Entry tags:
Dear Prudence:
Link.
Dear Prudence,
When I was growing up, my mother was the breadwinner while my father stayed home with us. It was always assumed that I, too, would be a “girlboss.” But I’ve had awful anxiety my whole life, and the idea of working outside the home overwhelmed me. It’s been a long journey for me to accept that I don’t need to earn money to be worthy.
I’m now a stay-at-home mom to two little boys, and we have a darling angel joining us this summer! My mother has been a tremendous help through my first trimester, and I feel truly blessed getting to see how happy and well-adjusted my boys are and thinking about how well-adjusted my daughter will be. Here’s where the problem comes in. I’ve seen how well-adjusted my kids are, and I know a HUGE part of that is my steady presence in the home. I’ve also been reading tons of parenting books about the importance of a healthy attachment in a child’s first three years to guarantee a healthy bond with the mother and emotional self-regulation. The more that I see the benefits of this in my own toddlers, the angrier I am with my mother.
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. I blamed it on unpopularity in grade school and a heavy course load in college. Since becoming a SAHM, I’ve noticed that my anxiety is as crazy as ever even on “easy” days. Meanwhile, my tots are anxiety-free. I’ve realized that my years of anxiety attacks and lying awake at night is because I didn’t have that secure attachment with my mother in my early years. Now, I have a great bond with my mother as an adult! We talk every day, and I absolutely could not have gotten through the first trimester of any of my pregnancies without her, much less the postpartum months. But I’m still resentful that my mother didn’t make me more of a priority so that I could be well-adjusted.
I don’t know how to bring this up with her. We’ve talked before about the fact that she should have spent more time with me when I was a kid. I know that she was raised in a very careerist world. She sees my staying home with my kids as a “choice” and has a very “you do you” attitude about it, but that’s not enough. She doesn’t understand that by making her work a higher priority than me, she set me up for a lifetime of anxiety and attachment issues. Should I bring this up with her at all, or should I accept my mother’s limitations?
—First Generation SAHM
Dear First Generation SAHM,
It’s normal to feel resentment toward a parent about the choices they made that affected your well-being, especially when those effects are so clearly felt as an adult. Now that you’re a mother yourself, I can imagine that it’s galling to consider what your own childhood could have been like if your needs had been better met. I do think there’s a time and place in the future for you and your mother to have productive, compassionate conversations about how you feel about your childhood and the way she raised you.
But I think you first need to examine and work through your anger and resentment with a professional—ideally, a licensed therapist who can help you vent, rage, and grieve to your heart’s content. Therapy can also help you manage your anxiety generally, too. If talking to a therapist is out of the question for now, I think you need some form of a supportive outlet, such as a friend who also has similar mommy issues or even an online support group of fellow young mothers. You need some space to dig through the years of emotions and memories that have curdled into this resentment on your own first before you are ready to discuss it with your mother. Give yourself a lot of time to do this; no one in the history of the earth has ever fixed their mother-daughter relationship overnight.
You’ll know that you’re ready to talk to your mom once you’ve arrived at a place where you can feel a little compassion and empathy for the way she made a tough choice to balance her own needs with that of her children’s. No woman ever gets it perfectly right; when you’re able to feel more accepting of your mother’s choices, it’ll be a good time to open the conversation.
—Delia
Dear Prudence,
When I was growing up, my mother was the breadwinner while my father stayed home with us. It was always assumed that I, too, would be a “girlboss.” But I’ve had awful anxiety my whole life, and the idea of working outside the home overwhelmed me. It’s been a long journey for me to accept that I don’t need to earn money to be worthy.
I’m now a stay-at-home mom to two little boys, and we have a darling angel joining us this summer! My mother has been a tremendous help through my first trimester, and I feel truly blessed getting to see how happy and well-adjusted my boys are and thinking about how well-adjusted my daughter will be. Here’s where the problem comes in. I’ve seen how well-adjusted my kids are, and I know a HUGE part of that is my steady presence in the home. I’ve also been reading tons of parenting books about the importance of a healthy attachment in a child’s first three years to guarantee a healthy bond with the mother and emotional self-regulation. The more that I see the benefits of this in my own toddlers, the angrier I am with my mother.
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. I blamed it on unpopularity in grade school and a heavy course load in college. Since becoming a SAHM, I’ve noticed that my anxiety is as crazy as ever even on “easy” days. Meanwhile, my tots are anxiety-free. I’ve realized that my years of anxiety attacks and lying awake at night is because I didn’t have that secure attachment with my mother in my early years. Now, I have a great bond with my mother as an adult! We talk every day, and I absolutely could not have gotten through the first trimester of any of my pregnancies without her, much less the postpartum months. But I’m still resentful that my mother didn’t make me more of a priority so that I could be well-adjusted.
I don’t know how to bring this up with her. We’ve talked before about the fact that she should have spent more time with me when I was a kid. I know that she was raised in a very careerist world. She sees my staying home with my kids as a “choice” and has a very “you do you” attitude about it, but that’s not enough. She doesn’t understand that by making her work a higher priority than me, she set me up for a lifetime of anxiety and attachment issues. Should I bring this up with her at all, or should I accept my mother’s limitations?
—First Generation SAHM
Dear First Generation SAHM,
It’s normal to feel resentment toward a parent about the choices they made that affected your well-being, especially when those effects are so clearly felt as an adult. Now that you’re a mother yourself, I can imagine that it’s galling to consider what your own childhood could have been like if your needs had been better met. I do think there’s a time and place in the future for you and your mother to have productive, compassionate conversations about how you feel about your childhood and the way she raised you.
But I think you first need to examine and work through your anger and resentment with a professional—ideally, a licensed therapist who can help you vent, rage, and grieve to your heart’s content. Therapy can also help you manage your anxiety generally, too. If talking to a therapist is out of the question for now, I think you need some form of a supportive outlet, such as a friend who also has similar mommy issues or even an online support group of fellow young mothers. You need some space to dig through the years of emotions and memories that have curdled into this resentment on your own first before you are ready to discuss it with your mother. Give yourself a lot of time to do this; no one in the history of the earth has ever fixed their mother-daughter relationship overnight.
You’ll know that you’re ready to talk to your mom once you’ve arrived at a place where you can feel a little compassion and empathy for the way she made a tough choice to balance her own needs with that of her children’s. No woman ever gets it perfectly right; when you’re able to feel more accepting of your mother’s choices, it’ll be a good time to open the conversation.
—Delia
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minoanmiss2025-03-04 10:31 amEntry tags:
Care & Feeding: My Partner's Son's Girlfriend's Kids ...
My partner moved in with me during the pandemic. She has two adult sons, both of whom were living overseas when we got together. Her son, “Zach,” has recently moved back to the States, is now living in our guest room, and is currently looking for a full-time job. He is fine. His current girlfriend is not. I hesitate to call her a single parent because I haven’t seen her parent her kids. They scream at the top of their lungs, hit each other, and get into fights over everything. They don’t wash their hands, cover their mouths, or bother to flush the toilet when they are done. “Please” and “thank you” might as well be foreign words. Their mother’s answer is to throw a tablet at them until they shut up. Whenever my partner or I try to intervene like separating the fighting kids into separate rooms, coaching them to clean up after themselves, or turning off YouTube, she perks up and tells us not to parent her kids.
Recently, we had company over and used the firepit I had in the backyard. The 8-year-old kept trying to toss random trash into the fire. No matter how many times I told him to stop, he would ignore me and start up again. The last time he tried, I grabbed his hand and forced him to dump the trash on the ground. So he bit me. I don’t have kids, but my grandniece is a toddler and she understands this is unacceptable. His mother was polishing down another beer when I went up to her. I explained what happened, and she started to rant about how I can’t touch her kid, I can’t talk to her kid, and screw me for telling her how to raise them. So I told her to get the hell out of my house. It caused a scene where Zach had to drive his girlfriend and her kids home because it was obvious that she was too drunk to. Zach apologized, but I told him that his girlfriend and her kids were no longer welcome in my house. He could go visit her instead.
This sparked a fight with Zach and his mother. They feel I am acting like an overbearing ass, and I am quick to remind them, “my house, my rules.” Zach is perfectly welcome to move out into his own place or in with his girlfriend. Everything is tense. My partner agrees that the kids are out of control and their mother doesn’t do anything about it, but she says I “escalated” things. We have been trying the soft pedal approach. It has gotten us nowhere. I love her, but it is crazy to expect us to tolerate this behavior in our own home. Zach is pretty far gone on his girlfriend, and I know my partner is wary of pushing it, but come on. I need an outside perspective here, please.
—Crazy Kids
Dear Crazy Kids,
It sounds like your partner wants the house to be a comfortable place for her son and his girlfriend’s children, regardless of what it costs you. Talk to your partner first and let her know that the last thing you’d want is to cause drama with her son, but explain to her why what his girlfriend’s kid did was so dangerous. Let her know that you have been as patient and understanding as you can be, but that it’s simply obvious that this woman won’t step up and adequately parent her children. Ask her to back you up when it comes to talking to her son; bring up some of the kids’ other noteworthy shenanigans to remind him just what you are dealing with. Let him know that if there’s a marked difference in these children’s behavior, they can be welcome in your home again. Stick to your guns and don’t let either of them convince you that you have to open your doors to kids who don’t respect you.
—Jamilah
Recently, we had company over and used the firepit I had in the backyard. The 8-year-old kept trying to toss random trash into the fire. No matter how many times I told him to stop, he would ignore me and start up again. The last time he tried, I grabbed his hand and forced him to dump the trash on the ground. So he bit me. I don’t have kids, but my grandniece is a toddler and she understands this is unacceptable. His mother was polishing down another beer when I went up to her. I explained what happened, and she started to rant about how I can’t touch her kid, I can’t talk to her kid, and screw me for telling her how to raise them. So I told her to get the hell out of my house. It caused a scene where Zach had to drive his girlfriend and her kids home because it was obvious that she was too drunk to. Zach apologized, but I told him that his girlfriend and her kids were no longer welcome in my house. He could go visit her instead.
This sparked a fight with Zach and his mother. They feel I am acting like an overbearing ass, and I am quick to remind them, “my house, my rules.” Zach is perfectly welcome to move out into his own place or in with his girlfriend. Everything is tense. My partner agrees that the kids are out of control and their mother doesn’t do anything about it, but she says I “escalated” things. We have been trying the soft pedal approach. It has gotten us nowhere. I love her, but it is crazy to expect us to tolerate this behavior in our own home. Zach is pretty far gone on his girlfriend, and I know my partner is wary of pushing it, but come on. I need an outside perspective here, please.
—Crazy Kids
Dear Crazy Kids,
It sounds like your partner wants the house to be a comfortable place for her son and his girlfriend’s children, regardless of what it costs you. Talk to your partner first and let her know that the last thing you’d want is to cause drama with her son, but explain to her why what his girlfriend’s kid did was so dangerous. Let her know that you have been as patient and understanding as you can be, but that it’s simply obvious that this woman won’t step up and adequately parent her children. Ask her to back you up when it comes to talking to her son; bring up some of the kids’ other noteworthy shenanigans to remind him just what you are dealing with. Let him know that if there’s a marked difference in these children’s behavior, they can be welcome in your home again. Stick to your guns and don’t let either of them convince you that you have to open your doors to kids who don’t respect you.
—Jamilah
Entry tags:
Care and Feeding: My Teen Just Blew Up at Me Over His “Right to Privacy.” Excuse Me?
Link.
Dear Care and Feeding,
A few months ago, I caught my 13-year-old son, “Daniel,” with a pack of cigarettes in his room. No idea how he got them, and he refused to tell me, instead insisting he had a “right to privacy,” which he knows is conditional on him behaving properly. That led to several arguments and him calling me some truly vile, misogynistic names.
I managed to secure a therapist who specialized in adolescent care, and the first appointment was three weeks ago. Only, I just got a call this afternoon from the therapist, who tells me that this probably won’t work out. All three occasions, Daniel has steadfastly refused to talk to him about anything more personal than the latest sports news. He is convinced that the therapist will report on anything he says to me, and refuses to talk despite him telling my son that their conversations are confidential.
The therapist offered to recommend Daniel to a colleague of his, but I don’t know if it will work any better. Clearly, his oppositional defiance, which is what I think this is, has gotten very advanced and very sudden. He used to be such a well-behaved boy. And I don’t know what’s gotten into him or how to fix it. Right now, I’m scrambling, and I don’t know what to do next. Where do I go from here?
—Getting Him Back on the Right Track
Dear Right Track,
Take Daniel’s therapist up on his recommendation; this person may be a better fit for your son, and you don’t want to give up on the therapy so soon. It’s not uncommon to try a few providers before finding someone who works. I think you want to diligently address his misogyny before it goes any further; read up on raising anti-sexist boys in a culture of toxic masculinity. Try Raising Feminist Boys and How to Raise a Feminist Son. Also, pay attention to the content he’s consuming and monitor his online behavior, as well as his communications with his friends; be on the lookout for incel/manosphere content. Many boys your son’s age are being indoctrinated by deeply misogynistic influencers and YouTubers.
When Daniel misbehaves, he should face consequences: loss of screen time, no outings, etc. In my opinion, a kid displaying this type of behavior should not have a cell phone, unless it’s a basic one for dialing in and out to his parents. Remain firm with him, no matter how oppositional he may be. Try not to let him see you frustrated or feeling out of control. Let Daniel know regularly that you love and care for him, and that you only want him to live a good life. Do some research in to raising oppositional children. Though he may not be diagnosed as of yet, you may still find Raising Children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder to be helpful. Be patient with yourself and with Daniel, and remain consistent with therapy. There may be a reason for his behavior that you would be unable to determine on your own.
Dear Care and Feeding,
A few months ago, I caught my 13-year-old son, “Daniel,” with a pack of cigarettes in his room. No idea how he got them, and he refused to tell me, instead insisting he had a “right to privacy,” which he knows is conditional on him behaving properly. That led to several arguments and him calling me some truly vile, misogynistic names.
I managed to secure a therapist who specialized in adolescent care, and the first appointment was three weeks ago. Only, I just got a call this afternoon from the therapist, who tells me that this probably won’t work out. All three occasions, Daniel has steadfastly refused to talk to him about anything more personal than the latest sports news. He is convinced that the therapist will report on anything he says to me, and refuses to talk despite him telling my son that their conversations are confidential.
The therapist offered to recommend Daniel to a colleague of his, but I don’t know if it will work any better. Clearly, his oppositional defiance, which is what I think this is, has gotten very advanced and very sudden. He used to be such a well-behaved boy. And I don’t know what’s gotten into him or how to fix it. Right now, I’m scrambling, and I don’t know what to do next. Where do I go from here?
—Getting Him Back on the Right Track
Dear Right Track,
Take Daniel’s therapist up on his recommendation; this person may be a better fit for your son, and you don’t want to give up on the therapy so soon. It’s not uncommon to try a few providers before finding someone who works. I think you want to diligently address his misogyny before it goes any further; read up on raising anti-sexist boys in a culture of toxic masculinity. Try Raising Feminist Boys and How to Raise a Feminist Son. Also, pay attention to the content he’s consuming and monitor his online behavior, as well as his communications with his friends; be on the lookout for incel/manosphere content. Many boys your son’s age are being indoctrinated by deeply misogynistic influencers and YouTubers.
When Daniel misbehaves, he should face consequences: loss of screen time, no outings, etc. In my opinion, a kid displaying this type of behavior should not have a cell phone, unless it’s a basic one for dialing in and out to his parents. Remain firm with him, no matter how oppositional he may be. Try not to let him see you frustrated or feeling out of control. Let Daniel know regularly that you love and care for him, and that you only want him to live a good life. Do some research in to raising oppositional children. Though he may not be diagnosed as of yet, you may still find Raising Children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder to be helpful. Be patient with yourself and with Daniel, and remain consistent with therapy. There may be a reason for his behavior that you would be unable to determine on your own.
Entry tags:
Care and Feeding: My Son’s Role in the School Play Makes My Flesh Crawl—but He Loves It
Link.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 14-year-old son, “Ed.” Ed’s in his school’s theater club, and they’re putting on production for the end of the year. Normally they do Shakespeare adaptations, but this year the club president decided to shake things up and they’re staging an adaptation of some old sci-fi video game, about a group of people (aliens, I suppose) trying to reclaim their homeworld after an exile. Ed is playing the senior fleet intelligence officer. I’ve been to a few of his practices, and the character he plays, as well as the degree he gets into character, is extremely disturbing. It’s this extremely cold, callous, ultra-professional in a very nasty profession sort of character. He has another character tortured to death and later relates it to the other bridge crew/major characters with a completely casual “Subject did not survive interrogation.” He pretty much never shows anything on his face when playing the part, and several of the other characters are noticeably uneasy around his.
I get that Ed isn’t the characters he plays. But the way he shifts into this character and holds that role makes my flesh crawl. I’ve seriously considered pulling him out of the theater club over this, although I haven’t pulled the trigger on that so far. Am I going too far with this? Ed would hate it if I yanked him out, but at the same time I am convinced that playing this character is unhealthy.
—Theater Trouble
Dear Theater Trouble,
I think you could have stopped at “Ed isn’t the characters he plays”! Making him quit the club seems like it would be a massive overreaction. If you find him disturbing in this role, don’t you think that probably just speaks to his ability as an actor? If the club had stuck with Shakespeare and put on Othello, would you force him to give up the role of Iago?
I’m guessing that Ed likes theater club or he wouldn’t be a part of it. Instead of freaking out and yanking him from the production, maybe ask him how he feels and how it’s been going for him. What does he think about the play? How does he feel about his character? What sort of direction or input is he getting from the club? What other sorts of roles would he be interested in down the line? Let him tell you about the experience; the good things he gets out of participating. This is one role in one play—you may not like it, but try to remember that he’s an actor playing a part and let him enjoy it.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 14-year-old son, “Ed.” Ed’s in his school’s theater club, and they’re putting on production for the end of the year. Normally they do Shakespeare adaptations, but this year the club president decided to shake things up and they’re staging an adaptation of some old sci-fi video game, about a group of people (aliens, I suppose) trying to reclaim their homeworld after an exile. Ed is playing the senior fleet intelligence officer. I’ve been to a few of his practices, and the character he plays, as well as the degree he gets into character, is extremely disturbing. It’s this extremely cold, callous, ultra-professional in a very nasty profession sort of character. He has another character tortured to death and later relates it to the other bridge crew/major characters with a completely casual “Subject did not survive interrogation.” He pretty much never shows anything on his face when playing the part, and several of the other characters are noticeably uneasy around his.
I get that Ed isn’t the characters he plays. But the way he shifts into this character and holds that role makes my flesh crawl. I’ve seriously considered pulling him out of the theater club over this, although I haven’t pulled the trigger on that so far. Am I going too far with this? Ed would hate it if I yanked him out, but at the same time I am convinced that playing this character is unhealthy.
—Theater Trouble
Dear Theater Trouble,
I think you could have stopped at “Ed isn’t the characters he plays”! Making him quit the club seems like it would be a massive overreaction. If you find him disturbing in this role, don’t you think that probably just speaks to his ability as an actor? If the club had stuck with Shakespeare and put on Othello, would you force him to give up the role of Iago?
I’m guessing that Ed likes theater club or he wouldn’t be a part of it. Instead of freaking out and yanking him from the production, maybe ask him how he feels and how it’s been going for him. What does he think about the play? How does he feel about his character? What sort of direction or input is he getting from the club? What other sorts of roles would he be interested in down the line? Let him tell you about the experience; the good things he gets out of participating. This is one role in one play—you may not like it, but try to remember that he’s an actor playing a part and let him enjoy it.
Entry tags:
Care and feeding: My son's pranks have gone too far
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 14-year-old son, “Toby.” Toby’s always been a jokester, and I don’t mean in the telling jokes sort of way: He’s frequently a class clown and someone who has to say or do outrageous things in any group to get attention. It was tolerable; despite his antics, his grades are good, and he usually knows how to toe the line and avoid serious trouble. Well, until yesterday.
I was expecting an important call from work, serious enough to take on a weekend. But I had a stomach issue and was in the restroom when the phone rang, so Toby picked it up. I was on the can for about 10 minutes and could hear Toby speaking to someone but not clearly saying what he was saying. I get out of the restroom and find Toby laughing his head off.
He had told my co-worker that she had called a murder scene, and he was the detective investigating and spent the call grilling her on how she “knew the victim” and asking for her input on whether she knew anyone likely to do this.
I got the phone back from him and straightened everything out with my colleague, or so I think. This has gone way too far. And I wish I could say I didn’t see the warning signs, but they were always there. Yes, I can be more careful about letting him get my phone, but the whole incident makes me realize I’ve been too lenient about these pranks, and they need to stop yesterday. Only, I’ve indulged them long enough that I’m not sure how to make an about-face work when he inevitably doesn’t want to go along. How do I change a significant part of his personality at this stage?
—Gone Too Far
Dear Gone Too Far,
You’re going to have to teach your son the difference between an acceptable prank, such as pretending to be a fast food restaurant when your sister calls, and an inappropriate one, like the one he did recently. Be honest with him about the fact that you let his shenanigans go on for too long, and that you regret not checking him sooner. When his antics cross the line, he should face consequences; loss of screen time is one that tends to resonate with kids his age. Talk to him about how his actions make people feel and ask him to consider how terrified your coworker must have been. Explain to him that pranks should be fun for everyone involved, not just the person pulling them. As a rule, if the target of his jokes can’t laugh along with them, then he shouldn’t proceed. Hold him accountable going forward, and don’t worry that you’re altering part of his personality; you’ll be helping him to improve his character.
I have a 14-year-old son, “Toby.” Toby’s always been a jokester, and I don’t mean in the telling jokes sort of way: He’s frequently a class clown and someone who has to say or do outrageous things in any group to get attention. It was tolerable; despite his antics, his grades are good, and he usually knows how to toe the line and avoid serious trouble. Well, until yesterday.
I was expecting an important call from work, serious enough to take on a weekend. But I had a stomach issue and was in the restroom when the phone rang, so Toby picked it up. I was on the can for about 10 minutes and could hear Toby speaking to someone but not clearly saying what he was saying. I get out of the restroom and find Toby laughing his head off.
He had told my co-worker that she had called a murder scene, and he was the detective investigating and spent the call grilling her on how she “knew the victim” and asking for her input on whether she knew anyone likely to do this.
I got the phone back from him and straightened everything out with my colleague, or so I think. This has gone way too far. And I wish I could say I didn’t see the warning signs, but they were always there. Yes, I can be more careful about letting him get my phone, but the whole incident makes me realize I’ve been too lenient about these pranks, and they need to stop yesterday. Only, I’ve indulged them long enough that I’m not sure how to make an about-face work when he inevitably doesn’t want to go along. How do I change a significant part of his personality at this stage?
—Gone Too Far
Dear Gone Too Far,
You’re going to have to teach your son the difference between an acceptable prank, such as pretending to be a fast food restaurant when your sister calls, and an inappropriate one, like the one he did recently. Be honest with him about the fact that you let his shenanigans go on for too long, and that you regret not checking him sooner. When his antics cross the line, he should face consequences; loss of screen time is one that tends to resonate with kids his age. Talk to him about how his actions make people feel and ask him to consider how terrified your coworker must have been. Explain to him that pranks should be fun for everyone involved, not just the person pulling them. As a rule, if the target of his jokes can’t laugh along with them, then he shouldn’t proceed. Hold him accountable going forward, and don’t worry that you’re altering part of his personality; you’ll be helping him to improve his character.
minoanmiss2025-02-12 03:50 pm
Entry tags:
Ask a Manager: update: I don’t want to babysit my brother in my office
warning: sexual harassment, narcissistic parenting, parentification. 
( Read more... )
( Read more... )Entry tags:
Care and Feeding: On Returning to the U.S.
Dear Care and Feeding,
We have a transgender kid (12) who is receiving puberty blockers. The new administration is going to try to coerce the only provider in our home state to shut down their pediatric gender-affirming care clinic. We are currently abroad for what was supposed to be a year, and while they have adapted pretty well, what our kid wants more than anything is to go home to their friends. But we have the possibility to stay here, and our sense is that being in a country that treats trans rights as human rights is a better long-term choice for our kid than trying to stick it out at home if we can’t get care. We know we are really lucky to have this option, but this is way beyond the other hard conversations we’ve figured out how to have with our child. If you had to break this news to a homesick kid, how would you do it?
—You Can’t Go Home Again
Dear You Can’t Go Home,
I’m really sorry that you and your family have to factor this into the decision of where to live. If I were in your place, I think I’d want to start by having some honest conversations with your kid about what’s going on at home, without focusing on the question of whether or not you’ll go back. You’ll face that choice soon enough, but your child might benefit from some time to hear and process what’s happening—and express whatever it is they’re feeling—before you all turn your attention to such a huge decision.
As for what to tell them, I think you can be honest and tell them that this administration is trying to make trans people’s lives harder in many ways, including by threatening the healthcare they need. (It’s unclear how far they’ll get, but we know they will keep trying, because, like transphobic losers everywhere, this is an obsession for them.) There are still many people here on your kid’s side, who support trans rights—just like there are people who love and care about all of you at home. You can remind your child of how loved and supported they are and will be, no matter where you live. It’s natural to be angry or alarmed or scared when your rights and identity are under attack, but nothing any bigot says can change the fact that they are who they are, and they are good. I really appreciated this essay by Raquel Willis in Teen Vogue—it may also give you some ideas of how your family can think and talk about what’s happening.
As parents, we never want our kids to be sad or afraid, but we can’t always prevent it. What we can do is let them know that they don’t have to feel this way alone—we’re going to be with them. Your child may still be homesick and want to move back after hearing how bad things are here. It’s ok for them to feel that way, to want to go home. Make sure they know that you’re focused on trying to do what’s best for them, and that they’re always allowed to express what they’re thinking. Ultimately, the question of where your family lives is a parental decision, but you can assure them that you’ll take their wishes into account, as well as their safety and wellbeing.
We have a transgender kid (12) who is receiving puberty blockers. The new administration is going to try to coerce the only provider in our home state to shut down their pediatric gender-affirming care clinic. We are currently abroad for what was supposed to be a year, and while they have adapted pretty well, what our kid wants more than anything is to go home to their friends. But we have the possibility to stay here, and our sense is that being in a country that treats trans rights as human rights is a better long-term choice for our kid than trying to stick it out at home if we can’t get care. We know we are really lucky to have this option, but this is way beyond the other hard conversations we’ve figured out how to have with our child. If you had to break this news to a homesick kid, how would you do it?
—You Can’t Go Home Again
Dear You Can’t Go Home,
I’m really sorry that you and your family have to factor this into the decision of where to live. If I were in your place, I think I’d want to start by having some honest conversations with your kid about what’s going on at home, without focusing on the question of whether or not you’ll go back. You’ll face that choice soon enough, but your child might benefit from some time to hear and process what’s happening—and express whatever it is they’re feeling—before you all turn your attention to such a huge decision.
As for what to tell them, I think you can be honest and tell them that this administration is trying to make trans people’s lives harder in many ways, including by threatening the healthcare they need. (It’s unclear how far they’ll get, but we know they will keep trying, because, like transphobic losers everywhere, this is an obsession for them.) There are still many people here on your kid’s side, who support trans rights—just like there are people who love and care about all of you at home. You can remind your child of how loved and supported they are and will be, no matter where you live. It’s natural to be angry or alarmed or scared when your rights and identity are under attack, but nothing any bigot says can change the fact that they are who they are, and they are good. I really appreciated this essay by Raquel Willis in Teen Vogue—it may also give you some ideas of how your family can think and talk about what’s happening.
As parents, we never want our kids to be sad or afraid, but we can’t always prevent it. What we can do is let them know that they don’t have to feel this way alone—we’re going to be with them. Your child may still be homesick and want to move back after hearing how bad things are here. It’s ok for them to feel that way, to want to go home. Make sure they know that you’re focused on trying to do what’s best for them, and that they’re always allowed to express what they’re thinking. Ultimately, the question of where your family lives is a parental decision, but you can assure them that you’ll take their wishes into account, as well as their safety and wellbeing.
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Dear Prudence: LW expected to care for her brother after mother's death
Older column, but hoo boy. Note: Letter is second in the column.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our early 30s and hoping to buy a house and start a family within the next few years, but we’re having trouble figuring out how to fit my brother into our plans. My brother has mental health struggles—primarily anxiety. My mother, who has similar struggles, has never wanted to force him to do anything that makes him anxious. Unfortunately, that has included never requiring him to see a therapist, so he is largely undiagnosed and untreated. He is 30 now, has never finished high school and has never had a job. He still lives with my mother and their relationship is unsettlingly codependent. She cleans up after him and is generally at his beck and call. That has always been their dynamic.
My issue now is that she expects me to take over for her after her death. I’ve always known that his care would be my responsibility eventually and my husband and I have discussed it extensively. Our position is that we will make sure he has a place to live, but if he lives with us he will need to be willing to move to wherever we live, coexist with kids if we have them, and maintain a reasonable level of cleanliness. (Ideally, we would also like him to go to therapy and register for disability.) If he doesn’t want to do that, we will happily help him find somewhere else to live. My mom thinks this is selfish of us. She doesn’t want him uprooted after her death and thinks we should move home to be with him. She also thinks he should have a say in whether or not we have kids. To us those feel like ridiculous asks, but her position is that he is family and as his sister I should prioritize him over our careers and any hypothetical future children.
I’ve attempted to talk with him directly, but he refuses to discuss it and will physically walk away from any conversation he doesn’t want to have. Our mom is in her 70s now, and the need to have a plan in place is feeling increasingly urgent. I worry that her complete unwillingness to put any expectations on him is going to make living with him miserable, and I am scared that her opinions (which she shares with him loudly and often) are going to color him and leave us living with someone who resents us. Am I being selfish here? Is there any hope for making our future living arrangements less of a mess?
—Selfish Sister
Dear Selfish Sister,
Your mom loves her son very much. Also, she is being ridiculous. Your willingness to let your brother—who has anxiety, which is treatable, and not a condition that makes him unable to care for himself—live with you if he meets certain conditions is extraordinarily generous. And … maybe unwise. Simply put, it sounds like he’s going to make you miserable. Think of the way he walks away from conversations that he doesn’t want to engage in? You realize he’s going to do that when you ask him to help with the dishes once a week, right?
You’re buying into the idea that responsibility for your brother will automatically transfer from your mother to you. By not questioning this, you’re being almost as codependent as she is. And you’re letting two people whose decision-making you don’t respect shape your family’s future. What if, instead, your mom’s eventual passing is a moment for your brother to take responsibility for himself? If you jump in and house him and take on the mother role—the role that you think has held him back so much—he is never going to have a reason to do the things you wish he would do.
Tell him (in writing if he refuses a conversation) that you’ve thought it over and because he is not in therapy and has not applied for disability, you’re not comfortable having him live with you. You can include information on all the resources he might need in his journey to independence, from sliding scale counselors to job training programs to support groups to local nonprofits that might help him identify affordable housing. And then stop. Don’t push. Don’t ask for updates. Don’t go back and forth with your mom. Your mantra is “They are both grown-ups. They’re making their choices and I’m making mine.”
I’m not pushing tough love as a full solution to your brother’s problems, I’m not naive, and I know that it’s really hard to survive in this country and you probably won’t be able to live with yourself if he doesn’t have a roof over his head. But he should try—and come to you, adult-to-adult, with a proposal about how living with you will look, if he’s unable to make it work—rather than being handed over like a small child in a custody exchange.
Your mom’s role as his caregiver obviously doesn’t look appealing to you. So taking it on should be an absolute last resort.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our early 30s and hoping to buy a house and start a family within the next few years, but we’re having trouble figuring out how to fit my brother into our plans. My brother has mental health struggles—primarily anxiety. My mother, who has similar struggles, has never wanted to force him to do anything that makes him anxious. Unfortunately, that has included never requiring him to see a therapist, so he is largely undiagnosed and untreated. He is 30 now, has never finished high school and has never had a job. He still lives with my mother and their relationship is unsettlingly codependent. She cleans up after him and is generally at his beck and call. That has always been their dynamic.
My issue now is that she expects me to take over for her after her death. I’ve always known that his care would be my responsibility eventually and my husband and I have discussed it extensively. Our position is that we will make sure he has a place to live, but if he lives with us he will need to be willing to move to wherever we live, coexist with kids if we have them, and maintain a reasonable level of cleanliness. (Ideally, we would also like him to go to therapy and register for disability.) If he doesn’t want to do that, we will happily help him find somewhere else to live. My mom thinks this is selfish of us. She doesn’t want him uprooted after her death and thinks we should move home to be with him. She also thinks he should have a say in whether or not we have kids. To us those feel like ridiculous asks, but her position is that he is family and as his sister I should prioritize him over our careers and any hypothetical future children.
I’ve attempted to talk with him directly, but he refuses to discuss it and will physically walk away from any conversation he doesn’t want to have. Our mom is in her 70s now, and the need to have a plan in place is feeling increasingly urgent. I worry that her complete unwillingness to put any expectations on him is going to make living with him miserable, and I am scared that her opinions (which she shares with him loudly and often) are going to color him and leave us living with someone who resents us. Am I being selfish here? Is there any hope for making our future living arrangements less of a mess?
—Selfish Sister
Dear Selfish Sister,
Your mom loves her son very much. Also, she is being ridiculous. Your willingness to let your brother—who has anxiety, which is treatable, and not a condition that makes him unable to care for himself—live with you if he meets certain conditions is extraordinarily generous. And … maybe unwise. Simply put, it sounds like he’s going to make you miserable. Think of the way he walks away from conversations that he doesn’t want to engage in? You realize he’s going to do that when you ask him to help with the dishes once a week, right?
You’re buying into the idea that responsibility for your brother will automatically transfer from your mother to you. By not questioning this, you’re being almost as codependent as she is. And you’re letting two people whose decision-making you don’t respect shape your family’s future. What if, instead, your mom’s eventual passing is a moment for your brother to take responsibility for himself? If you jump in and house him and take on the mother role—the role that you think has held him back so much—he is never going to have a reason to do the things you wish he would do.
Tell him (in writing if he refuses a conversation) that you’ve thought it over and because he is not in therapy and has not applied for disability, you’re not comfortable having him live with you. You can include information on all the resources he might need in his journey to independence, from sliding scale counselors to job training programs to support groups to local nonprofits that might help him identify affordable housing. And then stop. Don’t push. Don’t ask for updates. Don’t go back and forth with your mom. Your mantra is “They are both grown-ups. They’re making their choices and I’m making mine.”
I’m not pushing tough love as a full solution to your brother’s problems, I’m not naive, and I know that it’s really hard to survive in this country and you probably won’t be able to live with yourself if he doesn’t have a roof over his head. But he should try—and come to you, adult-to-adult, with a proposal about how living with you will look, if he’s unable to make it work—rather than being handed over like a small child in a custody exchange.
Your mom’s role as his caregiver obviously doesn’t look appealing to you. So taking it on should be an absolute last resort.
Entry tags:
Children have opinions, news at 11
How do we get our 4-year-old to stop negotiating and respect our rules?
Hi Meghan: My 4-year-old is pushing boundaries, as she should. She’s also a fast learner. She’s taken to turning the same approaches we use on her back on us.
For example: She would not go into her room at bedtime. Parent said if she did not go into her room, she would lose one minute of screen time the next day. A few minutes later, she said if parent did not do something they had already said we would not do, parent would lose five points tomorrow. Funny, usually. But not when we say “I’m asking you to do X” or “I need you to do Y” and the response is often “No, I’M asking you to do [some unacceptable thing].”
How do we balance respecting her right for autonomy and her (frankly very good) negotiation techniques with the need for her to respect rules and do what we say when necessary?
— Mini-negotiator
Mini-negotiator: Negotiation requires not just talking through something but compromising on what you want. Sure, you can have some discussion with a 4-year-old, but compromise? That requires a good bit of maturity and the ability to consider another person’s viewpoint and, it turns out, 4-year-old children aren’t so hot at that.
( Read more... )
Hi Meghan: My 4-year-old is pushing boundaries, as she should. She’s also a fast learner. She’s taken to turning the same approaches we use on her back on us.
For example: She would not go into her room at bedtime. Parent said if she did not go into her room, she would lose one minute of screen time the next day. A few minutes later, she said if parent did not do something they had already said we would not do, parent would lose five points tomorrow. Funny, usually. But not when we say “I’m asking you to do X” or “I need you to do Y” and the response is often “No, I’M asking you to do [some unacceptable thing].”
How do we balance respecting her right for autonomy and her (frankly very good) negotiation techniques with the need for her to respect rules and do what we say when necessary?
— Mini-negotiator
Mini-negotiator: Negotiation requires not just talking through something but compromising on what you want. Sure, you can have some discussion with a 4-year-old, but compromise? That requires a good bit of maturity and the ability to consider another person’s viewpoint and, it turns out, 4-year-old children aren’t so hot at that.
( Read more... )
minoanmiss2024-10-25 10:02 am
Ask Amy: Protective Husband Seeks Advice
Childbirth, mental health, reader MOST impressed ( Read more... )
( Read more... )Entry tags:
WTF is this person's problem!?
DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been feeling concerned about my teenage daughter lately. She's started spending time with a new group of friends who are really into extreme sports like skateboarding and parkour. This is a big shift from the activities we've always encouraged, such as volunteering and participating in community events. Last night she mentioned planning a parkour session at an old factory, and it made me uneasy. I'm worried about the risks involved and how this new interest might pull her away from the values we've worked hard to instill. I know that today's generation seems to have different sensitivities compared to ours, and I'm reluctant to simply forbid her from pursuing her interests. I want to discuss my concerns with her, but I'm not sure how to approach the conversation without pushing her away. How can I express my worries while remaining supportive and keeping our lines of communication open? -- Concerned Parent
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Parents I think I dislike very strongly
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 12-year-old who lives for choir and musical theater. She’s been taking piano lessons for four years and has never really been into it the way she is into singing.
She loves to play the piano, but she hates having to practice. I want her to keep taking piano lessons, because 1) It’s such a good companion to the choir stuff (if she decides to do music for a living, she’ll have a head start with already knowing piano and being able to read music—something they don’t study in her choir) 2) we have asked both our kids to pick and stick with a musical instrument and an organized sport or physical activity, and she has no interest in another instrument (or a sport for what it’s worth); 3) we believe strongly in the benefits of musicianship and of needing to practice and work at something. It also bothers me that her main argument for quitting piano is that her teacher makes her keep her fingernails shorter than she’d like them to be. I’m sure there are other reasons, but she’s a tween and that’s all she’s said out loud. In pretty much every other extracurricular, we’ve let the kids choose whether to participate and how much. Am I making my kid miserable because I regret quitting piano as a child? Is it reasonable to ask that the kids play music whether they want to or not?
—To Quit or Not to Quit
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2. Dear Care and Feeding,
We have an 8-year-old daughter, “Jess,” who does a lot of extracurricular activities. She loves what she does, tries hard, and is relatively successful at them (she represented her school for athletics, she plays the piano well, she’s at the top of her class academically, and she has won a couple of local dance competitions). We have always encouraged her to try different things and will support her as long as she puts in lots of effort (never a problem). Jess has a close friend at school, “Mia,” who has quite a few overlapping activities. Mia’s parents’ motivations are quite different from ours.
They are highly competitive and have openly said that they are pushing Mia into all of these activities to get scholarships. Mia has an elaborate schedule for study, sport, and practice of instruments. There is a strong emphasis on coming in first in everything, and unfortunately, since our daughters share so many activities, Jess seems to have become a benchmark for Mia. When we socialize with the parents, they are incredibly supportive of Jess, always mentioning how well she performed and complimenting her work ethic, etc. It does come across as a little disingenuous, and they seem to be fishing for “tricks”—how we get Jess to study and train—but at least it is positive feedback in front of Jess. Unfortunately, Mia doesn’t have much of a social filter yet, and the messages she must be getting at home have turned her into the very definition of a bad sport. When Mia wins something, she will go on and on about how she is much better than Jess at whatever they were doing. When Jess wins something, she gets a breakdown analysis about why Mia “actually won” or “should have won” and Mia makes it clear Jess wasn’t really deserving of the win. This often comes with a blow-by-blow account about how their family had gone over video footage to determine that Mia was actually better. This has escalated in the last six months, and now we’re at the point that, after competitions that Mia has not even entered, she will provide commentary about how Jess did not deserve to win. To top it off, she has started to exclude Jess from social groups, and she has begun bullying Jess when she does well at something at school.
Jess would be happy to cut ties with Mia, although she is concerned about the social implications at school. She has voiced her sadness about how her friend does not support her and seems jealous all the time. What I want to know is this: Do we leave it at that? Helping her/supporting her in distancing herself from Mia, acknowledging that this is a toxic friendship, and moving on? Or should we talk to Mia’s parents about her behavior? If I were them, I would be horrified by what my daughter was saying and doing. She is certainly revealing a lot more than is probably intended from family discussions. I’d love to let them know exactly what Mia has been saying, and I wonder if we could mitigate the behavior with a little bit of parental intervention. I would hope that maybe we could at least limit the extent to which Mia excludes Jess at school. So should I say something? If so, what? I have no idea how to tell them that I know about all the negative things they have been saying behind our backs.
—Not That Competitive
( Read more... )
I have a 12-year-old who lives for choir and musical theater. She’s been taking piano lessons for four years and has never really been into it the way she is into singing.
She loves to play the piano, but she hates having to practice. I want her to keep taking piano lessons, because 1) It’s such a good companion to the choir stuff (if she decides to do music for a living, she’ll have a head start with already knowing piano and being able to read music—something they don’t study in her choir) 2) we have asked both our kids to pick and stick with a musical instrument and an organized sport or physical activity, and she has no interest in another instrument (or a sport for what it’s worth); 3) we believe strongly in the benefits of musicianship and of needing to practice and work at something. It also bothers me that her main argument for quitting piano is that her teacher makes her keep her fingernails shorter than she’d like them to be. I’m sure there are other reasons, but she’s a tween and that’s all she’s said out loud. In pretty much every other extracurricular, we’ve let the kids choose whether to participate and how much. Am I making my kid miserable because I regret quitting piano as a child? Is it reasonable to ask that the kids play music whether they want to or not?
—To Quit or Not to Quit
( Read more... )2. Dear Care and Feeding,
We have an 8-year-old daughter, “Jess,” who does a lot of extracurricular activities. She loves what she does, tries hard, and is relatively successful at them (she represented her school for athletics, she plays the piano well, she’s at the top of her class academically, and she has won a couple of local dance competitions). We have always encouraged her to try different things and will support her as long as she puts in lots of effort (never a problem). Jess has a close friend at school, “Mia,” who has quite a few overlapping activities. Mia’s parents’ motivations are quite different from ours.
They are highly competitive and have openly said that they are pushing Mia into all of these activities to get scholarships. Mia has an elaborate schedule for study, sport, and practice of instruments. There is a strong emphasis on coming in first in everything, and unfortunately, since our daughters share so many activities, Jess seems to have become a benchmark for Mia. When we socialize with the parents, they are incredibly supportive of Jess, always mentioning how well she performed and complimenting her work ethic, etc. It does come across as a little disingenuous, and they seem to be fishing for “tricks”—how we get Jess to study and train—but at least it is positive feedback in front of Jess. Unfortunately, Mia doesn’t have much of a social filter yet, and the messages she must be getting at home have turned her into the very definition of a bad sport. When Mia wins something, she will go on and on about how she is much better than Jess at whatever they were doing. When Jess wins something, she gets a breakdown analysis about why Mia “actually won” or “should have won” and Mia makes it clear Jess wasn’t really deserving of the win. This often comes with a blow-by-blow account about how their family had gone over video footage to determine that Mia was actually better. This has escalated in the last six months, and now we’re at the point that, after competitions that Mia has not even entered, she will provide commentary about how Jess did not deserve to win. To top it off, she has started to exclude Jess from social groups, and she has begun bullying Jess when she does well at something at school.
Jess would be happy to cut ties with Mia, although she is concerned about the social implications at school. She has voiced her sadness about how her friend does not support her and seems jealous all the time. What I want to know is this: Do we leave it at that? Helping her/supporting her in distancing herself from Mia, acknowledging that this is a toxic friendship, and moving on? Or should we talk to Mia’s parents about her behavior? If I were them, I would be horrified by what my daughter was saying and doing. She is certainly revealing a lot more than is probably intended from family discussions. I’d love to let them know exactly what Mia has been saying, and I wonder if we could mitigate the behavior with a little bit of parental intervention. I would hope that maybe we could at least limit the extent to which Mia excludes Jess at school. So should I say something? If so, what? I have no idea how to tell them that I know about all the negative things they have been saying behind our backs.
—Not That Competitive
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