Carolyn Hax: Father of the bride barks ultimatums from the doghouse

[conuly]

Hi, Carolyn: After a long marriage, the last dozen years of which lacked any true partnership, my ex-wife and I divorced two years ago. Although we had lived apart for years, the divorce was surprisingly acrimonious. I'm not sure what my ex-wife told everyone, but my adult children wouldn't talk to me for months, my brothers have never invited me for holidays — but invited my ex-wife and her boyfriend — and friends of 40 years have completely cut off contact without telling me why or hearing "my side."

I've reestablished relationships with my adult children, but they still treat me as if I'm to blame for the divorce and spend significantly more time with their mother than with me.

My daughter will marry next summer. I'm happy for her. While my daughter would like me to walk her down the aisle, I have not been included in any of the planning. I asked what their expectations were for financing the wedding, and my daughter said it would be nice if I contributed.

I also asked about the guest list, and mentioned that I would find it very hurtful and awkward if three couples — former longtime friends of mine who have treated me exceptionally poorly — are invited and attend. I asked her not to invite them.

I have learned that she has invited them. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation? I don't think I can pay for this, go, and grin and bear it.

— Anonymous

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Ask a Manager: I couldn’t use sick time after my boyfriend had a stroke because we’re not married

[minoanmiss]

I have a pre-COVID question about something that is still bothering me after more than a year. I am a single person and I do not have immediate plans to marry or start a domestic partnership. Last October, my then-boyfriend of a year had a stroke at only 30 years old. I received the call from the ER on my way to the office and let my supervisor know that I needed to go to the hospital and that I would be late to work. I’m employed at a large research university which is a perennial “Best Places to Work” list winner and espouses values about supporting employees, mental health, etc. I have hundreds of sick time hours and extremely little vacation time.


After my boyfriend stabilized, I went to my office to collect my computer and some work I needed and spoke with my supervisor about my boyfriend’s condition and that I needed to be in the hospital because he didn’t have any family in the area and I was his emergency contact. I was gobsmacked when I was told I could not use my sick time to be in the hospital with him. Our HR portal allows employees to use sick time for 22 types of relationships (children, stepchildren, in-laws, grandparents-in-law, etc.) and my manager said that my boyfriend did not qualify for any of them because he wasn’t my spouse and we did not live together. I pretty much had a breakdown in her office because I was under so much pressure and stress. It felt, and still feels, like my organization (and my manager) let me down, treated me as “less than,” and failed to live up to the values the organization uses as a recruiting tool. Effectively, it communicated to me that my relationships do not matter and afterwards, out of bitterness and anger, I actively disengaged in any work that was not directly assigned to me and withdrew from volunteer projects. I’m really happy to now be leaving the organization, but I can’t help but feel like I may have missed an important memo — are single people supposed to just constantly lie to their managers in order to have the same privileges and compassion as married people?

No, your organization just sucks. I’m sorry.

A decent manager would have said, “We don’t have a formal category for this but obviously he is like family to you and you should take the time you need. I’ll handle it with HR.”

It’s true that society as a whole — not just employers — treats marriages and domestic partnerships differently than it does people in relationships living separately. It’s a weird thing. If you and your boyfriend shared a house, I suspect you might have gotten a different response even without being married. People see not cohabitating as indicating something about the seriousness of the relationship … which is problematic, because you can have a serious and long-term relationship living apart and you can have a marriage that’s little more than hostile roommates. Part of that is about the legal ties of marriage, of course, but you usually see cohabiting unmarried relationships get taken more seriously than non-cohabiting ones.

Anyway, it’s understandable that employers need to put some limits on benefits usage, but they need to be flexible when a situation comes up that’s still within the spirit of their policy, if not the letter.

Dear Prudence: My roommate wants to move into my bedroom with me

[movingfinger]

Q. Can’t move in: I share a house with three roommates: “Andy,” “Kia,” and “Lynn.”( (And then it gets complicated.) )