Entry tags:
...huh?
Dear Miss Manners: My son is getting married next year to a lovely person with whom I have a good relationship. They are currently perusing venues, although they are unsure how many guests they will invite. Would it be poor manners to send them a possible guest list for my son’s side, with tiers of importance — such as aunts/uncles, then cousins, and so on — so they can see what they’re in for if they move to the next tier?
My husband says they should just invite whom they feel closest to, but I see a problem with that — for example, if they choose three cousins but not all five. My heart tells me it is their wedding and they can do what they want, but I’m not sure I can deal with the fallout of hurt feelings for the next 20 years if they decide to be choosy.
To whom did your husband offer his advice? If it was only meant for you — as a way of saying that the time for parental advice has passed — Miss Manners must disagree with him.
If it was meant for your son, then we instead disagree on what constitutes good parental advice. Your son should be warned, if he does not already know, that you will not be the only one who has to listen to 20 years of hurt feelings if he distributes invitations capriciously. As to ranking the relatives, this is best done verbally; if such a list were to be written down and inadvertently forwarded, 20 years would be a light sentence for the resulting storm.
My husband says they should just invite whom they feel closest to, but I see a problem with that — for example, if they choose three cousins but not all five. My heart tells me it is their wedding and they can do what they want, but I’m not sure I can deal with the fallout of hurt feelings for the next 20 years if they decide to be choosy.
To whom did your husband offer his advice? If it was only meant for you — as a way of saying that the time for parental advice has passed — Miss Manners must disagree with him.
If it was meant for your son, then we instead disagree on what constitutes good parental advice. Your son should be warned, if he does not already know, that you will not be the only one who has to listen to 20 years of hurt feelings if he distributes invitations capriciously. As to ranking the relatives, this is best done verbally; if such a list were to be written down and inadvertently forwarded, 20 years would be a light sentence for the resulting storm.
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Well, does a wedding belong to, say, the two people getting married, or are they merely an excuse and conduit for a family-reaffirming celebration which ultimately has very little to do with the actual marrying couple? Also, has the best man sharpened his sword recently and at what risk is the bride for being kidnapped?
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splorf
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As a practical matter, they should probably wait until they know whether this is even a question: how many relatives do the son and his intended plan to invite? There's no point getting into an argument about whether the people getting married can invite only some of their aunts, if they have already decided not to invite any.
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Like it's quite likely Son also knows the family well enough to do the math himself, or else does not care because he's more interested in seeing friends than if second cousins are mad, but I don't see the harm in offering at this point. As long as you're offering, not dictating!
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Basically if I was planning a wedding I absolutely would ask my mom who she thinks I would be expected to invite at any given wedding size, early in the planning, and also how many of them would expect an invite but definitely not come (and tbh she would probably have to ask her sister for help) and I'd be glad for the offer.
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I have cousins and great aunts and uncles that I literally only met because of family celebrations such as weddings and bnei mitzvot.
Now in the age of things like Facebook I get to stay more connected with some of them, but it’s not that weird to have cousins you’ve barely met on your wedding or bar/bat mitzvah list.
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My grandmother is the keeper of the family tree in her gigantic family, a role that has been handed down to my mother and to me. I can't count how many times my mother has been busy with something and one of her closest cousins has said to me, "now, tell me again, sweetie--uncle x has four kids? five kids? oh, that's right, little y! Is y married? where do they all live then?" And that's their own cousin, only my cousin once removed (but it's my job).
For "we're throwing a barbecue" this is idle conversation, you invite the people you're close to. But for a wedding or a funeral, the people who are taking me aside to ask these questions would not hurt their cousins for the world. Even if they can't remember their names or how many of them there are.
Also there can be social minefields around asking part of a family and not another part. Most westerners understand this culturally as "it's okay to go for a walk with your friend and not ask their spouse but you don't invite your friend to your wedding and not ask their spouse." But depending on the subculture that sort of thing can feel equally rude to people with asking one cousin in a sibling group but not their younger sibling, or asking the cousins from one aunt but not another.
The old expression "a gentleman never offends accidentally" can really apply here: it's better to let him know what's out there and then let him decide how he wants to play it. If his answer is "I never liked Cousin Mopey and I'm not inviting them to my letting, let Auntie Tantrum have a shitfit if she wants," that's a valid answer--but it's a very different answer from "I didn't even think about Mopey, I didn't think Auntie would care one way or the other, I could easily have invited them if I'd given it a minute's thought."
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"I know you're looking at venues. It's hard to guess how many people you'll have without actually creating a tentative guest list. Would you like me to send you a list of family members so you can start thinking about whom to invite?"
Then organize the list into objectively named groups, e.g. cousins, instead of subjective tiers.
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Because Miss Manners is right: LW doesn't want to deal with the fallout of hurt feelings for 20 years, and probably has up until this point done a fair amount of standing between family drama and her son (even if only because the son is likely still on the young side). The son should be aware that if his invite list upsets his relatives, Mom isn't up for being the bulwark.
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