You know, LW, they do say the third time's the charm....

[conuly]

Dear Sahaj: My husband and I are an older couple (it’s a second marriage for us both), and we love each other and get along very well most of the time. My problem is that he has an annoying tendency to micromanage things that I feel are inconsequential, like how to carry out daily routines, household chores, the laundry and grocery shopping. He often says things like: “Use this pan to make the soup — not that one,” “Squeeze the toothpaste tube this way — not that way,” and “Don’t leave the bathroom door open a crack — close it fully.”

I’ve tried to get him to understand the concept of choosing his battles, but he just keeps micromanaging things every day until I blow up after several weeks, and we end up in an argument! I don’t think that he’s a total control freak, because he doesn’t try to prevent me from things like driving into town to meet a friend for lunch (we live in the countryside) or occasionally attending activities that interest only me. However, he often micromanages me after the fact by admonishing me for the price of gas or how I parked the car in the garage when I returned.

Today’s micromanaging episode inspired me to write. He’s responsible for laundry and — once again — he complained that I threw a sweatshirt in the basket only one day after he finished a load of laundry. He complained about the cost of electricity, water and detergent, but most of all how annoying it is that he can’t enjoy having an empty laundry basket for at least a week. I do re-wear my clothes many times before wanting them washed, but if I stain something I don’t feel comfortable wearing it again and feeling dirty or looking like a pig! These small but daily digs wear down my self-esteem and self-worth.

How can I get him to stop picking at me through micromanaging me and our lives without it ending up in an argument?

— Micro-Managed Wife

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Two letters on a theme

[conuly]

1. DEAR NATALIE: My husband cheated on me last year and is very remorseful about the whole thing. It was (supposedly) a one night stand that happened when he was away for work. We just had a baby and he said he felt “neglected” by me. Ever since then, I’ve been trying to move forward with my marriage, but find it very difficult to be intimate with him. The realization that he strayed so easily makes me very anxious about having any more children together. I worry that this pattern will continue and he’ll just expect me to deal with it. I know people would say, “Just leave him,” but I love him and our family. I don’t know how to get over this hurdle. He wants to make this marriage work and so do I. Any advice on how to get back the spark? –UNHAPPY WIFE

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2. DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are expecting our second baby this spring. I had a pretty traumatic birthing experience with the first one and I’ve been very apprehensive about being pregnant. On more than one occasion, he has told me I need to “get over it” and “stop complaining about it.” I almost died during childbirth. It was the scariest thing ever. On top of that, it took me almost two years to get back to my “pre-baby” weight. He asked me yesterday if it was “going to take that long” this second time around. I am so overwhelmed by my emotions, weight gain is the last thing on my mind. I also just wish he was more supportive and caring. My friends’ partners all seemed to embrace parenthood, but my husband hasn’t been as helpful. I’m not trying to complain, but I’m worried that with two babies and a full-time job as a teacher, my plate is going to be overloaded. He is a very busy lawyer, and keeps encouraging me to hire a nanny. The idea of someone watching my children really bothers me, though. Any thoughts? – NOT SUPPORTED

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Estrangement, semi-estrangement, and people who ought to be estranged

[conuly]

1. DEAR ABBY: I'm an only child (in my 30s now) who was raised by an emotionally and verbally abusive mother. When I wasn't her whipping post, I was an emotional crutch for her and had to assume parental tasks. Since I became an adult, she has violated my boundaries repeatedly. We just don't have a good relationship.

About 15 years ago, she injured herself at a friend's home and didn't seek medical care. She has used this injury as an excuse for not being able to do things over the years. I've wondered many times how bad it really is, or if she uses it as a reason to get others to do things for her.

Over the last six months or so, she has started doing less and less for herself. She expects my husband or me to drop everything and drive to her home to do whatever small task she has. She blames this old injury but still refuses to see a doctor for a possible better quality of life. She's fully convinced that an old friend is using black magic to make bad things happen to her.

I don't know what to do. I have no one to share the burden with. She berates my stepfather constantly, so his help is out of the question. Abby, I can't even talk to my mother about the weather, so how do I talk to her about my concerns? -- CORNERED IN KENTUCKY

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2. DEAR ABBY: While I was visiting my father-in-law, a heated conversation turned violent. My husband, "Rob," was helping his dad and a neighbor with a house project. When Rob's dad became upset at him, he lifted the power saw he was holding, turned it on and motioned toward Rob saying, "You're lucky I don't slit your throat." He said some other unkind things and we left. He has not reached out to my husband since, and Rob has deleted his phone number.

His dad sent me a text taking no responsibility for his actions and blaming Rob, which is why we have decided to cut ties for now. We have a teen daughter, and my father-in-law has also texted her. We do not want her around him, and Rob wants to instruct her not to respond. The day his father acted like this was also the one-year anniversary of the passing of his long-term girlfriend (who was more like a wife). Should we tell our daughter not to respond to his messages? -- THREATENED IN OREGON

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3. DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, our 40-year-old daughter, "Tanya," suddenly accused me of abusing her during her childhood. She also accused my husband, her dad, of enabling this abuse. Abby, the abuse never happened!

Could some therapist have planted these ideas in her head? Tanya has problems with alcohol (which she blames on me) and has been divorced from two wonderful men who she claims also abused her. She can't maintain friendships with women because as soon as they do something that makes Tanya mad, she cuts them off.

Our other daughter, "Nadia," is three years younger. She doesn't have an alcohol problem and has a great husband and a toddler. Tanya has cut her off as well and has never met her brother-in-law or nephew. Nadia says her childhood was idyllic. Neither child lives near us.

My husband is living with incurable cancer, which Tanya knew before she excommunicated us. I don't know if I should inform her when her father dies, or let her find out through others on Facebook. My husband and I and Nadia don't use Facebook, but relatives do, and I am sure they will make it known.

I am torn about this. Tanya has hurt all of us repeatedly for so many years that we all agree that life is more pleasant without her around us. However, I'm afraid not telling her will cause more problems. Advice? -- DAMNED BOTH WAYS IN ILLINOIS

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4. Dear Amy: My boyfriend of 10 years (with a few breaks) does not have a close relationship with his parents and really no relationship at all with his two siblings. Little things have happened through the years that have upset people, and no one ever communicates or makes up with each other. He also doesn't have good relationships with his young adult daughters. They seem to have chosen their mom over him.

I know it hurts him, but he doesn't feel he can do much about it. He does try to reach out, with little response from them. I have gotten really frustrated with how everyone acts and the horrible communication and how badly they treat him, so I completely stay out of it. I say nothing to any of them because I barely know them, anyway. Is that the right thing to do? The fact that he doesn't have a caring family hurts me, too.

– Sad Woman in AZ

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5. DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, my oldest son, a police officer, quit talking to us. We had no fights, no arguments -- he just stopped answering our calls, and I no longer was allowed to see my grandchildren. As the year progressed, he also alienated his sister and brothers. For the next three years, I continued trying to contact him or my daughter-in-law, who I also thought I was close to, but they wouldn't return my calls. Then they moved, and I had no new address for them.

Now, years later, my youngest son (also a police officer) has done the same thing! One minute, he was on the phone laughing and talking with us -- then he called back, yelling about sticking up for his ex-wife (who we don't talk to and NEVER disparaged) and hung up! I called him back and told him how disrespectful it was, and that we have had NO CONTACT with her. He, too, won't return our calls.

My oldest has been on steroids, and I believe my youngest may be taking them now. I have gotten over the loss of the oldest, as it has been eight years, but my baby is breaking my heart. Do I keep calling? He doesn't live here in town, but I could go to his home and try to reason with him.

My two other children are also stunned and hurt about how their brothers treat us. We have always been good parents. We had a loving family, filled with God and fun. I'm sure it's the steroids, but I still don't know how far to push it. It's like a switch just flipped in our lives. -- COMPLETELY THROWN IN NEVADA

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6. DEAR ABBY: My husband has a poor relationship with our son and his wife. They want nothing to do with him and don't want him around the grandchildren because of how he acts. My husband tells me I should stick up for him and tell them what they're doing is wrong, and that he would never do or say anything bad in front of the grands.

My son and his wife have made their decision. If I send them a text or visit them, it causes fights in our house because he is not welcome. Now my husband is demanding that I choose: Stand by him and have nothing to do with the kids, or choose the kids and have nothing more to do with him. How fair is it to have to make a choice like that? -- TORN IN FLORIDA

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