![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conulyLink
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a father to three great boys (15, 13, and 6), and through a series of emotionally difficult and chaotic events, I have gained custody of a daughter I previously had almost no contact with (not my choice). When she came into my care at the start of the summer, she was malnourished and had a tendency to hoard items—anything from TP to soap to snacks. It’s been a few weeks of therapy and lots and lots of conversations where I reassure her she will not want for anything, materially or emotionally, but I don’t expect that this issue is going to be resolved quickly or easily.
I have an idea but I am not sure if it is a good one. My older boys receive an allowance (they can earn extra if they want to do chores that are not usually in their jurisdiction), but the allowance is not something I usually grant until age 12. My daughter is turning 11 this winter, but I’m considering giving her the allowance a little early. My reasoning is twofold: One, I want her to feel safe! I want her to have a source of material stability that feels like it is within her control; I’m hoping this will be something that can help. Number two, I want her to get practice managing money before she’s in a situation where a mistake is harder to bounce back from. I talked this over with my wife, and while she understands my intent, she thinks this will potentially upset my sons and make them feel devalued. I don’t want that either! What do you think is the right call here?
—To Pay or Not to Pay
( Read more... )
***************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
“Mary” is my daughter’s stepdaughter. She is 14 and we have known her since she was 6. My family tried very hard to embrace Mary, but she was extremely reluctant and never took to calling us her grandparents. We sent gifts and tried to see Mary, but when she was 11, her father told us to stop pushing so hard and said we were being intrusive. (This came because we called Mary after she won an award and was in the local paper. It went to voicemail and the call was never returned.)
During our recent summer trip, Mary mostly stayed away from us, listening to her podcasts. Then my daughter decided to give me a piece of wonderful news—she is pregnant and expecting a little girl. I was very excited and talked about how happy I was to become a grandmother to my firstborn granddaughter. Apparently, this greatly upset Mary, because when she got home she picked a fight with her stepmother. She said we had “always” hated her and rejected her, and never even tried to make her feel like part of the family. She is back at her mother’s house and refuses to speak to her dad. My son-in-law blames me for this family fracture. I am sorry that Mary took offense, but it comes across to me as a cheap shot. If I had introduced Mary as my granddaughter or called myself her grandmother, she would have been unhappy and I would have been overstepping. I understand no one should be forced into a family relationship, but that runs both ways.
—Grandma
( Read more... )
********************
3. I live about an hour away from my parents. My brother and his wife and baby live four hours from them, but it usually takes longer to get there because of traffic. My parents can no longer comfortably drive themselves long distances. Both have terrible night vision and get very, very anxious on the highway. Well, since the baby was born, they have wanted to visit my brother’s family every weekend. I can’t chauffeur them there every weekend, and they get upset.
When we all visit, our parents get the guest room, and I am left sleeping in the hallway because the dogs are big and take up the whole living room. My brother and his wife expect me to pitch in with cleaning, cooking, and other chores while our parents fuss over the baby. It has been six months, and I am at the end of my rope. My brother recently told me his wife is tired of hosting, so either I have to make a 10-hour trip in a day or we need to get a hotel. I asked if he would be willing to pony up half the cost since our parents have a fixed income and I am putting a lot of wear and tear on my car. He got seriously offended and ranted about how hard it was balancing his new family, saying it’s not like I have anything going on in my life. What should I do?
—Frustrated
( Read more... )
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a father to three great boys (15, 13, and 6), and through a series of emotionally difficult and chaotic events, I have gained custody of a daughter I previously had almost no contact with (not my choice). When she came into my care at the start of the summer, she was malnourished and had a tendency to hoard items—anything from TP to soap to snacks. It’s been a few weeks of therapy and lots and lots of conversations where I reassure her she will not want for anything, materially or emotionally, but I don’t expect that this issue is going to be resolved quickly or easily.
I have an idea but I am not sure if it is a good one. My older boys receive an allowance (they can earn extra if they want to do chores that are not usually in their jurisdiction), but the allowance is not something I usually grant until age 12. My daughter is turning 11 this winter, but I’m considering giving her the allowance a little early. My reasoning is twofold: One, I want her to feel safe! I want her to have a source of material stability that feels like it is within her control; I’m hoping this will be something that can help. Number two, I want her to get practice managing money before she’s in a situation where a mistake is harder to bounce back from. I talked this over with my wife, and while she understands my intent, she thinks this will potentially upset my sons and make them feel devalued. I don’t want that either! What do you think is the right call here?
—To Pay or Not to Pay
( Read more... )
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
“Mary” is my daughter’s stepdaughter. She is 14 and we have known her since she was 6. My family tried very hard to embrace Mary, but she was extremely reluctant and never took to calling us her grandparents. We sent gifts and tried to see Mary, but when she was 11, her father told us to stop pushing so hard and said we were being intrusive. (This came because we called Mary after she won an award and was in the local paper. It went to voicemail and the call was never returned.)
During our recent summer trip, Mary mostly stayed away from us, listening to her podcasts. Then my daughter decided to give me a piece of wonderful news—she is pregnant and expecting a little girl. I was very excited and talked about how happy I was to become a grandmother to my firstborn granddaughter. Apparently, this greatly upset Mary, because when she got home she picked a fight with her stepmother. She said we had “always” hated her and rejected her, and never even tried to make her feel like part of the family. She is back at her mother’s house and refuses to speak to her dad. My son-in-law blames me for this family fracture. I am sorry that Mary took offense, but it comes across to me as a cheap shot. If I had introduced Mary as my granddaughter or called myself her grandmother, she would have been unhappy and I would have been overstepping. I understand no one should be forced into a family relationship, but that runs both ways.
—Grandma
( Read more... )
3. I live about an hour away from my parents. My brother and his wife and baby live four hours from them, but it usually takes longer to get there because of traffic. My parents can no longer comfortably drive themselves long distances. Both have terrible night vision and get very, very anxious on the highway. Well, since the baby was born, they have wanted to visit my brother’s family every weekend. I can’t chauffeur them there every weekend, and they get upset.
When we all visit, our parents get the guest room, and I am left sleeping in the hallway because the dogs are big and take up the whole living room. My brother and his wife expect me to pitch in with cleaning, cooking, and other chores while our parents fuss over the baby. It has been six months, and I am at the end of my rope. My brother recently told me his wife is tired of hosting, so either I have to make a 10-hour trip in a day or we need to get a hotel. I asked if he would be willing to pony up half the cost since our parents have a fixed income and I am putting a lot of wear and tear on my car. He got seriously offended and ranted about how hard it was balancing his new family, saying it’s not like I have anything going on in my life. What should I do?
—Frustrated
( Read more... )