(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Eric: My son and my niece had been friends since childhood but had a falling out about a decade ago. She confessed to him that she was cheating on her husband and thinking of leaving him and their 6-year-old daughter. My son suggested she talk to a professional before making a rash decision. She then bad-mouthed him to everyone else in the family and stopped talking to him for years.

Her husband was also cruel to my son at the time, though he didn't know about the affair.

After a few very awkward family holiday dinners, my son started to stay away if she was going to be there. This really upsets me, and I keep asking him to attend. I’ve also been asking him for years to reconcile with her, which just seems to make him more stubborn. It’s the only thing we fight about. What can I do to make him let this go?

— Caught in the Middle

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Holidays and holiday meals

[conuly]

1. Dear Prudence,

Since my mother-in-law retired to Florida five years ago, I have been saddled with the traditional Thanksgiving gathering because our home has four bedrooms and a large kitchen. My five in-laws and their families all live in much smaller places. Their offers to “help” don’t involve much beyond bringing a pumpkin pie they picked up at the supermarket.

The only exception was “Carissa,” my brother-in-law’s then-girlfriend and now new wife. Carissa is lovely, kind, and helpful. She’s also vegan. But she’s not preachy and was a professional chef. Seriously, her food is usually the first to go at potlucks and she even got my picky toddler nephew to eat tofu and veggies. They recently bought a new house and wanted to host Thanksgiving this year. Everyone was all for it, especially me. Then my brother-in-law said it would be all vegan and cooked by Carissa. So everyone lost their minds. They cried that it was tyranny and forcing an alternative lifestyle down their throats. They said it would ruin Thanksgiving.

I told everyone to stuff it and that if they wanted a traditional Thanksgiving, they should stay home and cook themselves—my husband and I would be enjoying Carissa’s fantastic feast. My husband reluctantly backs me up but everyone else is whining and crying about the “ruined” holiday, especially my mother-in-law. I pointed out that we have had ham, prime rib, and even chicken instead of turkey before on the holiday, and no one cared. Carissa is a much better cook than me and alternating holidays is more than fair. Or everyone could meet up at a restaurant and pay their own way. Carissa and her husband privately thanked me but are worried about causing a family feud. I think they are just full of hot air. If they can go to rival schools and cheer rival football teams, they can eat delicious vegan food once every few years. Call it my line in the sand. What do we do next?

—Tofu Turkey Day Please

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2. Dear Carolyn: I have a complicated relationship with my brother and his wife (mostly his wife). They have a 2-year-old son, and I adore my nephew. They live a plane ride away, and it can be hard to visit them. I work in education without remote work options and don’t get a sub during non-school breaks. (They both can work remotely when desired.) Also, my sister-in-law had a traumatic birth, and they had some marriage issues since, though apparently things are getting better. “Better” appears to be my brother going along with whatever she wants, but that’s another story.

My issue is with upcoming holiday time. Numerous times last year, I asked to visit. I was told it wasn’t a good time. They came this summer for my wedding and left a day early because my nephew wasn’t sleeping well (not uncommon for first travel, but cause for panic from my SIL). Now they say they will not come again “anytime soon.”

After some back-and-forth with them on plans that would mean my husband would not get to spend Christmas with his parents, who have health issues, I’m feeling angry at my brother and SIL for always bending plans to suit them and not caring about the effect on others. We have tiptoed around them for years (actually and metaphorically). Is there anything I can say that will make a difference?

— Complicated

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3. Dear Carolyn: My mom had this saying, “Least said, soonest mended,” and I’m wondering if it’s true with our daughter-in-law, “Lindsey.” My husband, younger son and I had Thanksgiving with my son “Todd” and his wife a few years back. Lindsey is a great cook and likes fancy food, so she made some unusual dishes: goose rather than turkey, for example. I loved it all, but my husband and younger son prefer familiar food and joked during the meal about all the “weird dishes.”

We are having Thanksgiving with them for the first time since then, and my husband and son promised to be more gracious since it was obvious Lindsey went to a lot of trouble.

Todd let me know he is responsible for the dinner this year, though he’s not much of a cook. This is fine, but I’m worried Lindsey was insulted last time and that’s the reason for the switch. Should we apologize? Or let it go?

— Anonymous

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4. I have a beautiful 1-year-old who is intolerant to dairy or soy (in all forms, even cross contamination). She also suffers from “complex” acid reflux, which has gotten so bad she has developed stridor. We are seeing multiple specialists about this and following their guidance, which includes both of us avoiding anything with dairy or soy in it, as we have done for 10 months.

Despite all of this, my mother believes that the intolerances don’t exist …and that I’m using them as an excuse not to visit on Thanksgiving. I offered to host and make food in a safe way, but I was told no and that I’m ruining Thanksgiving for my daughter by refusing to spend it with my family—awful things to say when I’m trying to keep her from getting sick.

The problem is, my daughter loves my mother and FaceTimes with her every night. She also absolutely adores my dad, who visits weekly. She would have a blast at my parents’ house seeing them, my sister, and all my cousins, and being the center of attention. I’m so conflicted. I can’t risk her getting sick because my mom won’t stop cooking with butter, but I also feel so bad that my daughter’s first Thanksgiving won’t feel like a holiday. What should I do?

—Intolerant Thanksgiving

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5. Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister-in-law has a severe eating disorder, which manifests itself as highly restrictive eating. She doesn’t recognize it as an eating disorder and claims she has “food sensitivities.” At first, she was just gluten-free, but she now avoids dairy, nuts, random unrelated meats, certain fruits, and some vegetables. She’s had allergy testing, but the doctors haven’t found anything. None of this generally upsets me, except I wonder what my obligations are over the holidays.

We are hosting 13 family members from both my and my husband’s sides. My husband’s family enjoys going out to dinner, but my brother says they can’t go out to eat because my sister-in-law is so sensitive to food she’ll get sick. If we cook at home, most people won’t be happy with the bland meals my SIL feels comfortable eating, such as unseasoned chicken baked with no oil or butter, salt, or pepper. What’s my responsibility to accommodate her unusual diet?

—Confused Hostess

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6. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: We are finishing our first year in our new house. We moved in a few weeks before we got married the week after Thanksgiving last year. So this will be our first married Thanksgiving and the first one our home is ready to host.

We asked both sets of parents to spend Thanksgiving with us. My in-laws said they will come for a couple days, but my parents said they wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my sister’s family. They have two kids, and it seems they get priority over us whenever both my sister and I ask my parents to come to our houses for a special occasion or for a visit. It happens every time.

I don’t want to come off as jealous because I love my sister and her family. I spoil my nephew and niece every chance I get. They were also invited to come to our house for Thanksgiving, but my sister says my brother-in-law is working the whole long weekend except for on the holiday itself, so they can’t make it.

We were going to make this not only a super special Thanksgiving, but also celebrate our first anniversary. Now it will be Thanksgiving Day with just my in-laws, and my husband and me for our anniversary.

I’m disappointed and hope we make everything work here at our house next year.

Do you think it’s too early to put in dibs on having the families all here next year, especially since I just found out we’re pregnant and next Thanksgiving would be our baby’s first one? --- WANT TO CELEBRATE HERE

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7. Dear Annie: I'd love your perspective on an issue I'm having with my adult daughter, who lives in another state. She visits every Christmas for several days but refuses to stay overnight at my home. She claims my guest room is too cluttered and noisy, or she offers other excuses for not staying. Instead, she rents an Airbnb for part of her stay and spends the other nights at her dad's house or with friends.

I've expressed to her how hurtful this is to me; it feels insulting and makes me feel unimportant. Her response is that she doesn't intend to hurt me, but she feels she should be able to stay wherever she prefers. What truly stings is that she doesn't seem to care about how her choice affects me, focusing only on her own comfort. She seems more self-centered than ever, and I'm struggling with this.

What are your thoughts on how I should handle this situation? -- Hurt by Adult Daughter

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