In which Harriette needlessly advises the LW to be polite to jerks

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 23-year-old woman facing a dilemma within my friend group of four. Our group consists of two girls, including myself, and two guys. The other girl in our group enjoys wearing a significant amount of makeup. I don't mind this, as I believe everyone has the right to express themselves in a way that makes them feel confident and beautiful. However, our male friends consistently give her a hard time about her makeup choices. They go as far as telling her to take it off, claiming that she looks ugly with it on. This situation makes me uncomfortable, and I'm unsure about how to address it. I believe everyone has the right to make their own choices regarding their appearance without facing judgment from others. How can I approach my male friends to express my concerns about their comments without causing unnecessary conflict within our friend group? -- Friend Drama

DEAR FRIEND DRAMA: Speak directly to your male friends and ask them to back off. It's fine for them to have an opinion about your friend, but it's inappropriate to badger her about it. Insist that they let her be. Tone is everything. Since she loves makeup, they might want to give her some makeup lessons from a pro, but they should stop the name-calling now. That's not how friends treat each other.

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Comments

[ysobel]

How can I approach my male friends to express my concerns about their comments without causing unnecessary conflict within our friend group?

Pro tip: there already IS unnecessary conflict. While you can't say "hey that's not ok, quit it" in a way that guarantees no hurt feelings, it's also not your job to manage their feelings for them. Better to dump the Grenade Of Discomfort in the lap of those acting shittily than leaving it with the makeup-wearing person getting bullied. If they want to not get told off for bullying, they can choose to behave better.

[melannen]

Honestly, "hey that's not ok, quit it" is probably the perfect script here, and as likely as anything to minimize hurt feelings. If they're not total jerks they may not realize it's not ok; some guys pick up that telling a woman she looks better without makeup is affirming and good and can't read the line when teasing stops being fun, so tell them it's not ok with minimum fuss. And if they are total jerks giving them the same "it's not OK, quit it" every time is probably the least likely to give them hooks for more drama.

[mrissa]

And "you look ugly" is not "you look better without it." It's just "you look ugly."

[azurelunatic]

Yeah, name the jackass behavior. "You're being a jackass to X. Stop commenting on her makeup and body."