Carolyn Hax: This husband’s ‘get better’ sounds a lot like gaslighting

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: My husband recently said he thinks I'm annoying and arrogant. For example, when I meet someone new or we are out with his friends, I try to connect by sharing information on the subject matter we're discussing. My husband interprets that as trying to show off how smart I am. I told him that's not my intention, but he insists it is. What I thought was regular back-and-forth, he says the other person finds annoying and would never tell me that.

He went on to say my storytelling is erratic and leaves out details, and he knows our friends find me annoying because of it.

But when I was trying to tell him something about work later on, he called this an example of me leaving out context and details . . . except I had told him that stuff. I don't think he was listening.

Anyway, I've dialed my conversations with him way back at home, and I try to keep my thoughts to myself. I don't know what to do about socializing with his friends and family. I'd really rather bow out, but my husband wants me to get better, not give up.

Except every time I open my mouth now, I have to stop myself and calculate everything. I try to keep my responses to one-word answers even when asked about something.

The most frustrating thing is being around people who claim to like me and ask me about my life but find me annoying behind my back. It's so fake.

Another double date is coming up. Do I have a right to get out of it? I'm crying as I type this.

— Anonymous

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