Dear Abby: Wedding Guest List Is Full of Questions for Bride-to-Be

[purlewe]

 DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to the love of my life ("Tom"), and I dread making the guest list for our wedding. I don't want any of my cousins there. The young ones are rude and obnoxious, and the one who's an adult I no longer talk to. I asked my mom what to do. She said if we invite any kids, then we must invite all of them.

We would like my fiance's young nieces and nephews to be in the wedding party. Tom said he isn't inviting anyone he doesn't want there. A few family members invited me to their weddings because my parents were invited, but I don't feel I know them well enough to invite them to mine, although one couple was kind enough to get us an engagement present. I want to be nice, but I don't want any nonsense. Please help. -- TORN IN THE EAST

DEAR TORN: Your mother has the right idea. Listen to her. Weddings can bring families together, but they can also do the opposite. The relatives you are thinking of excluding are the children of your parents' siblings. If you don't know them well, be gracious. Should you snub them while including your fiance's nieces and nephews, word will get back to them -- trust me on that -- and the negative repercussions could last for many years and affect not just you but also your parents.

I Just Found Out My Friend Had an Affair With My Ex

[conuly]

My first marriage ended 20 years ago. I knew my husband was sleeping with someone else, but I never found out who. “Helen,” my friend and neighbor, made me coffee and held my hand when I broke down. She even helped me while she was pregnant, and I often referred to her sons as my “other nephews.” Recently I learned her younger son did an ancestry test and learned that Helen’s husband wasn’t his father and that he was first cousins with people still living in my former town. That’s the name of my former in-laws: My ex-husband was the father. My “nephew” ended up calling me to ask for the truth since Helen was stonewalling him and his father refused to deal with it. I told him I knew my ex had had an affair but not with whom, gave him my former mother-in-law’s contact information, and wished him well.

I only had one conversation with Helen. She tried to apologize, and I asked her if she got off more from sleeping with my husband or gloating over my stupidity and misery. She said that wasn’t “fair,” and I asked her if they ever slept together in my bed and whether any of this was “fair” for me or her son. Then I hung up. My new husband thinks it would be easier to let this go and forgive since it’s been so long, but can anyone forgive a betrayal like this? I feel sick. I miss Helen, I hate Helen, and I wish none of this had ever happened. I feel like such a stupid, naïve fool—a betrayed wife crying to her husband’s mistress, what a farce. I don’t know what to do.

—The End, Again

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