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minoanmissQ. Can’t support a pagan friend: I’m a thirtysomething who lives in a midsize West Coast city with very liberal sensibilities that I share. There’s a reason I moved here! ( Read more... )
Feb. 27th, 2020
minoanmissminoanmissI work at the same company as one of my close friends, Mark, albeit not in the same department. About two months ago, he entered a relationship with one of his peers, James. I am very happy for them and Mark is very invested in this relationship. However, in a few weeks, Mark is going to be promoted to a manager role, where he will be supervising James. At our company, managers and direct reports cannot enter a new relationship and pre-existing relationships must be reported to HR.
This situation is complicated by the fact that neither Mark and James are out, and our company is not particularly LGBTQ-friendly (it pays lip service but the company policies do not reflect that). Mark has told me he is planning on continuing the relationship without informing HR, and I am concerned about the potential repercussions. While I don’t think Mark would blatantly favor his partner through promotions or anything, they do eat lunch together and I worry about the optics of that once Mark is promoted, or any unintentional biases. Additionally I worry about what would happen if they went through a messy breakup or if they become very serious and the relationship somehow gets leaked anyway.
My internal opinion is that it would be best for one of them to switch jobs but I don’t know if that is the best course of action or if I even have a right to weigh in on this since I would essentially be advocating for Mark to fire his boyfriend.
Ooooh nooo. Mark cannot manage his boyfriend. That can lead to huge abuses of power and conflicts of interest (even if he doesn’t intend it to), or the appearance of them, and it will be terrible for their relationship! You can’t have a healthy relationship where one person has power over the other. Nor can you manage effectively when you’re dating an employee — it generally means that the employee’s performance isn’t assessed appropriately, they’re not given adequate feedback, and favoritism affects others on the team. It also can open up your company to charges of harassment down the road (“I wanted to break up with him, but he implied it would affect my standing at work”). Most companies have a no-dating-subordinates policy, and if it ever comes out that they’re dating, Mark is at high risk of being fired (and rightly so).
Ideally Mark would disclose his relationship with James to the company, but if that’s not a safe option, then yes, one of them does need to leave (or move to a different team internally). That doesn’t mean advocating that Mark fire James though (that too would be an abuse of power) — this should be something they do voluntarily.
This situation is complicated by the fact that neither Mark and James are out, and our company is not particularly LGBTQ-friendly (it pays lip service but the company policies do not reflect that). Mark has told me he is planning on continuing the relationship without informing HR, and I am concerned about the potential repercussions. While I don’t think Mark would blatantly favor his partner through promotions or anything, they do eat lunch together and I worry about the optics of that once Mark is promoted, or any unintentional biases. Additionally I worry about what would happen if they went through a messy breakup or if they become very serious and the relationship somehow gets leaked anyway.
My internal opinion is that it would be best for one of them to switch jobs but I don’t know if that is the best course of action or if I even have a right to weigh in on this since I would essentially be advocating for Mark to fire his boyfriend.
Ooooh nooo. Mark cannot manage his boyfriend. That can lead to huge abuses of power and conflicts of interest (even if he doesn’t intend it to), or the appearance of them, and it will be terrible for their relationship! You can’t have a healthy relationship where one person has power over the other. Nor can you manage effectively when you’re dating an employee — it generally means that the employee’s performance isn’t assessed appropriately, they’re not given adequate feedback, and favoritism affects others on the team. It also can open up your company to charges of harassment down the road (“I wanted to break up with him, but he implied it would affect my standing at work”). Most companies have a no-dating-subordinates policy, and if it ever comes out that they’re dating, Mark is at high risk of being fired (and rightly so).
Ideally Mark would disclose his relationship with James to the company, but if that’s not a safe option, then yes, one of them does need to leave (or move to a different team internally). That doesn’t mean advocating that Mark fire James though (that too would be an abuse of power) — this should be something they do voluntarily.
conulyDear Carolyn: I'm afraid my 16-year-old daughter is missing out on the best parts of her youth. She's a good kid, gets good grades, but doesn't seem to have any friends, doesn't date, doesn't go to parties, football games or dances — nothing. Her entire life is focused on a blog she runs and the fan fiction she posts on another site.
I've checked her blog; it's okay, but nothing most girls would be interested in.
These are the years to have fun, learn social skills and build a good résumé for college. My daughter will have absolutely no extracurricular activities unless she writes about her Superman and Batman fan fiction. My husband and I have told her about all the fun she's missing — he played football and ran track, I was a cheerleader, in the theater club and never missed a dance — but she's just not interested. In anything.
We don't think she needs to be a cheerleader or an athlete, but we do think she needs to be involved in something. What should we do?
— Worried
( Read more... )
I've checked her blog; it's okay, but nothing most girls would be interested in.
These are the years to have fun, learn social skills and build a good résumé for college. My daughter will have absolutely no extracurricular activities unless she writes about her Superman and Batman fan fiction. My husband and I have told her about all the fun she's missing — he played football and ran track, I was a cheerleader, in the theater club and never missed a dance — but she's just not interested. In anything.
We don't think she needs to be a cheerleader or an athlete, but we do think she needs to be involved in something. What should we do?
— Worried
( Read more... )
And now some Feb 29th Frivolity
Feb. 27th, 2020 06:02 pmbeablethe Leap Day employee finally gets her birthday off this year
by ALISON GREEN on FEBRUARY 27, 2020
Alison: It’s Leap Day on Saturday, and that means we must revisit this letter (and its update) about an employee born on Leap Day who isn’t allowed to have her birthday off except every four years.
Telling an employee born on Leap Day she can’t have her birthday off (the original)
LW: One of the perks provided by my workplace is a paid day off on your birthday (or the day after if it falls on a weekend or holiday) provided by the firm and not taken from your own vacation days, and a gift card which works at several restaurants in our city. Once a month, a cake is also provided at lunch for everyone as an acknowledgement of everyone who has a birthday that month.
There is an employee on my team who was born in a leap year on February 29. Since she only has a birthday every four years, she does not get a day off or a gift card and is not one of the people the cake acknowledges. She has complained about this and is trying to push back so she is included.
The firm doesn’t single out or publicly name anyone that has a birthday. People take the day off and that is it, nothing is said. The gift card is quietly enclosed with their pay stub. The cake is put in the lunchroom without fanfare for anyone that wants some. There is no email or card that goes around and no celebrating at work. If there was I could see her point, but since everything is done quietly/privately, she is not losing out on anything. My manager feels her complaints are petty and she needs to be more professional. I agree with him.
She has only worked here for two years and was hired straight out of university. I want to tell her that she should be focusing on work issues and not something as small as a birthday. If she had a complaint about a work issue it would be different. How do I frame my discussion with her without making her feel bad or like she is trouble? Her work is good and I am sure the complaint is just borne of inexperience and I don’t want to penalize her for it.
Alison: What?! She doesn’t only have a birthday every four years — she has one every year like everyone else. (Surely you don’t believe that she only advances in age every four years, right?) She might need to celebrate her birthday on February 28 or March 1 in non-leap years, but it’s not true that she doesn’t have a birthday and it’s absolutely unfair and wrong for your office to give her fewer days off than other people because of this. She should get the day off, she should get the gift card, and she should be acknowledged with the other birthdays at the same time.
It makes no sense to demoralize someone over something so easily fixed, and it’s very odd that you and your manager are digging in your heels on this. It’s not about her being inexperienced or petty, and it’s alarming that you and your manager think that! This is about you and your manager not looking logically at what you’re doing (and, frankly, being petty yourselves). You two are wrong, she is right, and you should remedy this and apologize to her for mishandling it.
And the update (originally here):
LW: I just wanted to give an update and to clarify a few things. I am the employee’s manager. For some reason some people in the comments thought I was a “coworker” or “team lead.”
One person guessed I was not American. I don’t know why they were jumped all over but they were correct. I am Canadian. I live and work outside of North America.
Some people mentioned Jehovah’s Witnesses and not being allowed to celebrate birthdays and the legality of this in the comments. This is not relevant to the situation with my employee. Also, it is considered a cult here and is banned. No one who works here is a Jehovah’s Witness.
People seemed to be unclear on the policy even though I stated it. Employees must take their birthday off. This is mandatory and not voluntary. They are paid and don’t have use their own time off. If their birthday falls on a weekend or holiday, they get the first working day off. There is no changing the date. They must take their actual birthday or the first working day back (in case of a weekend or holiday). People love the policy and no one complains about the mandatory day off or the gift card.
She had worked here for 2 years. She did get her birthday off in 2016 as it was a leap year. She did not get a day off in 2017 as it is not a leap year and didn’t get this year either. If she is still employed here in 2020 she will get a Monday off as the 29th of February is on a Saturday. This is in line with the policy. Some of the comments were confused about whether she ever had a birthday off.
The firm is not doing anything illegal by the laws here. She would have no legal case at all and if she quit she will not be able to get unemployment. She is not job hunting. She has known about the birthday policy since February of 2016 and has been bringing it up ever since. She has complained but has not looked for another job (the market is niche and specialized). Morale is high at the firm. Turnover among employees is low. Many people want to work here. Aside from this one issue she is a good worker and would be given an excellent reference if she decides to look elsewhere in the future.
Alison: Alison here. I don’t usually add anything of my own on to updates, but I want to state for the record that this is insane.
https://www.askamanager.org/2020/02/the-leap-day-employee-finally-gets-her-birthday-off-this-year.html
by ALISON GREEN on FEBRUARY 27, 2020
Alison: It’s Leap Day on Saturday, and that means we must revisit this letter (and its update) about an employee born on Leap Day who isn’t allowed to have her birthday off except every four years.
Telling an employee born on Leap Day she can’t have her birthday off (the original)
LW: One of the perks provided by my workplace is a paid day off on your birthday (or the day after if it falls on a weekend or holiday) provided by the firm and not taken from your own vacation days, and a gift card which works at several restaurants in our city. Once a month, a cake is also provided at lunch for everyone as an acknowledgement of everyone who has a birthday that month.
There is an employee on my team who was born in a leap year on February 29. Since she only has a birthday every four years, she does not get a day off or a gift card and is not one of the people the cake acknowledges. She has complained about this and is trying to push back so she is included.
The firm doesn’t single out or publicly name anyone that has a birthday. People take the day off and that is it, nothing is said. The gift card is quietly enclosed with their pay stub. The cake is put in the lunchroom without fanfare for anyone that wants some. There is no email or card that goes around and no celebrating at work. If there was I could see her point, but since everything is done quietly/privately, she is not losing out on anything. My manager feels her complaints are petty and she needs to be more professional. I agree with him.
She has only worked here for two years and was hired straight out of university. I want to tell her that she should be focusing on work issues and not something as small as a birthday. If she had a complaint about a work issue it would be different. How do I frame my discussion with her without making her feel bad or like she is trouble? Her work is good and I am sure the complaint is just borne of inexperience and I don’t want to penalize her for it.
Alison: What?! She doesn’t only have a birthday every four years — she has one every year like everyone else. (Surely you don’t believe that she only advances in age every four years, right?) She might need to celebrate her birthday on February 28 or March 1 in non-leap years, but it’s not true that she doesn’t have a birthday and it’s absolutely unfair and wrong for your office to give her fewer days off than other people because of this. She should get the day off, she should get the gift card, and she should be acknowledged with the other birthdays at the same time.
It makes no sense to demoralize someone over something so easily fixed, and it’s very odd that you and your manager are digging in your heels on this. It’s not about her being inexperienced or petty, and it’s alarming that you and your manager think that! This is about you and your manager not looking logically at what you’re doing (and, frankly, being petty yourselves). You two are wrong, she is right, and you should remedy this and apologize to her for mishandling it.
And the update (originally here):
LW: I just wanted to give an update and to clarify a few things. I am the employee’s manager. For some reason some people in the comments thought I was a “coworker” or “team lead.”
One person guessed I was not American. I don’t know why they were jumped all over but they were correct. I am Canadian. I live and work outside of North America.
Some people mentioned Jehovah’s Witnesses and not being allowed to celebrate birthdays and the legality of this in the comments. This is not relevant to the situation with my employee. Also, it is considered a cult here and is banned. No one who works here is a Jehovah’s Witness.
People seemed to be unclear on the policy even though I stated it. Employees must take their birthday off. This is mandatory and not voluntary. They are paid and don’t have use their own time off. If their birthday falls on a weekend or holiday, they get the first working day off. There is no changing the date. They must take their actual birthday or the first working day back (in case of a weekend or holiday). People love the policy and no one complains about the mandatory day off or the gift card.
She had worked here for 2 years. She did get her birthday off in 2016 as it was a leap year. She did not get a day off in 2017 as it is not a leap year and didn’t get this year either. If she is still employed here in 2020 she will get a Monday off as the 29th of February is on a Saturday. This is in line with the policy. Some of the comments were confused about whether she ever had a birthday off.
The firm is not doing anything illegal by the laws here. She would have no legal case at all and if she quit she will not be able to get unemployment. She is not job hunting. She has known about the birthday policy since February of 2016 and has been bringing it up ever since. She has complained but has not looked for another job (the market is niche and specialized). Morale is high at the firm. Turnover among employees is low. Many people want to work here. Aside from this one issue she is a good worker and would be given an excellent reference if she decides to look elsewhere in the future.
Alison: Alison here. I don’t usually add anything of my own on to updates, but I want to state for the record that this is insane.
https://www.askamanager.org/2020/02/the-leap-day-employee-finally-gets-her-birthday-off-this-year.html