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Carolyn Hax: not really helpful
Mar. 7th, 2016 12:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xenacrystDear Carolyn: My husband tries to be helpful around the house. But he seems to have rather large blind spots. I’ve learned he truly doesn’t see the packages piled up on the porch when he walks inside. He cleans up the kitchen, but misses the pots on the stove and the countertops with spills and crumbs. He doesn’t remember when trash day is so he never gets the can to the curb.
I have tried to point out some of these in a gentle way, but he gets upset that I don’t appreciate how much he does around the house.
But when the job is half-done, I feel resentful that I have to always remember — and finish — the household jobs. He will do anything I ask, but I’m tired of asking. I want him to recognize and carry some of the load with me.
Half-Done Household
Half-Done Household: He is carrying some of the load. He might even argue he’s carrying more than his half — because you have to ask, half of what whole?
If he were expecting to live in a sparkly clean environment on your labors alone, that would be one thing. But from what you describe, he’d be content to live amid his crumbs and spills. That’s a different problem for you, for both of you, altogether.
So before you envision a fair division of labor, you need to reconcile your way to a fair vision of the outcome. Your standard of “clean enough,” his, or somewhere in between?
Another discussion point: If you insist — for the sake of argument — on surgical cleanliness, does he still need to do half of whatever that requires? Or is the one with higher standards responsible for the aboves-and-beyonds?
With housekeeping, the tendency is to think vertically: You do dishes, I do laundry; I vacuum, you take out the trash; each job done to completion.
Maybe the answer here is to agree to think horizontally instead: You tend to dishes, laundry, vacuum and trash to your standards, and I finish them to mine. He cuts, you style.
You can also close any resentment-breeding gaps with professional help. And, a smartphone: His can ping him weekly on trash night. Marriages have been rescued by less.
I have tried to point out some of these in a gentle way, but he gets upset that I don’t appreciate how much he does around the house.
But when the job is half-done, I feel resentful that I have to always remember — and finish — the household jobs. He will do anything I ask, but I’m tired of asking. I want him to recognize and carry some of the load with me.
Half-Done Household
Half-Done Household: He is carrying some of the load. He might even argue he’s carrying more than his half — because you have to ask, half of what whole?
If he were expecting to live in a sparkly clean environment on your labors alone, that would be one thing. But from what you describe, he’d be content to live amid his crumbs and spills. That’s a different problem for you, for both of you, altogether.
So before you envision a fair division of labor, you need to reconcile your way to a fair vision of the outcome. Your standard of “clean enough,” his, or somewhere in between?
Another discussion point: If you insist — for the sake of argument — on surgical cleanliness, does he still need to do half of whatever that requires? Or is the one with higher standards responsible for the aboves-and-beyonds?
With housekeeping, the tendency is to think vertically: You do dishes, I do laundry; I vacuum, you take out the trash; each job done to completion.
Maybe the answer here is to agree to think horizontally instead: You tend to dishes, laundry, vacuum and trash to your standards, and I finish them to mine. He cuts, you style.
You can also close any resentment-breeding gaps with professional help. And, a smartphone: His can ping him weekly on trash night. Marriages have been rescued by less.