Wedding Invitation Snub

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My youngest daughter, "Marta," is beautiful and caring but intellectually challenged. I have always encouraged all my kids to do what makes them happy, and she is no different. A couple of years ago, she met a wonderful man through mutual friends, "Brian." After dating for almost a year, they married last fall. We could not ask for anyone more caring and giving. Brian makes Marta his first priority as a spouse, partner and friend in his life.

The reason I'm writing: My second-youngest daughter, "Elle," who is 27, is getting married this fall and wants to invite Marta but not Brian.

Elle and her fiance would have preferred to skip this whole ordeal altogether and just get married at the courthouse. But they are doing the wedding his parents want (spending money that is supposed to be saved for a down payment on a house, but I digress). Elle has been really stressed out about it from the outset.

They said that they are only inviting people they talk to regularly and that Brian isn't someone they talk to regularly.

Brian and Marta were already saving up money for both of them to go. Additionally, Marta is not capable of getting there herself because of her aforementioned disability. I said all this to Elle, but she still said Brian can't come. I said, "Then maybe we won't come, either, because it's not fair that you're treating your sister this way." Now Elle is not talking to me or Marta and blocked my number and my messages online.

Am I wrong here? I do understand that they haven't wanted the wedding from the beginning. But now that they're having one, I think it would be wrong to exclude her brother-in-law. Family is family, whether you talk every day or not. -- Wedding Woes

( Read more... )

Carolyn Hax: A parent pooh-poohs a non-parent’s sleep-deprivation

[beable]

Dear Carolyn: I have kids who are 8 months old and 2 years old, so when a childless friend told me she had been sleep-deprived, I just laughed and told her she doesn't know what sleep-deprived is. She didn't say anything about it in the moment, but then later sent me an email detailing health problems she's had related to insomnia and telling me she thought I was insensitive.

I replied, "You're acting like this is personal about you. I'm just telling you, no parent wants to hear a non-parent whine about not sleeping." She didn't reply to that and I had basically forgotten about it, but I saw her yesterday and she was very cold to me.

Do you think I should address this with her again? It's not that I'm unsympathetic if she's really having problems sleeping, it's just that it's fairly ridiculous for her to compare what she's going through to what parents of young children go through.

— "Sleep Deprived"

“Sleep Deprived”: Yes, so so ridiculous, because parents of young children are the only ones whose experiences are actually valid! Yes!

Are your kids named Holier and Thou?

Holy headsmack.

Not only were you awful to this friend, but you also took her patient explanation as an opportunity to be awful to her all over again! And you still don’t see it. You’re doubling down.

There is no suffering Olympics, no gold medal to be won, there is only suffering.

And I’m just telling you (ugh!) that no suffering person wants to hear another person dismiss their suffering as a ludicrous yeah-whatever WHINE. You called a sick friend a whiner. And you did this even though you presumably have firsthand knowledge that sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

But instead of tapping into that to feel some empathy for your friend, you used it against her. Hard.

Please lose the certainty of your place at the top of the experience mountain and work on your empathy skills, stat.

And “address this” with your friend “again” only if you’re prepared to deliver an abject and heartfelt apology for treating her pain as nothing more than the “ridiculous” pretender to your own.

You can tell her you responded so badly because you, too, are sleep-deprived and are clearly not at your best at putting 2 and 2 together.

This part is not necessary to my argument, but I will spell it out anyway: You are not sleeping well because you are caring for little people who do not yet sleep all night without needing your care. This is not only a choice you made, but also — in the vast majority of cases — a temporary state of things, after which you will be better able to rest. In other words, it is not your body betraying you to the point that it’s denying you your ability to do what you desperately need, and not responding to efforts to fix the problem, and with no end in sight. That’s your friend’s current status.

So scoffing at that? Gets a “wow.”