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ceretaAdapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: About 20 years ago, I broke off a really intense friendship. She did a typical 24-year-old thing, but it was a dealbreaker nonetheless. I was hurt and upset. She apologized. I told her how I felt and that I wanted nothing more to do with her ever again. Friend moved away soon after.
I got a message from her a couple of days ago. She said she missed our friendship and felt bad that we “fell out of touch.” It’s clear she has no memory of why we aren’t friends anymore.
I have zero interest in being friends with her now. It’s bad enough Friend was a garbage person back then. But it’s even worse — and proving my point — that she has no recollection of her terrible actions and thinks everything has always been hunky-dory with us. I’d like to tell her as much, but I’m not sure what the point is?
— Are You [bleeping] Kidding Me?
Are You [bleeping] Kidding Me?: You have no obligation to respond, and there doesn’t seem to be much benefit to responding just to restate the point you tried to make two decades ago. So you’re good there, if you want to be.
But given your high levels of passion and certainty, I wonder: Have you put your own view of what happened under any kind of microscope? You were young then, too. Maybe you legitimately misread something: her actions, her intent, her.
Maybe what she did was totally obvious and “garbage” and there’s nothing to examine. But, having had a few eye-opening encounters with my own two-decade-old certainties, and knowing how much better our memories are at storytelling than at data, I am a big fan of going through the old files sometimes in search of humbling insight. For all you know, she’s in touch because she did the same.
Re: Former Friend: She’s a garbage person? There’s no possibility she’s had a bunch of growth in 20 years? That she does remember what happened, but doesn’t want to open with that? That she’s not out of line at all and you can easily say, “We had some great times and I miss some of those days, but I don’t think it’s possible to recapture them. Hope you’re doing well,” without feeling all this agita that she [gasp] dared to try to speak to you again?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Good stuff here, thank you.
Dear Carolyn: It was an affair. There are two kinds of people: those who can see it all in the bigger picture, and those who can only see this one specific thing in black and white. It’s one of those things where the two kinds of people can never really understand the other. Move along. #TeamNeverForgiveNeverForget.
— Kidding Me again ETA This is not the original LW.
Kidding Me again: Right, two kinds: people who understand life is fluid and complex, and those who don’t. If your way serves you well, then keep it, but don’t presume to stuff anyone else in a box.
Other readers’ thoughts:
· Someone once told me to try to remember everyone at their best, not their worst. Do YOU want to be remembered for your worst behavior or best behavior? Sometimes people commit heinous, unforgivable acts, sure. And sometimes they are just immature 24-year-olds learning like the rest of us.
· I think #TeamNeverForgiveNeverForget is the saddest thing I have read in a long, long time. My father has lived his ever-diminishing life by this motto; I have watched it wind around his heart like a constrictor. Join #TeamLetItGo; the liberation will be, well, liberating!
Dear Carolyn: About 20 years ago, I broke off a really intense friendship. She did a typical 24-year-old thing, but it was a dealbreaker nonetheless. I was hurt and upset. She apologized. I told her how I felt and that I wanted nothing more to do with her ever again. Friend moved away soon after.
I got a message from her a couple of days ago. She said she missed our friendship and felt bad that we “fell out of touch.” It’s clear she has no memory of why we aren’t friends anymore.
I have zero interest in being friends with her now. It’s bad enough Friend was a garbage person back then. But it’s even worse — and proving my point — that she has no recollection of her terrible actions and thinks everything has always been hunky-dory with us. I’d like to tell her as much, but I’m not sure what the point is?
— Are You [bleeping] Kidding Me?
Are You [bleeping] Kidding Me?: You have no obligation to respond, and there doesn’t seem to be much benefit to responding just to restate the point you tried to make two decades ago. So you’re good there, if you want to be.
But given your high levels of passion and certainty, I wonder: Have you put your own view of what happened under any kind of microscope? You were young then, too. Maybe you legitimately misread something: her actions, her intent, her.
Maybe what she did was totally obvious and “garbage” and there’s nothing to examine. But, having had a few eye-opening encounters with my own two-decade-old certainties, and knowing how much better our memories are at storytelling than at data, I am a big fan of going through the old files sometimes in search of humbling insight. For all you know, she’s in touch because she did the same.
Re: Former Friend: She’s a garbage person? There’s no possibility she’s had a bunch of growth in 20 years? That she does remember what happened, but doesn’t want to open with that? That she’s not out of line at all and you can easily say, “We had some great times and I miss some of those days, but I don’t think it’s possible to recapture them. Hope you’re doing well,” without feeling all this agita that she [gasp] dared to try to speak to you again?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Good stuff here, thank you.
Dear Carolyn: It was an affair. There are two kinds of people: those who can see it all in the bigger picture, and those who can only see this one specific thing in black and white. It’s one of those things where the two kinds of people can never really understand the other. Move along. #TeamNeverForgiveNeverForget.
— Kidding Me again ETA This is not the original LW.
Kidding Me again: Right, two kinds: people who understand life is fluid and complex, and those who don’t. If your way serves you well, then keep it, but don’t presume to stuff anyone else in a box.
Other readers’ thoughts:
· Someone once told me to try to remember everyone at their best, not their worst. Do YOU want to be remembered for your worst behavior or best behavior? Sometimes people commit heinous, unforgivable acts, sure. And sometimes they are just immature 24-year-olds learning like the rest of us.
· I think #TeamNeverForgiveNeverForget is the saddest thing I have read in a long, long time. My father has lived his ever-diminishing life by this motto; I have watched it wind around his heart like a constrictor. Join #TeamLetItGo; the liberation will be, well, liberating!