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Whole man disposal!
1. My husband is a fair bit older than I am. Before we met, he didn’t expect to get married, so he made a will leaving his house and his entire estate to his sister. The house is now our home, and I am happy to report that things are going swimmingly. We had a baby last year! I never worried about his will before our daughter was born, but now I’m afraid if something happens to my husband, my daughter and I will be left homeless. I’ve raised the subject with him a few times. He agrees that his will should be updated, but it never seems to happen. Obviously, this is a sensitive issue. Any advice?
WIFE
One of the kindest tricks our minds play on us (pretty reliably) is to keep our looming mortality at a polite distance from our daily life. You never hear someone say, for instance: “Why buy these cute boots? We all die in the end.” But wills are precisely about our death. So, for some people, making them is complicated.
I would stop asking your husband to revise his will (for now). He knows he should do it, even as he drags his feet. You can explore his hesitation, but I would take a different tack: Tell your husband you want to make reciprocal wills, in which you leave everything to him, and he leaves everything to you. This may feel less pointed than focusing on only his demise. You need a will, too, and this way, you can make the appointment with the lawyer.
Even better — and I have seen this approach work — you may each stipulate that your daughter is the ultimate beneficiary of your estate and name a guardian for her in the event she is orphaned as a minor. (Cheery stuff, right?) For you legal eagles: I have skipped over the marital election that lets surviving spouses make claims against estates, because having a will and keeping it up-to-date is the best plan.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/girlfriend-puppy-dear-prudence-advice.html
*****
2. DEAR ABBY: My husband often points out my flaws and shortcomings. For 20 years now, while I try to make changes, I find myself in the same place on most issues. He's increasingly impatient with me, and I get a daily rundown of what I should or could have done better.
I don't want to lose our marriage. He thinks of himself as a "coach." As he sees it, some of my most annoying habits are tied to my now deceased parents, who were displaced persons with no education during the Second World War. I understand his frustrations. I agree with him and want to be the best person I can be, but I'm often mired in sentiment for my parents and act and do as they might have.
I talk with a therapist, which sometimes helps, but I still feel tied to their old ways and can't seem to stand on my own feet as my own person. I'm at a loss about what to do. Thank you for any direction you can offer. -- STILL LOST IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR STILL LOST: Start discussing "generational trauma" with your therapist. The psychological and physiological effects of trauma experienced by people (e.g., refugees from WWII and other conflicts and genocides) often impact subsequent generations in that group.
When a couple marry, they are supposed to accept each other the way they are. Over the last two decades your husband hasn't done that. He may mean well by his "coaching," but from where I sit, it appears more like a never-ending stream of criticism. Rather than so readily blame yourself, please discuss this, too, with your therapist.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/09/05
*****
3. DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for nine years. Over the last three months or so we have been fighting. It started when I bought a cabinet for our bathroom. When he came home, he threw a hissy fit about it. He told me he didn't like it and kept yelling at me "'cause I didn't ask his opinion first." Then he proceeded to tell me if I want to make changes to get my own house. During another fight the other day, he told me if I "need a new address" he would help me move.
I love him, but the things he says really hurt me. I don't feel the same love for him that I did before. I'm so ready to be on my own. I was controlled for 24 years by my ex-husband. I don't want to be controlled anymore. My boyfriend seems to want things his way or no way at all. I definitely could use your advice on this situation. -- CONTROLLED AGAIN IN OHIO
DEAR CONTROLLED: In a premarital relationship, there is the concept of "mine" and "yours." When people marry, it changes to "us" and "ours." When your boyfriend of nine years pointed out that you are living in "his" house and you should have consulted him before trying to make changes, his point was valid. In his mind, your relationship hasn't progressed to the next stage.
If you are sincere about being ready to be on your own again, then that is what you should do, because the intensity of this romance appears to be waning on both your parts. However, whatever you decide, do nothing in anger. Talk this out if it's possible. If you do, it may save your relationship. However, if that's not possible, you will be able to move on with fewer regrets.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/09/08
*****
4. Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I have been arguing about housework (shocker). He and I both have decent jobs that allow us plenty of at-home time. We also have two kids who are old enough to help out around the house. The problem is that I’m the only one doing any cleaning. He will not do laundry, dishes, or anything. Once a week he takes all the garbage out to the curb, and each night after dinner he carries his plate (and only his) to the sink. That’s it.
The kids have been watching him and learning. When I ask them to help, they complain and say “dad doesn’t have to.” My husband’s position is that he works hard, we earn enough money, and he does not want to spend his free time doing housework. Ever. Period. He says that I should hire somebody to do his share of the housework. I think this is a waste. It’s expensive in our area and we have four able-bodied people at home with plenty of leisure time on their hands. Plus, even if we did hire a cleaning service they are not here 24/7 to pick up socks, load the dishes into the dishwasher, or fold a basket of laundry on a Tuesday night. The kicker is that my husband feels that if I want help, it is my job to find and hire somebody, and he has made it clear that I am the one who will be paying them because household expenses are my responsibility (he pays for bills and rent, and I take care of an ever-expanding and ever-costlier list of “everything else”).
I do understand his point, to some extent. Plenty of people hire cleaners so they can enjoy the things they like to do on weekends. But I’m tired of being alone in this for the day-to-day, and I feel like hiring somebody just puts the seal of approval on his attitude. Having the pleasure of paying for it myself just makes it that much more galling. I’m also worried about the example it sets for our kids. Do I hire a cleaner and suck it up, or is this a good hill to die on? Please don’t tell me to sit down and have a discussion with him. We’ve been going around and around about this for 15 years and no, he will not compromise.
—Paying for Peace (And a Cleaner House)
Dear Paying for Peace,
If you have the money to do so and your husband hates cleaning, you will both be happier if you get some household help. I would say the same thing if you hated cleaning and your husband didn’t (and in fact have, in this column). However, I think if you’re hiring someone specifically to do his share of the housework, he should pay for it, not you. You’re not more responsible for keeping the house clean than he is. It’s reasonable for him to want to hire someone—if it’s not a financial burden—because he wants to preserve the time he’d otherwise spend cleaning. But he needs to contribute to keeping the house clean somehow.
This is partly because your conflict is not really about the cleaning itself, or you’d just pick a plan that gets it done one way or another and it wouldn’t really matter who was doing the tidying. It’s about your husband refusing to acknowledge that the responsibility for cleaning your home is his, too. It doesn’t mean he has to do it himself, personally, but he needs to contribute or it absolutely puts the burden entirely on you. And if he’s just assuming that you will fix this on your own, then maybe you need to go on a cleaning strike for a bit so he fully understands how much you’re doing. No one will die if the house is dirty for a week.
As for the kids, assign them chores, and when they complain that “dad doesn’t have to,” note that dad pays the rent. Mention that if they would like to get after-school jobs to help pay the rent rather than doing chores, they are welcome to do so. Or they can pay for a house cleaning service! I am convinced, however, that no kid in the history of the world has ever voluntarily put dirty laundry in the clothes hamper, so if your expectation is that seeing dad clean would be enough to make them not behave like kids, I think you need to lower your expectations. If your kids are much older, you might get them to help more out of a sense of duty, but for the most part, getting kids to do things they actively don’t want to do is a matter of giving them rewards and consequences. In their case, I would try not to take their failure to clean personally because it’s not a reflection of how they feel about your or their family obligations.
But seriously, hire a cleaner. (And have your husband pay for it.)
https://slate.com/business/2022/09/husband-household-chores-personal-finance-advice.html
*****
5. Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband is currently unemployed, but can’t help spending money on video games. I’ve spoken to him multiple times about it and he keeps apologizing, but then two weeks later does it again. How can I teach him that he can’t spend hundreds of dollars when he doesn’t have a job? I’m so frustrated and want to open separate bank accounts but every time I say that he cries and begs me not to. Help!
—Soon to Be Bankrupt
Dear Soon to Be Bankrupt,
You should definitely open a separate bank account. You are not required to support your husband’s video game habit and he needs to be aware of what he’s actually spending. But more importantly, you need to make sure he doesn’t keep spending and put you in a dire financial situation.
It also sounds like he may be addicted to video games and/or spending because he’s struggling with something—unemployment, most likely—and may be depressed. The games may allow him to escape reality.
If he were capable of controlling it entirely, I don’t think he’d get so upset at the idea of having separate bank accounts. He’s afraid to get cut off. You need to talk about why this is happening, and he may need therapy to deal with whatever’s precipitating it. It’s OK to be sympathetic to whatever’s going on and supporting him, while also setting boundaries around spending as a precaution.
You don’t say whether you expect or want him to work, but that’s a factor, too. If he’s looking for a job and having trouble finding one, that may be where he needs help as well. Good luck.
https://slate.com/business/2022/07/salary-boyfriend-advice-personal-finance.html
*****
6. Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m feeling like I have lost all respect for my husband since the pandemic sent him working remotely from home. He is a creative professional and I have discovered that it means he works a total of two hours a day and feels he can meander through the home for the rest of the time.
I have two small children (ages 2 and 5) and I am worried that they see him doing such little work through the day—he often is lounging and sleeping at moments when I am toiling and I never seem to get time to even sit through the day. I’m worried that my children are forming unhealthy ideas of what it means to work (and how gender is involved) and my husband refuses to follow our household routines and is not able to help with the kids functionally. We have had advice from professionals for my husband to make at least 15 minutes a day for each child’s “special time” to help improve his relationship with them, but that doesn’t seem to be something he is willing to accomplish.
—Stay-at-Home Mom Taking Care of Everyone at Home
Dear Stay-at-Home Mom,
I think it matters less that your husband doesn’t work that much (as long as you’re financially OK) than that he doesn’t do anything else to help and isn’t making time for the kids. Your kids will have plenty of models for what work looks like as they get older. The gendered division of labor is more of a problem.
You mention that you’re getting advice from professionals; I’m not sure if you mean a marriage counselor, but if not, this is the sort of thing that counseling can help with. Your husband needs to understand that his behavior is affecting your marriage and making you feel like you’re the only adult in the house. That could escalate into feelings of contempt, which are dangerous for any relationship. A counselor can help him understand what the stakes are for you, especially if you’ve been telling him and he’s not listening.
He may be accustomed to doing whatever he wants during the workday because that was what he was doing before the pandemic. I doubt getting him to change his behavior would happen overnight, but it sounds like he doesn’t understand the seriousness of the problem or how it’s affecting your feelings toward him. I think you need to be as direct as possible about how it affects you and tell him you need more participation from him with domestic duties and your children.
https://slate.com/business/2022/07/husband-remote-work-finance-advice.html
WIFE
One of the kindest tricks our minds play on us (pretty reliably) is to keep our looming mortality at a polite distance from our daily life. You never hear someone say, for instance: “Why buy these cute boots? We all die in the end.” But wills are precisely about our death. So, for some people, making them is complicated.
I would stop asking your husband to revise his will (for now). He knows he should do it, even as he drags his feet. You can explore his hesitation, but I would take a different tack: Tell your husband you want to make reciprocal wills, in which you leave everything to him, and he leaves everything to you. This may feel less pointed than focusing on only his demise. You need a will, too, and this way, you can make the appointment with the lawyer.
Even better — and I have seen this approach work — you may each stipulate that your daughter is the ultimate beneficiary of your estate and name a guardian for her in the event she is orphaned as a minor. (Cheery stuff, right?) For you legal eagles: I have skipped over the marital election that lets surviving spouses make claims against estates, because having a will and keeping it up-to-date is the best plan.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/girlfriend-puppy-dear-prudence-advice.html
2. DEAR ABBY: My husband often points out my flaws and shortcomings. For 20 years now, while I try to make changes, I find myself in the same place on most issues. He's increasingly impatient with me, and I get a daily rundown of what I should or could have done better.
I don't want to lose our marriage. He thinks of himself as a "coach." As he sees it, some of my most annoying habits are tied to my now deceased parents, who were displaced persons with no education during the Second World War. I understand his frustrations. I agree with him and want to be the best person I can be, but I'm often mired in sentiment for my parents and act and do as they might have.
I talk with a therapist, which sometimes helps, but I still feel tied to their old ways and can't seem to stand on my own feet as my own person. I'm at a loss about what to do. Thank you for any direction you can offer. -- STILL LOST IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR STILL LOST: Start discussing "generational trauma" with your therapist. The psychological and physiological effects of trauma experienced by people (e.g., refugees from WWII and other conflicts and genocides) often impact subsequent generations in that group.
When a couple marry, they are supposed to accept each other the way they are. Over the last two decades your husband hasn't done that. He may mean well by his "coaching," but from where I sit, it appears more like a never-ending stream of criticism. Rather than so readily blame yourself, please discuss this, too, with your therapist.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/09/05
3. DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for nine years. Over the last three months or so we have been fighting. It started when I bought a cabinet for our bathroom. When he came home, he threw a hissy fit about it. He told me he didn't like it and kept yelling at me "'cause I didn't ask his opinion first." Then he proceeded to tell me if I want to make changes to get my own house. During another fight the other day, he told me if I "need a new address" he would help me move.
I love him, but the things he says really hurt me. I don't feel the same love for him that I did before. I'm so ready to be on my own. I was controlled for 24 years by my ex-husband. I don't want to be controlled anymore. My boyfriend seems to want things his way or no way at all. I definitely could use your advice on this situation. -- CONTROLLED AGAIN IN OHIO
DEAR CONTROLLED: In a premarital relationship, there is the concept of "mine" and "yours." When people marry, it changes to "us" and "ours." When your boyfriend of nine years pointed out that you are living in "his" house and you should have consulted him before trying to make changes, his point was valid. In his mind, your relationship hasn't progressed to the next stage.
If you are sincere about being ready to be on your own again, then that is what you should do, because the intensity of this romance appears to be waning on both your parts. However, whatever you decide, do nothing in anger. Talk this out if it's possible. If you do, it may save your relationship. However, if that's not possible, you will be able to move on with fewer regrets.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/09/08
4. Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I have been arguing about housework (shocker). He and I both have decent jobs that allow us plenty of at-home time. We also have two kids who are old enough to help out around the house. The problem is that I’m the only one doing any cleaning. He will not do laundry, dishes, or anything. Once a week he takes all the garbage out to the curb, and each night after dinner he carries his plate (and only his) to the sink. That’s it.
The kids have been watching him and learning. When I ask them to help, they complain and say “dad doesn’t have to.” My husband’s position is that he works hard, we earn enough money, and he does not want to spend his free time doing housework. Ever. Period. He says that I should hire somebody to do his share of the housework. I think this is a waste. It’s expensive in our area and we have four able-bodied people at home with plenty of leisure time on their hands. Plus, even if we did hire a cleaning service they are not here 24/7 to pick up socks, load the dishes into the dishwasher, or fold a basket of laundry on a Tuesday night. The kicker is that my husband feels that if I want help, it is my job to find and hire somebody, and he has made it clear that I am the one who will be paying them because household expenses are my responsibility (he pays for bills and rent, and I take care of an ever-expanding and ever-costlier list of “everything else”).
I do understand his point, to some extent. Plenty of people hire cleaners so they can enjoy the things they like to do on weekends. But I’m tired of being alone in this for the day-to-day, and I feel like hiring somebody just puts the seal of approval on his attitude. Having the pleasure of paying for it myself just makes it that much more galling. I’m also worried about the example it sets for our kids. Do I hire a cleaner and suck it up, or is this a good hill to die on? Please don’t tell me to sit down and have a discussion with him. We’ve been going around and around about this for 15 years and no, he will not compromise.
—Paying for Peace (And a Cleaner House)
Dear Paying for Peace,
If you have the money to do so and your husband hates cleaning, you will both be happier if you get some household help. I would say the same thing if you hated cleaning and your husband didn’t (and in fact have, in this column). However, I think if you’re hiring someone specifically to do his share of the housework, he should pay for it, not you. You’re not more responsible for keeping the house clean than he is. It’s reasonable for him to want to hire someone—if it’s not a financial burden—because he wants to preserve the time he’d otherwise spend cleaning. But he needs to contribute to keeping the house clean somehow.
This is partly because your conflict is not really about the cleaning itself, or you’d just pick a plan that gets it done one way or another and it wouldn’t really matter who was doing the tidying. It’s about your husband refusing to acknowledge that the responsibility for cleaning your home is his, too. It doesn’t mean he has to do it himself, personally, but he needs to contribute or it absolutely puts the burden entirely on you. And if he’s just assuming that you will fix this on your own, then maybe you need to go on a cleaning strike for a bit so he fully understands how much you’re doing. No one will die if the house is dirty for a week.
As for the kids, assign them chores, and when they complain that “dad doesn’t have to,” note that dad pays the rent. Mention that if they would like to get after-school jobs to help pay the rent rather than doing chores, they are welcome to do so. Or they can pay for a house cleaning service! I am convinced, however, that no kid in the history of the world has ever voluntarily put dirty laundry in the clothes hamper, so if your expectation is that seeing dad clean would be enough to make them not behave like kids, I think you need to lower your expectations. If your kids are much older, you might get them to help more out of a sense of duty, but for the most part, getting kids to do things they actively don’t want to do is a matter of giving them rewards and consequences. In their case, I would try not to take their failure to clean personally because it’s not a reflection of how they feel about your or their family obligations.
But seriously, hire a cleaner. (And have your husband pay for it.)
https://slate.com/business/2022/09/husband-household-chores-personal-finance-advice.html
5. Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband is currently unemployed, but can’t help spending money on video games. I’ve spoken to him multiple times about it and he keeps apologizing, but then two weeks later does it again. How can I teach him that he can’t spend hundreds of dollars when he doesn’t have a job? I’m so frustrated and want to open separate bank accounts but every time I say that he cries and begs me not to. Help!
—Soon to Be Bankrupt
Dear Soon to Be Bankrupt,
You should definitely open a separate bank account. You are not required to support your husband’s video game habit and he needs to be aware of what he’s actually spending. But more importantly, you need to make sure he doesn’t keep spending and put you in a dire financial situation.
It also sounds like he may be addicted to video games and/or spending because he’s struggling with something—unemployment, most likely—and may be depressed. The games may allow him to escape reality.
If he were capable of controlling it entirely, I don’t think he’d get so upset at the idea of having separate bank accounts. He’s afraid to get cut off. You need to talk about why this is happening, and he may need therapy to deal with whatever’s precipitating it. It’s OK to be sympathetic to whatever’s going on and supporting him, while also setting boundaries around spending as a precaution.
You don’t say whether you expect or want him to work, but that’s a factor, too. If he’s looking for a job and having trouble finding one, that may be where he needs help as well. Good luck.
https://slate.com/business/2022/07/salary-boyfriend-advice-personal-finance.html
6. Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m feeling like I have lost all respect for my husband since the pandemic sent him working remotely from home. He is a creative professional and I have discovered that it means he works a total of two hours a day and feels he can meander through the home for the rest of the time.
I have two small children (ages 2 and 5) and I am worried that they see him doing such little work through the day—he often is lounging and sleeping at moments when I am toiling and I never seem to get time to even sit through the day. I’m worried that my children are forming unhealthy ideas of what it means to work (and how gender is involved) and my husband refuses to follow our household routines and is not able to help with the kids functionally. We have had advice from professionals for my husband to make at least 15 minutes a day for each child’s “special time” to help improve his relationship with them, but that doesn’t seem to be something he is willing to accomplish.
—Stay-at-Home Mom Taking Care of Everyone at Home
Dear Stay-at-Home Mom,
I think it matters less that your husband doesn’t work that much (as long as you’re financially OK) than that he doesn’t do anything else to help and isn’t making time for the kids. Your kids will have plenty of models for what work looks like as they get older. The gendered division of labor is more of a problem.
You mention that you’re getting advice from professionals; I’m not sure if you mean a marriage counselor, but if not, this is the sort of thing that counseling can help with. Your husband needs to understand that his behavior is affecting your marriage and making you feel like you’re the only adult in the house. That could escalate into feelings of contempt, which are dangerous for any relationship. A counselor can help him understand what the stakes are for you, especially if you’ve been telling him and he’s not listening.
He may be accustomed to doing whatever he wants during the workday because that was what he was doing before the pandemic. I doubt getting him to change his behavior would happen overnight, but it sounds like he doesn’t understand the seriousness of the problem or how it’s affecting your feelings toward him. I think you need to be as direct as possible about how it affects you and tell him you need more participation from him with domestic duties and your children.
https://slate.com/business/2022/07/husband-remote-work-finance-advice.html
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2. I'd love to sit down with this man for ten minutes, then give an airy armchair diagnosis to explain *his* weird behavior. I'm sure his reaction would be noteworthy.
3. Well, that dude is a loser, and LW should dump him and move out. The comments are full of "OH BUT IT IS HIS HOUSE! SHE IS A GUEST!!!" but no.
4. If this jerk was going to pay for a cleaner he would've done it already rather than arguing about it for the past 15 years. Obviously he doesn't really want to do that.
5. JFC, I have no idea what is wrong with this dude, but LW needs to change the bank account - and this time, don't ask him first. Just put them on separate accounts with each person getting budgeted a reasonable amount of spending allowance. Budget a little more for therapy too.
6. Well, it's very possible that his creative work does actually require a lot of free time to wander and, uh, be creative. Just because he's not sitting at a desk or pounding a hammer, that doesn't mean he's not working.
However, I'm really concerned that LW is couching all her complaints about the lack of equitability in the childcare and household chores as something she worries about for the sake of the children. It is okay to want things for yourself, as a person and not just a mommy!
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Sure, Pay Dirt is right in pointing out that Dad doing his part won't make the kids pitch in of their own volition – but it would mean they couldn't argue that it's unfair for them to be asked to, because Dad doesn't have to.
Also: household expenses are my responsibility (he pays for bills and rent, and I take care of an ever-expanding and ever-costlier list of “everything else”) really doesn't seem to me like a good way to handle finances.
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LW 2-6: Nah, I'm jumping straight to "bail" on these.
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Also learned today: in some US states, getting married doesn't invalidate a prior will, but having children in the marriage does. If LW's husband wrote his will in Maryland, it's no longer valid. (Or maybe if LW and her husband live in Maryland. I don't know which law applies when you write your will in one state but are resident in another state when you die.)
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But it could be personal escapism, or a kind of "keeping up appearances" to a geeky social circle. Both of which need a conversation about spending what the household can't afford, but different kinds of conversations.
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Now, it's not unreasonable to want to have some say in something your partner wants to do in the house. Many years ago I was taken aback when I came home to find that Spouse had installed a big shelf unit on the kitchen wall, taking down the poster that I'd had hanging there. But I did not throw a fit or tell Spouse that he couldn't make changes in the house he now lived in; I could see that the shelves would be useful, and while they weren't what I'd have chosen, it didn't merit a fight, just a short amicable discussion. (We'll probably take them down in a few years if either kid ends up taller than us; there's a corner that just clears our heads but that taller people brain themselves on if they aren't careful coming from the hall into the kitchen.)
BF could've simply said "hey, I really don't like this cabinet; what's the problem it's solving for you, and is there some other way we can solve it?" The fact that he went to "this is my house and you have no say in it" says really bad things about him. Though I'm surprised that it took nine years for this part of his personality to come out -- did LW only move in with him recently?
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Good grief. These women need out RIGHT NOW.