Letters on caregiving and dementia

[conuly]

I don't know, it was a weird theme this past week.

1. DEAR NATALIE: My father-in-law has always been a difficult person to deal with. He is in the early stages of dementia and has become even more challenging to be around. On top of this, he needs a different level of care and we aren’t yet in a position to move into a supportive living space. My sister-in-law (who lives out of state) thinks that he should live with us. My husband agrees, but I am hesitant. He has never liked me and with his dementia, he is often mean to me. I want to be a team player, but I’m not ready to give up my life to take care of him. My husband thinks I am being selfish. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think this is fair to me or to our three children. What do you think?

- Difficult Times

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2. DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother-in-law has dementia, and she recently suffered a massive stroke. She is not doing well. We have hired around-the-clock care for her and are even paying my husband’s sister to lend an extra hand.

As my mother-in-law’s condition worsens, my sister-in-law and the nurse we hired have had to take on more responsibility. Understandably, we had to up the nurse’s pay in order to keep her. My sister-in-law found out about this and is now demanding higher pay as well. I can’t understand why she feels entitled to a raise for taking care of her own dying mother. She is not my mother, but I am paying out of pocket to make sure she is receiving the best end-of-life care that she can get. Are we wrong for refusing to pay her more? -- Selfish Sister-in-Law

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3. Dear Annie: My brother and I are in our early 50s, and our mom has dementia. Our personal lives could not be more different. I have kids and have been married for 25 years. I returned to the workforce full time five years ago after having been a stay-at-home mom. My brother is a newlywed of three years, no kids, and works on big projects for his line of work. He also has had some gaps between projects.

My brother is adamant that our mom not live in a nursing home, so he took her in about three months ago.

Prior to that, we shared caretaking in Mom's home for about nine months, but we knew we couldn't sustain it. We found ourselves leaving our spouses and children. Our work suffered, and we were exhausted. Now my brother has gotten overwhelmed and told me he is tired of doing more than me, which I acknowledge because she lives in his house.

His wife won't come out to greet me when I visit to get my mom every weekend, and my brother will only communicate by text furiously -- if at all. He is physically exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed and seeing a doctor for anxiety and depression. He angrily confronts me (on text) and accuses me of being the cause of his anxiety, and then in front of our mom pretends he hasn't accused me of awful things. He won't meet with me and says he wants a mediator to work out what to do. I have said I will not have her move in because I know I cannot handle it -- emotionally or logistically.

There is bad history between my mom and me, and while I have mostly put it aside to assist, I know I cannot handle her in my home. I did take her in (pre-dementia), and it took a toll on my well-being, and I felt unable to take care of my kids and myself ultimately.

I have to say no to taking on the care of my mom. How do I live without feeling terrible when my brother has called me evil and demands more of me than I have to give? -- Good Mom, Wife, Friend, and Evil Daughter and Sister

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Whole man disposal!

[conuly]

1. My husband is a fair bit older than I am. Before we met, he didn’t expect to get married, so he made a will leaving his house and his entire estate to his sister. The house is now our home, and I am happy to report that things are going swimmingly. We had a baby last year! I never worried about his will before our daughter was born, but now I’m afraid if something happens to my husband, my daughter and I will be left homeless. I’ve raised the subject with him a few times. He agrees that his will should be updated, but it never seems to happen. Obviously, this is a sensitive issue. Any advice?

WIFE

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2. DEAR ABBY: My husband often points out my flaws and shortcomings. For 20 years now, while I try to make changes, I find myself in the same place on most issues. He's increasingly impatient with me, and I get a daily rundown of what I should or could have done better.

I don't want to lose our marriage. He thinks of himself as a "coach." As he sees it, some of my most annoying habits are tied to my now deceased parents, who were displaced persons with no education during the Second World War. I understand his frustrations. I agree with him and want to be the best person I can be, but I'm often mired in sentiment for my parents and act and do as they might have.

I talk with a therapist, which sometimes helps, but I still feel tied to their old ways and can't seem to stand on my own feet as my own person. I'm at a loss about what to do. Thank you for any direction you can offer. -- STILL LOST IN CONNECTICUT

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3. DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for nine years. Over the last three months or so we have been fighting. It started when I bought a cabinet for our bathroom. When he came home, he threw a hissy fit about it. He told me he didn't like it and kept yelling at me "'cause I didn't ask his opinion first." Then he proceeded to tell me if I want to make changes to get my own house. During another fight the other day, he told me if I "need a new address" he would help me move.

I love him, but the things he says really hurt me. I don't feel the same love for him that I did before. I'm so ready to be on my own. I was controlled for 24 years by my ex-husband. I don't want to be controlled anymore. My boyfriend seems to want things his way or no way at all. I definitely could use your advice on this situation. -- CONTROLLED AGAIN IN OHIO

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*****

4. Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I have been arguing about housework (shocker). He and I both have decent jobs that allow us plenty of at-home time. We also have two kids who are old enough to help out around the house. The problem is that I’m the only one doing any cleaning. He will not do laundry, dishes, or anything. Once a week he takes all the garbage out to the curb, and each night after dinner he carries his plate (and only his) to the sink. That’s it.

The kids have been watching him and learning. When I ask them to help, they complain and say “dad doesn’t have to.” My husband’s position is that he works hard, we earn enough money, and he does not want to spend his free time doing housework. Ever. Period. He says that I should hire somebody to do his share of the housework. I think this is a waste. It’s expensive in our area and we have four able-bodied people at home with plenty of leisure time on their hands. Plus, even if we did hire a cleaning service they are not here 24/7 to pick up socks, load the dishes into the dishwasher, or fold a basket of laundry on a Tuesday night. The kicker is that my husband feels that if I want help, it is my job to find and hire somebody, and he has made it clear that I am the one who will be paying them because household expenses are my responsibility (he pays for bills and rent, and I take care of an ever-expanding and ever-costlier list of “everything else”).

I do understand his point, to some extent. Plenty of people hire cleaners so they can enjoy the things they like to do on weekends. But I’m tired of being alone in this for the day-to-day, and I feel like hiring somebody just puts the seal of approval on his attitude. Having the pleasure of paying for it myself just makes it that much more galling. I’m also worried about the example it sets for our kids. Do I hire a cleaner and suck it up, or is this a good hill to die on? Please don’t tell me to sit down and have a discussion with him. We’ve been going around and around about this for 15 years and no, he will not compromise.

—Paying for Peace (And a Cleaner House)

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5. Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband is currently unemployed, but can’t help spending money on video games. I’ve spoken to him multiple times about it and he keeps apologizing, but then two weeks later does it again. How can I teach him that he can’t spend hundreds of dollars when he doesn’t have a job? I’m so frustrated and want to open separate bank accounts but every time I say that he cries and begs me not to. Help!

—Soon to Be Bankrupt

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6. Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m feeling like I have lost all respect for my husband since the pandemic sent him working remotely from home. He is a creative professional and I have discovered that it means he works a total of two hours a day and feels he can meander through the home for the rest of the time.

I have two small children (ages 2 and 5) and I am worried that they see him doing such little work through the day—he often is lounging and sleeping at moments when I am toiling and I never seem to get time to even sit through the day. I’m worried that my children are forming unhealthy ideas of what it means to work (and how gender is involved) and my husband refuses to follow our household routines and is not able to help with the kids functionally. We have had advice from professionals for my husband to make at least 15 minutes a day for each child’s “special time” to help improve his relationship with them, but that doesn’t seem to be something he is willing to accomplish.

—Stay-at-Home Mom Taking Care of Everyone at Home

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Dear Prudence: My Girlfriend Was a HORRIBLE Dogsitter.

[minoanmiss]

Conetent Advisory: abuse of an animal. ( Read more... )

Dear Care & Feedomg: My Ex is Raising My Son To Be a Misogynist

[minoanmiss]

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Prudence,

I’m struggling with what to tell my parents when they pester me about why my husband and I don’t bring our two young kids (3 and 5) to visit them more than once or twice a year. We all used to live in the same metro area, but a few months before our first child was born, my parents moved into a luxury full-service retirement facility almost four hours away. It’s so expensive we’ll be lucky if they leave enough to cremate them. And far from enjoying themselves, they do nothing but complain about the demanding and bigoted old rich folks who populate the place.

They accuse me of loving my in-laws more than them. I wouldn’t say that—but my in-laws did help us buy a lovely house with a separate suite, which they moved into when our first child was an infant, to save us the cost of a nanny. They spend quality time with our kids every day and seem genuinely interested in them as individuals. Their plan is to spend only what they need to and leave most of their money to us. (My husband is their only living child; his sister died tragically young.) This may be partly a cultural difference since I’m white and my husband is Chinese American. But we’ve already mutually decided that this is exactly how we want to behave toward our grown children and grandchildren (assuming, of course, that it doesn’t conflict with their wishes).

In contrast, it feels like my parents have decided to prioritize themselves and not invest in future generations, and that this is a continuation of a lifelong pattern. They had six kids seemingly just because they liked babies, losing interest in each of us as we grew old enough to speak our minds. They didn’t help me or my siblings with college; we had to either go into blue-collar work or wait until our mid-20s when we could qualify for loans independently, thus getting a late start in our careers. They didn’t contribute to our homes, weddings, or emergency expenses. Of all six of us, I’m the only one who even has kids, and only because I married someone better off.

So now them wanting to see my kids all the time feels like wanting to have their cake and eat it. Should I communicate this to them? Or keep my petty bitterness to myself and continue to make excuses about the long drive, even as the kids get older and less exhausting to wrangle?

—Disenchanted Daughter

( Fair warning, I think this advice is infuriating in how widely it misses the point )