Dear Carolyn, my wife is a time waster

[jadelennox]

Dear Carolyn live Q&A: Productivity

Prior to the pandemic, my wife (early 30s, both lawyers) had very busy schedules involving long working hours and frequent business travel, with weekends spent largely on family events and cultural activities. Once our respective firms sent us to work at home, we calculated that we would each have an extra 30+ hours a week in our schedules, even while still working full-time, due to not commuting, traveling or socializing in person. We promised each other we would use that time to be productive in ways our prior schedules did not permit. In the past 6 months, I have kept up my end of the bargain: I have read 25 biographies, developed decent conversational skills in two foreign languages, upped my running program to the point that I am marathon-ready, and started volunteering about 10 hours a week for voter registration advocacy, all while continuing to work at my full-time job. My wife has done...not so much - she has been reading fantasy novels, occasionally watching a History Channel documentary, and has generally used the time to "unwind." I have confronted her several times and she tells me she is "rejecting productivity culture" and that she doesn't feel like improving herself right now. The household basics are covered - we share pretty evenly in housework, cooking, and other practical matters - and she does exercise - but I'm getting increasingly frustrated - disgusted, even - that she would waste this gift of free time just to read books better suited for children and watch TV. I have asked her to get counseling and a depression evaluation but she has refused and thinks the was she is conducting herself is "fine." Do you have any suggestions, other than divorce?

---

A: Carolyn Hax

Divorce might be her best option, so do I have to leave it out?

People are different. People can be different and still be good. People can be different and still be worthy. They can have different needs, want different things, set different goals, have different levels of energy and ambition, evolve in different ways. If you can't love and respect someone who made the perfectly valid decision to reject "productivity culture," then maybe the most generous thing you can do is admit your heart isn't in the marriage anymore, thus freeing you both to discuss openly what you both want to do about that. I can't imagine anyone could be so awesome a catch that it would be worth not being loved or respected just to remain in that household.

Plus, if your definition of "improving" myself didn't include rest and good novels, then our differences would be irreconcilable.

Plus, if you looked down your nose at what I was reading, same.

But I digress. Neither of you is taking advantage of the other, neither of you is leaving an illness or bad habit unaddressed, neither of you is betraying the other. She's working, doing her share of chores, taking care of herself. "Fine" doesn't sound inaccurate at all.

You just don't like her--that's what you're saying, to my ear. So what else am I supposed to suggest? Language tapes over your home's speakers, like heavy metal outside an embassy in Panama?

— Sep 11, 2020 1:57 EDT

Follow-up from LW

Q: Productive Conversations

Hi Carolyn - I'm the lawyer-husband who wrote in some weeks ago about being frustrated that my wife (also a lawyer) wasn't taking better advantage of the extra time we had gained from not commuting and traveling for work to do more productive things, such as intellectual reading and more intensive exercise. We did subsequently attend a few sessions with a marriage counselor which were very helpful. In particular, we identified that a big part of the difference in how we wanted to spend leisure time was a direct result of the specific demands of our (paid) work. Although we are both lawyers, my work at the moment involves working on routine contracts, for the most part, that are not particularly intellectually challenging; on the other hand, hers involves clients who are much more emotionally demanding, plus high-stakes pro bono work with lifesaving implications - so she ends up feeling drained and wanting to take it easy during non-work time. Ultimately, we also figured out that I am just a person who likes to go on all cylinders all the time (which makes my current work all the more frustrating - although I'm glad to have it at a time when a lot of law firms have been doing layoffs), while she prefers cozy quiet time in her personal life. After the counseling sessions, we did decide to separate/divorce due to not really having compatible outlooks and priorities, but are doing so from a much warmer, friendlier place, without resentments and blame. At the core, we are just very different people, something that didn't really come to light while we were so, so busy finishing law school and singularly focused on building our careers, but the close quarters of the pandemic made it obvious that we would be happier going in different directions.

A: Carolyn Hax

Even an amicable divorce is grueling, so, I'm sorry you're facing that, though it sounds like the right thing for both of you. Thank you for the follow-up.

— Nov 20, 2020 2:44 EST

Comments

[azurelunatic]

YTA, LW.

I'm glad your soon-to-be ex-wife is free to enjoy herself more thoroughly.

[oursin]

'Dear Carolyn, My wife took this unexpected opportunity to engage in sensible self-care. I am unable to turn off my Protestant Work Ethic and therefore found ways to push myself.'

Have a nice burnout, if not an early heart-attack?

ETA: I'm not sure why biographies are that much more virtuous than fiction. I've probably read at least that many in the same period, if you count group bios, among much more misc reading. What's the betting they were all of Great Men?

[darchildre]

After many years of library work, I have definitely observed a Reading Morality Spectrum held by certain kinds of readers - they tend to think of themselves as reading for Improvement rather than enjoyment or any other reason. It goes like this:

Nonfiction about war/politics/business > other nonfiction > literary fiction/classics about men (ideally also about war/politics/business) > literary fiction about women > genre fiction of any kind > fantasy fiction specifically > horror fiction

Every time I tell a library patron who uses this scheme that I primarily read fantasy and horror, I can feel waves of judgement coming off them.



ETA - There is absolutely nothing wrong with reading anything you want - I don't want to imply any judgement of my own and if your own preference is for nonfiction about war/politics/business, that's cool. The judgement of other people's reading preferences that often goes hand in hand with using the above spectrum is the problem I have with it.

[oursin]

I think over the decades of Being A Reader I've osmosed these judgements! - tiresome things, 2 centuries after Jane Austen did the 'oh, it is only a novel!' defence of fiction. I cringe at all those exhortations to Read To Improve Yourself that seem to be written exactly for this kind of guy. And what is wrong with kicking back with bonbons and well-written froth?

[conuly]

Weird, my morality spectrum for reading goes in virtually the opposite direction. (Except where you have "horror" I place "YA and middle grade fiction" and then I have another slot afterwards for "graphic novels".)

But I don't judge. Not about this, anyway. Judging takes away from reading time.

[tielan]

I feel like I avoid this Reading Morality Spectrum because it's pretty much the opposite of what I enjoy.

Except for the horror fiction. I just don't like horror fiction because I don't get to sleep after reading it.

[minoanmiss]

Oh for the love of little green apples. Due to early uncontrolled exposure I am now allergic to the Protestant Work Ethic, and this husband is giving me a freaking rash. I find my sweeties' hobbies fascinating because they're the interests of people I love and I would never judge them for how they spend their leisure time (since they're, you know, not at Proud Boy rallies or suchlike bullshit). And letting go of/driving away someone I love because of that just seems... wasteful.

PS if you were really into self-improvement, dude, you could have taken the time to study up on something really life affirming like your oral technique.

[jadelennox]

PS if you were really into self-improvement, dude, you could have taken the time to study up on something really life affirming like your oral technique.

Ladies, Esteemed Enbies, and Gentlefolk, we have found this year's winner of the entire internet.

[legionseagle]

Seconded.

[legionseagle]

In particular, we identified that a big part of the difference in how we wanted to spend leisure time was a direct result of the specific demands of our (paid) work. Although we are both lawyers, my work at the moment involves working on routine contracts, for the most part, that are not particularly intellectually challenging; on the other hand, hers involves clients who are much more emotionally demanding, plus high-stakes pro bono work with lifesaving implications - so she ends up feeling drained and wanting to take it easy during non-work time.

It was at this point when my yell of "Yeet the bastard into the sun!" broke the sound barrier. That important bit of context (and dear God if that man has so little notion of the importance of context I hope the firm for whom he's working on routine contracts have very, very substantial negligence cover) can be compared and contrasted with this from letter one:

The household basics are covered - we share pretty evenly in housework, cooking, and other practical matters - and she does exercise - but I'm getting increasingly frustrated - disgusted, even - that she would waste this gift of free time just to read books better suited for children and watch TV. I have asked her to get counseling and a depression evaluation but she has refused and thinks the was she is conducting herself is "fine."

[melannen]

Yep. What do you bet the decision to split up was less about leisure time use than it was LW's difficulty accepting the fact that his wife works harder than he does?

[legionseagle]

And not just works harder, but on stuff which is clearly higher profile and is human-rights related or adjacent (I note that his first letter mentioned his volunteering with respect to voter registration but didn't initially mention her pro bono work with "life-saving implications." If she's already doing a lot of stressful pro bono stuff no wonder she didn't want to add any more.)

[castiron]

Hey, at least now she's removing one source of stress from her life!

[legionseagle]

I think she's going to buy boxed sets of all her favourite fantasy series, kick off her shoes and go, "Phew!"

[conuly]

The fact that he took the time to send in a follow-up is astonishing to me. I guess he does realize he sounded like a total asshole, but he doesn't seem to realize that he can't fix that now by trying to sound reasonable in the follow-up.

[jadelennox]

The follow up sounds so reasonable! And yet the original letter...is not that.

[purlewe]

This exploded on twitter last night for some reason and made me want to just find this woman, invite her to tea and some quiet reading time.

That being said some of the responses to it were right on the nose. One of them being "I am a man who can't control what my wife does and it is giving me feeeeeeelings" but then the followup shows those feelings are his lack of self esteem.

Many people compared him to the man who was angry his wife took her lunch hour to write a book.

Looks like his wife is an amazing person in several ways. Too bad he couldn't appreciate what he had.

[feldman]

She sounds like a catch! I'm glad she's rid of this pissy knot of unresolved job-frustration and death-anxiety, who thinks she's stealing water from his fields by living her life as if it's her own.

Seriously, though, if you're a guy who thinks of his wife as an accessory, or a junior employee, I can get how you'd feel entitled to direct her efforts. But this also feels like resentment that she has more career fulfillment, and doesn't need to keep proving her worth to herself; perhaps also loneliness that she doesn't share the same 'self-improvement' drive to make life worthwhile after logging soul-numbing billable hours all day.

[jamoche]

He'd hate me - I've spent Current Event downtime watching TV "suited for children". Hey, Amphibia has a better plotline and character development than a lot of stuff aimed at adults.

[conuly]

And I bet it almost never interrupts the action for another long fight scene or pointless sex shot.

[drglam]

There's another update, in which the letter writer has made excellent use of a chance for self reflection: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/02/11/live-chat-carolyn-hax/ (new letter is titled 'Overly "Productive" No More').

[firecat]

This makes me really happy.

[cereta]

Sounds like a happy ending to me.

BTW, did anyone else notice that none of LW's "self-improvement" revolved around being a better spouse?

I've been saying for years, usually in the context of reading so-called self-improving literature, that I spent my 20's doing a lot of "should." The reason I chose to work at a community college in the first place was so I could enjoy reading a Batman comic without a little voice telling me all the things I "should" be reading for research. So, yeah: fuck "should."