(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My younger child “Lisa” is 14. Lisa has always been very shy. She has anxiety. She is very nerdy. She likes board games and Dungeons and Dragons. She has worn glasses since she was a toddler. Her best friend from a young age, and her only friend in elementary school, was a boy named “Liam.” She has always been ambivalent about wearing skirts. All these traits are what my ex-wife Linda has used to conclude that Lisa is lesbian.

She decided this by the time Lisa was 8, and has been waiting for her to come out ever since. I found out about this about a year ago when Linda confided in me that she was worried about homophobic bullies when Lisa went to high school. Linda and I divorced when Lisa was 3 years old, but we have had an amicable co-parenting relationship since then. I have always had more time with the kids than her in our joint custody agreement; it’s just the reality of our jobs. I know that that has been a source of frustration for Linda in the past. About five years ago, Linda and her brother stopped talking to their homophobic family, and Linda left her old community at a more traditional church for a progressive LGBTQ+-friendly church, which my kids are also members of (voluntarily). What I didn’t realize at the time is that she did all this because she thought that Lisa was a lesbian.

Well, Lisa and Liam have been dating for the past four months. Lisa has told me in private that she is fairly sure that she is a straight cis girl (she compared her feelings to those of her close friends in the board game club at school who were LGBTQ+ in some way). Linda has been getting impatient. She has been dropping hints about how it’s time for Lisa to come out. She’s also been talking about how much she hopes Lisa isn’t straight because of all the sacrifices she’s made to provide a better home for a gay child. Lisa is frightened about what would happen if her mother found out about her dating life. She may have changed, but from what I remember of our married days she might take out her frustrations on Lisa emotionally. I understand that this isn’t really as serious as a lesbian teen who has a homophobic mother, but given I don’t know what to do in that situation either, any advice would be appreciated.

—Lots of L Names

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(no subject)

[conuly]

I am a straight-A, 16-year-old girl, and I live in a rural, close-knit area. Most years my “low” grades are in the 93-95 range, and I’m a year (or more) ahead in most of my classes. I have a sibling in college who calls me for help on his homework. In other words, I’m a really good student and always have been. However, I have also had anxiety for as long as I can remember and have been suicidal on and off since I was in fourth grade. Last year, during the height of all-virtual schooling, I had a mental health crisis which ended with me attempting suicide. Since then I started seeing a therapist weekly, and a few months ago, I finally settled with a therapist that seems trustworthy and helpful who’s brought something to my attention.

I’m a very picky eater and sensitive about light, sound, and smell. I’m incredibly clumsy to the point that I still can’t really tie my shoes and tell the difference between left and right with consistency. I have barely legible handwriting and bump into things all the time. My reaction to pain is sort of dull so I have bruised marks on my hips and lower back from hitting desks and such by accident. Most of this stuff hasn’t been a big problem (besides being humiliating, which is why I mentioned it to my therapist). Most of my teachers just let me type or abbreviate any long passages, and I usually sit close to the front where there’s less to crash into when I stand/sit. I don’t eat in public so no one outside of my family really knows anything about my diet.

My therapist (who lives in a substantially larger city) was the first person to tell me that in a larger school system (or college) a lot of my accommodations would probably require an IEP or 504, and a lot of stuff I go through isn’t really as “normal” as I thought it was. Well, now I’m worried. I plan to go to college and wonder if I should get any evaluations, so I don’t get screwed over when I have to turn in a handwritten essay or can’t wear earplugs in class. Every resource I’ve looked at seems to consider middle school a “late” diagnosis, and I’m halfway through high school.

Would there still be a point in seeking an evaluation for these potential issues, and could I still get help from school? Also, how should I go about bringing the issue to my parent’s attention? Normally I would tell this sort of a thing to my dad, since my mom has always not-so-subtly thought my clumsiness and picky eating was the result of being spoiled and lazy. However, my dad died several years ago so that’s off the table. I’m also terrible at asking for help. I don’t think my mom would really consider any sort evaluation without a doctor’s opinion recommending it, if that helps.

—A Really Good Student

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