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ceretaHi Carolyn: My sister came out as trans last summer and began going by a beautiful feminine name. Certain members of our family have expressed resistance and “compromised” by agreeing to call her by her gender-neutral middle name, which our parents chose for her at birth. She tolerates it and has told me she thinks it’s good enough.
I exclusively use the name she wants — it’s her name!! — but what should I do when I hear one of these relatives use the middle name? Do I let it slide, because that’s what my sister herself is doing, or correct them and make a stink, every single time?
— Nickname
Nickname: “Who?” Then when they answer: “Oh, you mean [beautiful feminine name]. Her name is [beautiful feminine name].” Say it every single g.d. time.
When I answered this originally, I said to call them by the wrong name — and if they didn’t like it, then say you are willing to compromise, you just need to like what you call them.
But with a cooler head, I realized your sister might not want you to fight her battle for her or to fight it this way — as richly as your relatives deserve it.
I do still, many months later, have no answer for why people are so insistently obtuse about treating someone in a way they’d never stand to be treated.
I exclusively use the name she wants — it’s her name!! — but what should I do when I hear one of these relatives use the middle name? Do I let it slide, because that’s what my sister herself is doing, or correct them and make a stink, every single time?
— Nickname
Nickname: “Who?” Then when they answer: “Oh, you mean [beautiful feminine name]. Her name is [beautiful feminine name].” Say it every single g.d. time.
When I answered this originally, I said to call them by the wrong name — and if they didn’t like it, then say you are willing to compromise, you just need to like what you call them.
But with a cooler head, I realized your sister might not want you to fight her battle for her or to fight it this way — as richly as your relatives deserve it.
I do still, many months later, have no answer for why people are so insistently obtuse about treating someone in a way they’d never stand to be treated.