(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter is now 20. She became rebellious in high school and took up with bad friends, one boyfriend in particular (now 19). They smoked pot and probably experimented with other things. I know the guy is an experienced drug user, 8th grade dropout — the absolute worst.

My daughter came home at 19, pregnant and crying, we took her in as long as the toxic relationship ended. It did for a while. She hid it from us, but they had some sort of on-again-off-again relationship.

She ended up joining the military, and we agreed to care for her child while she was in bootcamp and training. She just left with the child to her first assignment. Within days he joined her. She never told us, we found out from others.

It seems he has begun controlling her. She is not responding to texts from her best friend. She has responded to mine but only with brief one-word responses (not like her).

My husband is done. He says he feels like burning her stuff that she left behind and taking down her pictures. She lied to us all along and this is what she wanted.

I say we should keep trying to reach out to her. I emailed her and gave her names of organizations that help women in domestic violence issues — just in case she ever needs them. I did not get a response. He may be controlling her email and phone.

We are heartbroken. Any advice? --- HEARTBROKEN

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A letter and a response letter

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I am a 42-year-old man with two teenage sons. I have been married to my second wife for almost a year. She has an 11-year-old son, "Brice."

Brice never had a man in his life until I married his mom. He is respectful and a sweet kid, but for some reason, I hate him. I know that sounds harsh, and I am actually ashamed at how I feel, but I cannot seem to warm up to him.

My sons are 14 and 16. They are your typical rough-and-tumble boys. They are into sports, girls and cars. I suppose I am used to that behavior in boys.

Brice, on the other hand, is extremely effeminate and sensitive. He would rather be inside reading a book or helping his mom in the kitchen. I came home from work the other day, and he was in an apron helping her bake cookies. I could barely look at him.

I have tried numerous times to get him interested in the things most boys his age are doing, such as playing catch in the backyard. He cries and complains and says how much he hates sports.

My sons have also tried to get him to do things with them, but he will complain the entire time that he hates the outdoors. They pretty much have given up on him. They say he is a whiner and a crybaby.

If I am out somewhere with him and I run into a friend or co-worker, I am actually embarrassed to introduce him as my stepson because of how he acts.

I want to make this very clear: I keep my feelings to myself. I pretend to be a loving parent. But I don't feel any love for him at all. My wife has no clue I feel this way. She always tells me what a wonderful dad I have been to her son.

I know I need counseling or something, but I am too ashamed to talk to anyone and admit I feel what I feel. Is there anything you can suggest? — Ashamed and Terrible Stepdad

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And the response:

Dear Annie: A lifetime ago, I was like "Brice," the 11-year-old kid whom "Ashamed and Terrible Stepdad" wrote to you about. If the stepfather "hates" what he himself describes as a respectful and sweet kid merely because the kid likes to read books and is not into sports or the outdoors, then the stepfather has a very serious problem. As you suggest, odds are high the stepfather has internal doubts about his own masculinity/heterosexuality.

You recommend therapy, and the stepfather could potentially benefit from that. Unfortunately, it might not yield a positive result, particularly if the family lives in an area where kids who are "different" are viewed askance. Except in the largest U.S. cities (and even in some of them), people with similar perspectives and outlooks tend to cluster together, and any locally based psychotherapist could easily suffer from the stepfather's prejudices.

Tragically, there is no question Brice is aware that his stepfather despises him for what he is. I am also certain that the two "rough-and-tumble" sons are equally aware of the situation. If they haven't already started to treat their stepbrother in a disrespectful and demeaning way, they will start doing so very soon as they reach puberty. All kids pick up on feelings; it doesn't matter whether they're bookworms or jocks.

The bottom line: This family is seriously dysfunctional; the mother is in denial about what is going on (as many mothers in similar situations are) and also needs therapy; and all three children are at risk. If an intervention of some kind does not occur, odds are very high that Brice will grow up to hate himself and trust no one, that the stepbrothers will grow up to be bullies (or worse) and that the parents' relationship will deteriorate.

The one saving grace is that the stepfather has more self-awareness than most other father figures in similar situations. The fact that he signs himself as "ashamed" and "terrible" offers some hope for the family's future. -- Been There and Done That in Western New York in the 1960s

Dear Been There and Done That: I'm printing your letter, as I feel that it will be useful for "Ashamed" to hear the perspective of someone who's been in his stepson's shoes.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2607639