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Nov. 17th, 2023 07:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conulyDear Care and Feeding,
My cousin’s son came to live with us when he was 2 and we later adopted him. He’s now 10. We also have two biological daughters, a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old, but they are all equally our kids. Our son doesn’t look exactly like us—the rest of us are fair skinned and freckled and he has more of an olive skin tone—and up until now he’s not thought about it much. Sometimes people comment on how much he stands out, but it’s been happening less and less over the years. He’s always known that he’s adopted. We’ve talked about how we love all three of our kids equally, and just because I didn’t give birth to him like I did his sisters doesn’t mean I’m not just as much his mom.
Recently, he’s been saying things that make it sound like he’s trying to prove how similar we all are to each other. He’ll say stuff like “Isn’t it so weird that all five of us have dimples (or have brown hair, or are nearsighted, or any other extremely common physical trait)? I guess that’s just part of being a [last name]!” Or if we’re out in public as a family, he’ll always put heavy emphasis on words like “Mom,” “Dad,” and “sisters,” and insert them unnaturally into sentences. I’ve tried talking to him about why he feels the need to do this, and he just brushes it off. I’ve tried asking in more subtle ways about whether or not anyone is giving him a hard time over our family situation, but what he’s said has made me think that’s not the issue. (Most of his friends have unconventional family situations—he has friends raised by aunts and uncles, or single parents, or same-sex parents, or a wide assortment of blended families; it doesn’t sound like any of them are being mistreated for theirs either.)
In any case, it’s clear that despite his protests, he feels insecure about our family. I’m really not sure what to do here—part of me wants to leave him alone since whatever his issue is, it’s clearly something he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with us. But an even bigger part wants to get to the bottom of this and try to help him feel less insecure. My husband is similarly conflicted, but leaning more toward doing nothing.
—Adoption Insecurity
( Read more... )
My cousin’s son came to live with us when he was 2 and we later adopted him. He’s now 10. We also have two biological daughters, a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old, but they are all equally our kids. Our son doesn’t look exactly like us—the rest of us are fair skinned and freckled and he has more of an olive skin tone—and up until now he’s not thought about it much. Sometimes people comment on how much he stands out, but it’s been happening less and less over the years. He’s always known that he’s adopted. We’ve talked about how we love all three of our kids equally, and just because I didn’t give birth to him like I did his sisters doesn’t mean I’m not just as much his mom.
Recently, he’s been saying things that make it sound like he’s trying to prove how similar we all are to each other. He’ll say stuff like “Isn’t it so weird that all five of us have dimples (or have brown hair, or are nearsighted, or any other extremely common physical trait)? I guess that’s just part of being a [last name]!” Or if we’re out in public as a family, he’ll always put heavy emphasis on words like “Mom,” “Dad,” and “sisters,” and insert them unnaturally into sentences. I’ve tried talking to him about why he feels the need to do this, and he just brushes it off. I’ve tried asking in more subtle ways about whether or not anyone is giving him a hard time over our family situation, but what he’s said has made me think that’s not the issue. (Most of his friends have unconventional family situations—he has friends raised by aunts and uncles, or single parents, or same-sex parents, or a wide assortment of blended families; it doesn’t sound like any of them are being mistreated for theirs either.)
In any case, it’s clear that despite his protests, he feels insecure about our family. I’m really not sure what to do here—part of me wants to leave him alone since whatever his issue is, it’s clearly something he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with us. But an even bigger part wants to get to the bottom of this and try to help him feel less insecure. My husband is similarly conflicted, but leaning more toward doing nothing.
—Adoption Insecurity
( Read more... )