Care and Feeding: My Husband’s Family Is Creepily Involved in My Teenage Daughter’s Boob Job

[ermingarden]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I feel strange asking this low-stakes question based on everything going on in America, but here goes. I’m a mom and my only daughter is 18 and will be graduating high school shortly. The only thing she wants for a graduation gift is breast augmentation surgery. We have the money to pay for it, and she inherited my flat-chested genes, but wants no part of looking that way. She only wants a small C cup, not anything over the top. I’m on board with it because it will make her feel better about herself, but my in-laws are vehemently against it. They keep shaming me and my daughter for even considering it, and now my husband thinks we shouldn’t allow it. I think we should go forward with it. What do you think?

—Busty or Busted

Dear Busty,

There’s no need to qualify your question. Yes, America is a dumpster fire right now, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss your personal problems here. This column serves as a safe space for every reader.

That said, I’m 100 percent on your side on this. Yes, I know I’m speaking from a male perspective, but I don’t see any harm in a young adult making a decision that will make her feel better about herself. The only caveat to that, of course, is if she wants to get the surgery due to pressure from boys/men to look a certain way, because that would give me some pause. If the motivation is intrinsic, then I believe she should do it without hesitation.

Also, I think we’re at the point where people need to stop telling women what they should (or shouldn’t) do with their bodies. You asked for my opinion, so I gave it to you, but at the end of the day, nobody’s opinion should matter other than your daughter’s. I don’t know why your in-laws have such strong feelings about your daughter’s body, but I would remind them that as an adult she can do whatever she pleases, and they should support her.

I would also remind your husband of that fact and not have him join in the long line of men who think it’s cool to make decisions on female bodies. Because when it’s all said and done, she’ll probably go through with the surgery with or without your help. If it’s done without your help, it will probably come with a great deal of resentment that could negatively affect your relationship with her going forward.

I think it’s high time that we empower young women to do whatever they please as long as it’s within reason, and this request is definitely reasonable.

—Doyin

Comments

[ermingarden]

Um...what?!

The only caveat to that, of course, is if she wants to get the surgery due to pressure from boys/men to look a certain way, because that would give me some pause. If the motivation is intrinsic, then I believe she should do it without hesitation.

The problem with this attitude is that it's fundamentally impossible to make a decision without any influence from societal pressures. Every choice we make is made in relation to the set of values and priorities we were brought up with and those of the society in which we live. Every action we take is either taken to stay within that framework or in deliberate rejection of it. Either way, those societal values are always involved in our decision-making, however unconsciously.

What I'm getting at is that even if LW's daughter thinks her motivation is entirely "intrinsic," her choice necessarily has some relationship to our general societal ideals for women's appearances – ideals shaped to a significant degree by the "male gaze." To some degree, I think a lot of recent feminist rhetoric has de-emphasized the idea that there is an oppressive structure that molds the choices and actions of individual women – it's not that people lack free will, but that the choices we make are shaped by the structure of the patriarchy.

For example, I shave my legs. Why? It's not because I have an intrinsic urge to be hairless! It's because it's viewed as more professional (and more attractive), and I don't want to deal with the negative reactions to unshaven legs. Sure, I have a choice – but it's a choice shaped and constrained by the patriarchal framework in which it's made.

I think Doyin is also neglecting the fact that breast augmentation surgery is, well, a surgery, and thus inherently carries some risk of complications – including risk of death. I don't think parents should be paying (!!) for a surgery (!!!) in order for their daughter to better fit an arbitrary ideal of beauty. If she decides that she's willing to assume the risk of surgical complications for the perceived benefits, that's her decision, but – in my opinion – it's not worth it, and her parents shouldn't bankroll it.

I also find this answer really ironic in light of the article Slate ran the other day about the health risks of breast implants.

ETA: I do want to make clear that I think there's a huge difference between a fully fledged adult making the decision to get breast augmentation surgery and a teenager asking her parents to pay for it as a high school graduation gift.

ETA 2: I'm also confused by Doyin's assertion that not paying for the surgery would lead to LW's daughter having "a great deal of resentment that could negatively affect [her] relationship with [LW] going forward." She's not owed anything in particular for a graduation gift! (Also, breast augmentation surgery costs thousands of dollars – that'd be a pretty generous gift for high school graduation, yes?)

Also, while I don't think LW should pay for the surgery, the in-laws "shaming [LW] and [her] daughter for even considering it" – especially the daughter – is totally inappropriate. I think if your behavior toward a teenager can be described as "shaming," you likely need to take it down a notch.

[harpers_child]

I'm coming from a place where I'm shaped like an anime fanservice character and have wanted to have a breast reduction since I was 15 and read it was possible in a newspaper advice column. (I turn 39 this month and still haven't had the surgery for a variety of reasons.)

I wish the daughter had written in and not the mother. LW is right to support her kid. Her in-laws need to back off.

Daughter should wait a few years. Give herself some time to grow into her own skin. Maybe do some therapy. If this was a college graduation gift I'd feel differently, but I think 18 is too young.

[kindkit]

As a transgender person, I think I come to this from a very different perspective. Trans people have historically been heavily gate-kept before being allowed to access hormones and gender-confirming surgeries, and while some of that burden has lessened lately, there's a strong movement to increase it again. People want to deny hormone therapy and surgery to any trans people under 25! Or to every trans people of whatever age, on the grounds that we might regret it, that maybe we don't know our own minds. (Also on spurious grounds of protecting our physical health.)

The daughter is a legal adult who wants to change the shape of her own body. The reason she wants this may absolutely be steeped in patriarchy. But I think fundamentally that doesn't matter. It is her body. And part of the principle of bodily autonomy is that people get to change their own autonomous bodies in ways, and for reasons, that others might not approve of.

That doesn't mean the parents are obliged to help pay for it. But I think it's good that they're planning to.

[castiron]

First, why did anyone tell husband's family about it in the first place?

I think it's a bad idea (I'd feel differently if the daughter was 25 and still wanted the procedure); I also think an adult is free to make their own decisions about their body, bad decisions included, and another adult is free to decide whether they want to bankroll it or not, and it's none of my damn business.

The only other thing I might ask if I actually knew the LW or the daughter is whether the daughter wants to have children, and if so how soon. Pregnancy changes bodies in general and breasts in particular, and the long-term change could go in either direction; some folks end up even flatter-chested after kids, and some end up much bustier. If daughter is hoping to have kids in the next 5-10 years, she might be better off waiting until after at least one pregnancy before having augmentation done. (And if her response is "but I won't find anyoen to have kids with if I don't have this surgery!", that'd tell me she's having it for the wrong reasons. But again, she's an adult, and adults get to make their own decisions.)

[sathari]

I'm inclined to agree with all of the folks who've said that it is the young adult woman's body and therefore her choice and that I'm glad her parents are supporting her in it.

And I would like to add another reason for wanting larger tits: looking like a legal post-pubescent adult once you actually are one. Signed, someone who didn't look post-pubescent until perimenopause and let me spare you the stories of creepiness.