Ermingarden (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2022-06-11 12:00 am
ermingarden) wrote in agonyaunt2022-06-11 12:00 am
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Care and Feeding: My Husband’s Family Is Creepily Involved in My Teenage Daughter’s Boob Job
Dear Care and Feeding,
I feel strange asking this low-stakes question based on everything going on in America, but here goes. I’m a mom and my only daughter is 18 and will be graduating high school shortly. The only thing she wants for a graduation gift is breast augmentation surgery. We have the money to pay for it, and she inherited my flat-chested genes, but wants no part of looking that way. She only wants a small C cup, not anything over the top. I’m on board with it because it will make her feel better about herself, but my in-laws are vehemently against it. They keep shaming me and my daughter for even considering it, and now my husband thinks we shouldn’t allow it. I think we should go forward with it. What do you think?
—Busty or Busted
Dear Busty,
There’s no need to qualify your question. Yes, America is a dumpster fire right now, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss your personal problems here. This column serves as a safe space for every reader.
That said, I’m 100 percent on your side on this. Yes, I know I’m speaking from a male perspective, but I don’t see any harm in a young adult making a decision that will make her feel better about herself. The only caveat to that, of course, is if she wants to get the surgery due to pressure from boys/men to look a certain way, because that would give me some pause. If the motivation is intrinsic, then I believe she should do it without hesitation.
Also, I think we’re at the point where people need to stop telling women what they should (or shouldn’t) do with their bodies. You asked for my opinion, so I gave it to you, but at the end of the day, nobody’s opinion should matter other than your daughter’s. I don’t know why your in-laws have such strong feelings about your daughter’s body, but I would remind them that as an adult she can do whatever she pleases, and they should support her.
I would also remind your husband of that fact and not have him join in the long line of men who think it’s cool to make decisions on female bodies. Because when it’s all said and done, she’ll probably go through with the surgery with or without your help. If it’s done without your help, it will probably come with a great deal of resentment that could negatively affect your relationship with her going forward.
I think it’s high time that we empower young women to do whatever they please as long as it’s within reason, and this request is definitely reasonable.
—Doyin
I feel strange asking this low-stakes question based on everything going on in America, but here goes. I’m a mom and my only daughter is 18 and will be graduating high school shortly. The only thing she wants for a graduation gift is breast augmentation surgery. We have the money to pay for it, and she inherited my flat-chested genes, but wants no part of looking that way. She only wants a small C cup, not anything over the top. I’m on board with it because it will make her feel better about herself, but my in-laws are vehemently against it. They keep shaming me and my daughter for even considering it, and now my husband thinks we shouldn’t allow it. I think we should go forward with it. What do you think?
—Busty or Busted
Dear Busty,
There’s no need to qualify your question. Yes, America is a dumpster fire right now, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss your personal problems here. This column serves as a safe space for every reader.
That said, I’m 100 percent on your side on this. Yes, I know I’m speaking from a male perspective, but I don’t see any harm in a young adult making a decision that will make her feel better about herself. The only caveat to that, of course, is if she wants to get the surgery due to pressure from boys/men to look a certain way, because that would give me some pause. If the motivation is intrinsic, then I believe she should do it without hesitation.
Also, I think we’re at the point where people need to stop telling women what they should (or shouldn’t) do with their bodies. You asked for my opinion, so I gave it to you, but at the end of the day, nobody’s opinion should matter other than your daughter’s. I don’t know why your in-laws have such strong feelings about your daughter’s body, but I would remind them that as an adult she can do whatever she pleases, and they should support her.
I would also remind your husband of that fact and not have him join in the long line of men who think it’s cool to make decisions on female bodies. Because when it’s all said and done, she’ll probably go through with the surgery with or without your help. If it’s done without your help, it will probably come with a great deal of resentment that could negatively affect your relationship with her going forward.
I think it’s high time that we empower young women to do whatever they please as long as it’s within reason, and this request is definitely reasonable.
—Doyin
no subject
The problem with this attitude is that it's fundamentally impossible to make a decision without any influence from societal pressures. Every choice we make is made in relation to the set of values and priorities we were brought up with and those of the society in which we live. Every action we take is either taken to stay within that framework or in deliberate rejection of it. Either way, those societal values are always involved in our decision-making, however unconsciously.
What I'm getting at is that even if LW's daughter thinks her motivation is entirely "intrinsic," her choice necessarily has some relationship to our general societal ideals for women's appearances – ideals shaped to a significant degree by the "male gaze." To some degree, I think a lot of recent feminist rhetoric has de-emphasized the idea that there is an oppressive structure that molds the choices and actions of individual women – it's not that people lack free will, but that the choices we make are shaped by the structure of the patriarchy.
For example, I shave my legs. Why? It's not because I have an intrinsic urge to be hairless! It's because it's viewed as more professional (and more attractive), and I don't want to deal with the negative reactions to unshaven legs. Sure, I have a choice – but it's a choice shaped and constrained by the patriarchal framework in which it's made.
I think Doyin is also neglecting the fact that breast augmentation surgery is, well, a surgery, and thus inherently carries some risk of complications – including risk of death. I don't think parents should be paying (!!) for a surgery (!!!) in order for their daughter to better fit an arbitrary ideal of beauty. If she decides that she's willing to assume the risk of surgical complications for the perceived benefits, that's her decision, but – in my opinion – it's not worth it, and her parents shouldn't bankroll it.
I also find this answer really ironic in light of the article Slate ran the other day about the health risks of breast implants.
ETA: I do want to make clear that I think there's a huge difference between a fully fledged adult making the decision to get breast augmentation surgery and a teenager asking her parents to pay for it as a high school graduation gift.
ETA 2: I'm also confused by Doyin's assertion that not paying for the surgery would lead to LW's daughter having "a great deal of resentment that could negatively affect [her] relationship with [LW] going forward." She's not owed anything in particular for a graduation gift! (Also, breast augmentation surgery costs thousands of dollars – that'd be a pretty generous gift for high school graduation, yes?)
Also, while I don't think LW should pay for the surgery, the in-laws "shaming [LW] and [her] daughter for even considering it" – especially the daughter – is totally inappropriate. I think if your behavior toward a teenager can be described as "shaming," you likely need to take it down a notch.
no subject
no subject
Also yes, Doyin flubbed that caveat! If it's due to pressure from *specific* boys/men, she should absolutely not do it (and also drop said boys/men from her life.) I don't know if he thought that would read that way or what, but 'don't do it if you might want it because of societal pressure' is basically the same as 'don't do it'.