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agonyaunt2021-09-22 12:20 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-09-22 12:20 pm
Entry tags:
How To Do It: Problem With [redacted]
This one is explicit.
I’m having a problem with anal sex and my husband. A few years ago, I unexpectedly gave my husband anal while having sex. He loved it so much, and I loved that I could turn him on that way. But ever since then, he wants it all the time. I kind of thought it was a once-in-a-while thing. We’ve been having this same argument now for a few years on and off. I’ve told him over and over “no,” but he still tries any chance he can get. He will lay off for a day or so, but it seems that’s all he thinks about.
I’d much rather have him in my vagina—it seems so distant, no closeness, when we do have anal sex. He once said he wants something different in bed, to spice it up because we’ve been together for 13 years. I get that, but I just don’t want anal sex. I feel it takes too much out of me mentally to prepare for him to go there. It hurts, and even lube doesn’t make it feel good. And he watches porn and thinks he can just ram it in and do it the same as vaginal sex. It’s a slow process for me, and sometimes I’m sore after, sometimes I bleed, sometimes I’m constipated. It hurts and when he gets close to ejaculating he won’t stop, and therefore my rectum tears sometimes. I’ve told him all this, but he still wants it.
Is it normal for him to not listen to me and what I want or don’t want? Should I just let him have it whenever he wants it? I tell him no all the time—I say no, but I don’t want to flat out say no. He seems to think he should get it once a week. I finally asked him if he’s gay. He was offended, and now intimacy is gone. Sometimes he’d rather not have sex at all, it seems, if he can’t have anal. Does it mean he’s gay?
—No More Please
Dear No More Please,
No, your husband’s taste for anal does not mean he’s gay.
Now that that’s out of the way, he’s also pushy, rude, and potentially assaulting you if, when “he gets close to ejaculating,” “he won’t stop.” He’s hurting you, and you’ve told him you don’t want this. He isn’t going to lay off the anal on his own. You’re going to have to find that no inside yourself and put it to use. You say you say no but you don’t want to “flat out say no.” You’re going to have to do the latter if you want these anal aspirations to end—be as blunt with him as you were with me.
Practice in the mirror. Start with “No.” Say it out loud until you’re comfortable. Imagine your husband instead of your reflection. Move on to “No, I don’t want your penis in my ass.” Say it until you feel firm and strong. Get ready to say it to your husband.
I think many would read this letter as you sent it and implore you to leave your husband immediately. But I’m not the one in the relationship; I’m not hearing about the parts of the relationship that work, and I haven’t built a whole life with him. It’s possible that nothing short of an ultimatum—or even nothing short of following through on one—is going to get him to stop. Think about what you’re prepared to follow through on. Are you willing to move out? Leave the relationship? You have to decide for yourself what moves you’re OK making, but this can’t go on the way it has. Good luck—you’ve got big choices to make.
I’m having a problem with anal sex and my husband. A few years ago, I unexpectedly gave my husband anal while having sex. He loved it so much, and I loved that I could turn him on that way. But ever since then, he wants it all the time. I kind of thought it was a once-in-a-while thing. We’ve been having this same argument now for a few years on and off. I’ve told him over and over “no,” but he still tries any chance he can get. He will lay off for a day or so, but it seems that’s all he thinks about.
I’d much rather have him in my vagina—it seems so distant, no closeness, when we do have anal sex. He once said he wants something different in bed, to spice it up because we’ve been together for 13 years. I get that, but I just don’t want anal sex. I feel it takes too much out of me mentally to prepare for him to go there. It hurts, and even lube doesn’t make it feel good. And he watches porn and thinks he can just ram it in and do it the same as vaginal sex. It’s a slow process for me, and sometimes I’m sore after, sometimes I bleed, sometimes I’m constipated. It hurts and when he gets close to ejaculating he won’t stop, and therefore my rectum tears sometimes. I’ve told him all this, but he still wants it.
Is it normal for him to not listen to me and what I want or don’t want? Should I just let him have it whenever he wants it? I tell him no all the time—I say no, but I don’t want to flat out say no. He seems to think he should get it once a week. I finally asked him if he’s gay. He was offended, and now intimacy is gone. Sometimes he’d rather not have sex at all, it seems, if he can’t have anal. Does it mean he’s gay?
—No More Please
Dear No More Please,
No, your husband’s taste for anal does not mean he’s gay.
Now that that’s out of the way, he’s also pushy, rude, and potentially assaulting you if, when “he gets close to ejaculating,” “he won’t stop.” He’s hurting you, and you’ve told him you don’t want this. He isn’t going to lay off the anal on his own. You’re going to have to find that no inside yourself and put it to use. You say you say no but you don’t want to “flat out say no.” You’re going to have to do the latter if you want these anal aspirations to end—be as blunt with him as you were with me.
Practice in the mirror. Start with “No.” Say it out loud until you’re comfortable. Imagine your husband instead of your reflection. Move on to “No, I don’t want your penis in my ass.” Say it until you feel firm and strong. Get ready to say it to your husband.
I think many would read this letter as you sent it and implore you to leave your husband immediately. But I’m not the one in the relationship; I’m not hearing about the parts of the relationship that work, and I haven’t built a whole life with him. It’s possible that nothing short of an ultimatum—or even nothing short of following through on one—is going to get him to stop. Think about what you’re prepared to follow through on. Are you willing to move out? Leave the relationship? You have to decide for yourself what moves you’re OK making, but this can’t go on the way it has. Good luck—you’ve got big choices to make.
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