Estrangement!

[conuly]

1. Dear Eric: My brother has children with whom I was extremely close when he and his wife got divorced in 1989. He never supported his kids, never paid child support and drank away everyone’s money, including $20,000 in rehabs that my parents paid for.

My brother asked me if he could borrow $5,000, and he would start making payments to pay it back. For the sake of my niece and nephew, I loaned him the money. Unbeknownst to me, my brother was borrowing money from everyone in the family. Soon, everyone in the family found out what he was doing and cut him off.

Fast-forward to three years ago (I’m now 56, and my brother is 72), he reached out to me again. Not to borrow or pay back money, but to reconnect. Through our limited conversations, he keeps asking for my address or an invite to my house. I never extended the offer, and I did not give him my address.

Brother recently told me he has been sending $200 to $300 every couple of weeks to my niece, now 40, a divorced mother of one son. He is also putting several hundred dollars a month in a trust for her 9-year-old son. I told him, on several occasions, since he has money to spare, he can send me money each month to pay me back. He laughs and blows me off.

I’m extremely ticked off that he disregards the sacrifice I made.

I blew off my brother and the $5,000 years ago and I don’t care to rekindle relationships that have been dead for 35 years. What I want is the $5,000 repaid. I have two kids in college and I’m partially retired. I’m not charging him interest for the past 35 years, but I should. I don’t think I can be blunter with my request, nor because of the time that has passed, would I have legal recourse.

If you have suggestions, I would appreciate the help.

– 5k Would Make My Day

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2. Dear Annie: I never thought I would be in this position, but I have become estranged from my adult daughter. We used to be incredibly close. When she was younger, we had long talks late into the night, and we would laugh until we cried on road trips. I was there for every heartbreak, every success, and I truly believed we had a bond that would last a lifetime.

But over the past few years, things began to shift. She started pulling away and setting boundaries I did not fully understand. Small disagreements turned into long silences. One day, she stopped returning my calls. I reached out with cards, messages and birthday gifts for the grandchildren, but I rarely get a response. She has told me she needs space, but she will not say why or what I did to cause this distance.

I have apologized more than once for anything I might have done to hurt her, even though I do not know exactly what it is. I feel like I am grieving someone who is still alive. I miss her every single day, and the pain of being cut off from my grandchildren is almost too much to bear. I see photos online and feel like I am watching their lives go on without me.

I want to respect her wishes, but I am also holding on to hope that one day we might reconnect. Is there anything I can do to begin to repair this relationship, or do I need to accept that she may be gone from my life for good? -- Grieving the Distance

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3. Dear Annie: I'm struggling with how to move forward after my adult daughter, "Rachel," cut me off two years ago. We used to be close. I raised her as a single mom after her father left, and we leaned on each other through a lot. Things started to change after she got married. Her husband, though polite, has always kept a distance from me. I tried to respect that, but honestly I felt pushed out. It feels like the beginning of their relationship marked the end of ours.

Our last real conversation ended badly. I had asked if they would consider spending part of the holidays with me instead of always going to his family. Rachel got defensive and said I was making her choose. I said something in the heat of the moment that I regret: I told her she'd understand when she had kids of her own. She hasn't spoken to me since.

I've sent birthday cards, texts and an apology letter, but she never replies. I don't know if I should keep reaching out or give her space. I miss her terribly, but I also don't want to keep reopening the wound. How do I respect her boundaries without giving up hope? -- Left Behind in Louisville

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Meddling parents and inlaws

[conuly]

1. Dear Eric: We are retired grandparents to 7-year-old twins who live close by. We are delighted to help with kiddo chauffeuring, grocery shopping or anything else needed by two very hard-working parents.

Today after dropping off groceries, my wife noted that the refrigerator, in her opinion, had an unpleasant odor and was very quick to share her opinion with my son-in-law. She is also rather critical of many of his habits. And her opinions are not without merit. But my mother always said, "less said, better mended."

When I say to my wife, "too much mother-in-law," I catch hell.

I think something has to be said to mend this or should I just go back to my corner?

– Too Many Opinions

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2. DEAR ABBY: I lost my daughter to cancer five years ago. She was only 36. She left behind a husband and three children, ages 3, 5 and 7. While my daughter and her husband worked, I was their "nanny granny" five days a week. I would also take them overnight on weekends. More often than not, I had more waking hours with my grands than their parents did. We were extremely close and bonded.

After my daughter passed, my son-in-law asked me to move in to help. I was in a position to do so, and it went OK the first year. Then some cracks began to show, and we ended up having a huge fight over money (though it wasn't REALLY about money). After I said some horrible things about him on Facebook, he took the grands away from me. It has been two years, and I have begged his forgiveness to no avail. What can I do? -- MISSING THEM IN MARYLAND

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3. DEAR ABBY: I have a full-time job and am in pretty good health. I have one son, "Brian," who is married and has three children. My problem is that my son is often rude to me. I was a single mom who raised him on my own. I thought I was a pretty good mother. His wife is super sensitive to any comment I make and finds fault with almost anything I do. They spend a lot of time with her family and exclude me.

If I make a comment about Brian's wife, he gets mad and calls me hateful or rude. I have been good to both of them, helping in any way I can, yet they do not take that into consideration. Brian and I get into arguments over this. Sometimes I have gone overboard and told him he needs to figure out what his problem is with me. He never tells me why he behaves like this. They don't visit me or bring the children over. They say they are busy, but they always find time to visit her family, their cousins, etc.

Must I give up on having any kind of relationship with them? I love my son and would like to be a part of his life, but I don't think I should accept him being critical of me all the time no matter what I do. If I try to talk objectively with his wife, she says I'm trying to start something. Please help. -- HEARTBROKEN IN GEORGIA

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4. DEAR HARRIETTE: My family and I are gearing up for our annual family vacation. My oldest child is in a relationship and has been badgering me about wanting to bring his girlfriend. I would prefer not to bring her along on an intimate weeklong trip because I feel that her clothing can be rather revealing, and she doesn't seem shy about PDA. I have two much younger children, and I don't think they need to be exposed to that on their summer getaway. Besides, I don't plan to pay for some sort of couples' trip while the rest of us are trying to catch up and bond.

I shared my stance with my son and explained that it's OK for some things to be family-only, and he's now refusing to join us unless I extend an invitation to his girlfriend. My son is already away at college, so his younger siblings really cherish the time they spend with him on these vacations. I'm torn here. Are my concerns unreasonable? -- Vacation Ultimatum

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