Family estrangement continues to the end

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My grandmother recently went into hospice care. She has suffered from dementia for the last five years, and in that time my mother has been her sole caretaker.

That (and money issues) has caused my mom and her brother to cut ties.

Only my immediate family knows that my grandmother is dying.

Should I reach out to my uncle and others in the extended family (mainly my grandmother’s in-laws) to let them know what’s going on?

My mom argues that they weren’t there for my grandmother during her decline into dementia, so why should they be called at the end?

My partner says to keep my nose out of it because it could lead to more drama if I reach out. However, I can’t imagine reading about your mother, grandmother, or sister-in-law’s death through an obit. What are your thoughts?

— Lost

Dear Lost: These extended family members have the wherewithal to contact your mother by phone or email, or – if rebuffed or ignored – show up to her house to find out how your grandmother is doing.

This is not about what these family members “deserve” to know. They seem to have completely backed away.

Your grandmother’s feelings and wishes should be taken into account, however, even if her memory is gone and she is unable to express them. What would she want?

I agree with you regarding contacting family members about your grandmother’s condition, but your mother should be the one to reach out. If she is hesitant, tell her that YOU would feel better if this contact was made, and offer to take this challenge off her hands.

If your mother outright refuses, respect her wishes and understand that she is resentful, angry, and grieving.

Over time, people involved in estrangements construct a very hard and protective shell around their feelings. I genuinely believe that this shell is pierced through treating others the way you wish you would be treated. Behaving with generosity, even when others don’t deserve it and the outcome is in doubt will be best for your mother, and that’s why I hope she chooses to reach out.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2417105?fs

Comments

[conuly]

Not considered in Amy's response, apparently: If money was a factor in this estrangement, might Uncle Deadbeat try to get his hands on a larger share of the inheritance now that Mom is near the end?

[jadelennox]

Having seen far too many toxic family dramas come out around elder care, there's not enough here to know which person, if any, has caused the split. I've seen situations like this where Caregiver and Sibling are estranged because Sibling refuses to help out or be there for the parent. I've seen them happen where Caregiver is overbearing and insists on being THE ONLY PERSON WHO UNDERSTANDS MAMA, YOU GET AWAY FROM HER, ROBERT, SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU. I've thankfully not seen, but have read many news articles about, situations where one member of the family or the other -- or everyone -- sued for guardianship, and blocked the others out of decisions. I've seen it where the Caregiver was the one going after the money, and where the Sibling went for the money after death. And, most often, I've seen it where everyone involved has a different emotional breakdown about the Parent's mental state and impending death, and nobody has the wherewithal to have compassion and understanding for the other family members' coping strategies.

If LW doesn't know all the details about what went down, they could be stepping into some toxic shit.

On the other hand, my sister's f-i-l learned about his estranged brother's death six months later through an obit, and so I have a lot of sympathy for the desire to just tell everyone, let them pretend closure can be obtained, seriously.

[minoanmiss]

I agree with you regarding contacting family members about your grandmother’s condition, but your mother should be the one to reach out. If she is hesitant, tell her that YOU would feel better if this contact was made, and offer to take this challenge off her hands.

... so, according to Amy, Mom should reach out but LW is allowed to explicitly volunteer to take the job from Mom? OK, I guess.... I can see how doing things this way would promote communication.

[heavenscalyx]

Nope. Just stay out of it, LW, unless you want to be estranged from your mother. You have no idea of the past dynamics that went into this estrangement, which could involve abuse of many kinds.