Carolyn Hax: A teen blogger’s parents are no fans of her social life

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: I'm afraid my ­16-year-old daughter is missing out on the best parts of her youth. She's a good kid, gets good grades, but doesn't seem to have any friends, doesn't date, doesn't go to parties, football games or dances — nothing. Her entire life is focused on a blog she runs and the fan fiction she posts on another site.

I've checked her blog; it's okay, but nothing most girls would be interested in.

These are the years to have fun, learn social skills and build a good résumé for college. My daughter will have absolutely no extracurricular activities unless she writes about her Superman and Batman fan fiction. My husband and I have told her about all the fun she's missing — he played football and ran track, I was a cheerleader, in the theater club and never missed a dance — but she's just not interested. In anything.

We don't think she needs to be a cheerleader or an athlete, but we do think she needs to be involved in something. What should we do?

— Worried

Worried: Recognize, now, that she is involved with something.

It’s just not what interests you. And that’s fine.

Even better, it’s authentic. Your daughter isn’t afraid to be herself — despite pressure, no doubt, from her popular parents to be what they think a teen girl should be.

Pressure, plus scorn. “Unless she writes about her . . . fan fiction”? Why wouldn’t she? “Nothing most girls would be interested in”? You just totally invalidated her.

To be fair, if she doesn’t have friends, then that is concerning. And you’re right about building in-person social skills.

But she might have a huge community you don’t see. She’s also 16, not 6; she needs you to believe in her, not pick out friends for her. So respect her terms: Some kids see sports/dances/theater as scholastically sanctioned torture, not “the best parts” of anything. She’s not interested in the cheer scene! Except perhaps ironically. Work with that, not against it.

Or, better idea: Just stop trying to fix her. Hedge against isolation by encouraging a volunteer gig or part-time job, sure. But otherwise, unless she’s depressed, why not treat your evidence of “missing out” as proof instead that she’s opting out, and comfortable in her own skin? The kid you describe sounds productive and focused — just more solitary than you’d choose to be.

Readers’ thoughts:

●My mom used to laugh off science fiction and fantasy as “that silly stuff [daughter] likes.” And then I moved to L.A. and got on the writing staff of a fantasy TV drama. Suddenly what [daughter] liked wasn’t so silly after all.

●I interviewed for my (elite) alma mater for several years. Plenty of kids do track, football, cheerleading — if that’s your milkshake, fine — but someone who at 16 dedicates time and passion to something not mainstream? That’s special.

●I was forced by my parents to “get out with the other kids.” It was torture, and I much preferred books, TV and needlecrafts indoors. Now at 62, I’m still a reader and needleworker. And I still resent my parents for making me feel so utterly alien from society.

●My brother had a son like this and took him to Comic-Con events. He found his community there!

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-a-teen-bloggers-parents-are-no-fans-of-her-social-life/2020/02/21/0bb99bf0-4f5a-11ea-9b5c-eac5b16dafaa_story.html

Comments

[conuly]

Dear LW's daughter: In a few years, you can leave home and go to college. Just hold on to that thought if Mom and Dad don't shape up.

[minoanmiss]

Oh my god this answer makes me happy. I hope the parents listen.

Dear Baby Assigning Agency: would you quit sending two jocks a nerd child? I know you think it's funny but still.

[malkingrey]

It's almost as bad as when the Agency sends two nerds a jock/cheerleader. Didn't happen to me, but a writer friend of mine ended up with a daughter who was into cheerleading and (until her knee got bunged up) gymnastics. My friend doggedly spent her daughter's high school years sewing the uniforms and attending the games and doing all the supportive mom-of-a-cheerleader things, but she didn't deny that it was a relief when that phase was over.

[cereta]

You know, there are much, much worse things a kid could write about on college applications than her blog and Superman and Batman fan fiction. And I'm willing to bet her essay will be better written than a lot of people who spent Friday nights at football games.

[cynthia1960]

Yes, this.

[cimorene]

JFC, what a cartoonishly awful parent for a young fannish person to have! I applaud LW's child for sticking to her interests in spite of it.

[ellen_fremedon]

What do you think the odds are of LW's Extremely Online daughter finding this column?

[melannen]

What do you think are the odds she's on DW? Unless her parents thought a tumblr was a "blog", the odds seem pretty good, there aren't a lot of other sites that prioritize slash fandom blogs these days.

[conuly]

Her parents might think that tumblr is a blog.

[delight]

She's almost definitely on AO3 though, if she's posting on "another site."

[conuly]

For sure.

[jadelennox]

Could be wattpad, but yeah.

[watersword]

Raise the child you have, not the child you thought you were going to have, or wanted to be, or any of the variations on "not your actual child".

[cereta]

I need to embroider this on a pillow.

[mommy]

This is a shining example of an extrovert completely failing to understand an introvert. Parties, football games and dances are wonderful things for people who enjoy them. Those same things are just plain exhausting and boring for people who find social events tiresome at best. If the problem is that the daughter needs to pad paid out her college applications, then perhaps options such as book clubs, art classes, or creative writing workshops might do the trick. Otherwise, please back off.

[jamoche]

Other than not having a blog - it was 1983, I was one of maybe three kids who actually had a computer - that could describe me in high school. I had a small number of friends and a paternal DNA contributor who was the only person who thought I should go to prom. (Hell no.)

But I did have that computer and soon afterwards I had a CS degree. And eventually an Ao3 account, too.

[ioplokon]

Yeah, I feel like this is a fairly healthy, normal blog? Also I think it's really great that she feels comfortable showing it to her parents! All of my blogging & forum stuff was done with utmost secrecy! Plus, if there were people at her school that she wanted to be friends with... she probably would already be friends with them?

I thought this was going to be a letter about teen bloggers/vloggers/instagrammers who are idk "overly-professional" and don't have friends so much as a self-marketing "network" -- something I feel is much more damaging & sadly not uncommon.

[azurelunatic]

Dear parents: oh, f entirely off here.

[frenzy]

>we do think she needs to be involved in something

SHE IS. SHE'S WRITING!!!! Itll look great on a college resume!