Two letters from Ask Amy (different days)

[conuly]

1. Dear Amy: Something is bothering me that I just can't shake, and I'd welcome your opinion.

My husband and I have three young grandchildren who live across the country. We are seldom able to visit in person, so we use FaceTime to stay in touch.

Yesterday while chatting with the kids (all younger than 10), I mentioned that “the mailman” delivered their Christmas thank-you notes.

I told the kids how much I appreciated their notes.

Off-camera, I heard my daughter-in-law say: "mailPERSON.”

I was a little hurt and a lot irritated that she would correct me like that.

It's not as if I had used a derogatory term – I would never do that!

My intention was simply to thank the kids for their notes, not to become an example of how ignorant grandparents can be.

Am I overreacting?

– Just Wondering

( Read more... )

******

2.Dear Amy: I have been a journalist and author since my early 20s — now retired and living in a gated community.

After our last book group meeting, I got a call from our coordinator. (She’s a good friend but was unable to attend that meeting).

She said, “Your friends are concerned about you because your behavior was erratic… and one member said you nearly drove her off the road recently.”

My reaction was, “Well, these women are not my friends. I lost my darling husband eight months ago and not once have any of them reached out to me to invite me to lunch or dinner. Furthermore, if they have a problem with me, why didn’t they address me directly? Why are they hiding behind you?”

I’m cutting our coordinator some slack because her husband is gravely ill.

What do you think of my proposed response at the end of our next book meeting? I will say: “Well, ladies, I’m so busy with house guests and other commitments, plus I’m trying to finish writing my book, so I’m going to have to take a break for a while. But I’ll be back. Oh, and by the way, thank you for all the many invitations to join you for lunch or dinner. I was bereft when my husband died, so that meant a lot to me.”

Of course, I don’t plan to return! These are catty women whom I never see, anyway.

I have sons who visit, two good friends here, and several remote friends with whom I have great conversations.

So that’s enough for me.

What are your thoughts?

– Well Read

( Read more... )

(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: Sometimes when my husband tickles our 3-year-old son, our son will laugh, but will also say, “Stop!” I told my husband when our child says to stop, he should stop, and that we need to honor our child’s bodily autonomy.

My husband got all bent out of shape and said to our child that he guesses they can no longer play that game. I told him they could as long as our son was okay with it, and that our son sets the rules regarding his body and when a game can start and stop. My spouse got upset and stormed off.

My father was physically abusive and still is emotionally abusive, and used to tickle my siblings and me so hard that the laughter turned into an inability to make sounds — tickle torture. I hated it and my boundaries were never respected.

I also fear having confusion about bodily autonomy in the home could lead to confusion regarding unwanted touches from others or eventually not respecting someone else’s boundaries.

My husband tends to be more receptive when someone else talks to him. Unfortunately, if a request, suggestion, or statement comes out of my mouth and is directed toward my spouse, no matter how it’s relayed, his insecurities are triggered and I’m the unreasonable one. Defensiveness is exhausting, and my spouse’s extends far beyond this issue. He is now acting as if we shouldn’t brush our son’s teeth because he doesn’t enjoy that, either. Not. The. Point. Advice?

— Not a Laughing Matter

( Read more... )