(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

The other day my child and I looked through the second grade photo feed, and I asked why there were no photos of her playing with Olivia, whose name comes up a lot at home. My child casually responded, “Because her mother doesn’t like me, so she knows to move away to play with another kid when the teacher gets the camera out.” So my question is: What level of rage is appropriate? On a scale of 1 (“let it go, maybe the kid misheard”) to 10 (“shame them on social media and carve mean things in their lawn”), where should my reaction fall? I think I started at a 7 (quiet seething) and am trying to get myself down to about a 5. My daughter is sociable, has many friends, and I am not aware of any behavior that would make GROWNUPS tell their child to avoid her. (I talked to her a bit about this, and she said, “Honestly, I’m glad Olivia told me the truth. We are still friends, and my feelings would be hurt if I thought she was leaving me for no reason.”)

—Mom in a Rage

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I need some advice addressing a parenting conflict that arises between my daughter “Kate” and daughter-in-law “Tammy” every time our family gets together. My husband and I and our two kids are all lucky to be thin without ever worrying about what we eat. Our daughter married a very athletic man, and they have three kids. Their family is quite active and puts a high emphasis on healthy eating, only allowing cake, soda, and such on special occasions. Our son, on the other hand, married a mildly plump woman who gained a large amount of weight after having their two kids, and instead of getting on the weight loss bandwagon has decided to embrace it as a positive. Tammy brings sweets, snack food, and fast food wherever she goes for herself and her kids, who are already visibly plump despite being typically active kids. All five grandkids are between 3 and 8 years old.

When we get together, Kate always warns her kids against accepting junk food from their cousins, which being kids they don’t always obey. Tammy takes offense at this and retaliates by sneakily pushing such foods on Kate’s kids. This has led to more than one blowup with Kate criticizing Tammy’s eating and child-feeding habits, Tammy in tears, my son yelling at his sister for upsetting his wife, Kate’s husband in turn defending her, and so on. Kate says she feels bad about this and would prefer to let each family set its own rules without making it a topic of discussion, but feels her first duty is to raise her kids healthy and that Tammy forces the issue by trying to impose her family’s habits on Kate’s—similar to if Kate were to take Tammy’s kids’ sugary and salty snacks away and replace their ever-present Capri Suns and Mountain Dews with reusable bottles of water, which she has talked about but never actually done.

The only solution I can think of would be to see our son’s and daughter’s families separately, but that would mean fewer weekends for us to spend alone as a couple. And apart from the parent-driven conflict over food, the kids all really enjoy playing with their cousins. Do you have any suggestions?

—No More Food Fights!

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