Entries tagged with miss manners

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From yesterday's Miss Manners:

Dear Miss Manners: The other night, around 6 p.m., my mother-in-law came to our house without a call or text. Just randomly showed up and started talking to us in the dining room.

I was in the middle of cooking dinner, and had timed it so that I could do other things while the food was in the oven. However, that was interrupted when she came by.

After 15 minutes, I took the food out, added sauce and put it back in for an additional 5 minutes. She saw me do this, and instead of leaving since it was clearly our dinnertime, she pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down! I'm not sure how she failed to read the room.

What is the best way to let her know, without seeming rude, that she should call or text before just popping in?

MM: This was not just any guest, and the term mother-in-law carries often-unjust overtones that are irrelevant to your situation.

If your husband's mother wants to drop by unannounced and stay for dinner, and your husband is unwilling to toss her out, you are stuck. But Miss Manners does not see why this should ruin your night.

Set her a place at the table. After dinner, she can sit with the rest of the family while you go about your evening. If she is still around when the kids go to sleep, your husband can sit with her while you catch up on work — or on a good book.

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Short and ... uh ... well, short

Dear Miss Manners: Is there a proper way to let someone know of my feelings for them? Does a proper courtship have to, at least initially, be hinted at and read between the lines?

Despite the appeal of love at first sight, Miss Manners would think that a declaration of love would be more flattering when you have gotten to know something about the person.

But this is not the Lovelorn Department, so she consulted her dear friend Stendhal, who declares in his book “On Love” that it is doubt that fuels love — and certainty that cools it.

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Wedding booze

Dear Miss Manners: Our daughter is getting married in about six months. My husband and I told her that we would help out financially, and have contributed a significant amount thus far. She and her fiancé have to cover some of the costs, as well. The groom’s parents are not contributing anything toward the reception.

My daughter doesn’t share the same etiquette as I do on certain things. She balked at our wanting to invite seven friends, but then I found out that she invited about 40 more guests than originally planned. She will give all of her guests a plus-one, but was reluctant to do the same for her one aunt.

She chose to have a destination wedding that’s about 90 minutes away from our city. In our area, wedding receptions include an open bar, but she told me that they will only have an open bar for three hours, ending with a cash bar. We offered to pay for the additional hour, as we feel like you should provide for your guests, especially if you are asking people to travel out of town for your wedding (and possibly expect them to pay for lodging for the night).

She won’t hear of it. Their logic for not having an open bar for the full evening is that the groom has one friend who might drink too much. (Just don’t invite him?)

We are feeling a lot of frustration, as she doesn’t accept any suggestions from us and feels that she knows everything. Another relative did this to her parents: insisted that she knew everything, and then ran out of wine right after dinner. Our daughter has told us that she won’t repeat that behavior, but she is showing all the signs of doing just that.

Am I out of touch, or out of line, in wanting to provide an open bar for the guests? I see it as a courtesy, and if we are willing to pick up the additional $7 a person, it is worth it.

MM: Just because someone is paying for a wedding does not mean that their decisions should dominate, Miss Manners has often said. But just because they are the parents does.

Your daughter’s rejection of your generosity is baffling. And her logic that the drunk friend will drink less for the one hour that he has to pay for it is even more so. If your daughter is truly concerned about the well-being of this gentleman, then offer to close the bar and shut down the party entirely after three hours.

Faced with the prospect of ending the festivities early, Miss Manners feels fairly certain she will come around.

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An appalling claim of dinner-host 'etiquette'

Dear Miss Manners: I sent out a dinner invitation to my in-laws. My brother-in-law called my husband to confirm attendance. He added that he will be bringing his boyfriend, and will require certain food accommodations because the boyfriend was just discharged from the hospital a couple of days ago after a major organ transplant surgery.

I decided to cancel the dinner, telling my husband that it is rude and entitled to inconvenience your host. If one is that delicate that he needs special treatment, then he should stay home. My husband says I’m being too sensitive and should just ignore the request. What does Miss Manners think?

That someone should be checking in on the boyfriend who just had a major organ transplant?!

Miss Manners has sympathy for the rampant abuse of hosts when it comes to inviting extra people and dictating menus. But she does not cancel dinners over them — and not for legitimate excuses such as bringing an established partner and asking to accommodate his post-hospitalization diet.

Not only are you being too sensitive, you are being actively insensitive. But you may take comfort in knowing that your husband's idea to ignore the (likely) medically necessary dietary request may actually be worse.

(Gift link to the full column)

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Miss Manners: Remote work has destroyed my dating life

Actual headline: Work-from-home employee mourns missed chances to meet women

Dear Miss Manners: You’ve always advised against mixing social life with work, although I’m not sure why. And now I read that the generation entering the workforce agrees with you, and is not particularly interested in having work friends.

Hey, I miss my office friends now that we're working from home! Work was also where I met women. I met my ex-wife at a previous job. (Sure, we all know you're not supposed to date at the office, but we all do.)

I like my job, but the higher-ups are okay with people coming in just once or twice a week. So when people do come in, they need to spend the time looking like they’re really working, if you know what I mean, and not being friendly like we used to.

Frankly, I'm lonely a lot of time, and I bet I'm not the only one. I tried going to coffee shops where people work during the day, but they're all pounding away on their laptops or yapping on the phone. I can't just break in and get acquainted.

What do you suggest? I’m tired of having only virtual “friends,” who are probably not even who they say they are.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: worried

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Miss Manners: Do I Need To Respond To Awful Letters From Strangers?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct response to a critical unsolicited letter? ( Read more... )

Current Mood: surprised

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food,
miss manners

Miss Manners: i have no recipe to give

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Two letters on guests and prayer/church

1. Dear Miss Manners: I am expecting houseguests, and their visit will include a Sunday morning. Normal Sunday mornings for us include a church service; we only stay home if someone in the house is ill or the roads are unsafe due to weather.

Our guests will be invited to join us at church, but if they decline, ought I stay at home with them? Or is it acceptable to leave them at the house with a generous supply of coffee, pastries and the Sunday paper?

( Read more... )

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2. Dear Amy: All of the kids in our family were brought up with religion not being a part of our lives. We are all over 60 now and recently my wife and I were invited over for Easter dinner at my sister’s place. Suddenly, my brother-in-law starts saying grace. It’s not important to me, so I just sat there. After dinner was over, my sister said to me, “You could at least have bowed your head.”

Religion was never a part of our family and I felt it wrong for her to all of a sudden expect me to have to bend to their new beliefs. I don’t care if they say grace, it’s just not my thing. Your thoughts?
— No Grace for Me

( WTF Amy )

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miss manners

Miss Manners tells it like it is

( Several letters )

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...huh?

Dear Miss Manners: My son is getting married next year to a lovely person with whom I have a good relationship. They are currently perusing venues, although they are unsure how many guests they will invite. Would it be poor manners to send them a possible guest list for my son’s side, with tiers of importance — such as aunts/uncles, then cousins, and so on — so they can see what they’re in for if they move to the next tier?

My husband says they should just invite whom they feel closest to, but I see a problem with that — for example, if they choose three cousins but not all five. My heart tells me it is their wedding and they can do what they want, but I’m not sure I can deal with the fallout of hurt feelings for the next 20 years if they decide to be choosy.

To whom did your husband offer his advice? If it was only meant for you — as a way of saying that the time for parental advice has passed — Miss Manners must disagree with him.

If it was meant for your son, then we instead disagree on what constitutes good parental advice. Your son should be warned, if he does not already know, that you will not be the only one who has to listen to 20 years of hurt feelings if he distributes invitations capriciously. As to ranking the relatives, this is best done verbally; if such a list were to be written down and inadvertently forwarded, 20 years would be a light sentence for the resulting storm.

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(no subject)

[I don't agree with MM that the two are the same -- surely the equivalent of "gift reaction/thanks" is "dinner reaction/thanks"?]

Dear Miss Manners: I must admit I’ve never understood etiquette’s requirement to invite people to one’s home after being invited to theirs. When my spouse and I host, we feel that it’s our idea — nobody asked us to make a dinner and invite the group. We enjoy cooking and spending time with everyone.

Is it not improper for hosts to expect that they will be “repaid” with invitations from their guests?

Your statement is akin to the frequently argued one that people should give presents because they really want to, and therefore responses from the recipients are unnecessary. So only selfish people feel the need for positive reactions from those they entertain or send presents.

Evidently, you do not care whether the presents were successful, or if your guests liked you enough to initiate seeing you again. Most of us do. Miss Manners can think of hardly anyone — or even any business — not wishing, if not clamoring, for “likes” and feedback.

However, reciprocating hospitality does not necessarily involve duplicating the original scenario — what you characterize as repayment in kind. People entertain in different ways, and an invitation to a picnic or a bistro would be full reciprocation for a formal dinner.

What is important is what it says: “We were not just looking for a free night out. We enjoyed ourselves and want to see you again.”

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food,
miss manners

It must be nice not to have any serious problems to worry about!

Dear Miss Manners: I’ve had just about enough of a certain action I see at parties: I feel it’s absolutely rude to decline a piece of the cake. Sorry to all who think “politely declining” is polite. Take a piece of the darn cake and throw it out later if you can’t eat it. If you’re full, dieting, diabetic or even allergic, just graciously accept it and the host will move on happily.

The cake is made with all the guests in mind, and that costs a lot of time and money. And if, like me, there’s no medical reason not to eat it, taste a piece for good luck. What is your professional opinion?

( Read more... )

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not helpful but I cackled

Dear Miss Manners: My 10-year-old grandson decided to have his stuffed animals — a raccoon, a monkey, a bunny rabbit and an octopus — “spy” on me. They are put in places where they can “watch” me. (I should add that the animals do not have any embedded cameras or recording equipment.)

My wife of 40 years goes along with this. I put the animals away, but she brings them back, maybe even hiding them better.

I have never seen this issue addressed before. How do I get my grandson and wife to stop having these animals spy on me? I am 67 years old, a retired attorney and a minister. I do not need watching!

MM: The monkey says otherwise.

[link]

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Crime and etiquette

AAM: My coworker is vandalizing my car (letter #2)

Another employee and I work for the same company but at different locations. I noticed strange things happening to my car when I go to the store. My car is getting keyed and nails are forcefully in my tires when I go in the building. When I return, I always find something wrong with my car. I decided to put cameras in my car and I caught this other employee doing more crimes to my car. Do I come forward with the footage and show it to the manager? Is this a fireable offensive for the employee that’s been doing it to my car?

( Read more... )

Miss Manners: I’m fairly certain my mother-in-law is stealing from her company. Do I turn her in?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law works for a company by ordering products and shipping things out. For several years, I’ve noticed she will spend the company’s money on herself. She pays for shipping her Christmas gifts with the company account, and her house is furnished with their “damaged goods.”

I’ve mentioned to her that I thought she could get in trouble if they caught her, but she is a fierce know-it-all type. The more it happens, the less I like her. What she does is simply wrong, and I don’t know how to look the other way.

Do I need to just turn my head, or is it OK to reach out to her company?

( Read more... )

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Miss Manners: People don't say "Good Morning" when texting

Dear Miss Manners: When texting or emailing friends or clients, I often start off with “Good morning” or “How are you?” and end with “Have a great day.”

I always get short, right-to-the-point answers back, like “Okay,” and they don’t usually start with “Good morning” or end with “Have a good day.” So sometimes, I sarcastically reply “Good morning to me, too,” which I know people don’t like.

Am I too sensitive? I am old school and I just think people are being rude. They can say a little more than “Be there” or something like that. Maybe my expectations are too high and I won’t expect as much anymore.

Miss Manners: An excess of sensitivity would not be the diagnosis from Miss Manners after you admitted to the sarcastic barb. In the hope of preventing the next one, let her point out that different methods of communication carry with them different expectations about brevity.

While she agrees it would be unmannerly not to say hello to someone to whom you have just been introduced in a social setting, she would prefer to dispense with the prelude when warning someone about a fast-approaching car. Texts fall somewhere in between.

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Miss Manners: Calling the police on neighbors doesn’t count as ‘ignoring’ them

That was the actual headline.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our new neighbors are well-known for being troublemakers. We are maintaining a cold and distant relationship with them, due to their famously disrespectful ways, and we have already been warned they are gossiping about us because of this.

I had to request intervention from the police due to them constantly blocking the entrance to my garage. I need to know if there is something polite I can write in my social media feed, which they follow, to the effect of, “The original homeowners are always remembered for their excellent behavior, respect, good boundaries and friendly relations -- things that the new owners are completely lacking.”

We are ignoring them, but they haven’t forgotten my call to the police and are constantly gossiping that we are the bad ones.

( Read more... )

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Miss Manners or That Bad Advice?

Dear Miss Manners: I have been friends with a woman for almost 15 years. We are part of a group that often gets together for game nights, and we also celebrate important days in our lives.

On her last birthday, I offered to take her out to dinner, something we have done for both of our birthdays every year. She responded by saying she wants to take a break from seeing all the people in the gaming group until further notice. Our other friends say they still see her, but she refuses to see me or respond to my texts or emails. I am confused and bewildered about why she has ended our friendship. Our other friends aren’t sure why she made this decision.

I would apologize, but don’t know what I did to create this chasm between us. After no response to two emails and a letter where I expressed a desire to talk through what is going on, I don’t know what else to do. Should I just accept the end of our friendship and move on? Even if she eventually reaches out, I am hurt and confused and not sure how to respond.

It is too soon to give up, if only because you admit the possibility that you may have done something that requires an apology. The question is, what?

Contrary to what you have been told, your other friends — at least some of them — do know what happened. They just (understandably) do not want to be put in the middle. Ask them again, one by one, until one confesses, reports your question back to your longtime friend or persuades you they truly don’t know. The most likely outcome is that you will learn something that will inform you of what to do next.

Current Mood: amused

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miss manners

Miss Manners: My friend has a large nude painting of herself on display

Dear Miss Manners: Some good friends of ours, a husband and wife, have a painting of the wife in their living room. The painting is a nude from her much younger days. It is not erotic, but it is very large and very explicit and detailed. She is looking at the viewer with a direct challenge.

When we visit, we are always taken to this room. I’ve asked to go to another room or to the garden, but my hostess says she loves to entertain in that room because of the sea view, which it does have.

It does not seem there is any polite way to avoid the giant nude, short of not visiting at all. Can you think of a way?

Many social situations require one to ignore the obvious; this is called tact. Miss Manners would have thought this was one of the less unpleasant of such situations, as you will be able to have a good snicker about it in the car on the way home.

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Miss Manners: Christmas (Only) with the In-Laws

Dear Miss Manners: My daughter informs me that after a couple marries, they are required to spend every Christmas with the groom’s family, rather than alternating, as was the practice before the wedding.

Is this an American tradition — or any, for that matter? I am not familiar with this “requirement.”

Neither is anyone else, except your daughter’s in-laws.

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miss manners

Miss Manners: I have nicer things than my friends. Is it rude to wear them?

Dear Miss Manners: I’ve known my current friends since college — over 25 years. These days, my income is much greater than theirs.

I bought a luxury watch, car and other expensive goods, but I never wear or use them when I’m with my friends, who do not have such things. I’d like to wear my watch, but don’t want to flaunt my income or be a jerk. What is the proper etiquette?( Read more... )