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Two letters from Ask Amy (different days)
1. Dear Amy: Something is bothering me that I just can't shake, and I'd welcome your opinion.
My husband and I have three young grandchildren who live across the country. We are seldom able to visit in person, so we use FaceTime to stay in touch.
Yesterday while chatting with the kids (all younger than 10), I mentioned that “the mailman” delivered their Christmas thank-you notes.
I told the kids how much I appreciated their notes.
Off-camera, I heard my daughter-in-law say: "mailPERSON.”
I was a little hurt and a lot irritated that she would correct me like that.
It's not as if I had used a derogatory term – I would never do that!
My intention was simply to thank the kids for their notes, not to become an example of how ignorant grandparents can be.
Am I overreacting?
– Just Wondering
Dear Wondering: I have to laugh (a little bit) because for many readers, the headline here will be: Three Children Reported to Have Written Thank You Notes. Story at 11!
So – this mom has done a good thing in teaching your grandchildren to express their appreciation in this way.
And – it seems that maybe she can’t stop teaching, although her correction of mailman to “mailPERSON” prompted another chuckle (from me), because I do believe that the correct and gender-free description of the person doing this job is either “postal worker” or “letter carrier.”
And you can understand why this is: MailPERSON, when spoken, sounds like “Male person,” which sort of defeats the purpose.
I can understand why this failed correction rankled you, but I hope you will shake it off as the actions of an active and engaged mom who perhaps was over-momming (oops, overPARENTING) in the moment.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2632970?fs
******
2.Dear Amy: I have been a journalist and author since my early 20s — now retired and living in a gated community.
After our last book group meeting, I got a call from our coordinator. (She’s a good friend but was unable to attend that meeting).
She said, “Your friends are concerned about you because your behavior was erratic… and one member said you nearly drove her off the road recently.”
My reaction was, “Well, these women are not my friends. I lost my darling husband eight months ago and not once have any of them reached out to me to invite me to lunch or dinner. Furthermore, if they have a problem with me, why didn’t they address me directly? Why are they hiding behind you?”
I’m cutting our coordinator some slack because her husband is gravely ill.
What do you think of my proposed response at the end of our next book meeting? I will say: “Well, ladies, I’m so busy with house guests and other commitments, plus I’m trying to finish writing my book, so I’m going to have to take a break for a while. But I’ll be back. Oh, and by the way, thank you for all the many invitations to join you for lunch or dinner. I was bereft when my husband died, so that meant a lot to me.”
Of course, I don’t plan to return! These are catty women whom I never see, anyway.
I have sons who visit, two good friends here, and several remote friends with whom I have great conversations.
So that’s enough for me.
What are your thoughts?
– Well Read
Dear Well Read: You have been told that your behavior is erratic. You’ve been told that you almost ran someone off the road.
This is extremely hard to hear. Extremely. Your wounded and defensive reaction has created a smoke screen, where you have completely glossed over this potentially important information. What’s going on with you?
You know that you are grieving. You are angry. These people have not extended themselves personally toward you at your most vulnerable stage. No – they are not your friends, but they have expressed concern about you through a third party.
Your proposed response is satisfyingly sarcastic, but not honest.
I hope you can sit with this and release your own anger. If you choose to respond, use honest “I” statements: “I’m hurting. I’m grieving. I’m disappointed and upset. But please – I’m trying to be honest. I need to talk about this.”
You might propose that the group read and discuss Joan Didion’s important meditation on mourning: “The Year of Magical Thinking” (2005, Alfred A. Knopf).
If you are determined to leave the group, you don’t need to give a reason.
But please – do not withdraw from your friendships.
Dear Well Read: You have been told that your behavior is erratic. You’ve been told that you almost ran someone off the road.
This is extremely hard to hear. Extremely. Your wounded and defensive reaction has created a smoke screen, where you have completely glossed over this potentially important information. What’s going on with you?
You know that you are grieving. You are angry. These people have not extended themselves personally toward you at your most vulnerable stage. No – they are not your friends, but they have expressed concern about you through a third party.
Your proposed response is satisfyingly sarcastic, but not honest.
I hope you can sit with this and release your own anger. If you choose to respond, use honest “I” statements: “I’m hurting. I’m grieving. I’m disappointed and upset. But please – I’m trying to be honest. I need to talk about this.”
You might propose that the group read and discuss Joan Didion’s important meditation on mourning: “The Year of Magical Thinking” (2005, Alfred A. Knopf).
If you are determined to leave the group, you don’t need to give a reason.
But please – do not withdraw from your friendships.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2644540?fs
My husband and I have three young grandchildren who live across the country. We are seldom able to visit in person, so we use FaceTime to stay in touch.
Yesterday while chatting with the kids (all younger than 10), I mentioned that “the mailman” delivered their Christmas thank-you notes.
I told the kids how much I appreciated their notes.
Off-camera, I heard my daughter-in-law say: "mailPERSON.”
I was a little hurt and a lot irritated that she would correct me like that.
It's not as if I had used a derogatory term – I would never do that!
My intention was simply to thank the kids for their notes, not to become an example of how ignorant grandparents can be.
Am I overreacting?
– Just Wondering
Dear Wondering: I have to laugh (a little bit) because for many readers, the headline here will be: Three Children Reported to Have Written Thank You Notes. Story at 11!
So – this mom has done a good thing in teaching your grandchildren to express their appreciation in this way.
And – it seems that maybe she can’t stop teaching, although her correction of mailman to “mailPERSON” prompted another chuckle (from me), because I do believe that the correct and gender-free description of the person doing this job is either “postal worker” or “letter carrier.”
And you can understand why this is: MailPERSON, when spoken, sounds like “Male person,” which sort of defeats the purpose.
I can understand why this failed correction rankled you, but I hope you will shake it off as the actions of an active and engaged mom who perhaps was over-momming (oops, overPARENTING) in the moment.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2632970?fs
2.Dear Amy: I have been a journalist and author since my early 20s — now retired and living in a gated community.
After our last book group meeting, I got a call from our coordinator. (She’s a good friend but was unable to attend that meeting).
She said, “Your friends are concerned about you because your behavior was erratic… and one member said you nearly drove her off the road recently.”
My reaction was, “Well, these women are not my friends. I lost my darling husband eight months ago and not once have any of them reached out to me to invite me to lunch or dinner. Furthermore, if they have a problem with me, why didn’t they address me directly? Why are they hiding behind you?”
I’m cutting our coordinator some slack because her husband is gravely ill.
What do you think of my proposed response at the end of our next book meeting? I will say: “Well, ladies, I’m so busy with house guests and other commitments, plus I’m trying to finish writing my book, so I’m going to have to take a break for a while. But I’ll be back. Oh, and by the way, thank you for all the many invitations to join you for lunch or dinner. I was bereft when my husband died, so that meant a lot to me.”
Of course, I don’t plan to return! These are catty women whom I never see, anyway.
I have sons who visit, two good friends here, and several remote friends with whom I have great conversations.
So that’s enough for me.
What are your thoughts?
– Well Read
Dear Well Read: You have been told that your behavior is erratic. You’ve been told that you almost ran someone off the road.
This is extremely hard to hear. Extremely. Your wounded and defensive reaction has created a smoke screen, where you have completely glossed over this potentially important information. What’s going on with you?
You know that you are grieving. You are angry. These people have not extended themselves personally toward you at your most vulnerable stage. No – they are not your friends, but they have expressed concern about you through a third party.
Your proposed response is satisfyingly sarcastic, but not honest.
I hope you can sit with this and release your own anger. If you choose to respond, use honest “I” statements: “I’m hurting. I’m grieving. I’m disappointed and upset. But please – I’m trying to be honest. I need to talk about this.”
You might propose that the group read and discuss Joan Didion’s important meditation on mourning: “The Year of Magical Thinking” (2005, Alfred A. Knopf).
If you are determined to leave the group, you don’t need to give a reason.
But please – do not withdraw from your friendships.
Dear Well Read: You have been told that your behavior is erratic. You’ve been told that you almost ran someone off the road.
This is extremely hard to hear. Extremely. Your wounded and defensive reaction has created a smoke screen, where you have completely glossed over this potentially important information. What’s going on with you?
You know that you are grieving. You are angry. These people have not extended themselves personally toward you at your most vulnerable stage. No – they are not your friends, but they have expressed concern about you through a third party.
Your proposed response is satisfyingly sarcastic, but not honest.
I hope you can sit with this and release your own anger. If you choose to respond, use honest “I” statements: “I’m hurting. I’m grieving. I’m disappointed and upset. But please – I’m trying to be honest. I need to talk about this.”
You might propose that the group read and discuss Joan Didion’s important meditation on mourning: “The Year of Magical Thinking” (2005, Alfred A. Knopf).
If you are determined to leave the group, you don’t need to give a reason.
But please – do not withdraw from your friendships.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2644540?fs
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Just let it go.
LW2: These woman spoke to this intermediary precisely because they know they're not really close friends with LW2
Should they have spoken to her directly? Yeah, probably - but given her incredibly defensive response to somebody she does consider a good friend, a woman whose husband is seriously ill, I'm not surprised they didn't want to!
And now she's stewing and planning her epic flounce. Good luck with that, honey.
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LW2 should maybe try to discuss the issue of cognitive decline with all the people who really do care, if she doesn't want to speak to the book group, but tbh her reaction doesn't give much hope for honest and profitable communication in an by quarter.
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2. Literally or figuratively driving off the road?
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Let's start with how unlikely it is that there was a coordinated (npi) effort to approach LW if the only instance of erratic behavior was some careless (or more likely at least readable as deliberately harmful*) driving, and then move on to how everything about the letter confirms that.
(*Like, seriously, how does a "writer and journalist" not know that responding to, "X says you almost ran her off the road" with, "well, X has been mean to me" is going to at least potentially read as, "so in a moment of fury, I tried to kill her"?)
The problem with letters like this is that any response that might really help the LW is likely to be ignored unless couched in so much sympathy and validation that it's impossible to tell if the columnist is just trying to do some good, or if they really can't see that LW needs way more than a Joan Didion book.
In the meantime, I suspect that, unless LW goes all Lifetime movie on her gated community, the other people in the club are going to respond to her dramatic exit with, "Oh, thank God."
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