Dear Prudence: Dealing with co-worker's antisemitic boyfriend

[beable]

This letter and response interests me because I had a similar situation in my own life about 10 years ago and didn't know how to deal with it.


Q. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition: I’ve been living in Spain for the past five years in an area with a very small Jewish population. I am usually the first Jewish person anyone has ever met, and for the most part that is met with openness, if sometimes accompanied by thoughtless, though perhaps well-meaning, comments. I have a new co-worker who’s half-American named Jan, and we really get along well. But recently Jan brought her boyfriend to a work barbecue (I was supposed to be there but fell sick at the last minute), and I learned from a co-worker that her boyfriend declared that Jews are secretly controlling governments to destroy everything. She knows I’m Jewish but still brought her anti-Semitic boyfriend to an event I was supposed to be at. Am I being too sensitive? To what extent should I hold her accountable for her significant other’s opinions? If she’s dating him, is that an endorsement for how he thinks? I feel stupid for feeling this worked up. I also heard this information secondhand, so I have no reason—or real desire—to bring it up. What’s the best way to navigate this?

A: Here are my answers to your questions, in order: No, you are not being too sensitive. To what extent should you hold her accountable for her significant other’s opinions? To the extent that she brings him to work-related picnics where he can share his anti-Semitic conspiracy theories with her co-workers. If she’s dating him, is that an endorsement for how he thinks? Well, she’s at least decided she’s comfortable bringing him around the people she works with and didn’t contradict him in public the last time he started spouting off.

If I were in your position, I’d take her aside, acknowledge that you heard what happened, and ask her at the very least to let you know if she plans on bringing him to future company events so you can make other arrangements. Ideally this would prompt her to not bring him at all out of a healthy sense of embarrassment! But I don’t think you have to pretend you didn’t hear about it; it sounds like you trust the veracity of this eyewitness account, and you shouldn’t have to keep silent and be uncomfortable about something that should embarrass her. If you have a really strong relationship with your supervisor, you might bring this up with them; again, ideally everyone in an office has a similar idea of what semiprofessional, not-strictly-at-work-but-still-with-my-co-workers types of conversation look like, but if people seem to need a refresher, now might be a great time.

Comments

[beable]

In my case it was discovering that a co-worker whom I had previously liked working with was really anti-semitic when I came across his Facebook page.

I had been bored one day, and did a search on Facebook pages matching my place of employement (I don't list that in my FB profile but I realize others consider doing so normal), found a whole bunch of co-worker pages. This particular co-worker had a several "Holocaust was a myth"/"Holocaust was Jewish Propoganda"/"Protocols of the Elders of Zion" group endorsements.

It was really awkward because of the whole "outside of work" thing not having any real structure that I could use to deal with this at work (unless one considered the fact that he listed his place of employment as him stating his views in an employer space) and so I mostly just tried to limit how much I interacted with him until I was relieved that he moved to a job elsewhere about a year later.

[rosefox]

I had a similar situation with a colleague I greatly admired, who signed a public letter saying that trans women aren't women. She was very confused by my sudden chilliness toward her, but since I was and am quite out as trans, I felt no need to give her an explanation.

[melannen]

Augh.

In the US context I have been acquaintances with many women who have witnessed their boyfriend/husband's views being radicalized from "not really into politics" to "antifeminist antisemitic white supremacist conspiracy theorist" just over the past five years who have, for whatever reason, not felt like that was sufficient reason to drop him. It does not usually mean she agrees with him, just that she feels like she's stuck with him. And depending on how bad it gets, she may not feel free to disagree with him in public, or disinvite him to things, either. :/

Since you weren't actually at the event, I would probably go to the supervisor first telling her what you've heard, saying that being around talk like that feels very hostile to you, and ask her to give people a refresher on what conversation at work events should look like, and to also take point on shutting things like that down at work events. Because frankly that should already be happening, and she should respond to that with embarrassment and a promise to work on paying more attention.

...but that's how it should work in the current US context. I have no idea how it would play out in Spain.

[shirou]

I'm not sure I would recommend going to a supervisor. My company offers strong equal employment opportunity protections, but it would have a hard time dealing with a situation that occurred (1) outside of work (2) where the individual reporting the incident was not even present. But that's the US; I don't know about Spain.

If it were me, I would probably use the information to quietly be a little more cautious and on guard. That's me, personally. Talking to the coworker as Prudie suggests is a reasonable step also, but if the coworker offers any kind of denial, the secondhand nature of the information would immediately make further conversation difficult.

[lavendertook]

First off, I'd want to ask the coworker who told her about the bf saying antisemitic crap at the party if anyone took him to task. If not, then Jan's bf is not the only problem she has to deal with. She needs to be asking loudly, how come no one took this guy to task when he said that if no one did. This will let Jan know this is a problem she needs to start dealing with. Secondly, telling Jan that she will have to make other arrangements--which means not going to the party herself--exiling herself is not an option here--what terrible advice! I think talking to Jan and letting her know that her bf saying antisemitic stuff, especially at a work party is making LW uncomfortable is the thing to say. That puts the ball in Jan's court to see how she wants to deal with it. It's not all up to the LW.

I"m a Jew and had a coworker say something antisemitic in front of me at a job several years ago, and fretted a day or two, but then mentioned it to her--she didn't realize what she said was antisemitiic or know I was Jewish. She took a couple of days, but then let me know she got it and apologized. I appreciated that. But she wasn't a raving antisemitic conspiracy theorist like the LW's coworker's bf. But if LW doesn't speak up, who is going to get these people to check their bigotry?

[lemonsharks]

The best case scenario here is the coworker who heard the antisemitic remark reporting it to both their and Jan's supervisor, and the office informing Jan that her BF is no longer welcome at company events.


(And then the BF not showing up/being removed if he does.