oh Amy no

[ysobel]

Dear Amy: I have been to therapy off and on throughout the course of my 40-plus-year marriage.

The advice I’ve been given is to pray about it, to find a hobby or to get a divorce.

My wife is my best friend and I love her dearly, but when it comes to love and affection, she is not interested. We have slept in separate bedrooms for most of our marriage. There is never any hand holding, cuddling or intimacy.

When I tell her how lonely I am, she basically ignores me. She is not willing to attend couples’ therapy and is perfectly content with our platonic relationship.

I have hobbies and grandchildren to occupy my days, but I’m extremely lonely. I’m in great shape for my age and hope to live another 30 years.

I can’t bear to think that I will live out the rest of my life being lonesome and wanting a woman’s affection. I’ve been faithful through all of this, but worry about giving in to temptation someday.

Any advice?

— Suffering from Touch Deprivation

( Read more... )

An oldie but a doozy

[swingandswirl]

Carolyn Hax: Brother has limited involvement with family. Can they make him change?

(Originally posted in 2008 and recently republished.) 
 

Dear Carolyn: From late high school on, my younger brother has chosen to distance himself from family. My parents are Cuban, and we’re a pretty close family, with its share of Hispanic-mom guilt trips, manipulations, etc. My brother is supersmart, high school valedictorian, etc., so I think he felt marginalized at school. In college he really seemed to come out of his shell, and after graduating, he moved to Utah with his girlfriend. My mom was devastated that he moved so far from home (Texas). A couple of years later, they got married and moved to San Diego — more devastation for Mom.

I vacation with my parents at least every other year; my brother hasn't been on vacation with us in 12-plus years. He spends Christmas at his in-laws' house, Thanksgiving in San Diego and comes home maybe five days a year. He buys us expensive gifts, sends flowers for all the funerals, etc., but doesn't attend. My mom talks to him every Sunday. This is pretty much his level of involvement with the family. My mom lies to her friends because she doesn't want them to think badly of my bro.

After all that one-sided history, here’s the problem. My brother and his wife are having a baby soon. My mom, being one who has trouble holding in her opinions, already has expressed dismay that they’re having a natural birth with a midwife/doula, using cloth diapers, etc. I’ve calmed her worries, and expressed this to my brother, BUT he won’t let my mom come see the new baby for a month. This is killing my mom (she was at the hospital for both of my kids). Should there be a point where my brother just once allows the level of “family togetherness” that the rest of us expect?

— V.

( In which CH responds MUCH more diplomatically than I would have... )