied that it was my car and I can speak to whom I choose. She cursed me out as her reply.
There came the time to bring her to the airport. I did such. She had a heavy suitcase to take out of the car, and due to her multiple sclerosis, she struggles to lift heavy objects. I refused to do anything, and she was forced to pick up the heavy suitcase from the trunk.
My spouse was upset with me because I refused to help her sister. My response was that since she despises me, why should I do anything for her? I did get a lot of flak for not helping her sister with the luggage. Again, I responded by stating that I was not going to assist because of her vile disrespect and hatred for me.
With the exception of one niece, my spouse's siblings and children do not talk to me at all. I have tried a number of times to extend an olive branch to them, and they do not say anything back to me. I have been totally dissed.
I told my wife that I will not attend her family's events because of the nasty treatment that I receive.
Such a position puts my spouse in an uneasy situation. I understand her feelings, but I feel the hostility of all of them.
What is the best approach or possible solution? -- Sick of Wife's Toxic Family
Dear Sick: The only toxic behavior I'm seeing in your letter is your refusal to help your sister-in-law -- who has multiple sclerosis -- with her bags. Next time you're frustrated with one of your wife's family members, try to respond with kindness rather than hostility, and see what happens.
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11. Dear Eric: My brother's son, “Dan", has chosen to totally delete his dad from his life. He has refused all forms of contact for more than a year. My brother has no idea why Dan has disengaged without explanation.
My brother continues to attempt contact via our usual forms of communication but to no avail. How does a family approach this conundrum? We are baffled and so deeply saddened by this turn of events.
What message is Dan sending to his two sons: my brother's grandsons?
– Dismayed Aunt
Dear Aunt: I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Estrangement is jarring. It runs cracks through the foundation of a family. And for an extended family it can feel hopelessly confusing.
I know that your brother says this came out of nowhere, but I wish that we had more information from him about what exactly that “nowhere” looked like before Dan cut off all contact.
Often, estranged parents are willfully or accidentally blind to the events that precipitated the divide. It’s hard to say what a healthy path forward is without knowing more about Dan and your brother’s relationship.
If Dan will speak to you, you should reach out to him. Don’t try to lobby on your brother’s behalf, simply ask Dan to share his perspective with you. See if he’s open to a relationship with you. Family members don’t have to be judge and jury in disputes like this. Indeed, it’s best if you don’t make a ruling.
There’s something that has hurt Dan so deeply that his only recourse, he feels, is to cut off contact with his father. See if he’s open to an outstretched hand and a listening ear.
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12. Dear Carolyn: I was telling my family what I thought was a funny story about my boyfriend (he was not there): Since we’ve been living together, every time I get sick, he starts complaining about being so much sicker. When I had tonsillitis, he suddenly was so sick, also from tonsillitis. When I had a UTI, he’s suddenly bedridden with a UTI. Every single time I get better, he magically gets better, too, even though I was the only one taking the antibiotics, etc.
When I had covid, he was SO SICK with the same thing, but even “worse.” I was in bed for six days and he went to work the whole week and out drinking, but when he’d get home, he’d insist he was just as sick as I was.
My parents didn’t laugh as I expected. My dad said this means he’s willing to lie to me to get out of taking care of me. When I said he may not be lying, it may just be a form of hypochondria, my mom said that’s worse: This deep-seated need to one-up my illness is somewhat pathological.
Is this as big a red flag as my parents think it is, or just a weird quirk?
— I Thought It Was Funny
I Thought It Was Funny: That’s kind of your call. But from my safe little chair, I imagine being years or maybe decades into a marriage with this person and needing serious care — care like I have watched friends and family need, up close. Or, egad, having a kid with serious issues. And if my life partner responded to this by ignoring the real needs completely so he could take to his bed with an acute case of self-pity, then I might look back on this moment and ask, whyyy didn’t I take this “quirk” seriously?
Think about it: responds to need by “needing” more himself. Wow. Thank your parents for saying the awkward thing, and yourself for daring to listen. Now keep going and ask why you missed it till now.
Readers’ thoughts:
· He said he had covid yet still went to in-person work and socializing? He either lied about having a highly transmissible virus or he deliberately exposed his friends and co-workers to said virus. Don’t let the door hit him on the [butt] on the way out.
· Always the same illness you have? Tonsillitis? Walk away over his lack of imagination.
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13. Dear Eric: My daughter visited my son and daughter-in-law in anticipation of the arrival of their baby daughter. The nursery was decorated with wallpaper that had roses as a motif. My daughter loved the design.
A year later, my daughter gave birth to her daughter, named Rose. She had looked online for many wallpaper designs but returned to the same rose design that my daughter-in-law had, which was a very popular choice and fit my granddaughter’s name.
My daughter-in-law is very hurt. Now she will not speak with my daughter or attend any family occasions if my daughter is present because she feels that my daughter stole her idea. She insists that my daughter remove the rose design wallpaper.
I suggested to my daughter that she change the wallpaper to “keep the peace” as it is only wallpaper. My daughter refuses to do so because she loves the wallpaper, it is not “unique” as many have it, and she does not want to give in to what she considers irrational demands. What would you suggest?
– Thorny Dilemma
Dear Thorny: I suggest that your daughter-in-law go outside, calm down and touch some grass. She cannot have a monopoly on every product. And buying it first doesn’t give her “dibs.” One cannot be a Conquistador of Costco.
Your daughter doesn’t need to remodel a room in her home to appease your daughter-in-law. That peace isn’t worth keeping. The position your daughter-in-law is taking is unreasonable and, perhaps worse, no fun.
During the first few years of the pandemic, a wall of my office was covered by a gorgeous wallpaper with huge floral blooms in the style of a Dutch Masters painting. It was designed by Ellie Cashman and elicited enthusiastic comments every single time I logged on to a Zoom, which was multiple times a day. And multiple times a day I would happily tell people where the wallpaper was from and I’d drop the link in the chat box for good measure.
(I have no stake, financial or otherwise, in Ellie Cashman Design. I’ve just never been happier with a purchase.)
It does no one any good to hoard the things that make you happy. Joy is not a scarce commodity.
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I am much younger than my siblings by a decade or more. As a teen, it was annoying because I became the de facto babysitter when they had kids at every family function. It very much cemented my lack of maternal instinct and my desire to never have children.
I usually don’t bring up the topic since I am tired of getting pat on the head and told that I will change my pretty, empty head about babies because all women are slaves to biology. Here is the rub. I make a lot more than all of my siblings. I usually don’t bring it up, but this time it has gone too far.
I paid for us to rent a beach house as a week-long family vacation. Rather than getting my own room like everyone else, my family collectively decided I would bunk with the kids or sleep on the sofa. There was no discussion. I was told that I was still a “kid” and that as someone without a partner, I didn’t deserve privacy or the peace to sleep in. I protested and was told that when I am a “real” adult with a spouse and kids, it will change. This pissed me off—so I told them I wasn’t going and was going to cancel renting the house unless they wanted to take over the payment. None of them could and they blame me for being petty and ruining their vacation. It’s gotten so bad that I am not talking to half of them. I am honestly considering going no contact after this—even my parents blame me. Where do I go from here?
—Not a Kid
Dear Not a Kid,
How does it feel to be the healthiest one in your family? Probably a little lonely. You picked up your ball—which, in this case, was a fully-paid vacation for your family—and went home. Everyone’s mad because you refuse to let them freeload and treat you as less than worthy.
(There’s a vice presidential candidate who once suggested that childless people should have less voting power than couples with children. Doesn’t seem to be going well for him either at the moment.)
By the way, I don’t think you’re being petty. I think you’re standing your ground and making sure the rules of engagement are fair. Your family sees you as less than—and that has to sting. If you want to make one final effort to help your family understand where you are in your life, then sit down with your parents and level with them. Tell them who you really are, what you want for yourself, and where you think life will lead you. And tell them how hurt you are that they think you’re less than, simply because you’ve chosen not to live your life as a mirror of theirs.
Then, sit back and wait for their response. While I hope they open up their arms and profusely apologize for being doughheads, you should be prepared to watch them dig themselves in deeper. At that point, you can tell them you’re going to step back and re-evaluate the relationship. They may not even know what you’re talking about. But you will, and that’s all that matters. Here’s hoping your family of choice provides you with all the love, support, and encouragement you never got from your family of origin.
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2. Dear Annie: My husband has five kids from a previous marriage. One was — well, I'll say never overly friendly. The other four I thought we were good. But things blew up over something dumb. Now three of his girls do not talk to me. Which for me is fine. They think that I am too controlling with their father.
But they are also taking out their anger on their father by not talking to him either. This makes me more angry. I would like to tell them that they all need to grow up. It's not like they are young. These are grown children with families of their own. My husband says I should let it go. But I know he is so hurt by how they are acting. Should I leave it alone or finally tell them to grow up? This is something that is not going to blow over. — Tired of Trying
Dear Tired of Trying: Wanting to insult your stepdaughters is not really trying. It's being judgmental and not looking at how your behaviors might have caused their frustration with you and your husband. You never once referred to them as your stepchildren, only your husband's kids. This leads me to believe that you have never been accepting of them.
Instead of telling them to grow up, reach out to them and say that you and your husband would like a relationship with them. If it is too far gone with you, at least try to repair their father's relationship. In addition, encourage your husband to reach out to his children and not be so passive, pretending everything is fine.
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3. Dear Care and Feeding,
Am I being manipulative or am I being a good parent? I have two children, a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old. Until recently, I have had a decent relationship with my dad and stepmom, but for the past year, I have felt like my stepmom doesn’t like me.
I couldn’t find an exact reason until I saw messages where she was being really mean. In one message, she threatened to put laxatives in my food because I “couldn’t be a b*tch if I had the runs,” and there were lots of other things like that. When I saw the messages, I immediately packed up my kids and left their house. I told my dad that he could still come to see the kids, but she could not. I was told I was being manipulative and using my kids as a bargaining chip. I don’t feel safe with my kids being around someone who threatened me and doesn’t like me. I have lost faith that she will treat my kids with kindness because of her dislike for me. Am I in the wrong?
—Definitely Hurt Daughter
Dear Hurt,
What did your dad say about the messages? Is he the person who accused you of being manipulative? I can’t say whether your kids are in any danger from your stepmom, but I do think that you have a right to be unsettled at least and fearful at most for your own safety—physical or emotional—around your stepmom. I’m troubled that your father doesn’t see that. Maybe your stepmom has a dark, sarcastic sense of humor, but even if she was joking about the laxatives, she clearly harbors some animosity toward you.
I think it’s time for some real talk with your dad. Does he agree with her characterization of your behavior or character, and if so, why? If you’ve made some transgression, you can’t fix it without being aware of it. If he does not, is he prepared to stand up for you to his wife, and will he agree to your boundaries?
It is not manipulative to remove yourself and your kids from contact with a household where slurs and indifference are acceptable behaviors. Quite the opposite, in fact; as they get older and understand the situation, your children will learn the importance of kindness and respect, and the power of putting your self-worth first.
—Allison
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5. DEAR HARRIETTE: My nephew was recently born, and he is the most precious child. I was so happy for my sister because this is her first child as well as the first grandchild born in our family. She kept his gender and name a secret from the family until he was born. She named her baby "Raymond," the name I have been saying I would give to my son if I ever had one.
I am 32 years old and single, but I still want to have children one day. I feel hurt and betrayed that she used the name I had always dreamed of for my future child without discussing it with me. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and overshadow her joy, but I'm struggling to deal with these feelings. I also don't want this to create any tension between us or within the family. Should I talk to my sister about how I feel, or should I just let it go and focus on celebrating my new nephew? -- What's In a Name
DEAR WHAT'S IN A NAME: I reserved my grandmother's name for my future daughter when I was a child. My sister had children before me and had a vision of our grandmother as her daughter was being born. She added her name to her planned name, thereby giving her a hyphenated name. That softened what might have been a blow. (I had my only daughter 10 years later and still gave her the name.)
Tell your sister that you are disappointed with her decision, given that she knew your plan. Should you have a son, you can give him the name anyway, perhaps with a hyphenation. Your sister can't control that.
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6. DEAR ABBY: I have an unusual situation and don't know what to do. I've been married for 28 years. My husband likes to urinate outside. We have a patio just outside our kitchen window, and I can't stand the smell anymore.
Our neighbors have complained to him and have asked me to make him stop. I have asked him nicely, I have begged, I have gotten angry and I have cried. Nothing makes him stop. Last year, he was arrested for urinating in a public park. Please help me figure this out. -- AT THE END OF MY ROPE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR 'END': For some men, their home is their castle, and their yard is their kingdom. Your husband seems to like marking his turf -- literally. (Dogs do this as well.) Because you can't make him see reason, it may be time for your neighbors to report him to the authorities for exposing himself in public.
And, between you and me, that he would urinate in a public park may indicate that he's slipping mentally, which should be mentioned to his doctor.
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7. DEAR ABBY: How do I ask my family to stop worrying about me? I was widowed three years ago after a 28-year relationship. My sisters and father panic if I don't respond to their texts within 12 hours, always telling me they are "just worried."
We live in different time zones, and I try to respect them by not responding after 9 or 10 p.m. They react with great worry when they don't hear from me. I am a capable, self-aware adult, and I would like this to stop without hurting their feelings. I have told them this and they continue!
For example, I traveled one weekend and returned home after 10 p.m. my time, midnight their time, and they responded 12 hours later "HELLO??" when I didn't respond to a text about whether I was home. This was air travel, not by car. When my father learned I had been out of town, he was hurt that he was not aware.
I appreciate their concern but do not feel I need to reassure them of my well-being. At the same time, I don't want to push them away. Please advise. -- DOING WELL IN NEVADA
DEAR DOING WELL: Clearly, you have been much too considerate. Here's what you do: Regardless of the hour, answer their texts. LET them wake up at midnight or 1 a.m. to the "good news" that you have arrived home safely, and perhaps they'll loosen up and stop worrying so much.
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8. DEAR ABBY: After several years of worsening arguments, I told my father I was tired of fighting with him, and we needed family counseling. He was deeply, explosively offended and not only refused to talk about counseling, but also ceased all contact with me.
He called my siblings and told them I was disowned and then changed his will. This was surely an overreaction, but it might be generational. When I said we needed to see a therapist, I think he heard me calling him (or us?) mentally ill, which he found unacceptable.
The relationship with my dad is probably not repairable, but he has told all of our extended family that I'm the one who cut off contact with him and that I started it. I guess that's sort of true because I said we needed to be in counseling before we visited each other again, but the way he tells the story made me look like a villain, and my aunts and cousins stopped inviting me to family events. No one will pick up the phone or answer emails.
I have a good job and live on my own, so it's not that I need their support, but I miss them and hate them thinking so poorly of me. Besides going to counseling myself, which I'm doing, what can I do? -- MISSING IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MISSING: There is little more you can do besides what you have already tried. You might send out one more mass email blast explaining in detail what happened with your father, tell them you love and miss them and that you are sorry that your suggestion that you and Dad have family counseling resulted in your being shunned (which is what is happening). Then get on with your life and gather a "chosen family" of friends who are supportive in good times and bad.
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9. DEAR ABBY: During my entire 40-year marriage, I have wondered if my husband is bisexual. He met his friend "Ernie" around the same time he met me. My husband has always had female friends as well as Ernie. When he came home late, I'd accuse him of having affairs with his female co-workers.
We have stayed together, although there have been a lot of arguments. Years ago, my brother-in-law went golfing with my husband and Ernie. My brother-in-law told me my problem wasn't another woman -- it was a man. When I asked why he thought that, he said my husband and Ernie were in their own little world. He said he wasn't jealous of their friendship, but it was just his opinion.
To cut to the chase, not long ago, my husband and three other friends went on a golf trip. There was a king-size bed in the master bedroom, a second bedroom with two queen-size beds, and a sofa sleeper. I asked my husband about the sleeping arrangements, and he said one slept on the couch, one in the room with two queen beds, and he and Ernie shared the king-size bed.
When I asked what the other guys thought about the two of them sleeping in the same bed he yelled, "I don't care what they thought!" I said, "And it appears you don't care what your wife thinks either."
My husband has always said, "There isn't another woman. You know I love you." He has always denied being bi. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. Please tell me what you think. -- FINALLY FED UP IN DELAWARE
DEAR FED UP: For two men to share a bed when there is another option is, in my opinion, questionable. Never having met your husband, I hesitate to state whether he is or isn't cheating on you with Ernie. Being bisexual does not make a person an adulterer. If he were to confirm your suspicion that he is bisexual, would it change your longtime marriage? THAT, my friend, is the $64,000 question.
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10. Dear Annie: My wife's family ignores me and does not speak to me at any family events.
Her sister was visiting us in early 2024. We were driving to a synagogue event in my wife's honor. In the car, her sister told me that I was not allowed to say anything to her. I replied that it was my car and I can speak to whom I choose. She cursed me out as her reply.
There came the time to bring her to the airport. I did such. She had a heavy suitcase to take out of the car, and due to her multiple sclerosis, she struggles to lift heavy objects. I refused to do anything, and she was forced to pick up the heavy suitcase from the trunk.
My spouse was upset with me because I refused to help her sister. My response was that since she despises me, why should I do anything for her? I did get a lot of flak for not helping her sister with the luggage. Again, I responded by stating that I was not going to assist because of her vile disrespect and hatred for me.
With the exception of one niece, my spouse's siblings and children do not talk to me at all. I have tried a number of times to extend an olive branch to them, and they do not say anything back to me. I have been totally dissed.
I told my wife that I will not attend her family's events because of the nasty treatment that I receive.
Such a position puts my spouse in an uneasy situation. I understand her feelings, but I feel the hostility of all of them.
What is the best approach or possible solution? -- Sick of Wife's Toxic Family
Dear Sick: The only toxic behavior I'm seeing in your letter is your refusal to help your sister-in-law -- who has multiple sclerosis -- with her bags. Next time you're frustrated with one of your wife's family members, try to respond with kindness rather than hostility, and see what happens.
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11. Dear Eric: My brother's son, “Dan", has chosen to totally delete his dad from his life. He has refused all forms of contact for more than a year. My brother has no idea why Dan has disengaged without explanation.
My brother continues to attempt contact via our usual forms of communication but to no avail. How does a family approach this conundrum? We are baffled and so deeply saddened by this turn of events.
What message is Dan sending to his two sons: my brother's grandsons?
– Dismayed Aunt
Dear Aunt: I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Estrangement is jarring. It runs cracks through the foundation of a family. And for an extended family it can feel hopelessly confusing.
I know that your brother says this came out of nowhere, but I wish that we had more information from him about what exactly that “nowhere” looked like before Dan cut off all contact.
Often, estranged parents are willfully or accidentally blind to the events that precipitated the divide. It’s hard to say what a healthy path forward is without knowing more about Dan and your brother’s relationship.
If Dan will speak to you, you should reach out to him. Don’t try to lobby on your brother’s behalf, simply ask Dan to share his perspective with you. See if he’s open to a relationship with you. Family members don’t have to be judge and jury in disputes like this. Indeed, it’s best if you don’t make a ruling.
There’s something that has hurt Dan so deeply that his only recourse, he feels, is to cut off contact with his father. See if he’s open to an outstretched hand and a listening ear.
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12. Dear Carolyn: I was telling my family what I thought was a funny story about my boyfriend (he was not there): Since we’ve been living together, every time I get sick, he starts complaining about being so much sicker. When I had tonsillitis, he suddenly was so sick, also from tonsillitis. When I had a UTI, he’s suddenly bedridden with a UTI. Every single time I get better, he magically gets better, too, even though I was the only one taking the antibiotics, etc.
When I had covid, he was SO SICK with the same thing, but even “worse.” I was in bed for six days and he went to work the whole week and out drinking, but when he’d get home, he’d insist he was just as sick as I was.
My parents didn’t laugh as I expected. My dad said this means he’s willing to lie to me to get out of taking care of me. When I said he may not be lying, it may just be a form of hypochondria, my mom said that’s worse: This deep-seated need to one-up my illness is somewhat pathological.
Is this as big a red flag as my parents think it is, or just a weird quirk?
— I Thought It Was Funny
I Thought It Was Funny: That’s kind of your call. But from my safe little chair, I imagine being years or maybe decades into a marriage with this person and needing serious care — care like I have watched friends and family need, up close. Or, egad, having a kid with serious issues. And if my life partner responded to this by ignoring the real needs completely so he could take to his bed with an acute case of self-pity, then I might look back on this moment and ask, whyyy didn’t I take this “quirk” seriously?
Think about it: responds to need by “needing” more himself. Wow. Thank your parents for saying the awkward thing, and yourself for daring to listen. Now keep going and ask why you missed it till now.
Readers’ thoughts:
· He said he had covid yet still went to in-person work and socializing? He either lied about having a highly transmissible virus or he deliberately exposed his friends and co-workers to said virus. Don’t let the door hit him on the [butt] on the way out.
· Always the same illness you have? Tonsillitis? Walk away over his lack of imagination.
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13. Dear Eric: My daughter visited my son and daughter-in-law in anticipation of the arrival of their baby daughter. The nursery was decorated with wallpaper that had roses as a motif. My daughter loved the design.
A year later, my daughter gave birth to her daughter, named Rose. She had looked online for many wallpaper designs but returned to the same rose design that my daughter-in-law had, which was a very popular choice and fit my granddaughter’s name.
My daughter-in-law is very hurt. Now she will not speak with my daughter or attend any family occasions if my daughter is present because she feels that my daughter stole her idea. She insists that my daughter remove the rose design wallpaper.
I suggested to my daughter that she change the wallpaper to “keep the peace” as it is only wallpaper. My daughter refuses to do so because she loves the wallpaper, it is not “unique” as many have it, and she does not want to give in to what she considers irrational demands. What would you suggest?
– Thorny Dilemma
Dear Thorny: I suggest that your daughter-in-law go outside, calm down and touch some grass. She cannot have a monopoly on every product. And buying it first doesn’t give her “dibs.” One cannot be a Conquistador of Costco.
Your daughter doesn’t need to remodel a room in her home to appease your daughter-in-law. That peace isn’t worth keeping. The position your daughter-in-law is taking is unreasonable and, perhaps worse, no fun.
During the first few years of the pandemic, a wall of my office was covered by a gorgeous wallpaper with huge floral blooms in the style of a Dutch Masters painting. It was designed by Ellie Cashman and elicited enthusiastic comments every single time I logged on to a Zoom, which was multiple times a day. And multiple times a day I would happily tell people where the wallpaper was from and I’d drop the link in the chat box for good measure.
(I have no stake, financial or otherwise, in Ellie Cashman Design. I’ve just never been happier with a purchase.)
It does no one any good to hoard the things that make you happy. Joy is not a scarce commodity.
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2. LW2, why is the onus on the stepkids to be more mature than you? You could just say sorry and, I don't know, stop being so controlling of their dad.
3. Normally I'd say that people shouldn't snoop in other people's phones, but when you've been going around threatening to dose others with laxatives - which is a lawsuit waiting to happen, by the way - and generally being unpleasant then the responsibility is on you to keep your phone locked. Or better yet, stop saying ugly stuff like this. LW3 should definitely stay away from this woman.
4. I seem to have skipped four. Damn.
5. Why are people so fucking weird about baby names? You cannot hoard a name for future use, and it is perfectly normal for cousins to have children with the same first name, especially if (as is very likely here) they do not have the same last name.
6. Yeah, no, just divorce this gross, gross man.
7. If LW7 is going to follow Abby's advice I'd suggest that she calls them with her updates instead of texting.
However, I'd go the opposite route and advise LW7 to tell all her family that from now on she'll only reply to texts within a set window of time every day, and that she will not indulge their overdramatic "worries" about her welfare.
8. LW8's dad clearly told these people "It's them or me" and they chose him. Probably the wrong choice, but that's their business.
9. I don't know why people are weird about sleeping arrangements. However, the problem here is not whether or not LW's husband is bi, or in love with this dude, or what. The problem is that LW does not trust him. She never has! Don't stay married to somebody if you don't trust them! I don't know if she's right not to trust him or not, but just get a divorce!
10. Are we really supposed to believe that he was driving along in companiable, or at least cordial silence, then his SIL abruptly broke the silence to say "Don't talk to me"? And if that is what happened, why would he respond to that with escalation instead of just saying "I wasn't talking to you" and rolling his eyes?
LW10 is such a lying liar and I hope his wife wakes up and leaves him.
11. I think I like Eric! I hope LW11 takes this advice.
12. Christ, what an asshole. Why would LW12 even think this was funny? I hope she gets some self-respect. I mean, we make fun of our chihuahua for inserting herself between any two people who are hugging... but that's only funny because she's a chihuahua. It's not funny in humans.
13. Why are people so fucking weird.
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LW, unless you contacted a designer and paid for them to design exclusive wallpaper for you and sign a legally binding document that they would not sell the wallpaper to anyone else on the planet,
and then your sister in law pirated the design,
you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to complain about.
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I once had to show an acquaintance texts about them written by a mutual “friend” (in quotes because she only pretended to be a friend) because a threat was involved. I can confirm that was an awkward time for both me and the acquaintance. But I wouldn’t have felt right about being a silent accomplice to “friend” potentially harming the acquaintance. The acquaintance deserved to know so they could decide how seriously they wanted to take it and if they needed to protect themselves. (In this case, they took it seriously and cut off contact with our “friend”. I did the same, as “friend” had revealed she’s nice in public but cruel in private.)
On the upside, the acquaintance and I ended up becoming friends after that, and were friends for several years until we drifted apart.
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Yet another reason to keep all your dirty business strictly face-to-face.
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Also you can't dibs names OR wallpaper, why do people think you can dibs names. (I have never before seen someone who thought you could dibs wallpaper.) Especially when there is not even a fetus yet. Because of these people my second cousin was terrified about using my grandfather's name as a middle name for her son, because what if it made me, the actual granddaughter, angry for her, the great-niece, to honor him that way. What if I wanted to use it. And one, I adored my grandfather but didn't adore his name, but two, I was not guaranteed a baby ever, as we can see by the fact that I don't have one, so why on earth SHOULDN'T the little dude have Grandpa's name. I thought the number of times I had to repeat, "No, it's fine, sweetie, I think it's lovely of you" and "he's your baby, you get to name him whatever you want, I'm just glad you picked something nice" was slightly unhinged, and then I started seeing how the rest of the world deals with this topic, and I don't blame her a bit for being careful. She didn't want to be writing into an advice column saying, "my cousin SAID she was fine with this name but now she's cut me off and the rest of the family isn't speaking to me either, all because I wanted to honor my beloved great-uncle."
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12. Speaking as someone who dealt with a partner who made up illnesses to get sympathy, to get out of doing things, and to upstage other people's problems: RUN. RUN LIKE THE WIND. This is not funny or cute, and it's only going to escalate. LW12 is very lucky that their parents were willing to call this behavior out for what it is, and didn't just sit there uncomfortably thinking it.
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Which is at least more relateable than the people who don't know it makes them look terrible and then go ahead and say it.
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LW #8 -- I so wish I could take you out for a drink. We're even in the same state! One of the hardest things to deal with I've ever faced is knowing that someone has told people false terrible information about you that you cannot correct. All you can do is hold to your own honor and know that what they said about you is not true no matter how many people believe it.
LW #11 DO NOT VOLUNTEER TO BE A FLYING MONKEY
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LW2: Missing reeeeeaaaaaasons.
LW5: Please don't write to Harriette, shes just trying to take That Bad Advice's job away. Also, this particular genre of letter ("someone else in my family stole a name I wanted!") always makes me feel like an xenoanthroplogist seeing an alien culture for the first time.
LW6: Um, this is absolutely something medical, unless he is the weirdest libertarian in a world of very weird libertarians. (Given the park.)
LW7: Abby's advice is not even remotely likely to work.
LW8: 🧡
LW9: Abby, the question isn't whether he's bi, it's whether he's cheating (and how LW9 has never, in 40 years, trusted him to be faithful). Also, this is the plot of Grace & Frankie.
LW10: Into the sun with ye.
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It could be something psychological, I guess? But, at a certain point, if he's not interested in fixing that problem then nobody else has to put up with him.
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Yeah, I was including "psychiatric" under medical, but I suppose that's a very big umbrella to include a lot of things. If he's got, like, indoor-toilet trauma, then he could work with LW and a therapist to get some kind of accommodated camping-style commode setup.
(I tend to feel that being the sort of libertarian who might disapprove of public urination laws is arguably, a psychological condition, but I admit that's just Cope on my part.)
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This man needs to see at least two kinds of doctors. Is he choosing to pee outside when it would be just as quick to get to a bathroom? Or is he unable to hold it even long enough to get upstairs?
That said, even if there's a physical issue at play, the fact that he won't stop or apparently seek help after being arrested for something that can get you put on the sex offender registry in some places says there's a psych issue at play as well, whether it's dementia or some kind of exhibitionism. LW needs to insist on some kind of evaluation, and be prepared to put real consequences behind it.
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I am *so tired* of the assumption that people aren't full adults unless partnered and/or parents.
I deal with this in some family situations, but at least I wasn't the one *paying*!!!
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{Generally speaking) A woman gets assumed to not own her life and to be treated as a resource, while a man gets assumed to be incompetent and in need of infant level care. Ugh.
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Mostly, this had to do with me being unpartnered and childless for so long that they just assumed I would never have other demands on my time, but let me tell you: my baby brother, the single, childless Marine sure as heck didn't get put to work ironing curtains.
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Oh FFS I am so sorry you've had to deal with that from anyone you're related to. It is a truly pernicious and stinky concept.
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That's the thing, they Don't think of it that way and they'd be shocked! if you pointed it out to them. Because it's more convenient to not think of the position they keep putting you in. I completely utterly do not blame you for building up resentment of this.
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...I mean, there were other reasons I stopped going too, but fifteen years later I still boggle over that. Ma'am, I get the air mattress because it's my air mattress. I applaud LW for taking their toys and going home.
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Your being prepared shouldn't be co-opted by someone who didn't.
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