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beableThis letter and response interests me because I had a similar situation in my own life about 10 years ago and didn't know how to deal with it.
Q. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition: I’ve been living in Spain for the past five years in an area with a very small Jewish population. I am usually the first Jewish person anyone has ever met, and for the most part that is met with openness, if sometimes accompanied by thoughtless, though perhaps well-meaning, comments. I have a new co-worker who’s half-American named Jan, and we really get along well. But recently Jan brought her boyfriend to a work barbecue (I was supposed to be there but fell sick at the last minute), and I learned from a co-worker that her boyfriend declared that Jews are secretly controlling governments to destroy everything. She knows I’m Jewish but still brought her anti-Semitic boyfriend to an event I was supposed to be at. Am I being too sensitive? To what extent should I hold her accountable for her significant other’s opinions? If she’s dating him, is that an endorsement for how he thinks? I feel stupid for feeling this worked up. I also heard this information secondhand, so I have no reason—or real desire—to bring it up. What’s the best way to navigate this?
A: Here are my answers to your questions, in order: No, you are not being too sensitive. To what extent should you hold her accountable for her significant other’s opinions? To the extent that she brings him to work-related picnics where he can share his anti-Semitic conspiracy theories with her co-workers. If she’s dating him, is that an endorsement for how he thinks? Well, she’s at least decided she’s comfortable bringing him around the people she works with and didn’t contradict him in public the last time he started spouting off.
If I were in your position, I’d take her aside, acknowledge that you heard what happened, and ask her at the very least to let you know if she plans on bringing him to future company events so you can make other arrangements. Ideally this would prompt her to not bring him at all out of a healthy sense of embarrassment! But I don’t think you have to pretend you didn’t hear about it; it sounds like you trust the veracity of this eyewitness account, and you shouldn’t have to keep silent and be uncomfortable about something that should embarrass her. If you have a really strong relationship with your supervisor, you might bring this up with them; again, ideally everyone in an office has a similar idea of what semiprofessional, not-strictly-at-work-but-still-with-my-co-workers types of conversation look like, but if people seem to need a refresher, now might be a great time.
Q. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition: I’ve been living in Spain for the past five years in an area with a very small Jewish population. I am usually the first Jewish person anyone has ever met, and for the most part that is met with openness, if sometimes accompanied by thoughtless, though perhaps well-meaning, comments. I have a new co-worker who’s half-American named Jan, and we really get along well. But recently Jan brought her boyfriend to a work barbecue (I was supposed to be there but fell sick at the last minute), and I learned from a co-worker that her boyfriend declared that Jews are secretly controlling governments to destroy everything. She knows I’m Jewish but still brought her anti-Semitic boyfriend to an event I was supposed to be at. Am I being too sensitive? To what extent should I hold her accountable for her significant other’s opinions? If she’s dating him, is that an endorsement for how he thinks? I feel stupid for feeling this worked up. I also heard this information secondhand, so I have no reason—or real desire—to bring it up. What’s the best way to navigate this?
A: Here are my answers to your questions, in order: No, you are not being too sensitive. To what extent should you hold her accountable for her significant other’s opinions? To the extent that she brings him to work-related picnics where he can share his anti-Semitic conspiracy theories with her co-workers. If she’s dating him, is that an endorsement for how he thinks? Well, she’s at least decided she’s comfortable bringing him around the people she works with and didn’t contradict him in public the last time he started spouting off.
If I were in your position, I’d take her aside, acknowledge that you heard what happened, and ask her at the very least to let you know if she plans on bringing him to future company events so you can make other arrangements. Ideally this would prompt her to not bring him at all out of a healthy sense of embarrassment! But I don’t think you have to pretend you didn’t hear about it; it sounds like you trust the veracity of this eyewitness account, and you shouldn’t have to keep silent and be uncomfortable about something that should embarrass her. If you have a really strong relationship with your supervisor, you might bring this up with them; again, ideally everyone in an office has a similar idea of what semiprofessional, not-strictly-at-work-but-still-with-my-co-workers types of conversation look like, but if people seem to need a refresher, now might be a great time.