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A letter and a response letter
Dear Annie: I am a 42-year-old man with two teenage sons. I have been married to my second wife for almost a year. She has an 11-year-old son, "Brice."
Brice never had a man in his life until I married his mom. He is respectful and a sweet kid, but for some reason, I hate him. I know that sounds harsh, and I am actually ashamed at how I feel, but I cannot seem to warm up to him.
My sons are 14 and 16. They are your typical rough-and-tumble boys. They are into sports, girls and cars. I suppose I am used to that behavior in boys.
Brice, on the other hand, is extremely effeminate and sensitive. He would rather be inside reading a book or helping his mom in the kitchen. I came home from work the other day, and he was in an apron helping her bake cookies. I could barely look at him.
I have tried numerous times to get him interested in the things most boys his age are doing, such as playing catch in the backyard. He cries and complains and says how much he hates sports.
My sons have also tried to get him to do things with them, but he will complain the entire time that he hates the outdoors. They pretty much have given up on him. They say he is a whiner and a crybaby.
If I am out somewhere with him and I run into a friend or co-worker, I am actually embarrassed to introduce him as my stepson because of how he acts.
I want to make this very clear: I keep my feelings to myself. I pretend to be a loving parent. But I don't feel any love for him at all. My wife has no clue I feel this way. She always tells me what a wonderful dad I have been to her son.
I know I need counseling or something, but I am too ashamed to talk to anyone and admit I feel what I feel. Is there anything you can suggest? — Ashamed and Terrible Stepdad
Dear Ashamed and Terrible Stepdad: Many people believe that if you feel that you hate someone, you actually hate something about yourself that you recognize in the other person. That could be the case here. Perhaps when you were a child, an adult made you feel bad about some aspect of your personality that wasn't stereotypically masculine. Whatever the source of these feelings, a counselor could help you work through them and past them, confidentially and without judgment. That is a counselor's job. You don't need to tell anyone why you're going to counseling — but you do need to go, for your sake and for Brice's. Children pick up on feelings.
https://www.telegram.com/story/entertainment/columns/2017/12/08/dear-annie-hatred-and-disgust-for-stepson/16877318007/
***
And the response:
Dear Annie: A lifetime ago, I was like "Brice," the 11-year-old kid whom "Ashamed and Terrible Stepdad" wrote to you about. If the stepfather "hates" what he himself describes as a respectful and sweet kid merely because the kid likes to read books and is not into sports or the outdoors, then the stepfather has a very serious problem. As you suggest, odds are high the stepfather has internal doubts about his own masculinity/heterosexuality.
You recommend therapy, and the stepfather could potentially benefit from that. Unfortunately, it might not yield a positive result, particularly if the family lives in an area where kids who are "different" are viewed askance. Except in the largest U.S. cities (and even in some of them), people with similar perspectives and outlooks tend to cluster together, and any locally based psychotherapist could easily suffer from the stepfather's prejudices.
Tragically, there is no question Brice is aware that his stepfather despises him for what he is. I am also certain that the two "rough-and-tumble" sons are equally aware of the situation. If they haven't already started to treat their stepbrother in a disrespectful and demeaning way, they will start doing so very soon as they reach puberty. All kids pick up on feelings; it doesn't matter whether they're bookworms or jocks.
The bottom line: This family is seriously dysfunctional; the mother is in denial about what is going on (as many mothers in similar situations are) and also needs therapy; and all three children are at risk. If an intervention of some kind does not occur, odds are very high that Brice will grow up to hate himself and trust no one, that the stepbrothers will grow up to be bullies (or worse) and that the parents' relationship will deteriorate.
The one saving grace is that the stepfather has more self-awareness than most other father figures in similar situations. The fact that he signs himself as "ashamed" and "terrible" offers some hope for the family's future. -- Been There and Done That in Western New York in the 1960s
Dear Been There and Done That: I'm printing your letter, as I feel that it will be useful for "Ashamed" to hear the perspective of someone who's been in his stepson's shoes.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2607639
Brice never had a man in his life until I married his mom. He is respectful and a sweet kid, but for some reason, I hate him. I know that sounds harsh, and I am actually ashamed at how I feel, but I cannot seem to warm up to him.
My sons are 14 and 16. They are your typical rough-and-tumble boys. They are into sports, girls and cars. I suppose I am used to that behavior in boys.
Brice, on the other hand, is extremely effeminate and sensitive. He would rather be inside reading a book or helping his mom in the kitchen. I came home from work the other day, and he was in an apron helping her bake cookies. I could barely look at him.
I have tried numerous times to get him interested in the things most boys his age are doing, such as playing catch in the backyard. He cries and complains and says how much he hates sports.
My sons have also tried to get him to do things with them, but he will complain the entire time that he hates the outdoors. They pretty much have given up on him. They say he is a whiner and a crybaby.
If I am out somewhere with him and I run into a friend or co-worker, I am actually embarrassed to introduce him as my stepson because of how he acts.
I want to make this very clear: I keep my feelings to myself. I pretend to be a loving parent. But I don't feel any love for him at all. My wife has no clue I feel this way. She always tells me what a wonderful dad I have been to her son.
I know I need counseling or something, but I am too ashamed to talk to anyone and admit I feel what I feel. Is there anything you can suggest? — Ashamed and Terrible Stepdad
Dear Ashamed and Terrible Stepdad: Many people believe that if you feel that you hate someone, you actually hate something about yourself that you recognize in the other person. That could be the case here. Perhaps when you were a child, an adult made you feel bad about some aspect of your personality that wasn't stereotypically masculine. Whatever the source of these feelings, a counselor could help you work through them and past them, confidentially and without judgment. That is a counselor's job. You don't need to tell anyone why you're going to counseling — but you do need to go, for your sake and for Brice's. Children pick up on feelings.
https://www.telegram.com/story/entertainment/columns/2017/12/08/dear-annie-hatred-and-disgust-for-stepson/16877318007/
And the response:
Dear Annie: A lifetime ago, I was like "Brice," the 11-year-old kid whom "Ashamed and Terrible Stepdad" wrote to you about. If the stepfather "hates" what he himself describes as a respectful and sweet kid merely because the kid likes to read books and is not into sports or the outdoors, then the stepfather has a very serious problem. As you suggest, odds are high the stepfather has internal doubts about his own masculinity/heterosexuality.
You recommend therapy, and the stepfather could potentially benefit from that. Unfortunately, it might not yield a positive result, particularly if the family lives in an area where kids who are "different" are viewed askance. Except in the largest U.S. cities (and even in some of them), people with similar perspectives and outlooks tend to cluster together, and any locally based psychotherapist could easily suffer from the stepfather's prejudices.
Tragically, there is no question Brice is aware that his stepfather despises him for what he is. I am also certain that the two "rough-and-tumble" sons are equally aware of the situation. If they haven't already started to treat their stepbrother in a disrespectful and demeaning way, they will start doing so very soon as they reach puberty. All kids pick up on feelings; it doesn't matter whether they're bookworms or jocks.
The bottom line: This family is seriously dysfunctional; the mother is in denial about what is going on (as many mothers in similar situations are) and also needs therapy; and all three children are at risk. If an intervention of some kind does not occur, odds are very high that Brice will grow up to hate himself and trust no one, that the stepbrothers will grow up to be bullies (or worse) and that the parents' relationship will deteriorate.
The one saving grace is that the stepfather has more self-awareness than most other father figures in similar situations. The fact that he signs himself as "ashamed" and "terrible" offers some hope for the family's future. -- Been There and Done That in Western New York in the 1960s
Dear Been There and Done That: I'm printing your letter, as I feel that it will be useful for "Ashamed" to hear the perspective of someone who's been in his stepson's shoes.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2607639
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With the caveat from the other LW's response, I'd say he needs to specifically be warned of two things: one, that he needs a licensed therapist and not a "Christian counselor". One can, of course, be a mental health professional and a Christian, but the ones who advertise themselves that way typically have no training, education, or credentials at all. Kinda like advice columnists, but they're also almost guaranteed to be anti-LGBTQ, which brings us to the next point, which is that LW1 needs to specifically screen his potential therapists for being LGBTQ friendly. Not that I think his stepson is LGBTQ (or that his sons are not), there isn't enough information to determine that, but clearly part of the root of his problem is rooted in not so latent homophobia/transphobia.
Until then, he needs to stop trying to get his stepson interested in different things. Normally I'd say he should try to show an interest in his stepson's interests, but in this case, where he's a grown-ass man freaking the hell out because an eleven year old likes to bake cookies and wears an apron to protect his clothes while doing so, or because he - gasp! - reads books? Hell no. Dude needs to work on himself first.
It would be a good idea to try to find some family activities that are mutually agreeable to all the kids. If sports are out, how about video games? Family movie night? These are normal activities that most boys his age are doing, but they might be more appealing to him.
(I also note that the older boys complaining that he's a "crybaby" is worrisome. This could indicate that they tend to bully him. I don't want to jump to that conclusion, but... well, children often copy their parents, even at this age.)
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I really feel for the poor kid. I hope he has a supportive adult SOMEWHERE.
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Yeah, I just want to protect Brice so much.
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Edit: Though obvs I'm most concerned about Brice, then about the two teens, then about this LW - and him only because he does know his feelings are harmful and bad.
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That's it in a nutshell. LW's problem is a steaming mash of toxic masculinity, homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny.
I want to steal Brice away from his clueless mother and whatever the frick LW is, and keep him safe with books and quiet indoor activities and the occasional quiet outdoor activity and unlimited and unconditional love