Entries tagged with dear carolyn

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Dear Carolyn: I am a 26-year-old man and don’t feel like I can unload this on anyone I know. My parents’ divorce is ripping me up. I feel like I’m going to burst into tears at random moments of the day. My mom left my dad because she found out he’d been cheating with an 18-year-old girl, so the divorce is messy. Dad is alone in their gigantic house, gutted because it’s over with his girlfriend and he lost my mom to a short, stupid affair. He wants to save their marriage, but my mom won’t even talk to him, and he’s going crazy. My mom is heartbroken and wrecked in her own way and has moved to my aunt’s.

I’m splitting my time visiting them both two or three times a week. I feel responsible to check on them, more so my dad because he’s so depressed. It’s scary, but I am losing hope that things can get better for any of us.

When I’m not working or with them, I read and work out to stay busy, but it’s not helping. It sounds pathetic, but I just wish someone would pat me on the back and tell me it’s all gonna be okay. I don’t believe it anymore because I lost the family and childhood home I knew. I am trying to avoid self-pity, but I don’t see a good outcome.

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WTF did I just read?

Dear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.

They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous

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Two letters to Carolyn Hax

1. Dear Carolyn: My daughter-in-law-to-be, “Jennifer,” has been cool to me, and I’ve wondered why. My son said he hadn’t noticed anything. I think I figured it out, and it’s all a misunderstanding.

I always thought Jennifer was divorced from the father of her 5-year-old, but I just found out she never was married.

I think she overheard me talking with my sister at a recent party about a 20-year-old girl we know who is having a baby. We agreed it was a shame that thoughtless, careless people procreate without intention, without marriage and without adequate income when it is so easy to prevent. It could have looked as if we were describing Jennifer — she got pregnant in college — but we definitely were not.

Should I address this misunderstanding with her, or hope it blows over?

— Misunderstood

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2. Dear Carolyn: I am in the middle of a divorce, and my 13-year-old son is being, frankly, a brat about it. I get that divorce is hard on kids, but it’s hard on the adults, too, and I’m losing my patience with him.

The big issue right now is we have both agreed that we will allow him to decide whom he’s going to live with during the week (he’ll live with the other on weekends). This decision needs to be made soon, and he is flat-out refusing to decide. My soon-to-be ex and I are both at a loss on how to get a decision out of him. Any suggestions?

— Divorcing

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Dear Carolyn: Is being truthful always the way forward? For the first 10 years of our committed relationship, my wife’s family disowned her and us because we are two women. We became parents through kin adoption, and the in-laws slowly forged a relationship with us and our kids. Our kids have deep, meaningful relationships with their grandparents.

We sent out a save-the-date for our 30th anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our marriage, and we want to do it with friends and family near and far. My in-laws informed us they have never believed in our marriage, because marriage is only between a man and a woman. They will not be coming. They told our kids (older teens, young adults) they won’t be coming because they have a long-planned trip across the globe.

In-laws have warned us that we will destroy the family if we tell the kids the real reason the in-laws aren’t coming. They aren’t wrong. Our kids would be devastated to know.

With the adoption and messy extended family, we have built a family based on truth and transparency. My kids would also be devastated if they knew we lied to them. Kids are pressuring us to change the date so grandparents can come. I really have no idea what I’m supposed to say or not say.

— To Tell or Not to Tell

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Dear Carolyn: For years, my oldest son and his girlfriend said they would never get married; she was against it. Then, five years ago, she relented and they got married, by all accounts happily.

They are financially secure: well-paying jobs, no debt on their advanced degrees, a rental property they own outright, a manageable mortgage on their home, late-model cars.

Indeed, my son and his wife have worked hard, but we and the in-laws have also provided our ongoing support.

But there is a rub: Our daughter-in-law steadfastly refuses to consider having children — and our son stands by her decision.

Her reason — or the reason they are standing behind — is climate change. In her opinion, it would be the height of cruelty to bring a child into a world that faces such an apocalyptic and nihilistic future.

I will grant you that our country has this and other major problems. But there is an existential question here: What have my and my wife’s lives amounted to, if we have not inculcated a basic will to survive to the next generation?

To make matters more complicated, they channel all their time and energy into biking, hiking, rock-climbing, kayaking, etc. We despair that our younger children will make the same lifestyle choices — especially under the influence of their older sibling.

To many observers, it would seem our kids have been spoiled. And on some level, that is true. But the urge to face an uncertain future and procreate in the face of adversity is supposed to be part of the human condition.

Every generation faces some dire threat. My father’s generation was told to go shoot Hitler. My generation learned to “duck and cover” to avoid nuclear annihilation. How can climate change be worse? Any advice?

— Despairing

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Help! My family is royally messed up!

Prince Harry shared a lot of family dysfunction in his memoir. The Washington Post podcast did a interview with Carolyn Hax where they posed some fictional letters for help from royal family members for her to give advice on. As per usual with Carolyn, good answers. I thought comm readers might be interested. 26 minutes.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/podcasts/post-reports/help-my-family-is-royally-messed-up/

Current Mood: flabbergasted

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Carolyn Hax: Hello, Whole Man Disposal Service?

This poor woman's partner is damned lucky to still be whole, is all I'm saying.

Dear Carolyn: Yesterday, I spilled a bunch of breast milk on the floor because I was pumping while simultaneously trying to clean up our living room during my lunch break from work. My husband got irritated at me about the spill, which came -close- to hitting his laptop (but didn’t!), and I was apologetic.

On reflection, though, I am furious about that interaction. I have the kind of breast pump that can be worn on the go, and the implication is that I can work while wearing it. But it’s not enough that I’m providing food for our baby while working a full-time job, I have to triple-multitask by trying to do housework during work hours because he never does.

And instead of noticing that I’m spinning so many plates that one came -close- to dropping, and offering to help, he snapped at me for the near miss.

Am I just spiraling, or do I have a point? And, is there any way to get this point across without just sounding like a harpy?

— Sigh!

( Sadly, murder was not on the list of suggestions. )

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dear carolyn

Dear Carolyn, my wife is a time waster

Dear Carolyn live Q&A: Productivity

( the marathon ready husband has Concerns )

Follow-up from LW

( follow-up )

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(no subject)

Dear Carolyn: My husband has self-esteem issues. He often has negative thoughts about himself, despite my constant reassurance.

His self-esteem issues impact our relationship. When I try to express my feelings or things I would like him to improve on, he gets very emotional and reacts like I’m telling him he is the worst person in the world. Recently, I told him how I would like his help more with our 1-year-old and gave specific examples, and he took it as saying he never helps or is a bad dad. I end up feeling terrible for making him upset and wishing I had just kept my mouth shut.

The problem is, we need to have these conversations to improve and grow as a couple and a family. How can I have them without him becoming upset?

— Hard Conversations

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Carolyn Hax: Puppy v. Parents

Hello, Carolyn: My kids have been asking for a dog for several years, and we finally got a family puppy. We love this dog more than we ever expected!

Unfortunately, we live about 600 miles from my parents, who want nothing to do with dogs. They do, however, want to spend time with us and often complain that we don't visit enough. They don't want to house our dog, which I understand, but we can't afford a hotel room or a kennel for all the trips they want us to make.

We can't seem to come to an agreement. I say they shouldn't try to guilt us for having a life outside of them. They feel we should have never gotten a dog knowing they live so far away and can't stand dogs. What do you think?

— A Dog Convert

A Dog Convert: I think what’s truly unfortunate is that your parents think your household is about them. Wow.

It’s also unfortunate they somehow have you thinking theirs is a normal set of expectations that, to some degree, you’re obliged to find ways to address.

There is no “agreement” here to “come to,” because your parents don’t have any say in how you run your own household. None. Zero.

They also don’t have any say in how often you travel to see them, except to let you know whether and for how long you are welcome. And to limit guests to human-only, which is totally their prerogative.

If they really do want to see you, and if they’re unwilling or unable to do the bulk of the traveling themselves, then they have incentives available to them that aren’t attempts to micromanage you. They could offer you kennel money, for example, or to pay for a hotel for visits both ways. They could just trust you to do your best to come see them. They could be such pleasant company that you stretch yourselves financially to travel whenever you can.

Apparently, instead, they skipped the first page in the Unwritten Manual of Hospitality, which notes in 72-point type that if you want to see people, then don’t complain about them, to them, with any frequency that can be described as “often.”

Seriously, parents. This is not a Zodiac cipher.

My advice to you is as follows:

1. Stop arguing with people about things that aren’t their business. Any and all people, but start with your parents.

2. Actually that’s it. See No. 1.

But there are a few other things to consider that can make it all easier. First, develop a canine network of care. People you meet through your dog who love dogs can be an excellent resource when you want to travel. You dog-sit theirs, they dog-sit yours, opportunities multiply like bald spots in your backyard.

Second, if this is but the tip of the guiltberg, then please run your family dynamic by a good therapist. Boundaries work.

Third, scritch that puppy. Except for the face they give you when they want a walk, they don’t do guilt. No wonder you’re a convert.

Fourth — and pardon the layman’s overreach — introduce yourself to Merrill Markoe: merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-you-my-explanation-of-narcissism. “It’s not enough for a narcissist to be the center of his own world, he must also be the center of yours.” Good dog. [Woof.]

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Carolyn Hax: Her husband isolated her. Post-split, will friends welcome her back?

Dear Carolyn: I am getting divorced; my husband walked out to move in with his girlfriend. I was totally blindsided.

During the early stages of our relationship, he asked that I cut off communication with almost all my friends from high school and college. I regret that I complied, and I also never set up Facebook — again, at his insistence.

Now I want to get back in touch with people — I am lonely as all heck — but I was the one who cut them off. Trying to explain sounds like I’m a bitter divorcing woman. Any ideas?

— Lonely

( Carolyn's response )

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Carolyn Hax: What if she’s only introverted around us?

Hi, Carolyn: My daughter-in-law has always been quiet and polite and acts like she needs a lot of alone time. I assumed she was introverted or shy and didn’t hold it against her.

I recently met a classmate of hers who described her as talkative and outgoing. Ever since then, I’ve felt resentful of how standoffish she is with me and my husband. I told her I’d met a friend who described her as very talkative, and she said politely and emotionlessly, “Yes, they’re a fun group.”

My husband said she’s two-faced and not worth the trouble, but I want her to open up to me. I know I shouldn’t feel so angry, but I feel like she pretended to be shy to avoid me.

Is there any way I can tell her that I want her to feel free to talk to me like she would a friend?

- Angry

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Dear Carolyn: Several months ago, my wife informed me she wanted to hire a house cleaner, saying she was tired of the mess, tired of feeling overworked and tired of fighting with me about chore division. A week later, a maid arrived at our house. I find it incredibly stressful. I worry that the maids aren’t careful with our things, that they might peek at our private documents, and that all in all this is a ridiculous expense ($300 a month!) that could better go elsewhere, though my wife said this is what she wanted to spend her entire annual raise on. When the maids leave, I’m fried, but I admit that my wife does seem much happier. I still wish she could just relax and lower her standards a little, but … am I the one who has to get over this?

— Fried

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Dear Carolyn: Eight years ago, my dad cheated on my mom and ended their marriage. A month after the divorce, my dad married his mistress. While her adult children were in the wedding party, neither my brother nor I were even invited. I didn’t meet her until a year later, when I was told she didn’t feel comfortable with me staying with them in the house I grew up in, and they demanded I leave. The one other time I have seen him in the years since, she insisted on chaperoning the visit.

Now my dad insists he wants a relationship with me, but he reaches out only sporadically, and only with superficial emails — updates on his favorite baseball team, etc. — as though nothing has happened. He rarely answers my calls, and when she is in the room, he will usher me off the phone as quickly as possible.

I have written him exhaustive emails telling him how badly he has hurt me and how I need more of a reckoning to move forward. These have been met with unwillingness to engage.

I am tired of being hurt and sad. I don't want to lose my dad forever, but I don't know how to reconcile if he doesn't want to put in any real effort. I live abroad, so a low-stakes in-person meeting isn't possible.

Is there a third option that is neither cutting him off completely nor accepting this status quo?

— Still Hurt

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ear Carolyn: My husband, "John," is the oldest of three children. His siblings, "Bill" and "Sue," both live where they all were raised. Both parents are in declining health. Over the years, Sue has taken on the lion's share of caring for them. She is a nurse, so a logical person to tend to medical issues, and now works in a high-pressure corporate job in the health-care industry.

Bill and his wife help out when specifically asked, but that is all. We have regularly sent money to Sue to help with expenses as we are more able to do so than she.

Mom and Dad tend to call on Sue, believing her work is less important and demanding than Bill's. Moving them out of their home is not really a possibility. They have recently agreed to have someone help once a week, but now Sue spends time managing her, so while she is relieved of some physical work, she is still involved.

Sue is about to change jobs, and is concerned she will no longer be as flexible as she has been to tend to her parents' needs. She has spoken with Bill and his wife, who have said they will try to help. When I suggested to my husband the three of them get on the phone together to come up with a plan, he told me it "wasn't his problem" and that he had too much else on his mind. Bill's attitude is similar.

I'm just a sister-in-law, so have no real say, obviously. But when I talk with Sue, as I do regularly to provide some emotional support, I can see she is at the end of her rope. She told me recently, in tears, that if she could pay $2,500 (the last amount we contributed to the parents' fund) to be free of her responsibility she would do it in an instant.

I feel terrible that she carries this burden, but don't know how I can help. The family does not communicate well. Years ago, I asked how my mother-in-law would manage financially if my father-in-law died. You'd have thought I was asking if it was okay to kill him. This head-in-the-sand approach may work for my husband and his brother, but it is obviously not working for Sue. Is there anything I can do?

— Frustrated

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dear carolyn

Carolyn Hax has definitely seen this play before

CW this husband is creepily controlling (link)

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Carolyn Hax: He’s estranged from his son but wants to meet his granddaughter

Hi, Carolyn: I have been estranged from my son for about 12 years; he refuses to have any contact with me. It was his decision soon after I divorced his mother.

Ironically, a few years after that, my son was divorced from his first wife. He is now remarried. I learned recently he and his second wife just had a baby, my granddaughter.

I am thinking of corresponding with his wife to convince her that I should be able to see my granddaughter. Such attempts could create friction in my son's marriage.

Should I try to convince my daughter-in-law that I should be able to see my granddaughter or just wait for a time my son might seek reconciliation?

— L.

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Carolyn Hax: Not Venting, Actually Asking

From today’s chat.

Q: Not Venting, Actually Asking

Dear Carolyn, My office moved to remote-only work about five weeks ago. In our last weekly team meeting, my supervisor issued a reminder that everybody be patient and understanding of missed deadlines on the part of coworkers X and Y, who have young kids at home. Her tone was lighthearted but she really meant it and I felt personally targeted because I have been known to send nudges when work comes in late and causes delays on my end. My supervisor's lighthearted "PSA" really ticked me off and I am trying to get a handle on my feelings. Yes, I get that this time is very difficult for people with kids -- I see reminders of this all the time. But as I see it, there is a direct line between having kids and the reality that they will be disruptive, and people ought to plan ahead for that. I do not have kids, and one of the reasons is that I am a terrible multitasker. I needed to be childless to find the success I wanted in this career. If I had cared more about having children than the career, I would have done so and not taken on work that had such strict deadlines. Under normal circumstances (everyone in the office), I don't feel this irritation but I am just wondering why exactly people with kids are being given a get-out-of-jail-free card as we are all trying to do our best work in the time of COVID.

( Answer from Carolyn )

Current Mood: irritated

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dear carolyn

Dear Carolyn - have you ever heard of nuance? No? Didn't think so

(https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/carolyn-hax-her-feeling-of-being-slighted-doesnt-pass-the-sniff-test/2019/12/05/cf17a47e-1153-11ea-b0fc-62cc38411ebb_story.html )

Dear Carolyn: I recently had cancer surgery with a number of complications, including severe asthma. It is triggered by, among other things, the slightest exposure to fragrances.

Months ago, my beloved partner of nine years and I scheduled a multiday visit with his brother and sister-in-law, at their invitation. They are very well-off and have a grand house in a beach community. Sister-in-law has been communicating often about how excited she is to have us as guests. We have stayed with them in the past, every three years for a brothers' reunion.

A few days ago, I recalled her flair for decorating includes bowls of potpourri, plug-in air fresheners, candles and a permanent holiday tree laden with scented ornaments. I contacted her and said I understood this might be perceived as a lot of drama, but I must avoid triggers that cause my airways to shut down.

Sis-in-law responded that we would be better off at a nearby hotel, so I can have a fragrance-free environment. In other words, she is not willing to remove her scented products while we are visiting, so I am now essentially disinvited. She did phrase it very nicely — with the exception of one slightly snarky comment about how it must be really hard for me to go anywhere these days.

My partner and I concluded that it makes the visit pointless. I would be stuck in a hotel room costing hundreds of dollars, unable to attend gatherings in their house with everyone else.

My partner told his brother we couldn't visit, and to get a sub for the three-day sporting event they were supposed to play in together. Brother really worked on my partner to make the trip, so he felt compelled to go, and off he went.

I am trying mightily to not feel slighted, without success. If the situation were reversed, I would certainly temporarily remove scented products.

How might I best view all this? There's another get-together there this summer.

— Feeling Excluded

Feeling Excluded: But . . . it really must be hard for you to go anywhere these days.

I say that snark-free. It’s an observation made in sympathy for how terribly limiting this can be.

That was my first thought while reading your letter.

And maybe I misread her intent, but my next thought was, your sister-in-law gave a pragmatic response to an impractical request. “Temporarily” removing scented products from a home heavily layered with them won’t create anything close to a “fragrance-free environment.” Remove every peel, fluff and pfft from the place and it’ll still stink for weeks.

You’ve conflated inclusion — which is realistic and deserved — with scent-purging, which is unrealistic.

Maybe if you say reality disinvited you, not your sister-in-law, that will help you not feel slighted.

Meanwhile, this is your partner’s family — his going solo was both unfortunate and appropriate.

But that also means you and he need to start brainstorming now, with another event always on the way: Different host? Same host, with gatherings off-site or outdoors? A resort? If you can get past taking personally what is meant logistically, then you’ll think and negotiate better.

It’s also okay to tell your partner this is for the brothers to figure out while you focus on getting well.

In fact, that’s exactly what I hope you’ll do.