Ermingarden (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2022-06-11 12:00 am
ermingarden) wrote in agonyaunt2022-06-11 12:00 am
Entry tags:
Care and Feeding: My Husband’s Family Is Creepily Involved in My Teenage Daughter’s Boob Job
Dear Care and Feeding,
I feel strange asking this low-stakes question based on everything going on in America, but here goes. I’m a mom and my only daughter is 18 and will be graduating high school shortly. The only thing she wants for a graduation gift is breast augmentation surgery. We have the money to pay for it, and she inherited my flat-chested genes, but wants no part of looking that way. She only wants a small C cup, not anything over the top. I’m on board with it because it will make her feel better about herself, but my in-laws are vehemently against it. They keep shaming me and my daughter for even considering it, and now my husband thinks we shouldn’t allow it. I think we should go forward with it. What do you think?
—Busty or Busted
Dear Busty,
There’s no need to qualify your question. Yes, America is a dumpster fire right now, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss your personal problems here. This column serves as a safe space for every reader.
That said, I’m 100 percent on your side on this. Yes, I know I’m speaking from a male perspective, but I don’t see any harm in a young adult making a decision that will make her feel better about herself. The only caveat to that, of course, is if she wants to get the surgery due to pressure from boys/men to look a certain way, because that would give me some pause. If the motivation is intrinsic, then I believe she should do it without hesitation.
Also, I think we’re at the point where people need to stop telling women what they should (or shouldn’t) do with their bodies. You asked for my opinion, so I gave it to you, but at the end of the day, nobody’s opinion should matter other than your daughter’s. I don’t know why your in-laws have such strong feelings about your daughter’s body, but I would remind them that as an adult she can do whatever she pleases, and they should support her.
I would also remind your husband of that fact and not have him join in the long line of men who think it’s cool to make decisions on female bodies. Because when it’s all said and done, she’ll probably go through with the surgery with or without your help. If it’s done without your help, it will probably come with a great deal of resentment that could negatively affect your relationship with her going forward.
I think it’s high time that we empower young women to do whatever they please as long as it’s within reason, and this request is definitely reasonable.
—Doyin
I feel strange asking this low-stakes question based on everything going on in America, but here goes. I’m a mom and my only daughter is 18 and will be graduating high school shortly. The only thing she wants for a graduation gift is breast augmentation surgery. We have the money to pay for it, and she inherited my flat-chested genes, but wants no part of looking that way. She only wants a small C cup, not anything over the top. I’m on board with it because it will make her feel better about herself, but my in-laws are vehemently against it. They keep shaming me and my daughter for even considering it, and now my husband thinks we shouldn’t allow it. I think we should go forward with it. What do you think?
—Busty or Busted
Dear Busty,
There’s no need to qualify your question. Yes, America is a dumpster fire right now, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss your personal problems here. This column serves as a safe space for every reader.
That said, I’m 100 percent on your side on this. Yes, I know I’m speaking from a male perspective, but I don’t see any harm in a young adult making a decision that will make her feel better about herself. The only caveat to that, of course, is if she wants to get the surgery due to pressure from boys/men to look a certain way, because that would give me some pause. If the motivation is intrinsic, then I believe she should do it without hesitation.
Also, I think we’re at the point where people need to stop telling women what they should (or shouldn’t) do with their bodies. You asked for my opinion, so I gave it to you, but at the end of the day, nobody’s opinion should matter other than your daughter’s. I don’t know why your in-laws have such strong feelings about your daughter’s body, but I would remind them that as an adult she can do whatever she pleases, and they should support her.
I would also remind your husband of that fact and not have him join in the long line of men who think it’s cool to make decisions on female bodies. Because when it’s all said and done, she’ll probably go through with the surgery with or without your help. If it’s done without your help, it will probably come with a great deal of resentment that could negatively affect your relationship with her going forward.
I think it’s high time that we empower young women to do whatever they please as long as it’s within reason, and this request is definitely reasonable.
—Doyin
no subject
I think it's a bad idea (I'd feel differently if the daughter was 25 and still wanted the procedure); I also think an adult is free to make their own decisions about their body, bad decisions included, and another adult is free to decide whether they want to bankroll it or not, and it's none of my damn business.
The only other thing I might ask if I actually knew the LW or the daughter is whether the daughter wants to have children, and if so how soon. Pregnancy changes bodies in general and breasts in particular, and the long-term change could go in either direction; some folks end up even flatter-chested after kids, and some end up much bustier. If daughter is hoping to have kids in the next 5-10 years, she might be better off waiting until after at least one pregnancy before having augmentation done. (And if her response is "but I won't find anyoen to have kids with if I don't have this surgery!", that'd tell me she's having it for the wrong reasons. But again, she's an adult, and adults get to make their own decisions.)
no subject
I would assume that at some point, the family would have noticed anyway.
Families are all different about information like that. I'm not even remotely close to my siblings, but I was visiting for Christmas when I got the go-ahead from my insurance for my reduction, and it never even occurred to me not to share the news. OTOH, I didn't learn my mother had a hysterectomy until five years after it happened. But she's almost pathologically private about stuff like that.
no subject
True, though that would've been after the surgery was already done.
Yep, families definitely vary. I'd mention it to my parents or siblings if I were going to have a major surgery. If I were getting a first tattoo, though, I probably wouldn't say anything to them until afterwards -- and possibly not at all, if my regular clothes cover it. ("When did you get this tattoo?" "Oh, about seven years ago" is a conversation I could absolutely see myself having.)