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Dear Care and Feeding,
I need some advice addressing a parenting conflict that arises between my daughter “Kate” and daughter-in-law “Tammy” every time our family gets together. My husband and I and our two kids are all lucky to be thin without ever worrying about what we eat. Our daughter married a very athletic man, and they have three kids. Their family is quite active and puts a high emphasis on healthy eating, only allowing cake, soda, and such on special occasions. Our son, on the other hand, married a mildly plump woman who gained a large amount of weight after having their two kids, and instead of getting on the weight loss bandwagon has decided to embrace it as a positive. Tammy brings sweets, snack food, and fast food wherever she goes for herself and her kids, who are already visibly plump despite being typically active kids. All five grandkids are between 3 and 8 years old.
When we get together, Kate always warns her kids against accepting junk food from their cousins, which being kids they don’t always obey. Tammy takes offense at this and retaliates by sneakily pushing such foods on Kate’s kids. This has led to more than one blowup with Kate criticizing Tammy’s eating and child-feeding habits, Tammy in tears, my son yelling at his sister for upsetting his wife, Kate’s husband in turn defending her, and so on. Kate says she feels bad about this and would prefer to let each family set its own rules without making it a topic of discussion, but feels her first duty is to raise her kids healthy and that Tammy forces the issue by trying to impose her family’s habits on Kate’s—similar to if Kate were to take Tammy’s kids’ sugary and salty snacks away and replace their ever-present Capri Suns and Mountain Dews with reusable bottles of water, which she has talked about but never actually done.
The only solution I can think of would be to see our son’s and daughter’s families separately, but that would mean fewer weekends for us to spend alone as a couple. And apart from the parent-driven conflict over food, the kids all really enjoy playing with their cousins. Do you have any suggestions?
—No More Food Fights!
Dear Food Fights,
Tammy is absolutely in the wrong for sneaking her nieces and nephews food that their parents don’t approve of. It’s not her business nor her decision. Her behavior is inappropriate, and she is possibly putting the kids in a difficult position with their parents, which isn’t fair to them.
As I read your letter, though, what I wonder about is whether she is doing this because something in the family dynamic makes her feel like her choices and lifestyle are being tacitly judged and disapproved of by the rest of you, and this is her form of silent rebellion. You may need to do some introspection about what kinds of signals you, Kate, and possibly others are sending her. (Are Kate’s warnings obvious, public, and full of subtext, for example? Are the two women or the children praised or treated differently because of their weight or food choices?) It’s possible you aren’t doing anything, and these are just Tammy’s own insecurities coming into play in a really negative way. But the tone of your letter leaves me feeling like there’s some judgment floating around the family. Things don’t need to be said out loud for others to know they are being thought. You might consider asking your son about what Tammy is feeling in all this (if there’s a way to do so that doesn’t feel like you’re talking behind her back—and I’d do so only if you’re acting out of genuine concern to make her feel more included). If she feels slighted, or like the black sheep of the bunch, he will know, and from there you can work out some next steps. If you want to make sure you’re setting both women (and all the grandkids) up for a happy future as one big extended family, both Tammy’s actions and family attitudes need to be on the table for a heart-to-heart conversation.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/food-sabotage-healthy-eating.html
I need some advice addressing a parenting conflict that arises between my daughter “Kate” and daughter-in-law “Tammy” every time our family gets together. My husband and I and our two kids are all lucky to be thin without ever worrying about what we eat. Our daughter married a very athletic man, and they have three kids. Their family is quite active and puts a high emphasis on healthy eating, only allowing cake, soda, and such on special occasions. Our son, on the other hand, married a mildly plump woman who gained a large amount of weight after having their two kids, and instead of getting on the weight loss bandwagon has decided to embrace it as a positive. Tammy brings sweets, snack food, and fast food wherever she goes for herself and her kids, who are already visibly plump despite being typically active kids. All five grandkids are between 3 and 8 years old.
When we get together, Kate always warns her kids against accepting junk food from their cousins, which being kids they don’t always obey. Tammy takes offense at this and retaliates by sneakily pushing such foods on Kate’s kids. This has led to more than one blowup with Kate criticizing Tammy’s eating and child-feeding habits, Tammy in tears, my son yelling at his sister for upsetting his wife, Kate’s husband in turn defending her, and so on. Kate says she feels bad about this and would prefer to let each family set its own rules without making it a topic of discussion, but feels her first duty is to raise her kids healthy and that Tammy forces the issue by trying to impose her family’s habits on Kate’s—similar to if Kate were to take Tammy’s kids’ sugary and salty snacks away and replace their ever-present Capri Suns and Mountain Dews with reusable bottles of water, which she has talked about but never actually done.
The only solution I can think of would be to see our son’s and daughter’s families separately, but that would mean fewer weekends for us to spend alone as a couple. And apart from the parent-driven conflict over food, the kids all really enjoy playing with their cousins. Do you have any suggestions?
—No More Food Fights!
Dear Food Fights,
Tammy is absolutely in the wrong for sneaking her nieces and nephews food that their parents don’t approve of. It’s not her business nor her decision. Her behavior is inappropriate, and she is possibly putting the kids in a difficult position with their parents, which isn’t fair to them.
As I read your letter, though, what I wonder about is whether she is doing this because something in the family dynamic makes her feel like her choices and lifestyle are being tacitly judged and disapproved of by the rest of you, and this is her form of silent rebellion. You may need to do some introspection about what kinds of signals you, Kate, and possibly others are sending her. (Are Kate’s warnings obvious, public, and full of subtext, for example? Are the two women or the children praised or treated differently because of their weight or food choices?) It’s possible you aren’t doing anything, and these are just Tammy’s own insecurities coming into play in a really negative way. But the tone of your letter leaves me feeling like there’s some judgment floating around the family. Things don’t need to be said out loud for others to know they are being thought. You might consider asking your son about what Tammy is feeling in all this (if there’s a way to do so that doesn’t feel like you’re talking behind her back—and I’d do so only if you’re acting out of genuine concern to make her feel more included). If she feels slighted, or like the black sheep of the bunch, he will know, and from there you can work out some next steps. If you want to make sure you’re setting both women (and all the grandkids) up for a happy future as one big extended family, both Tammy’s actions and family attitudes need to be on the table for a heart-to-heart conversation.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/food-sabotage-healthy-eating.html
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I want to talk to Tammy since I'm a fellow fat girl, and point out that while I UNDERSTAND her desire to push back against Kate and the inlaws' obvious judginess, trying to force food, especially traditionally-considered-junk food, on the kids is absolutely not the way to go about pushing back. (If she *is* "forcing" food and not just making it available.)
Someone fit needs to go talk to Kate.
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That is an important question to ask, because who the hell even knows.
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Kate's rigidity and judgmental behavior make her sound extremely unpleasant, and I feel sorry for her kids, who are probably absorbing Kate's unhealthy attitude toward food. None of that excuses Tammy's disregard for another parent's right to make decisions for their own children.
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That sounds like an accurate reading of "pushing" to me. It's just that I'm not sure I trust the LW that "pushing" actually applies, since LW so obviously wishes there were less of Tammy in every way.
And yeah, that's one of the reasons Tammy is wrong, which is why I wish I could talk to her. Being hurt, especially over and over, often doesn't bring out our best selves.
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This, 100% & forever. If LW's report is accurate (which, like you, I doubt), Tammy's certainly not behaving well – but I feel for her more than for anyone else here. (Well, except the poor confused kids.)
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Visit each family solo. Maybe offer to bring the kids to see their cousins and give each set of parents some alone time. Cut back on the big family get togethers for a while. Let everyone cool off. Perhaps one of the factors here is the grandparents insisting on togetherness during weekends when the kids have other shit going on. Tammy may be trying to keep her kids fed between ball games, birthday parties, and whatever activities LW is having.
Also if I catch you calling a three year old fat I'm coming after you with a baseball bat.
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I wonder if it is really a case of Tammy 'pushing' 'junk food' on Kate's offspring or whether she can't actually keep them away from her sugary treats without doing physical violence, which would also probably annoy Kate?
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Also, offering food to her own kids without offering anything to the others could feel quite rude? Especially if it's something that would be considered a treat by a kid? It's really easy for kids of that age to feel left out if someone's getting something they aren't, regardless of how their parents feel about it.
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Unless there are life-threatening allergies involved, Kate and Grandma need to back off and let all of the kids enjoy the Oreos and chips Tammy brings, because getting together with the whole family is a special, "treat"-worthy occasion. Maybe Tammy can bring the chips and Kate can bring the "healthy" dips to stick them in.
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