Care and Feeding: Treating children unequally

[cereta]

Dear Care and Feeding,

We have four adult children (all in their 20s/early 30s) and are currently facing a great deal of family conflict around the unequal way we raised them. To be honest, we were pretty strict parents with our oldest daughter “Lily.” From the outset, we told her that at 18, she’d be moving out—living with us indefinitely was not an option—and she’d need to pay for college by herself. She got into an expensive Ivy League school that did not offer enough financial aid. She was heartbroken and ended up going to a lower-ranked, yet still excellent, college on a full merit scholarship. She followed through with our expectations and never asked us to move back in, even when she took a low-paying job right out of college. She made it through her 20s with a few bumps and bruises but is now engaged to a man with a high-paying job, and she has even earned her graduate degree! We’re very proud.

In contrast, our youngest child “Jen” was raised without many of these same expectations: We knew we could pay for her college, and having had the benefit of seeing our other children leave the nest successfully, we weren’t as insistent that she move out immediately. We paid full price for a private college for Jen (equally ranked to Lily’s) and she graduated with no debt. We also allowed her to live with us during her first year after college; she had secured a job, but wanted to save money for a down payment on a house. She ended up buying a home at 23 (Lily wasn’t able to until 29) and as a result is now significantly wealthier than Lily is.

Lily and Jen have always had some friction, but now their main conflict is the unequal expectations we had of them. It’s true we were much harder on Lily, and Jen had a “safety net” her older sister never benefited from. Lily has held on to a lot of resentment for this and has started to throw it in our faces during family arguments. In my opinion, we were doing the best we could, and it seems ungrateful of Lily to complain when her life is going so well right now. I think she’s harboring jealousy around Jen’s financial success and it’s making her feel insecure.

The jealousy is starting to color every interaction between Lily and us, and between Lily and Jen. Did we do something wrong? How should we handle this moving forward? Is it reasonable that Lily’s upset? Should we do something to “level the playing field,” so to speak? I’d appreciate any advice you can offer.

—Torn in Tulsa

Dear Torn,

Lily has all the makings for some deep resentment, but she is also at a point in her life where she has to learn to look at how fortunate she is and to appreciate all that she has, more than she resents the disparity in how she and her sister were raised. What you and your spouse can do to help that is to simply acknowledge the difference and apologize, if there’s anything that you sincerely regret or feel bad about—such as being stricter with Lily and making her feel unwelcome to stay in your home beyond the age of 18 just because you were worried she would be unable to learn to live independently. You needn’t apologize for having different means at different times, but Lily should hear you recognize how both the change in your financial status and your parenting ideologies affected her and her sister, and that you did the best you could for all of your children. Acknowledge her feelings and encourage her to express them respectfully. You don’t owe her a check, just understanding and empathy. Hopefully, she can extend the same to you sooner rather than later.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

This seems like sensible advice to me, but I'm an only child. (It also seems obvious, as in, LWs, can't you empathize with Lily for half a second and see why she might be resentful? Sheesh.) What am I missing?

[jadelennox]

I'm the youngest, and I know my oldest sister has worked really hard to avoid resenting how much easier my parents were on me, in some ways. She hasn't thrown in it my face since we were both in our twenties and I don't think she blames me, but it's real. As we've gotten older, it's balanced out because I think we're both more aware of the ways we both got dicked by birth order in different ways. (I absorbed a huge weight of expectations for everything the other two didn't do, and prioritized School and Job and Feminist success messages; she rebelled against more strictness and blew off school accordingly. She had the right to use a car; I was the kid who went to private school after the other two got really fucked up by public. Honestly I got the better deal and I know it.)

Frustratingly I don't think there's much advice for LW that's useful, except by being open and honest with both daughters that they realize their rules were applied unevenly and had uneven effect. Lily and Jen need to work this out themselves. Although from my own experience, I'd ask the LW to interrogate the way they talk to their kids. Do they praise Lily's husband for being such a good provider? Do they say things about Jen's career that make it sound like they value it over Lily's? Do they comment about the way their kids did in school, or -- leaving their kids out of it -- make bitchy comments when reading the news about people who carry too much debt? I know my mum acknowledges we got unequal treatment, and she still does all of those things, and it does not help.

Also LW should make sure they aren't being scrupulously even handed now about helping the kids. If Lily needs something, LW needs to make sure they don't think, "we can only give Lily the exact same thing we give the others."

[minoanmiss]

*listens, and contemplates, and nods* Your comment and all the comments here really expanded my perspective on what the LW has done to their oldest and youngest children.

[cereta]

And in a few years, when Lily doesn't bring the grandchildren around, they'll be utterly perplexed and blame Lily.

That is utterly shit advice. They say Lily is ungrateful. What does she have to be grateful for? You basically tossed her out of the house and told her not to darken your doorstep again. They're very proud of her. Nope, nope, they don't even get to claim that much of her success. WTF is wrong with you, LW?

[lilysea]

Also, for all they know, their daughter was forced to

- forgo neccessary physical healthcare

- forgo necessary mental healthcare

- stay in a bad relationship

to make ends meet after she moved out!

I'm now wondering how LW would feel if she found out her daughter was forced to do stripping or sex work to make ends meet due to lack of financial support from her parents...

[kiezh]

Yeah, I think it's pretty much a given that Lily went through a lot of financial and probably physical/mental stress while working her way through college and grad school that her parents just decided to wave away as not their problem. While they take credit for the fact that she built herself a life without their support. Her resentment is completely justified.

That whole "we're kicking you out at 18 to fend for yourself, no appeals" ultimatum is HORRIFYING. Like, a lot of parents can't pay for college (although LW seems to imply that they could have and chose not to, UGH), but good parents still want to be there for their kids in whatever ways they can! "If your life crashes and burns, you can always come home" is a low bar for family support and LW & Spouse put some real effort into crawling under it.

[amireal]

Yeah if the worry was financial there were a lot of steps between total financial support and kicking out at 18. I also wonder when they told the older child about the kicking out and how much time they had to prepare, not that I think any amount of time would really have been okay.

[ambyr]

is now engaged to a man with a high-paying job, and she has even earned her graduate degree really, really rubs me the wrong way. The most important thing to highlight about her success is that she’s landed a rich potential spouse? What century are we in?

[firecat]

Thiiiiis.

[misbegotten]

Is it reasonable that Lily’s upset?

Why, yes. Yes it is. You'll be lucky to come out of this with a relationship with Lily. And what a marvelous thing she's engaged to a guy with a high-paying job. /sarcasm

I'd really like to know if they charged Jen rent when she was living with them. I'm guessing not.

[frenzy]

Normally Care and Feeding has much better advice.

Its very obvious they disadvantaged one child over the other. Frankly, they it sounds like these people are *very* well off, so they should offer to do something large, financially to make it up to the older child.

And even then, it won't mend this shit. But it'll be a fucking step in the right direction.

[movingfinger]

What self-justifying, cruel people.

They absolutely owe Lily a check. They owe her years of checks, with interest. They should be making her the biggest tax-free gift every year that they can for about ten years starting now (as they're a married couple, that's around $30K now). If they don't, and this disparity of support isn't already addressed in their will, it should be.

[akamarykate]

As I read this, I kept thinking of one thing my parents did for me, the oldest of 7, when they came into a lot of money very late in the game: they took me aside and told me they were able to pay for several younger siblings to go to the colleges of their choice (or nursing school, etc.), including the very youngest, who got to go to the sort of small private liberal arts college I'd so desperately wanted to attend, but couldn't afford even with scholarships, and got to major in the discipline I'd wanted to study. I was told over and over that it was impractical and I'd never be able to earn a living with that degree, so I went into something more practical. They acknowledged that my life would have been a lot different if they'd come into that money sooner.

As part of that same conversation, they offered to pay off my grad school loans as a way of evening things out. It was very kind, it got me out of a really rough financial patch, and it was motivated by their desire to do the right thing and keep their kids from resenting each other.

Nowhere in LW's story is there a word about Lily's educational debt. They mention that Jen graduated "debt free." My guess (totally unfounded because there's no mention of it) is that Lily is still paying off student loans. If LW really wants to take steps toward evening things out, that would be where I'd tell them to put their money. No, money won't fix everything that's broken in that relationship. But it would go a long way to showing their oldest that they regret some of the choices they made in the past, and that they have changed and want to ease her way to the same extent they've smoothed the path for Jen.

[gingicat]

Your parents are lovely.

[cimorene]

They sound like terrible people, tbh. Who refuses to let a child live with them under any circumstances after 18? Like, their supposed low income doesn't explain that! We're supposed to believe that it was some kind of shock treatment because they were afraid she'd fail to ever get a job if they didn't throw her out of the nest? But that only makes sense if they had no knowledge about the job-finding and residence-hunting behavior of other human beings at their disposal. It's hardly a common issue to be afraid of, which makes it sound like a weird excuse. A lot of their clarifications sound like that. They've editorialized so much their own memories are faulty, or else they're covering up the real reasons because they look bad.

[lilysea]

See also:

I am in my late 30s and have a good relationship with my parents. We speak on the phone weekly. Last Sunday, my mother informed me that they gave my sister a chunk of money to help with a down payment on a house. She told me I wouldn’t receive a matching sum because my husband and I already own a house and his parents gave us a generous gift when we were buying it. My parents aren’t wealthy, so I understand their decision. Still, it stings! I think my parents are making assumptions about my financial position. I also believe their choice to give money to my younger sister is a declaration of greater love for her. Should I bring this up again?

SARAH

You should definitely bring it up if this gift is going to interfere with your relationship with your parents or your sister. (I can’t tell if this is a passing sting or one that may lead to lasting resentment.) Before you do, though, consider a few points to make the conversation more productive.

Our parents’ money is theirs. Whether they are fabulously rich or just squeaking by, they can spend it however they like. And adult children have no entitlement to it. Here, for instance, your parents decided they wanted both daughters to enjoy the economic advantages of homeownership. This meant giving money to one child but not to another (who already owns a home). Broadly speaking, they put you in the same position.

Still, I am sympathetic with your feelings. Sibling rivalry for parental love can be painful. So, while I recommend talking to your parents, it’s not to air a grievance. It’s to let them know that your feelings are hurt by your (likely false!) perception that their gift to your sister signals greater love for her.

Add quickly that you understand their decision and aren’t trying to wheedle a gift out of them. You simply want to be open with them. I hope the ensuing conversation reassures you. (And for parents: If you intend to make unequal gifts, it can be helpful to discuss the issue in advance. Feelings about parental gifts can run strong!)

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/16/style/parents-money-down-payment.html

[kiezh]

From the outset, we told her that at 18, she’d be moving out—living with us indefinitely was not an option—and she’d need to pay for college by herself.

Fuck you, LW. You're lucky she's still willing to speak to you at all, with this attitude:

Lily has held on to a lot of resentment for this and has started to throw it in our faces during family arguments. In my opinion, we were doing the best we could, and it seems ungrateful of Lily to complain when her life is going so well right now.

And frankly when she goes no-contact you will richly deserve it. You have never done the best you could for her. You certainly aren't now - a sincere apology and admission of failure to support and show up for her might go a long way, but that would involve taking responsibility for your own shit instead of offloading it on your oldest daughter (clearly the Assigned Scapegoat in your family) and condemning her for being "ungrateful".

Did we do something wrong?

Facepalming *hard* at this disingenuous fuckery.

Also: Jen is obviously a perfect sweet angel who has no part in this "conflict" at all! It's allllll her "jealous" older sister's fault, says her extremely objective parent, who hasn't been playing their kids off against each other for decades or anything. (Constant comparisons of their financial status, with implications for how worthy and accomplished they are: great parenting! Totally inexplicable that the one who suffered financial hardships with no familial support would resent hearing about how wealthy her little sister is.)

I hope Lily has a great life and useful therapy and gets the hell away from her parents and their mind-games. I hope Jen also gets therapy re: the golden child/ungrateful child dichotomy their parents have set up and the siblings can eventually talk to each other without that hanging over their heads. (Hmm, wonder how those other two siblings feel about all this. Maybe they're boys and the parents just don't feel as compelled to police their emotions about everything and force them to perform gratitude.)

[resonant]

This particular set of parents seem more interested in justifying what they did than in making any effort to mend it, and they don't seem to recognize that unequal financial treatment does damage that isn't financial. The sense I get from the letter is that the writer is really looking hard for a loophole that will make them not owe the apology that they clearly owe.

I wonder about situations where siblings get vastly, unfairly different amounts of money support from parents for reasons that aren't the parents' fault, though. "When our first was born, we were really just scraping by, but by the time the youngest got here, we were more stable," or, on the other hand, "When our first was born, we were in a great position, but by the time the youngest got here, that bubble had burst."

[raine]

Yeah, and it sucks all around, but the parents don’t seem to realize the magnitude of what they’ve done. At least my mom was like, “maybe I should’ve been harder on you like I was your siblings but I couldn’t make myself do it.”

[queenbookwench]

I’m five years older than my sister and I definitely remember the lean times in my family much more clearly than she does. It influenced our level of confidence in asking for things as gifts as kids/teens and I tried really hard not to be resentful that she got things (because she asked!) that I would never have considered it okay to ask for.

As adults, I feel like my parents have handled things pretty well in terms of financial help, though I do struggle occasionally with resentment of the large gifts that she & her husband have received from her in-laws. (They got to live rent free on family property for several years and later were outright given a house.)

[beable]

My parents provided more support to my younger sib than me for the simple reason that younger sib often needed more support.

I'm now at the point of trying to encourage my parents to let me offer them some support because it would be nice if my mother (in her seventies) was able to retire soon. The biggest outsized "still working" expense seems to be taking care of the dogs and my father and I have had some discussions on how I could take over at least the biggest of the dog expenses for the current crop of dogs.

[sporky_rat]

Completely off topic but I love your icon.

An awful lot of running to do!

[purlewe]

this is one of the biggest reasons why I didn't let my parents control the story of who got what when. My mother was a big "this is a secret" person between each one of us. She told us out loud that she wanted to be fair as much as she could, but then she would take us aside and tell us "don't tell you sisters I am paying for x" or even worse, "don't tell your sisters you are paying my mortgage" which I did for about 10 months.

As soon as the words "don't tell your sisters" came up I told them. I wanted to be above board with them regarding what did and did not come my way. The only thing we never discussed was college money. And I wish we had. I got not one dime. But both of my sisters went thru and I have no idea if they paid for it (like I did, 3 jobs a semester). I also was the only one to move away for grad school. I was dropped off with the phrase "don't call us if you get in trouble or land in the hospital. we cannot help you" and I never did.

I told my sisters about the mortgage bc if she dropped dead I wanted to be paid first from the proceeds of the house before the will. I still have not been paid back and my sisters know that my "loan" still stands. I learned the hard way that secrets were bad and that my sisters either had to stick together or stand alone. We get on OK. We don't like.. live in each others pockets. but we all know that if needed we can depend on each other in a pinch. And I credit that with always being honest with them about circumstances.

If Lily and Jen want to form a relationship with each other with no secrets, then they need to have a discussion about it. And I would not fault Lily for never speaking to her terrible parents again.

[ashbet]

I am going to try to keep my screaming muffled, but . . .

I was on my own after I had a child at 16 and got out of my abusive forced marriage at 18.

My (WEALTHY) parents wouldn't LEND me $300 for a reconditioned car radiator, so I burned out the engine of my paid-off used car because patching the hole during a scorching summer wasn't enough. I had to go into debt and get a car loan. I worked long hours with a long commute and paid out the nose for daycare.

Those same parents PAID MY BROTHER'S WIFE TO STAY HOME WITH THEIR 3 KIDS, so she could be a SAHM. (They also received down payments for two houses and a couple of vehicles.)

My younger brother and I have an extremely distant relationship for various reasons (partly because he's a hardcore Christian), but the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic in the family, including him being rewarded for tattling on me and therefore becoming a spy/snoop, did NOT help matters any.

(My mother is an abusive narcissist, playing us against each other was part of the fun for her.)

Their argument was that he was being rewarded for doing things "right," and I was being punished for my teenage "mistake," but he also flunked out of college with a drug problem at one point, soooo . . . that doesn't quite scan. (He did go back, succeed, and is now an education professional, but the point remains that he was allowed to screw up and recover, I wasn't.)

I try not to resent HIM for the disparate treatment, but I sure as hell resent my parents for it, especially my mother, who inherited everything after my Dad died in my early 30's.

[lemonsharks]

I'm so glad I'm an only child and I'm so, so glad I'm never having kids.