agonyaunt | (no subject)

I am a straight-A, 16-year-old girl, and I live in a rural, close-knit area. Most years my “low” grades are in the 93-95 range, and I’m a year (or more) ahead in most of my classes. I have a sibling in college who calls me for help on his homework. In other words, I’m a really good student and always have been. However, I have also had anxiety for as long as I can remember and have been suicidal on and off since I was in fourth grade. Last year, during the height of all-virtual schooling, I had a mental health crisis which ended with me attempting suicide. Since then I started seeing a therapist weekly, and a few months ago, I finally settled with a therapist that seems trustworthy and helpful who’s brought something to my attention.

I’m a very picky eater and sensitive about light, sound, and smell. I’m incredibly clumsy to the point that I still can’t really tie my shoes and tell the difference between left and right with consistency. I have barely legible handwriting and bump into things all the time. My reaction to pain is sort of dull so I have bruised marks on my hips and lower back from hitting desks and such by accident. Most of this stuff hasn’t been a big problem (besides being humiliating, which is why I mentioned it to my therapist). Most of my teachers just let me type or abbreviate any long passages, and I usually sit close to the front where there’s less to crash into when I stand/sit. I don’t eat in public so no one outside of my family really knows anything about my diet.

My therapist (who lives in a substantially larger city) was the first person to tell me that in a larger school system (or college) a lot of my accommodations would probably require an IEP or 504, and a lot of stuff I go through isn’t really as “normal” as I thought it was. Well, now I’m worried. I plan to go to college and wonder if I should get any evaluations, so I don’t get screwed over when I have to turn in a handwritten essay or can’t wear earplugs in class. Every resource I’ve looked at seems to consider middle school a “late” diagnosis, and I’m halfway through high school.

Would there still be a point in seeking an evaluation for these potential issues, and could I still get help from school? Also, how should I go about bringing the issue to my parent’s attention? Normally I would tell this sort of a thing to my dad, since my mom has always not-so-subtly thought my clumsiness and picky eating was the result of being spoiled and lazy. However, my dad died several years ago so that’s off the table. I’m also terrible at asking for help. I don’t think my mom would really consider any sort evaluation without a doctor’s opinion recommending it, if that helps.

—A Really Good Student

Dear A Really Good Student,

Your letter is heartbreaking. You’ve been through so much, with the death of your father and your own suicide attempts, that I’m amazed you’re able to think about college at all. You have much to be proud of: your strength of perseverance and your academic achievements. But let’s not make this about college. You’ve experienced trauma that needs addressing, and the biggest priority here should be your own mental wellness.

I want to make you and any teenager who is struggling with suicidal thoughts aware of the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, which is now as simple as calling or texting 988. A lot of people have difficulty asking for help. Please, reach out when you are struggling.

I’m glad you have found a supportive therapist and that they are encouraging you to seek the help you need and deserve. Perhaps their recommendation for further evaluation would be enough to convince your mother? You could also speak to a guidance counselor or one of the people at your school who handles IEPs to learn specifics about what the evaluation process might entail. Coming to your mother with a complete plan might reduce some of her hesitancy. Normally I wouldn’t want to place that burden on a student’s shoulders, but you are clearly someone who takes charge of their own education and has the work ethic to seek answers and an action plan.

The so-called “late” timing of a potential diagnosis and whatever IEP or 504 plan you may receive as a result should NOT deter you from seeking help. While it is true that those specific plans (the ones a student receives in primary or secondary school) do not follow you to college, every university I looked into had an office for providing accommodations. They have to in order to remain compliant with the ADA and section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act.

So, it’s worth it to be evaluated, even late in high school. And it’s normal. I see students go through that process as juniors and seniors all the time. Because it isn’t just about getting extended time on tests. It’s about knowing yourself, so you can be better to yourself. Whatever you discover through these evaluations will surely help you seek better care, in school and out. Take care of yourself, kiddo, and good luck.

—Mr. Vona, high school teacher, Florida)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

1. At least two very specific diagnoses sprang instantly to mind reading this, and I hope this girl gets the help she needs

2. Her mother apparently sucks. Seriously.

2a. If this girl WAS just spoiled, who the hell does this woman think is to blame for that if not herself?

3. There is no reason to think that any professor won't let her wear her earplugs to class. I would, however, be worried about keeping up in a large lecture class.

2a. She probably blames LW's dad, who's not around to call bullshit on it.

My "lazy, clumsy, careless, not living up to potential" gifted-kid issues were Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and undiagnosed ADHD, and my mother was (and still is, in my 40's) unbelievably awful about it.

(I was able to be much kinder to my daughter, who has the same issues -- sorry, kiddo, didn't know they could be passed on, and I wasn't diagnosed back then!)

But, yeah. The mother sounds like a real prize.

LW is very articulate and self-possessed, and I really hope that she can find supportive medical and psych professionals to give her the best chance at success, wellness, and happiness.

I will say that universities talk a good game about ADA accommodations, but it doesn't always work out in practice (K's school seemed fine, we met with Student Disability Services before her freshman year, and then were told that "professors get to set their own standards," so the accommodations . . . didn't really happen at first.

We did eventually get some cooperation, but that was after a life-threatening health event that they seemed to consider "really qualified as a disability."

Sigh.

ADHD and co-morbid anxiety, here, diagnosed *after* I first tried college. (Getting diagnosed helped me eventually graduate. A long while later.)

I agree that universities... could do much better than they are. Basically, it's better to have accommodations than not, even when sometimes there are roadblocks a mile wide.

E-D was my first guess, too. I’m wondering whether the therapist or LW can call their primary care physician and add up the symptoms in a way that would have the doctor ask for a closer look.

Based on all the horror stories I've heard from students who were denied accommodations they needed at university

(including accommodations as minor as always sitting at the front of the room so they could see/hear;

or always sitting at the back of the room for sudden emergency toilet sprints)

an airtight diagnosis documentation helps A LOT

I want to give LW a very careful hug and a referral to a clinic that diagnoses neurodiversities.

I love this guy's answer, he is kindness itself.

Oh kiddo. I wish I could still pray. I so hope an adult in this kid's life can help her get the help she needs and Mom can STFU.