Family estrangement continues to the end

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My grandmother recently went into hospice care. She has suffered from dementia for the last five years, and in that time my mother has been her sole caretaker.

That (and money issues) has caused my mom and her brother to cut ties.

Only my immediate family knows that my grandmother is dying.

Should I reach out to my uncle and others in the extended family (mainly my grandmother’s in-laws) to let them know what’s going on?

My mom argues that they weren’t there for my grandmother during her decline into dementia, so why should they be called at the end?

My partner says to keep my nose out of it because it could lead to more drama if I reach out. However, I can’t imagine reading about your mother, grandmother, or sister-in-law’s death through an obit. What are your thoughts?

— Lost

( Amy, just stop talking )

Ask a Manager: My manager calls me a 'diversity hire'

[minoanmiss]

My manager refers to me as a diversity hire.

’m a new, junior hire for a small team that is predominantly white and male. I just got an email from my boss asking a member of the team to add my name and picture to a proposal — that, as far as I’m aware, I am not working on — to add more diversity to the team.

This isn’t the first time he’s referred to me as a diversity hire in some way — although I don’t know how having the most junior member on your team not be white or male really helps that much — but it’s beginning to bother me and to make me feel like other people are underestimating me because it’s implied I was just hired because of my race and gender.

I don’t know how or what to say about it! I’ve been hearing this my whole life. I’ve only gotten that scholarship because I was “diverse,” I’ve only gotten that internship because I was “diverse” … I feel like I’ve begun to internalize it and would love any advice.

I’m sorry, this is really crappy.

How to proceed depends a lot on the environment you’re in and your own sense of what options are safe for you to use. But ideally you’d ask your boss directly, “Is that a project I’d be working on?” … and if the answer is no, then say, “I’d of course be happy to add my info to any proposal I’d be working on, but otherwise wouldn’t feel comfortable being listed.”

And — again ideally — you could consider saying to your boss at some point, “When you refer to me as a diversity hire, it sounds like you didn’t hire me based on merit. I’m assuming I’m here because of my qualifications, so can I ask you not to use that term?” If you want, you could add, “I’m concerned it will undermine me with people who hear it.” One would think she would have thought of that on her own, but she apparently hasn’t.

(And while this isn’t the worst of the issues here, let’s note for the record that an individual person is not diverse! A group can be diverse. A person is a person. They are using it as a proxy for “someone who is not what we think of as the default — i.e., not a cis, straight, able-bodied white man,” and that is not what it means.)