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I can't pick just one letter from this column, I have opinions on all of them!
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1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a father to three great boys (15, 13, and 6), and through a series of emotionally difficult and chaotic events, I have gained custody of a daughter I previously had almost no contact with (not my choice). When she came into my care at the start of the summer, she was malnourished and had a tendency to hoard items—anything from TP to soap to snacks. It’s been a few weeks of therapy and lots and lots of conversations where I reassure her she will not want for anything, materially or emotionally, but I don’t expect that this issue is going to be resolved quickly or easily.
I have an idea but I am not sure if it is a good one. My older boys receive an allowance (they can earn extra if they want to do chores that are not usually in their jurisdiction), but the allowance is not something I usually grant until age 12. My daughter is turning 11 this winter, but I’m considering giving her the allowance a little early. My reasoning is twofold: One, I want her to feel safe! I want her to have a source of material stability that feels like it is within her control; I’m hoping this will be something that can help. Number two, I want her to get practice managing money before she’s in a situation where a mistake is harder to bounce back from. I talked this over with my wife, and while she understands my intent, she thinks this will potentially upset my sons and make them feel devalued. I don’t want that either! What do you think is the right call here?
—To Pay or Not to Pay
Dear To Pay or Not to Pay,
I can’t say whether having some money at her disposal is going to make a big difference to your daughter. But I don’t think you need to force yourself to adhere to some rigid notion of parenting all your kids identically. That almost never happens, even in less fraught circumstances! Our kids are all different—they’re going to have different feelings and fears and needs. Each one should get what is best for them, and sometimes that may or may not be exactly what their siblings got.
As parents, we’re different, too, or at least we should be. We adapt and change—and hopefully get better at the job!—as we get older and learn more about our kids and ourselves. Of course, parenting our kids differently—because of their needs, or just because we have learned more as parents—can lead to real, complicated feelings. Obviously, you want to avoid favoritism, and you should be ready to acknowledge and talk with your sons if they have any feelings about the situation. You should also do whatever you think is best for your daughter right now.
I think your 15-year-old and 13-year-old are probably old enough to understand that their sister has been through a lot. If you feel a need, you can explain to them that you think this could help her feel safe and secure at home with her new family—you don’t need to go into any more detail, just acknowledge what they already know: Her circumstances and theirs are not the same, because they have thus far grown up very differently. If you’re concerned about your 6-year-old’s feelings, you can talk with him, too, now or in the future, in an age-appropriate way. (Maybe he could even get a small allowance now, to avoid being left out?) Doing something one way for a while doesn’t mean you have to do it that way forever.
***************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
“Mary” is my daughter’s stepdaughter. She is 14 and we have known her since she was 6. My family tried very hard to embrace Mary, but she was extremely reluctant and never took to calling us her grandparents. We sent gifts and tried to see Mary, but when she was 11, her father told us to stop pushing so hard and said we were being intrusive. (This came because we called Mary after she won an award and was in the local paper. It went to voicemail and the call was never returned.)
During our recent summer trip, Mary mostly stayed away from us, listening to her podcasts. Then my daughter decided to give me a piece of wonderful news—she is pregnant and expecting a little girl. I was very excited and talked about how happy I was to become a grandmother to my firstborn granddaughter. Apparently, this greatly upset Mary, because when she got home she picked a fight with her stepmother. She said we had “always” hated her and rejected her, and never even tried to make her feel like part of the family. She is back at her mother’s house and refuses to speak to her dad. My son-in-law blames me for this family fracture. I am sorry that Mary took offense, but it comes across to me as a cheap shot. If I had introduced Mary as my granddaughter or called myself her grandmother, she would have been unhappy and I would have been overstepping. I understand no one should be forced into a family relationship, but that runs both ways.
—Grandma
Dear Grandma,
I’m hearing that Mary, who is a teenager, acts like a teenager? That is, she mostly kept to herself and kept her headphones on during your visit, and sometimes she fights with her parents. It’s fine to be annoyed by that—we are all of us, teens included, very annoying at times—but I wouldn’t count it as solid evidence that she dislikes you or doesn’t consider you family.
Mary was only 6 when she gained a stepmother and an extended stepfamily. If she was reluctant to get close to you all—or a bit uncertain of her place in her new family—that’s understandable; she was (and still is) a child navigating a family dynamic that adults sometimes find tricky, so I hope you never held that against her. It’s ok if she has never called you Grandma (maybe she felt she didn’t have the right?). All the same, I can understand why she reacted to your comment about finally having a grandchild, even if she hasn’t always seen herself in that role. You didn’t mean to hurt her, but it seems she was hurt.
Your son-in-law shouldn’t be blaming you for Mary’s reaction; you don’t have to claim fault that isn’t yours. But you can tell him that you’re sincerely sorry Mary was hurt. You can explain that you haven’t pushed in part because he asked you not to, and you wanted to respect what you thought were Mary’s wishes, but you do care about her very much and consider her part of your family.
Mary’s not 6 anymore, or 11. When it comes to various family relationships, she might not feel exactly the way she felt—or want the exact same things she wanted—when she was younger. When everyone has calmed down a bit, I think that’s what you need to try to figure out: What is she feeling about you, about her stepfamily and her place in it? Does she need any reassurance or affirmation from any/all of you?
I’m not saying you’ve done anything wrong in the past. But Mary’s claim that you rejected her seems important to follow up on. You might believe that she was just lashing out, trying to pick a fight, but that accusation could be coming from a place of real pain. If you or anyone else in the family has done anything in the past to make her feel unwanted or unwelcome, even unintentionally, it’s worth trying to address it now.
********************
3. I live about an hour away from my parents. My brother and his wife and baby live four hours from them, but it usually takes longer to get there because of traffic. My parents can no longer comfortably drive themselves long distances. Both have terrible night vision and get very, very anxious on the highway. Well, since the baby was born, they have wanted to visit my brother’s family every weekend. I can’t chauffeur them there every weekend, and they get upset.
When we all visit, our parents get the guest room, and I am left sleeping in the hallway because the dogs are big and take up the whole living room. My brother and his wife expect me to pitch in with cleaning, cooking, and other chores while our parents fuss over the baby. It has been six months, and I am at the end of my rope. My brother recently told me his wife is tired of hosting, so either I have to make a 10-hour trip in a day or we need to get a hotel. I asked if he would be willing to pony up half the cost since our parents have a fixed income and I am putting a lot of wear and tear on my car. He got seriously offended and ranted about how hard it was balancing his new family, saying it’s not like I have anything going on in my life. What should I do?
—Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Good lord, a 10-hour round trip? And they all expect you to keep making that drive whenever they want—never mind sleeping in the hallway or doing chores all weekend or paying for a hotel? Your family is taking advantage of you. It’s time to tell them that you can’t do this anymore.
Decide how often you might be willing to make the drive (I’d suggest two to four times a year, max, but zero is also right there!) and let your parents know that’s it. The rest of the time, they will need to figure out visits on their own. No one who lives 4 to 5 hours away from their grandchild gets to see them every weekend—if that’s really what they want, they need to move to the same town as your brother. In the meantime, send them a link to a bus schedule and wish them the best with it.
—Nicole
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a father to three great boys (15, 13, and 6), and through a series of emotionally difficult and chaotic events, I have gained custody of a daughter I previously had almost no contact with (not my choice). When she came into my care at the start of the summer, she was malnourished and had a tendency to hoard items—anything from TP to soap to snacks. It’s been a few weeks of therapy and lots and lots of conversations where I reassure her she will not want for anything, materially or emotionally, but I don’t expect that this issue is going to be resolved quickly or easily.
I have an idea but I am not sure if it is a good one. My older boys receive an allowance (they can earn extra if they want to do chores that are not usually in their jurisdiction), but the allowance is not something I usually grant until age 12. My daughter is turning 11 this winter, but I’m considering giving her the allowance a little early. My reasoning is twofold: One, I want her to feel safe! I want her to have a source of material stability that feels like it is within her control; I’m hoping this will be something that can help. Number two, I want her to get practice managing money before she’s in a situation where a mistake is harder to bounce back from. I talked this over with my wife, and while she understands my intent, she thinks this will potentially upset my sons and make them feel devalued. I don’t want that either! What do you think is the right call here?
—To Pay or Not to Pay
Dear To Pay or Not to Pay,
I can’t say whether having some money at her disposal is going to make a big difference to your daughter. But I don’t think you need to force yourself to adhere to some rigid notion of parenting all your kids identically. That almost never happens, even in less fraught circumstances! Our kids are all different—they’re going to have different feelings and fears and needs. Each one should get what is best for them, and sometimes that may or may not be exactly what their siblings got.
As parents, we’re different, too, or at least we should be. We adapt and change—and hopefully get better at the job!—as we get older and learn more about our kids and ourselves. Of course, parenting our kids differently—because of their needs, or just because we have learned more as parents—can lead to real, complicated feelings. Obviously, you want to avoid favoritism, and you should be ready to acknowledge and talk with your sons if they have any feelings about the situation. You should also do whatever you think is best for your daughter right now.
I think your 15-year-old and 13-year-old are probably old enough to understand that their sister has been through a lot. If you feel a need, you can explain to them that you think this could help her feel safe and secure at home with her new family—you don’t need to go into any more detail, just acknowledge what they already know: Her circumstances and theirs are not the same, because they have thus far grown up very differently. If you’re concerned about your 6-year-old’s feelings, you can talk with him, too, now or in the future, in an age-appropriate way. (Maybe he could even get a small allowance now, to avoid being left out?) Doing something one way for a while doesn’t mean you have to do it that way forever.
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
“Mary” is my daughter’s stepdaughter. She is 14 and we have known her since she was 6. My family tried very hard to embrace Mary, but she was extremely reluctant and never took to calling us her grandparents. We sent gifts and tried to see Mary, but when she was 11, her father told us to stop pushing so hard and said we were being intrusive. (This came because we called Mary after she won an award and was in the local paper. It went to voicemail and the call was never returned.)
During our recent summer trip, Mary mostly stayed away from us, listening to her podcasts. Then my daughter decided to give me a piece of wonderful news—she is pregnant and expecting a little girl. I was very excited and talked about how happy I was to become a grandmother to my firstborn granddaughter. Apparently, this greatly upset Mary, because when she got home she picked a fight with her stepmother. She said we had “always” hated her and rejected her, and never even tried to make her feel like part of the family. She is back at her mother’s house and refuses to speak to her dad. My son-in-law blames me for this family fracture. I am sorry that Mary took offense, but it comes across to me as a cheap shot. If I had introduced Mary as my granddaughter or called myself her grandmother, she would have been unhappy and I would have been overstepping. I understand no one should be forced into a family relationship, but that runs both ways.
—Grandma
Dear Grandma,
I’m hearing that Mary, who is a teenager, acts like a teenager? That is, she mostly kept to herself and kept her headphones on during your visit, and sometimes she fights with her parents. It’s fine to be annoyed by that—we are all of us, teens included, very annoying at times—but I wouldn’t count it as solid evidence that she dislikes you or doesn’t consider you family.
Mary was only 6 when she gained a stepmother and an extended stepfamily. If she was reluctant to get close to you all—or a bit uncertain of her place in her new family—that’s understandable; she was (and still is) a child navigating a family dynamic that adults sometimes find tricky, so I hope you never held that against her. It’s ok if she has never called you Grandma (maybe she felt she didn’t have the right?). All the same, I can understand why she reacted to your comment about finally having a grandchild, even if she hasn’t always seen herself in that role. You didn’t mean to hurt her, but it seems she was hurt.
Your son-in-law shouldn’t be blaming you for Mary’s reaction; you don’t have to claim fault that isn’t yours. But you can tell him that you’re sincerely sorry Mary was hurt. You can explain that you haven’t pushed in part because he asked you not to, and you wanted to respect what you thought were Mary’s wishes, but you do care about her very much and consider her part of your family.
Mary’s not 6 anymore, or 11. When it comes to various family relationships, she might not feel exactly the way she felt—or want the exact same things she wanted—when she was younger. When everyone has calmed down a bit, I think that’s what you need to try to figure out: What is she feeling about you, about her stepfamily and her place in it? Does she need any reassurance or affirmation from any/all of you?
I’m not saying you’ve done anything wrong in the past. But Mary’s claim that you rejected her seems important to follow up on. You might believe that she was just lashing out, trying to pick a fight, but that accusation could be coming from a place of real pain. If you or anyone else in the family has done anything in the past to make her feel unwanted or unwelcome, even unintentionally, it’s worth trying to address it now.
3. I live about an hour away from my parents. My brother and his wife and baby live four hours from them, but it usually takes longer to get there because of traffic. My parents can no longer comfortably drive themselves long distances. Both have terrible night vision and get very, very anxious on the highway. Well, since the baby was born, they have wanted to visit my brother’s family every weekend. I can’t chauffeur them there every weekend, and they get upset.
When we all visit, our parents get the guest room, and I am left sleeping in the hallway because the dogs are big and take up the whole living room. My brother and his wife expect me to pitch in with cleaning, cooking, and other chores while our parents fuss over the baby. It has been six months, and I am at the end of my rope. My brother recently told me his wife is tired of hosting, so either I have to make a 10-hour trip in a day or we need to get a hotel. I asked if he would be willing to pony up half the cost since our parents have a fixed income and I am putting a lot of wear and tear on my car. He got seriously offended and ranted about how hard it was balancing his new family, saying it’s not like I have anything going on in my life. What should I do?
—Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Good lord, a 10-hour round trip? And they all expect you to keep making that drive whenever they want—never mind sleeping in the hallway or doing chores all weekend or paying for a hotel? Your family is taking advantage of you. It’s time to tell them that you can’t do this anymore.
Decide how often you might be willing to make the drive (I’d suggest two to four times a year, max, but zero is also right there!) and let your parents know that’s it. The rest of the time, they will need to figure out visits on their own. No one who lives 4 to 5 hours away from their grandchild gets to see them every weekend—if that’s really what they want, they need to move to the same town as your brother. In the meantime, send them a link to a bus schedule and wish them the best with it.
—Nicole
no subject
Because, honestly, the daughter is not the only one who should be getting therapy, and if the boys aren't then that's a problem. Adding a new sibling who is in the middle of the pack and also has a lot of issues going on is not the sort of thing most kids can just handle, nor should they be expected to.
With that said, LW is hyperfixated on this allowance for no good reason. Give the daughter her allowance at the age of 11, and then give the youngest son his at the same age. Give the older two some sort of gift to make up for not having gotten that extra year of allowance.
2. What I'm reading here is that LW2 and was very clear that Mary's acceptance in the family was conditional on playing a certain part, one that she was not willing to play. And now they've gone and proven that this was conditional by saying as much.
I wonder if LW offered a real apology, or even a half-assed one that starts "I'm sorry but this is all her fault etc."
3. OMG. LW3, grow a backbone!
no subject
2. I wonder if the earlier problems weren't more with Mary's father than Mary herself. Young child is uncomfortable with new family isn't unheard of, but the message to stop trying came from the father, not Mary herself. Also, what did Mary's mother think about it all?
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2 & 3: Yyyyup. 3 especially needs to draw a hard line in the sand, or that "not like I have anything going on in my life" (which is to say, no spouse or children) is going to become a sticking point over and over. (I'm also going to take a moment to boggle; my in-laws got to see the small fanperson twice a year if that, and my own mother only a little bit more.)
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The previous abrupt cut off smells of missing reasons.
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Absolutely. I can understand feeling bad about Mary's rejection/the dad pushing you away, but she's a kid! You have to get over it enough to be kind to her.
I know my granny never felt quite as close to my older cousin P as she did to me, for basically similar reasons. The reason I know is that my mum told me - and my granny told her. P and my uncle have no idea, because my granny shared her complex feelings and worries around a grandchild who was mostly living with the other parent post-divorce with a daughter she was very close to. She never, ever would have let the others know, especially not a very young P.
I mean, I guess you could say it's secret-keeping or something but there are ways to have these feelings without inflicting them on anyone who'll be hurt by them.
no subject
I can too, and I feel sorry for Mary. I wonder if Mary's previous rejections and dismissals of LW's attempts to connect were all driven by Mary--or by someone else who may not have wanted Mary to grow close to her extended stepfamily.