Carolyn Hax: A parent pooh-poohs a non-parent’s sleep-deprivation

[beable]

Dear Carolyn: I have kids who are 8 months old and 2 years old, so when a childless friend told me she had been sleep-deprived, I just laughed and told her she doesn't know what sleep-deprived is. She didn't say anything about it in the moment, but then later sent me an email detailing health problems she's had related to insomnia and telling me she thought I was insensitive.

I replied, "You're acting like this is personal about you. I'm just telling you, no parent wants to hear a non-parent whine about not sleeping." She didn't reply to that and I had basically forgotten about it, but I saw her yesterday and she was very cold to me.

Do you think I should address this with her again? It's not that I'm unsympathetic if she's really having problems sleeping, it's just that it's fairly ridiculous for her to compare what she's going through to what parents of young children go through.

— "Sleep Deprived"

“Sleep Deprived”: Yes, so so ridiculous, because parents of young children are the only ones whose experiences are actually valid! Yes!

Are your kids named Holier and Thou?

Holy headsmack.

Not only were you awful to this friend, but you also took her patient explanation as an opportunity to be awful to her all over again! And you still don’t see it. You’re doubling down.

There is no suffering Olympics, no gold medal to be won, there is only suffering.

And I’m just telling you (ugh!) that no suffering person wants to hear another person dismiss their suffering as a ludicrous yeah-whatever WHINE. You called a sick friend a whiner. And you did this even though you presumably have firsthand knowledge that sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

But instead of tapping into that to feel some empathy for your friend, you used it against her. Hard.

Please lose the certainty of your place at the top of the experience mountain and work on your empathy skills, stat.

And “address this” with your friend “again” only if you’re prepared to deliver an abject and heartfelt apology for treating her pain as nothing more than the “ridiculous” pretender to your own.

You can tell her you responded so badly because you, too, are sleep-deprived and are clearly not at your best at putting 2 and 2 together.

This part is not necessary to my argument, but I will spell it out anyway: You are not sleeping well because you are caring for little people who do not yet sleep all night without needing your care. This is not only a choice you made, but also — in the vast majority of cases — a temporary state of things, after which you will be better able to rest. In other words, it is not your body betraying you to the point that it’s denying you your ability to do what you desperately need, and not responding to efforts to fix the problem, and with no end in sight. That’s your friend’s current status.

So scoffing at that? Gets a “wow.”

Comments

[beable]

I lurv Carolyn's response soooo hard.

[dine]

I probably wouldn't have phrased things as politely, but I definitely agree with this awesome (and much deserved) smackdown.

[mommy]

This is solid advice that shines a spotlight on the Letter Writer's terrible assumptions.

I think the friend did a good thing by dropping her friendship with this Letter Writer. There are plenty of empathetic people in this world who won't belittle her for having insomnia, so there's no reason to continue associating with this hoity toity parent.

[korafox]

In addition to all the above points, the LW said "...it's just that it's fairly ridiculous for her to compare what she's going through to what parents of young children go through."

...it's entirely possible this was elided from the letter, but I don't think the friend actually did this? Pretty sure it was the LW who made that comparison?

Anyways, wow, and good on the friend for standing up for herself. I hope she has people in her life that actually support/empathize with her.

[minoanmiss]

*stands and applauds Carolyn*

[rymenhild]

So tired of parents keeping score against people without children. So very tired.

[shirou]

Holy cow, LW is awful. Is this letter real or a parody of parents?

I kind of get it. There are times I do not want to read comments by my non-parent friends about their pandemic hardships when they aren’t trying to raise kids who haven’t been in school and have barely seen their friends for almost an entire goddamn year. (Can you tell I’m stressed?) So I don’t—I keep scrolling and don’t read those comments. I certainly don’t yell at my friends or try to delegitimize their troubles. LW (if real?) is an asshole.

[beable]

I have had enough parent friends where I code-switched and elided over any exhaustion/energy deficiency difficulties in my life because of their attitude that without kids I can’t possibly understand that I absolutely believe that LW is real.

(And lest anyone romp on whether these are good friends, I am in fact mostly not unhappy to have been gracious enough to have done so, but I just also feels so heard by CH’s response)

[shirou]

Ugh, sorry you had to deal with that. I’m familiar with the propensity for casually trying to one-up one another, especially parents on sleep/exhaustion issues. LW just stuck me as extreme and weirdly insensitive, which is why it seemed a parody.

[lilysea]

Holy cow, LW is awful. Is this letter real or a parody of parents?

Since 2010/2011, I have had chronic fatigue bad enough that I hold on to walls walking around my house, and use a power wheelchair whenever I leave my house.

I need a shower chair to sit down to have a shower.

Sometimes I get too fatigued to understand other people talking or people on the TV talking - it becomes just sounds, not words.

DESPITE all this, on MANY different occasions I have had parents tell me "until you have a child, you don't know what being tired really is" or "don't talk to me about being tired if you don't have a child."

Um, if you can work 20 hours a week and don't need a wheelchair, you are less fatigued than me, child or no child.

[ekaterinn]

I had a parent friend apologise to me after laughing when I said I got very little sleep that night (she had said something similar to the LW, but then thought better of it). I appreciated the apology, but I don't think I will bring up any sleep problems with her again.

[ysobel]

In other words, it is not your body betraying you to the point that it’s denying you your ability to do what you desperately need, and not responding to efforts to fix the problem, and with no end in sight.

SO MUCH THIS.

Kids are exhausting, yes. My sister makes jokes about herself e.g. "me in college: grumbles about getting up at 8am for early classes. me now: yay, [3-yo] let me sleep in until 6!", but she doesn't compare her exhaustion (mostly-TAB single working mom of young kids) with mine (disabled and chronic pain) because they're both valid, and exhaustion is exhaustion.

And, I mean, it's *maybe* one thing to call out bad choices (someone repeatedly opting to stay up until 3am playing Candy Crush and then complaining about being tired) but even that is iffy because mental health is weird and sometimes bad choices are coping strategies. But medical issues are not a choice argh.

(Though as with some AITA posts, this is OTT enough that I half wonder if it's written by the friend...)

[ingridmatthews]

As a parent and an occasional insomniac myself, not having a reason for being unable to sleep for nights on end is a *whole lot worse* than being kept up by kids (who, contrary to popular myth, sleep quite a bit more than whiny parents say they do, just at inconvenient times.)

Dumbo Mom can always sleep when she's not on duty. The inability to sleep at any point for days/weeks on end is terrifying and stressful in unimaginable ways.

She needs to go back to bed and be thankful she's only kept awake because her kids are.

[cereta]

I've had a small child, and I've had chronic insomnia. LW can kiss my sleep deprived ass.

[swingandswirl]

Carolyn Hax has posted some terrible takes, but this is not one of them.

LW needs a sharp goddamned smack upside the head, and good on Hax for giving it to her.