(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: My partner and I are expecting our first child in a few months. We are on the same page about most of the big aspects of child rearing but have a couple of minor disagreements. One that’s not so minor is about what the child will call us.

My partner calls his parents by their first names, which was a decision made decades ago in the spirit of egalitarianism. I call my parents Mom and Dad. I understand the philosophy that went into my in-laws’ choice, but I don’t especially agree with it and don’t really want to continue that custom. This seems like an area where it won’t work for each of us to do it our own way, i.e., calling us “Mom and Ben” (seems more confusing than anything else). So what do we do?

— "Mom and Ben”

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My brother’s new partner uses the pronouns they/them. I don’t care but my mom… geez. It’s a real sticking point with her. I wanted to understand why it bothered her so much—I mean, what’s it to her? (She’s never been a hater, and she’s usually interested in/curious about new ideas.) So I tried to talk to her about it. She was vehement in her response. She said she felt horribly uncomfortable saying “they/them” to refer to one person and that it made her feel like everything she’d been taught her whole life was wrong. She also complained about “young people” being “so needy” now and wanted to know why their self-worth is determined by what pronoun she uses. She said she knew now how her parents felt when they were so puzzled by her and her friends. She ended her tirade with, “But we never expected old people to change. How is it fair that now it seems like we’re supposed to?”

I’m starting to wonder whether resistance to change is maybe a normal part of aging. My mother definitely used to be more outgoing and open. I’d like to know how you might explain the importance of pronouns to an older generation (my mom is 63) in a way that doesn’t cause them to respond, “Can you believe young people today?!”

—Not OK, Boomer

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Two letters about troubled young people

[conuly]

1. My partner and her son moved in with me at the start of the pandemic three years ago. She was getting priced out of her place, and was desperate to stay in the local school district since her son has special needs. I have a fairly large two-bedroom condo. I’ll admit the three of us went a little stir-crazy during the pandemic since I work from home, but it worked out. I’m crazy about her son.

I’m not so crazy about her daughter, “Sally.” Sally is 20, and she only cares about herself. She moved out to live with her permissive father as a teen and continues to break her mother’s heart to this day. She only calls when she wants money and thinks her parents exist to fund her lifestyle. She refuses to get even a part-time job. Last year, she threw a screaming tantrum because her mother couldn’t afford the increase in rent at the new place she wanted to get with her boyfriend (my partner pays her rent). She called my partner horrible things and said worse about her half-brother. Sally has also failed to attend a single lecture at school, so her father has stopped paying for anything. Her roommates are refusing to renew the lease with her in May.

Of course, Sally comes crying to mommy about her money woes. My partner makes good money, but even with me paying the majority of the bills, she can’t afford to fund another household. Her son needs expensive therapy. So, she wants Sally to move in with us. I told her no. We’re still arguing about it. Can you help us break this impasse?

—No Sally

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2. Dear Annie: I have two step-grandchildren, a 16-year-old boy and a 13-year-old girl. My grandson is completely out of control and was recently expelled from high school for truancy and drug use. My granddaughter was recently caught vaping in the school bathroom and was expelled for a short period of time. There are days when she refuses to get up and go to school, and when she does, she often skips her classes.

My stepson-in-law and stepdaughter are at the end of their emotional "rope" on what to do with their kids. I resent the kids coming over to our home because of what they are putting their parents through. Any ideas on how to handle these two troubled teens? -- Heartbroken Grandparents

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