Ask Amy: Wife is jealous of husband’s ‘other mother’

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for four years.

He was previously married for 10 years (no children).

My husband continues a friendship with his former mother-in-law. He doesn’t hide it, but the minute he mentions talking to her, I just want to explode.

He assures me he doesn’t have any communication with his ex-wife, but he cherishes the relationship he has with her mother because she was very good to him when he was married to her daughter.

My husband doesn’t have any family here — only mine — but he doesn’t try to have a close relationship with MY mother. He is good to my mom and we go to see her every weekend, but he doesn’t call her to check up on her. Why does he try to keep the relationship with his mother-in-law alive when he doesn’t try with my mother?

I believe that once a relationship ends, we should distance ourselves from our past. I mean, if we run into her somewhere it’s OK to say hi, but I can’t handle him calling her to check in.

I can’t make my husband do what I say, but this bothers me! I check his phone like a spy, to see if he has called her. I wouldn’t like him to do that to me.

I am 41 years old. I want to be very mature about this. — Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: Your husband sees your mother every weekend. He cares about her and is good to her. Why should he call her to check in? He sees her every few days!

Without any family here, his former mother-in-law seems to be a mother figure to him.

You two have been together for four years. Presumably, this friendship was active and ongoing the whole time. No, marriage does not mean that spouses bury their pasts, drop their friendships, and cling only to their partners. Did you cut ties with people you care about when you got married?

You want to be very mature about this, so grow up. Accept this relationship, share in it if you are able, and stop policing your husband and spying on his phone. The spying itself triggers your jealousy. When you stop spying, you will be less stressed.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2397891?fs

Comments

[cimorene]

Wow. It's too bad therapy is so expensive, because unfortunately "just get therapy" isn't really an option for all the US people writing to advice columns... but she really needs therapy.

[rmc28]

If I saw my own mother every week I wouldn't ring to check up on her (as it is we call once a week). How is going to see her every week "not trying"?

There is a bundle of stuff here about unspoken expectations of what the relationship between LW's husband and mother should look like, and fear of it "not measuring up" to the one LW's husband has with his former mother-in-law.

[delight]

I see my own mother every week, and I check in on her once a day now because she has cancer but without that I can't see how either of us would find it necessary!

[starfleetbrat]

Honestly, he sounds like a nice guy to be calling the ex-MIL and checking in to make sure she is ok.

[lemonsharks]

Man, if the LW's husband had written the letter I'd be telling him to run away from this gigantic red flag.

[ex_flameandsong751]

Same. LW wants to take away the only real family he's got, that's not OK!

[minoanmiss]

So not ok! I can't even fathom claiming to love someone and wanting to strip them of their family. WTF!!

[ex_flameandsong751]

I believe that once a relationship ends, we should distance ourselves from our past.

Nope, sorry, LW, doesn't work like that. Feelings don't work on an on/off switch. Interpersonal relationships are complex, and the history surrounding them.

Also it really bothers me that LW's husband has no family and LW basically wants to take away the only family he's got. Big red flag here.

[xenacryst]

Also, it sounds like the relationship with his MIL did not end. Just because relationship A ends doesn't mean relationship B ends. One is, in fact, allowed to have a different, separate, and valid relationship with one's in-laws than with one's partner.

[ex_flameandsong751]

Exactly. There's nothing wrong with that.

[minoanmiss]

Does jealousy ever actually do anyone any good?

[mommy]

It seems like the husband found a great friend in his former MIL. Good for him! It can be hard to make friends as an adult, and the fact that they continued to be close even after the divorce says a great deal about the quality of their relationship.

As for the LW, well. Perhaps they should reread their ending sentence before spying on their husband again.

[watersword]

LW, maybe aim for "mature enough not to explode over the knowledge that my partner has relationships with people he knew before our marriage" before "very" mature, because right now, you're not making it.

[shirou]

I get Amy confused with Abby and the countless other syndicated columnists I don't usually read. Is she better than the rest? Her advice here is solid.