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lemonsharksDear Amy: I recently became engaged. My fiancé is originally from another country, and his family still lives there.
Because of COVID-19 restrictions and the visa process, most of his relatives are unable to travel to the U.S. for a wedding, so we decided to host (and pay for) a small U.S. ceremony and then have a big wedding in his home country (where costs are much lower).
My parents have stated that they will not travel, even though they take trips elsewhere. We are deeply hurt and disappointed by this. My fiancé is especially hurt, because this may be their only opportunity to meet his family.
Initially, we wanted to include our families in the planning, but my parents have argued every step of the way.
I called my mother to invite her to look at a venue; it ended with her insulting me and then hanging up on me. My fiancé and I looked at the venue, loved it, and booked it on the spot. My mother was then devastated that she was not included.
We also told my parents that we would not be able to include some of their friends on our guest list, but that they were welcome to invite these friends if they covered the cost. (I have not seen most of these people in several years, and none have met my fiancé.) Both of my parents called me several times during my workday and sent me multiple harsh emails.
My parents have complained about the situation to other family members, who have told us that we are wrong for “ruining their day.”
We’re at the point where we are considering canceling our wedding in the U.S.
Are we wrong? Aside from continuing to enforce boundaries, how do we handle “Momzilla”?
– Bride-to-Be in CT
Dear Bride-to-Be: You are trying to set and enforce boundaries, but so far, you seem to be closing the gate after your folks have already scaled the wall.
You are paying for this entire affair. You and your fiancé are the hosts. Your folks should be treated as honored guests: invited, given appropriate seating and roles during the ceremony and reception, but no control over your plans, because they are demonstrating that they can’t handle being included.
You should not welcome them to invite people to your wedding and reception whom you have no desire to see.
I think you should take a deep breath and make a real choice about what you want to do next – not reacting out of this moment’s anger, but with a wider view concerning what you are doing, and why, and how you want to look back on all of it.
You might consider switching the order of these ceremonies – if possible, having your foreign nuptials first, followed by another blessing and small reception at a later date in the States.
Because of COVID-19 restrictions and the visa process, most of his relatives are unable to travel to the U.S. for a wedding, so we decided to host (and pay for) a small U.S. ceremony and then have a big wedding in his home country (where costs are much lower).
My parents have stated that they will not travel, even though they take trips elsewhere. We are deeply hurt and disappointed by this. My fiancé is especially hurt, because this may be their only opportunity to meet his family.
Initially, we wanted to include our families in the planning, but my parents have argued every step of the way.
I called my mother to invite her to look at a venue; it ended with her insulting me and then hanging up on me. My fiancé and I looked at the venue, loved it, and booked it on the spot. My mother was then devastated that she was not included.
We also told my parents that we would not be able to include some of their friends on our guest list, but that they were welcome to invite these friends if they covered the cost. (I have not seen most of these people in several years, and none have met my fiancé.) Both of my parents called me several times during my workday and sent me multiple harsh emails.
My parents have complained about the situation to other family members, who have told us that we are wrong for “ruining their day.”
We’re at the point where we are considering canceling our wedding in the U.S.
Are we wrong? Aside from continuing to enforce boundaries, how do we handle “Momzilla”?
– Bride-to-Be in CT
Dear Bride-to-Be: You are trying to set and enforce boundaries, but so far, you seem to be closing the gate after your folks have already scaled the wall.
You are paying for this entire affair. You and your fiancé are the hosts. Your folks should be treated as honored guests: invited, given appropriate seating and roles during the ceremony and reception, but no control over your plans, because they are demonstrating that they can’t handle being included.
You should not welcome them to invite people to your wedding and reception whom you have no desire to see.
I think you should take a deep breath and make a real choice about what you want to do next – not reacting out of this moment’s anger, but with a wider view concerning what you are doing, and why, and how you want to look back on all of it.
You might consider switching the order of these ceremonies – if possible, having your foreign nuptials first, followed by another blessing and small reception at a later date in the States.