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Two letters about teens and reproductive secrets
The first is under a cut because it's awful, the second is under a cut for solidarity.
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a junior in high school. I’ve been in the high school orchestra since I enrolled, and while I’ve generally enjoyed the activity, I was mostly there for the music, and I hadn’t made any close friends. That changed this year when we had a new kid, “James,” join us. That was awkward. My mother and father don’t have so much a functional marriage as much as they have a wary truce, and James is the product of an affair my dad had a long time ago. I’m not privy to all the details, but my mother often complains about the amount of money that goes off to child support. Dad occasionally visits my half-brother, but I know he isn’t around him much.
I had seen James before he joined the orchestra a few times, enough to recognize him and know he was related, but I had never had a close relationship or really wanted one. But hanging out with him during practice showed me he was cool, and we kind of naturally fell into an older brother-younger brother sort of thing. Plus, he’s good with a viola, and playing together is really quite nice. We started hanging out more, even outside of practice, and it’s generally been great.
However, last week I made the mistake of mentioning who I was hanging out with to my mother. She hit the roof. Told me that being friends with “that little bastard” was taking Dad’s side over hers and sanctioning his cheating. There was a huge fight between them later that night. Things have been icy at home ever since then. I don’t know what to do, or even who to go to for help. I don’t want to give up this friendship. I don’t want to imply I approve of Dad’s affair. I don’t want to play some sort of referee in my parent’s wrangling, and I resent my mother for putting me in this position. But I do understand her feelings, or at least some of them. I just keep looping ‘round and ‘round this mess without coming to any sort of resolution.
— What’s Next?
Dear What’s Next,
This should go without saying, but: You, nor James, did anything wrong. You are brothers, and you deserve to have a relationship with each other if you both so choose. Wanting to spend time with James doesn’t mean you approve of your father’s cheating. It’s unfortunate that your mother is unwilling to see beyond her own feelings of betrayal to recognize that there are two innocent young people being impacted, and that your father hasn’t stepped up to be more of a father to James, or worked to develop a relationship between you.
You can confront your mother and let her know that while you would never want to appear as though you are approving of your father’s past choices, it means a lot to you to have a relationship with your sibling. However, considering what you’ve said thus far, I do not expect her to have a positive reaction or to make peace with your decision. You may be better off continuing to pursue a connection to James, but keeping it to yourself. I know that being dishonest with your parents is less than ideal, but it may be the only way for the two of you to get to know each other while you’re living under your parents’ roof. It’s truly disappointing that your parents cannot get it together to understand why you and James ought to have a connection, but your mother seems to have committed to closing her heart off to this young man. That doesn’t mean that you need to do the same thing. Be as discreet as possible and enjoy getting to know your brother.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/puberty-fears-care-and-feeding.html
**************************
2. Q. Not the Mama: This is a weird problem. I have two brothers. One is Zach (38). The other is my younger brother Gil who’s 15 and is convinced that I’m his biological parent and that I was forced to give him up to be raised by our mom and dad as a teenager. He’s believed this since he was 13.
It isn’t true. I was 17 so it was technically possible, but it never happened. The problem is that there is no way that I have found to convince my brother of that. He will let go of it every now and again, but then it will bubble back to the surface. He approached my ex-boyfriend to ask if he was Gil’s “real” father, called our parents “grandmother and grandfather,” and made bitter, inappropriate comments about me “raising my other children” at family events. My children are toddlers and don’t really understand him, but I want this sorted before I have to deal with that too. Zach wants us to do a DNA test to settle this but other proof we’ve offered (photos of me that year not pregnant) just made Gil dig his heels in harder. I believe Gil needs some real psychological help. And anyway, our parents won’t agree. They say we shouldn’t dignify his delusion by addressing it.
That said… his birth was really weird. I was in France for a semester and Zach was at college—neither of us ever saw mom pregnant. The idea that our parents might have adopted a baby is weird (From who? And why, when they’d always expressed relief that she would have an empty nest soon?) but not impossible. It’s a box of worms that I worry about opening when Gil is already in such a weird place. So with that in mind, what seems like the best way to get Gil to stop harassing me about being his mother? I feel mean writing that, and I know he’s always struggled that Zach and I aren’t as close to him as we are with each other, but I also just want him to stop.
A: This is indeed weird. Why don’t you go ahead and do the DNA test just to put it to rest? I agree that a two-year-long obsession with this topic is troubling, but who knows, maybe his instinct that he’s not being told the whole truth is right. Either way, it seems it would be worth it to put his mind at ease (or nudge your parents to tell him the truth about his adoption!) Also, if he won’t accept the evidence or develops another theory about being an outsider in the family or being lied to, that will confirm that there’s an issue with his emotional and mental health that’s bigger than this question. If he goes “Whoops, sorry, I guess my hunch was wrong” and doesn’t lash out, you’re left with a brother who, like you said, would really like to be closer to you. Hopefully, with this issue out of the way, you can make that happen.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/secret-mother-brother-dear-prudence-advice.html
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a junior in high school. I’ve been in the high school orchestra since I enrolled, and while I’ve generally enjoyed the activity, I was mostly there for the music, and I hadn’t made any close friends. That changed this year when we had a new kid, “James,” join us. That was awkward. My mother and father don’t have so much a functional marriage as much as they have a wary truce, and James is the product of an affair my dad had a long time ago. I’m not privy to all the details, but my mother often complains about the amount of money that goes off to child support. Dad occasionally visits my half-brother, but I know he isn’t around him much.
I had seen James before he joined the orchestra a few times, enough to recognize him and know he was related, but I had never had a close relationship or really wanted one. But hanging out with him during practice showed me he was cool, and we kind of naturally fell into an older brother-younger brother sort of thing. Plus, he’s good with a viola, and playing together is really quite nice. We started hanging out more, even outside of practice, and it’s generally been great.
However, last week I made the mistake of mentioning who I was hanging out with to my mother. She hit the roof. Told me that being friends with “that little bastard” was taking Dad’s side over hers and sanctioning his cheating. There was a huge fight between them later that night. Things have been icy at home ever since then. I don’t know what to do, or even who to go to for help. I don’t want to give up this friendship. I don’t want to imply I approve of Dad’s affair. I don’t want to play some sort of referee in my parent’s wrangling, and I resent my mother for putting me in this position. But I do understand her feelings, or at least some of them. I just keep looping ‘round and ‘round this mess without coming to any sort of resolution.
— What’s Next?
Dear What’s Next,
This should go without saying, but: You, nor James, did anything wrong. You are brothers, and you deserve to have a relationship with each other if you both so choose. Wanting to spend time with James doesn’t mean you approve of your father’s cheating. It’s unfortunate that your mother is unwilling to see beyond her own feelings of betrayal to recognize that there are two innocent young people being impacted, and that your father hasn’t stepped up to be more of a father to James, or worked to develop a relationship between you.
You can confront your mother and let her know that while you would never want to appear as though you are approving of your father’s past choices, it means a lot to you to have a relationship with your sibling. However, considering what you’ve said thus far, I do not expect her to have a positive reaction or to make peace with your decision. You may be better off continuing to pursue a connection to James, but keeping it to yourself. I know that being dishonest with your parents is less than ideal, but it may be the only way for the two of you to get to know each other while you’re living under your parents’ roof. It’s truly disappointing that your parents cannot get it together to understand why you and James ought to have a connection, but your mother seems to have committed to closing her heart off to this young man. That doesn’t mean that you need to do the same thing. Be as discreet as possible and enjoy getting to know your brother.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/puberty-fears-care-and-feeding.html
2. Q. Not the Mama: This is a weird problem. I have two brothers. One is Zach (38). The other is my younger brother Gil who’s 15 and is convinced that I’m his biological parent and that I was forced to give him up to be raised by our mom and dad as a teenager. He’s believed this since he was 13.
It isn’t true. I was 17 so it was technically possible, but it never happened. The problem is that there is no way that I have found to convince my brother of that. He will let go of it every now and again, but then it will bubble back to the surface. He approached my ex-boyfriend to ask if he was Gil’s “real” father, called our parents “grandmother and grandfather,” and made bitter, inappropriate comments about me “raising my other children” at family events. My children are toddlers and don’t really understand him, but I want this sorted before I have to deal with that too. Zach wants us to do a DNA test to settle this but other proof we’ve offered (photos of me that year not pregnant) just made Gil dig his heels in harder. I believe Gil needs some real psychological help. And anyway, our parents won’t agree. They say we shouldn’t dignify his delusion by addressing it.
That said… his birth was really weird. I was in France for a semester and Zach was at college—neither of us ever saw mom pregnant. The idea that our parents might have adopted a baby is weird (From who? And why, when they’d always expressed relief that she would have an empty nest soon?) but not impossible. It’s a box of worms that I worry about opening when Gil is already in such a weird place. So with that in mind, what seems like the best way to get Gil to stop harassing me about being his mother? I feel mean writing that, and I know he’s always struggled that Zach and I aren’t as close to him as we are with each other, but I also just want him to stop.
A: This is indeed weird. Why don’t you go ahead and do the DNA test just to put it to rest? I agree that a two-year-long obsession with this topic is troubling, but who knows, maybe his instinct that he’s not being told the whole truth is right. Either way, it seems it would be worth it to put his mind at ease (or nudge your parents to tell him the truth about his adoption!) Also, if he won’t accept the evidence or develops another theory about being an outsider in the family or being lied to, that will confirm that there’s an issue with his emotional and mental health that’s bigger than this question. If he goes “Whoops, sorry, I guess my hunch was wrong” and doesn’t lash out, you’re left with a brother who, like you said, would really like to be closer to you. Hopefully, with this issue out of the way, you can make that happen.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/secret-mother-brother-dear-prudence-advice.html
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